Young Writers Society

It is a horror poem. It has the elemts of such poem. Creates a dark ambient and a tricky ending. My first impression to the reference of the name "yorick" was the champion from the game LoL by hey I suppose I'm just a ner, having heard that it was intented to be the yorick from hamlet (I suppose) only adds to the mystery and tragic/terror of this work. I'm not always in the mood for horror poems, but yours has a good rhytm and a nice/black aura to it. So keep up the good work. ObserverxD

Hi Cristata,

I love this poem. You did a good job of setting up the mood - very creepy.
I also thought the poem had good flow and rhyme scheme.
I liked the reference to Hamlet and poor Yorick.
Great description. I especially liked this bit:

"The brittle bone bulged

Around blanched teeth and dead eyes

Oozing marrow dripped like wax,

Slick upon his carapace."

Keep up the good writing!

Hello.

I can't quite tell if you were inconsistent with rhymes or if my pronunciation is influencing this. Right now I have a, b, c, b, d, e, f, e, g, h, i, h, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, o. Each repeating letter being a rhyme. I'm not sure if this was supposed to have separate stanzas to break this up, but either way, the rhyme's a bit all over the place.

Edit- I’ve been informed that I missed a rhyme and this is a highly structured poem, but the words “his” and “kiss” didn’t exactly sound or feel rhymed, hence missing it. I’d try to find a better pairing. /edit

I found that pretty distracting as I read, because I have a tendency to count rhyme to make sure it's consistent as soon as I pick it up. Starting with rhyme then not keeping a set pattern near the end was difficult to follow. I think stanza breaks would help keep the consistency (here is a tutorial on how to get them), but it still doesn't address jklmn. But, like I said, it could be my pronunciation.

Past that, I'm having a hard time picking a point to this poem. It's a Hamlet allusion, and I've analyzed this scene in school myself, but it feels a tad too mental for me. That being said, Hamlet can be a very mental play (although it is full of dirty jokes do not let anyone tell you otherwise). I just wish there was a bit more than pure mental contemplation? Hit me in the chest and make me feel something.

Overall, stanza breaks are probably a good idea, as would be cleaning up the rhymes. It's a good poem, but it feels a little overdramatic and doesn't really take me anywhere but give death imagery in purple prose.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Dude!
I love it XD.

Honestly, that was one of the first poems in a while that really enthralled me completely and drew me into the story enough that I couldn't skip ahead. I love the allusion, and I love what you did with the twist. That was pretty stellar!

Some things to consider because of the allusion, and I suppose this is going to be the review, you might want to consider making the lines iambic pentameter, harkening back to Shakes. It would be really fun if you could do that. I think you've got a good beat going here, so it's really not necessary and it's already hard to do rhymes, but you do it well.

You do it really well.

If you don't want to change to IP, I'd suggest taking out the line capitalization and making it sentence capitalization. Bringing it up to modern methods of punctuation is going to hide your rhymes better and allow you to transition between lines smoother. Right now there are a couple spots where it is a bit jarring to see a capital on the next line such as "Around" and "And" but it's not too bad.

I think the last thing you could consider changing is making it internal rhyme at times because the rhyme isn't always perfect, or in a good pattern. You could then improve your end words and get rid of the ones that are weaker and not what you intend to emphasize, like "and" which is the only one I see that really needs the most work.

I like how you capitalized Death. I don't like how you used Noir and Black in the same poem. I understand that you're trying to avoid the repetition of black so close together, and I appreciate that, but considering it is a french word for the same meaning, it makes me question the use. You might want to consider something like onyx instead, but that's just a suggestion.

Overall, great job, this made me laugh and smile.

This review courtesy of

Hello! Rurouni here to review!

And welcome to YWS!

I like this poem, more specifically the imagery. I can picture someone holding a skull.
I applaud you on that!

My favorite lines are:

I merely contemplated

How such a bright face as his

Turned so wizened and grey,

Youth sucked away by Death’s kiss.