z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Snow: The Tale of A Cold Heart (Part IX)

by Snowery


The snow was falling lightly.

It almost seemed like a white, lace curtain was hanging from her window. These days though, the snow held little interest for her. Rather, as she sat slumped against the wall of her room, her focus was directed at the small object in her hand. The silver piece of metal had sharp coldness to it as she twisted it between her fingers. The ring was completely smooth except for the shallow engraving of the Sirafell Coat of Arms - her father's coat of arms. Her father had once told her that the ring was actually made of iron and only silver plated on the outside. It symbolised that the Illyari were the hidden guard, the Emperor's invisible army. He had also told her that the ring had been soaked for a day and a night in the Emperor's own blood.

So that his blood is always on our hands, as is his life.

Lia clenched her fist around the ring. It seemed that now her father's blood was on the Emperor's hands.

I swear I will make you pay. She grit her teeth as the images of her dead parents came to her mind. Somehow, in some way, I will make you cry as many tears as I have.

“Lia! Are ya joinin' us tonight?” called a female voice from behind her door. She could hear doors opening and shutting as people began to make their way downstairs.

“I'll be down in a minute!” she replied, tucking the ring - which was attached to a chord around her neck - back under her shirt. She inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple of times and tried to smooth out the anger and hatred from her face. When she thought she felt ready enough, Lia pushed herself off the ground, grabbing her coat before heading out of her door and onto the landing. She joined the other patrons all heading downstairs and towards the common room. Every evening at the Jolly Trout every able person would head to the common room for an hour or two of entertainment, which mainly consisted of singing, playing music, sharing stories or most especially, dancing. Ascerians and most mountain people were infamous for being extremely social and their evening's of getting to know each other was considered an important part of their day. Despite her current mood of wanting to strangle the closest living being or at least shutting herself away from the world, Lia was obliged to attend these gatherings lest be frowned upon. She had been able to avoid it on the first night of her stay because she was ill, but to continuously do so, especially after the visit from the Illyari would be seen as rude and suspicious.

Downstairs was abuzz with a general sense of happiness and festivity. These people did the same thing every night yet still showed up with the same vigour and excitement as if it was their first time. The great hearth in the adjacent dining room was roaring and gave off a wonderful warmth; the light from its flames casting dancing shadows upon the walls of the common room. Some mountain man had pulled out a flute and had begun playing it and skipping around the room. The people, all mostly older men and a few women, began to dance around him to the music. Some clapped their hands and some chanted a song, but Lia went to sit by the side with the only other person who never danced, Ehander, the inn keeper.

“Hello, Lia,” he said, smiling at her as she sat next to him.

“Hey, Hans,” she smiled back at him. She watched as he turned back towards the festive crowd, a wistful expression sliding across his face.

Why don't you join them?” she had asked on her second night joining them.

He had smiled at her and said, “I've tried a few times. But.. I'm just too slow and unsteady on ma feet. I just end up gettin' in the way and ruinin' it for everyone.”

He had been born with a shorter leg, he had told her later, and had been hobbling his entire life.

Why are ya sitting out?” he had asked her.

I have a... weak stomach.”

A weak stomach...?” he had looked at her with a dubious expression.

Yes,” she laughed nervously, “I vomit easily. If I tried dancing, you would end up with a slippery floor.”

In all honesty she just wasn't in the mood to attend these atrocities let alone participate in them. Though, she had become somewhat friendly with Ehander over the past three nights that they had sat on the sidelines, often chatting, and she had been able to gain snippets of news from him. By now someone had pulled out a harmonica and the crowed was now engaged in some sort of stomping activity. Lia inwardly frowned in distaste.

“The blizzard seems to be calming down,” she said.

“Hmm? Oh, yes. We're enterin' what we call Fillanver, or the calm between the storms. Here in lower Jiandri's Teeth, when a blizzard calms there is usually a window of nine ta fifteen days of light or no snow. Ya'll probably see most of the patrons here leavin' ta continue their journeys, and new people enterin' the inn.”

