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Young Writers Society


16+

chapter 2 of life after him

by dawny9791


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

February 1st, 2009

Ireland

Many people had thought of her as sneaky, vindictive, flirty, even a 'total bitch' at one time or another. But no one knew why she could ever actually do what the rumors had been. Grace had a picture perfect life, so why would she try to constantly ruin other peoples' lives? That was the question that she had wanted people to answer for her. Because in reality, she was just another girl trying not to get noticed. 

It was true that she had things that she hid from certain people. But that was what saved her from having her demons leak out into the open.

No one should know what I know, she thought. Maybe that was the line that she hid behind when people would ask her why she wanted to save the man so badly. Why would she want to save someone that she barely knows if it meant risking many lives? That was the question that so many people had asked her.

You would think that instead of lounging in a remote part of Ireland, she would be out trying to do whatever she could to make sure that everyone was safe. But this was what she was supposed to do. Her mother told her to think of it as a relaxing spa say.

Grace's petite body was sprawled out on the couch on the little deck area that the cabin had. She brushed a hand through her blonde hair, playing with the blue tips at the end of it. Although she tried to, she could not relax. Her mind was going ten thousand miles a minute with worries, and she could not shut down the thoughts that kept haunting her.

What if everything I ran away from was the one place that I needed to be? she constantly asked herself. But if Grace told anyone, she knew for sure that she would be locked up in a room, with everyone wondering if she would try to escape or not.

"You know, Gracie, it's only been a few days, and yet you make it seem as if has been centuries." Dempsey mused, as he watched her pace back and forth, with Greg by his side. Although the men thought that Grace would stay still after they came into the room, she only paused for a moment, before gliding across the carpet once more.

"What if it was the wrong decision to take me out of that place? What if he will hurt everyone because I left?" Grace asked, and she was confused as to why Dempsey was silent for once. 

"Then that is what will happen. But Grace, if you were to leave now, no one knows what horrors that could bring." Greg said, as Grace's lips curled into a snarl. They all know exactly what that means, the voice inside her head exploded. Her sapphire eyes rose to meet the men, as she thought about how much easier life was before she entered this world.

"You and I both know what that would mean. It would bring a blood bath. And that blood wouldn't be on anyone's hands, except for myself." Dempsey rose his eyebrow. In silent agreement, or resentment, Grace had no idea.

"Look, what we really came up here for was to tell you that your sister found the journals, and she should be coming sometime. We need to figure out a way that she will be able to come unnoticed, before she actually can come. It may, however, take a few months. Relax, its the only way that you will be able to get through this." Grace nodded her head in defeat, knowing that what the boys said was right. For now just relax, she chanted in the head over and over again.

The last year had been exploding for everyone. Each person that was involved in the cat and mouse chase, which turned more into a hunt, was told that they would get a letter soon. Not the best way to communicate, but it will have to do, she thought as she looked forward to knowing that she would get her beloved notebooks soon.

"I know, and yet, I don't think I will fully understand how much danger I am until this is all over." Looking out into the vast fields once more, she shook her head.

Grace, you knew that this would cause some trouble at some point, but how the hell did you manage to have it cause trouble so fast? A whirl wind of emotions swept over the girl like a tidal wave while she stiffly walked over to the couch next to her. Suddenly she felt as if she needed to throw herself in the only thing that would calm her nerves. So taking out the leather bindings of the only notebook that made the trip with her, she stared at the Russian leather, wishing that somehow things could get back to the way that they were.

One year earlier

Bates had noticed something in the last week that they had seen each other. She was bitching more, and yet, she was more closed off. Something happened, and its scareing her - even if he had only known her for a month, it was really evident. He was walking down the foyer of the place, wondering whether to talk to her or his other friends, including Dempsey.

What is going on in her mind, lately?

For reasons that he would never admit, he stopped doing to many drugs - he still, of course, did some; however, not nearly as many. He sauntered up slowly, watching her talk lowly to some people.

"Hey, you," he said, although someone dragged him away, after asking the girl if Bates was bothering her. She laughed as he was being pulled off of his feet, into a corner. The man watched in a daze as he looked up to see who the intruder was.

Standing there was Xavier, and although he was a friend, Bates was slightly annoyed at the fact that he was taking time away from him to see the little girl. The man towered over him, rage filling his eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing with her? You and I both know that she is off limits for a reason!" Xavier snarled in his face, as Bates rolled his eyes in exasperation. He was tired of people telling him the same thing over and over.

I'm never going to get the message!

"And you really think that I care what your boss - not my boss, mind you - has to say about what relationships I choose to have?" With a sneer, the man reminded Bates one annoying fact.

"In case you've forgotten, my boss is your brother. I know that he wouldn't be to pleased to see that you are playing with something that you have no buisness dealing with!" Bates looked out of the corner of his eye, and silenced the man beside him.

