Hey, dawny9791! Thewriter13 here to give a review! So first off, I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I think I will after reading this one.
I just love the character's name, Grace Pfft, and not just because it's my name or anything
Alright, I'll start with nitpicks first:
Nitpicks!
But no one knew why she was those things. Grace had a picture perfect life, so why would she be those things?
So in these sentences I'm seeing poor word choice and repetition. Unless this is how Grace talks, I don't think "those things" is the appropriate reference to the name calling. Why not "those names" or those "accusations"...? I'm not sure those are the best suggestions, but perhaps change "those things." It didn't feel right when I said it. Also for the second "those things" you could put: "Grace had a picture perfect life, so why would she be labeled like that?" Or something...if you don't want to change it, don't. It's your work
No one should know what I know, she thought.
Thoughts should usually be in italics, just to make it more distinct.
You would think that instead of lounging in a remote part of Ireland, that no one had yet to seem to find, she would be out trying to do whatever she could to make sure that everyone was safe.
Run-on alert! First off, the words in bold seem unnecessary in that sentence. Obviously it's important in the story, because it's telling us this place hasn't been found yet. But in that sentence it was a serious mouth full, and I feel you should take out the bold and put it in its own sentence. Also "to seem" are extra words. "that someone had yet to find," or "it seems nobody had found it yet." Just rewording it or taking it out would make the idea easier to read.
What if everything I ran away from was the one place that I needed to be? she constantly asked herself.
Yet again, thoughts should be in italics, unless she asks her self this aloud.
Dempsey stayed silent for once, and Grace was confused who actually was the one that answered her.
This sentence needs to be fixed. "who" doesn't exactly fit in the sentence. "Dempsey stayed silent for once, and Grace was wondered who actually had answered her question." I think that makes more sense.
"Then that is what will happen. But Grace, if you were to leave now, no one knows what horrors that could bring." Grace's lips curled into a snarl.
So who actually said this? I know Grace didn't. Because you put: "Grace's lips curled into a snarl." next to the dialogue, you make it sound like Grace said those words. So make the sentence a new paragraph in order to avoid confusing your readers.
Grace nodded her head in defeat, knowing that what the boys' said was right, For now just relax, she chanted in the head over and over again.
First off, the phrase I put in bold isn't punctuated correctly. Just take out the apostrophe. Also, put a period after "right" rather than a comma. Just small errors.
What the hell is she up too?
Change 'too" to "to." Just a small error here as well.
So basically just go back through the chapter and really proofread. I've had the issue where I went through my chapter at least five times and still missed a lot of errors and mistakes. So make sure to do that.
Praise!
So your description here is great! I like your word choice and where the plot is going.
I have to agree with Emerald: it's sad, but it's very realistic feeling. I feel as if I'm there experiencing everything.
Just work on the errors. They really don't take away from the beauty of the story, but they should be fixed.
Great job!
Keep writing!
Points: 19633
Reviews: 233
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