“Ah, I see. It would probably be a good time for me to leave too then,” she mused out loud.

“Probably,” he replied, “but I would leave quickly while there's still light snow. The mountains are more dangerous than usual.”

“More – argh!” Someone had nearly stomped on her hand. Lia shook her fist at them but they had already moved on. Shaking her head, she turned back to Hans. “More dangerous...?”

“Mmm, ever since it's become widely known that the Emperor intends ta wage war on Ascerai, things have become more volatile. I've heard that he's goin' ta make the official announcement soon.”

Lia's fingers curled into a fist at the sound of the Emperor's name.

All he wants is violence. All he wants to do is kill.

Her nails dug into her palm, Calm down. Calm down.

“A war with Ascerai? I thought the Averence was against the idea?” She kept her face directed at the stomping crowd. Calm down, calm-

“Haven't ya heard? The Averence is dead. No one stands in the Emperor's way now.”

“Dead?” Lia thought back to when she had been lost in the mountainside.

"The... ence... dead."

The tower clock was too far for Lia to hear what the time keeper was saying. Gusts of wind were also blowing some of his words away. Lia could only tell that someone had died, but who?

"... the Clock... eeper of ti..."

Lia strained to catch his words.

"Tallon... Darr... ied... time... stop!"

Tallon Darr? The Averence? Dead?

Oh yes! I remember,” She had been too concerned with her own survival too care much about it then, but now it did strike her as strange. “How did he die? It's so sudden.”

I know,” Hans shifted his position so that his feet weren't so close to the happy stompers. “They say that he was taken by a deadly illness and that the rest of his family lie in critical condition.”

But he would have had access to the best doctors, and even sorcerers.” How could one of the most powerful Liandorean men, an Architect and a member of the Noble Houses, just die out of an illness?

Ehander shrugged, “It must have been a terribly strong illness. I mean, what else could it have been? The Emperor would never lie about the Averence, everyone knows how close they were. They say that the Emperor's grief was inconsolable.”

Lia closed her eyes and leaned her back against the wall. “I suppose you're right.”

"Tallon... Darr... ied... time... stop!"

Suddenly the man jumped from the tower clock and plummeted to his death.

Lia sat up again, “The time keepers!”

What?”

I saw one jump off his tower clock the day the Averence died.”

Ehander nodded, “It's their custom ta do that. Every time keeper kills himself when the Averence dies, so that no-one except the new Averence can restart the clocks.”

Lia shook her head in disbelief, “They can't all have jumped; they can't all be that loyal!”

I know, I thought that was weird too.” Ehander looked around and lowered his voice, “I was talkin' ta a witch who had stayed here fer a night and she had said that she'd been curious too. She told me that she went up ta a fallen time keeper and found traces of magic.” He leaned in closer to whisper to her, “She said that she thought they might have been bound by a blood oath.”

Lia gasped quietly, “You mean they were compelled to jump? With blood magic?”

Ehander nodded gravely, “It seems so.”

She shivered and pulled her coat closer around her. She had spent most of her life in Jallon, Nordyire, a place filled with festivity, laughter and warm weather. She had never expected Liandor to be such a harsh and unforgiving place.

The crowd had stopped dancing and most had lined the walls so that they could get a view of the latest spectacle. A young man in the middle of the room was hopping on one foot and clapping, he hopped forwards and backwards and left and right. The crowd cheered as he changed foot and began to hop in precarious positions, at one point swinging his body forward, his face almost skimming the floor. The crowd oohed and ahhed.

Ehander had joined in with the clapping and cheering and Lia could only bring herself to clap feebly.

Isn't he just great at Sriansar?” Ehander's younger sister, Clarith, the serving girl joined them, her face flushed from all her previous stomping.

One of the best I've seen in a while,” agreed Ehander. “What do ya think, Lia?”

Srian...?”

Sriansar, the dance Carsander was doin',” said Clarith.