Lingering among the swarm of people, was the girl that they had been fighting over. With a quick glance, he saw her wink at him, a sign that she was up to no good. The man stared at her, making sure that she wouldn't get into too much trouble along the way.

What the hell is she up to?

He watched her as she made her way up, being stopped by a few friends, and being forced to say a few "hey's". Bates knew he was very weary of the girl's actions, but he knew that something in her attracted trouble. She paused briefly as she saw something.

But what?

She seemed fine after a moment, shaking her head, and continuing onto her destination. Bates just hoped for the love of god that she would keep herself safe. He couldn't always protect her, and he was beggining to question if he was the right person for the job. He slowly watched her disapear from his sight, wondering how the hell she is going to survive with the trouble that she was causing.


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Wed Jul 09, 2014 6:44 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Hey, dawny9791! Thewriter13 here to give a review! :D So first off, I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I think I will after reading this one.
I just love the character's name, Grace Pfft, and not just because it's my name or anything
Alright, I'll start with nitpicks first:
Nitpicks!

But no one knew why she was those things. Grace had a picture perfect life, so why would she be those things?


So in these sentences I'm seeing poor word choice and repetition. Unless this is how Grace talks, I don't think "those things" is the appropriate reference to the name calling. Why not "those names" or those "accusations"...? I'm not sure those are the best suggestions, but perhaps change "those things." It didn't feel right when I said it. Also for the second "those things" you could put: "Grace had a picture perfect life, so why would she be labeled like that?" Or something...if you don't want to change it, don't. It's your work :)

No one should know what I know, she thought.

Thoughts should usually be in italics, just to make it more distinct.

You would think that instead of lounging in a remote part of Ireland, that no one had yet to seem to find, she would be out trying to do whatever she could to make sure that everyone was safe.


Run-on alert! First off, the words in bold seem unnecessary in that sentence. Obviously it's important in the story, because it's telling us this place hasn't been found yet. But in that sentence it was a serious mouth full, and I feel you should take out the bold and put it in its own sentence. Also "to seem" are extra words. "that someone had yet to find," or "it seems nobody had found it yet." Just rewording it or taking it out would make the idea easier to read.

What if everything I ran away from was the one place that I needed to be? she constantly asked herself.


Yet again, thoughts should be in italics, unless she asks her self this aloud.

Dempsey stayed silent for once, and Grace was confused who actually was the one that answered her.


This sentence needs to be fixed. "who" doesn't exactly fit in the sentence. "Dempsey stayed silent for once, and Grace was wondered who actually had answered her question." I think that makes more sense.

"Then that is what will happen. But Grace, if you were to leave now, no one knows what horrors that could bring." Grace's lips curled into a snarl.

So who actually said this? I know Grace didn't. Because you put: "Grace's lips curled into a snarl." next to the dialogue, you make it sound like Grace said those words. So make the sentence a new paragraph in order to avoid confusing your readers.

Grace nodded her head in defeat, knowing that what the boys' said was right, For now just relax, she chanted in the head over and over again.

First off, the phrase I put in bold isn't punctuated correctly. Just take out the apostrophe. Also, put a period after "right" rather than a comma. Just small errors.

What the hell is she up too?

Change 'too" to "to." Just a small error here as well.

So basically just go back through the chapter and really proofread. I've had the issue where I went through my chapter at least five times and still missed a lot of errors and mistakes. So make sure to do that. :)

Praise!
So your description here is great! I like your word choice and where the plot is going.
I have to agree with Emerald: it's sad, but it's very realistic feeling. I feel as if I'm there experiencing everything.
Just work on the errors. They really don't take away from the beauty of the story, but they should be fixed.
Great job!
Keep writing! :D



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dawny9791 says...


Thanks!



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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:59 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

So this is avery sad story, but I like the way you have tried to make it seem real.
Especially this part, really pulls on the emotional strings:

The last year had been exploding for everyone. Each person that was involved in the cat and mouse chase, which turned more into a hunt, was told that they would get a letter soon. Not the best way to communicate, but it will have to do, she thought as she looked forward to knowing that she would get her beloved notebooks soon.

You write very casually, it's nice to read.

However, all the italics sections can get a bit confusing.

"What the hell do you think you're doing with her? You and I both know that she is off limits for a reason!" Xavier snarled in his face, as Bates rolled his eyes in exasperation. He was tired of people telling him the same thing over and over
What's real and what's a memory?
That needs to be made clearer.

Keep writing.



Random avatar
dawny9791 says...


Thanks!:) and the parts that I have written in italics are a memory, and the ones in regular texts are present day (well, whatever day I have written up there) hope this helps.



EmeraldEyes says...


It does. I guessed as much, but just wanted to be sure.




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
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