The crazy hopping...? thought Lia. “Oh yes, he's uh, great.” She gave them a weak smile.

The crowd gave a whoop as the young man called Carsander hopped while somehow slapping his palm on various sections of the floor.

Clarith looked at her excitedly, “After this it's the singing!”

Lia groaned inwardly. The singing was always the worst because she was actually expected to take part.

***

Lia trudged wearily back to her room. Her eyes were heavy with sleepiness but she needed to start planning for her departure. Sitting on her mattress, she grabbed her bag and fished out the instructions and maps that her father had left her. Her father had told to go to Ruthen in Ascerai, to meet a man that he trusted. According to what Ehander had mentioned in previous conversations, the Jolly Trout was situated on Ascerai's side of Jiandri's Teeth, and that it was on a lower area of the mountainside. This meant that the tunnel had taken her much further then she had originally thought, and that Ruthen wouldn't be as far as she had feared. If she left tomorrow or the day after then she might even make it there before Fillanver ended. She put her hand to her throat and felt the ring through the fabric of her shirt.

Ma, Pa, just wait. I will make him pay for what he's done. Somehow, in some way, I will make him pay.


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:55 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



Heya, I just 'revenged' Noelle for a previous review day spam, I'm here to do the same with you! Though, I'm only one chapter behind in your story! I was sure there were more! And I've already read this yay!

Here I go: Your writing style is as beautiful as always. I'm not completely sure why, maybe it's just becouse you are a native english speaker, but I bet there is more to it. Your vocabulary and your sentence structure is pleasure to read, you know?

To be honest, I never liked Lia's chapters too much. The only chapter I liked is when she had escaped her home where her parents were killed, her emotions there were awesome. I don't know why I don't like the others. I just feel Tallon's chapters are somehow touchable and understandable tompared to Lia, she is just dark, clouded, it feels like I really need to wait for something great to finally happen with her. I hope that moment comes soon.

Small nitpick (I think?):

"These days though, the snow held little interest for her."

Shouldn't it be: These days though, she held little interest for the snow? Or maybe I've misunderstood something.

"These people did the same thing every night yet still showed up with the same vigour and excitement as if it was their first time." This is the example of pleasure to read I've said before. That whole paragraph was awesome, the picture of cheerful people was really easy to depict. Really good job on that!

I wonder what will happen now that she had learned of Tallon's death. Will it even be of any significance to her?

Right, I think I'm done here. Beautiful style to read. Let me know when the next one is out, I beg you! :D

-Alchemist




Silverlock says...


Thank you for the review Alchy! Sorry I'm replying so late :/ Yeah, I find Lia needs a little more in her chapters, hopefully I can do that in the rewrite :) Thank you again! :)



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Wed Jul 09, 2014 4:02 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Silver!

You've published another chapter! That is awesome! I'm sorry for not getting around to it sooner and being roughly a week late for this. I find my time has been limited lately.

Nine chapters so far, that's pretty good. We're almost at ten, and all the chapters are of good, decent length. The story you have so far, as well as the characters, are still only in their beginning stages. This can turn into a really long series. I'd love that.

As with all your previous chapters, this was very good. You still write it very well and you seem to have gathered that not all of your chapters needs to have any big scenes or action moments as long as they have good storytelling and dialogue in them. Which this part definately has. Good.

You connect this chapter with the previous chapter we last saw Lia in very well, picking up where we were and not leaving us in the dark as to what happened between the two. She's still thinking about this realization she had about her father and what he actually had to do. There was, however, one small part in this which I found quite funny. A small continuity error. I'll point that out later. ;)

Lastly, I did like all the life and personality you gave to this small inn and its inhabitants. You fused some culture into it, that's always good. You even brought back the innkeeper you mentioned in her previous chapter and gave him a name and some more character. Nice.

Overall, another great chapter.

I'll write as I go along:

The snow was falling lightly.

This is one thing I'm actually first noticing now; You usually start all your chapters with this. Always opening with a line which gives some indication as to how the weather is. I quite like this, it's a nice and steady, repeatable intro.

Edit
The silver piece of metal had a sharp coldness to it as she twisted it between her fingers.
It would have to be 'a sharp coldness', rather than just 'sharp coldness'.

So that his blood is always on our hands, as is his life.

This was really good. I loved this whole part.

Edit
It seemed now, that her father's blood was on the Emperor's hands.
Just switched those two words around. I think the comma is more optional.

Edit
Every evening at the Jolly Trout, every able person would head to the common room
Added a comma.

the Jolly Trout

This was also the one instance where I found a funny error in the continuity. In her previous POV chapter, you say the name of the inn is 'The Jolly Goat', while in this chapter you say that the name is 'The Jolly Trout'. I kind of like both of them, with a slight veer towards 'Jolly Trout'. In any case, stick to one. :D

Edit
extremely social and their evenings of getting to know

Why was that written as 'evening's'? O.o

Suggestion
Lia was obliged to attend these gatherings lest she be frowned upon.
I might have included this small addition.

Aww, poor Ehander. You really gave this guy some somber moments. He wants to join in and perhaps do a little jig. I'm really liking the way you wrote the dialogue dialect this time around, though. It read a lot smoother.

Edit
In all honesty she just wasn't in the mood to attend these atrocities, let alone participate in them.
Added a comma. However, did she just refer to their singing and dancing as 'atrocities'? Whoa, that was very mean. (Do a google search on atrocities. I feel you worded this wrong xD)

You added some neat backstory to the world here though. Including this bit about the Fillanver, which sound really interesting. Gives Lia an opportunity to move on, and gives the world some more color.

“More – argh!” Someone had nearly stomped on her hand.

Wait, how did someone stomp on her hand? Unless this is a specific kind of Norwegian folk dance (don't ask), then I think you probably meant someone almost stomped on her foot here.

Lia's fingers curled into a fist at the sound of the Emperor's name.

He didn't say his name though. Perhaps this would be more fitting; 'Lia's fingers curled into a fist at the mention of the Emperor.'

Edit
She had been too concerned with her own survival to care much about it then,
Small typo.

“It's their custom ta do that. Every time keeper kills himself when the Averence dies,
Whoa, it's custom for them to do that? Does this happen a lot?

Actually, I view this as sort of a plot hole. It's custom for them to kill themselves when this happens, so much so that it's common knowledge for this Ehander guy. However, didn't Tallon, who was the Averence, design and build these clocks? How could this be a custom for them if he just died now? Unless he's been resurrected before, this seems like a plot hole.

at one point swinging his body forward, his face almost skimming the floor.

I'm picturing this as some sort of Michael Jackson-like move. I very much approve.

The crowd oohed and ahhed.

I don't approve of this though. These aren't words.

“What do ya think, Lia?”

Actually, now that I read this, I began to wonder something. Did her parents tell her not to give out her real name? Reading through her chapters, I realize; no. However, in her previous chapter, the Illyari also question Ehander the innkeeper about Lia, yet they didn't reveal her name. Which is weird that they didn't. In any case, should, or would, Lia be using her real name at this point?

Her father had told to go to Ruthen in Ascerai, to meet a man that he trusted.
As I just mentioned, I skimmed through her earlier chapters, and he doesn't actually tell her this at any point. Maybe he did so inbetween scenes, sure. But it's always better to portray it. Especially since her departure from both parents were quite sudden and she had no idea she would be going alone.

Alright, that's pretty much all I got.

As you know, I'm really loving this story. Your writing is only getting better and better. This piece had a few things I brought out in it, but as you get deeper and deeper into a story, it's going to get harder to keep everything in line.

One thing I really loved in the particular chapter was the dialogue between Lia and Ehander. That was written very well. You have, obviously, written very good dialogue like this before. I guess I'm just saying that it's good you continue doing it right. ;)

Please tell me when you continue this. You know I'm itching for more.

Keep it up, Silver!



Cheers
Birkhoff




Silverlock says...


Hey Birky! Thanks so much for another awesome review! :) I can't believe I wrote Jolly Y Trout instead of Goat *facepalm* It was originally Trout but I thought it might seem weird 'cause they're on a mountain. Anyways, thanks again! :D
P.S So rry for the late reply, real life gets in the way sometimes :P



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Tue Jul 08, 2014 6:35 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Silverlock!

Thanks for letting me know this was posted! As always, it's a great pleasure to read. Especially this chapter as well. I believe it's the best you've written yet. I know not much action happened, but you managed to feed us information without it seem info dumpy, and also you have some brilliant descriptions of the dance and room in here too. We got to meet Ehander (nice name choice. So unique ^^) and also you're writing style seems really complete and well done here. I literally loved everything about this chapter which means I am afraid this is going to be a very short review!

“Why don't you join them?” she had asked on her second night joining them.


Here I am just nitpicking the repeat of join twice. Just try and use a different word for the second one, I'm sure synonyms will help you with this.

Someone had nearly stomped on her hand.


Her hand? Are they sitting on the floor to the side or standing? Originally I thought they were standing, so it would make more sense to say someone stood on Lia's foot. But if they're sitting, then this is okay. Just make sure you mention they are sitting to the side, instead of standing.

It would've been nice to hear more about Ehander, if I think about it. I can't really envision him there or anything. Maybe a bit more description to his appearance? Have them talk about things that are seemingly useless but show a bit of his personality as well, instead of simply supplying information. Just some small things that could be useful to building his character, even if he is only going to be in the story briefly.

Other than those three little things, I honestly have nothing more to say. This chapter was bordering on perfect, and I am sure with a little nudge you can make it just that. Keep up the good work :) And let me know when you post another chapter!

Deanie x




Silverlock says...


Aw, thank for an awesome review Deanie! You're totally right about me missing Ehander's description! I totally forgot about it :P
P.S Sorry for the late reply, real life is just -.-



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Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:34 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!

Nitpicks first:

It almost seemed like a white, lace curtain was hanging from her window.
No comma needed between white and lace.

These days though, the snow held little interest for her.
To make it sound more old-fashioned, say 'Yet, these days...'

Her father had once told her that the ring was actually made of iron and only silver plated on the outside.
Instead of her father, say he. Also, instead of silver plated, say plated silver.

I swear I will make you pay, she grit her teeth as the images of her dead parents came to her mind.
I swear I will make you pay, she thought as she grit her teeth and the images of her dead parents came to her mind.

which was attached to a chord around her neck - back under her shirt.
Chord should be cord.

sharing stories or most especially, dancing.
Most especially isn't needed.

Ascerians and most mountain people were infamous for being extremely social and their evening's of getting to know each other was considered an important part of their day.
'Evening's should be evenings.

Lia was obliged to attend these gatherings lest be frowned upon.
Sentence reads oddly. Change to:
Lia was obliged to attend these gatherings, lest she be frowned upon.

Her eyes were heavy with sleepiness but she needed to start planning for her departure.
Comma before but.

End of nitpicks.

You could use a little more description in this to balance the dialogue, but overall, it was a good read.

Keep writing, love.
Aurora




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Fri Jul 04, 2014 5:58 am
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Renard wrote a review...



Hello!
I haven't read the rest of your story, but I am going to review this one on its literary merit alone so.

What Went Well

1. The length actually, for a novel chapter not too short or too long XD
2. The choice of third person narration - made the narrative effective for some reason
3. Your writing style: '“Probably,” he replied, “but I would leave quickly while there's still light snow. The mountains are more dangerous than usual.”' mainly more dialogue motivated and I like that because it improves the pace of the reading.

Even Better If

1. There was more of it! And there will be, with more chapters
2. I had read the other chapters, to understand the continuity of the characters and events.
3. Hmmm, I guess you could say more description, so it doesn't become too "scripty" if you get what I mean. :)

Well done, a very nice story.
Keep writing. :)





No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words