z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Redwing - Chapter 4 *Edited*

by Utopia


Windsor lane, Paphoshire, 89, inside the house

When I came to, I sat up and groaned. My head throbbed, but at least the wind had stopped. I must have passed out, I thought, but the colours were too clear and the pain in my head too real for this to be a hallucination or dream. Suddenly, there was flash of light, but this time it was a pattern, projected across my living room. I looked up to see millions of mini dots, scattered across the room. Having to remind myself this was reality, I reached out with my hand to touch one of the mini stars, each about the size of a speck of dust, hovering in front of me.

Each star had a unique light depending on its size, that illuminated parts of my living room. All I could do was stare at them, my eyes wide in awe. My fingers brushed past one of the stars that were in front of me and it instantly fizzled out. I squinted down to look at the star, draining light, and the star exploded in a type of mini super nova that blasted my head back and sent me flying across the room.

I crashed down onto the soft carpet. I just lay there, dazed, staring at the ceiling. A blonde girl’s head popped into my blurry vision. I sat up, trying to stop the room from spinning.

‘Brittany? Lily?’’ My expression hardened as I stared into two stranger’s eyes. ‘Who are you-’’

‘Don’t be alarmed! We’re on your side, honest. Those stars you saw, we can explain,’’ said the blonde, putting her hands up as if I was just about to pull out a rifle. As soon as she mentioned the stars, she had my full attention and I knew that I couldn’t let these girls go without knowing what was going on. My hardened expression twisted into confusion as the two girls exchanged glances and slowly lowered their hands.

‘Same side of what? And how did you get in here?’’ I asked, eyeing the two suspicious looking girls.

‘This is really going to sound strange, but you’re going to have to do something for us,’’ ordered the brunette, ignoring my question and acting like she was on the police force. I didn’t know how to feel about them, but I knew I just couldn’t throw them out and accuse them of breaking and entering until I knew what was going on.

‘What is it?’’ I asked looking the brunette directly in the eyes, almost challenging her in a way.

‘Just, don’t hold your breath.’’ The brunette started taking a jar of something out of her pocket and opening it.

‘Wha-’’ but she had already opened it, the air had already been released and my world had already gone black.

Utopia central, mission room, 5:55 am

I stared at the girl, lying down in her glass case. She looked like a helpless Snow White, but with a high-tech case that measured her heart rate and gave her oxygen and with her case on a table with wheels. Something troubled me about the way the girl was brought in.

‘When I was claimed as a Utopian, I don’t remember being unconscious, do you?’’ I reminded Bridget.

‘Of course you didn’t! The glass case is erasing her memory of you guys knocking her out. According to her, you never opened that jar, you simply brought her here. She probably will think her blank memory of the trip here is due to light-headedness. You know, the stress of taking it all in,’’ explained Bridget.

After having escaped with the girl after Teya’s signal, we had been sucked back in to the small room by the fans, and Bridget was waiting for us with a special case and table for the girl. To be honest, after the mission, my excitement fizzled out a bit as we dragged the girl all the way to the fans. She wasn’t light and we were given strict rules not to use any magic on her. But the mission went well, it was short and went by quickly, but I was satisfied with the adventure and excitement it contained.

‘What is her name?’’ asked Dawn.

‘Aura. Aura Borealis Ortiz. That spell you cast on Aura with the wind triggered her powers and now the glass case can identify it. As I’m sure you all know, Aura Borealis means the northern lights, so it was no surprise to me when you guys said her power was stars. The correct term is Astromagic,’’ answered Bridget. All eyes were fixated on Aura.

‘So what happens now?’’ asked Claire.

‘You guys can…’’ Bridget paused and placed a hand on her ear piece. ‘Yes… yes of course. Oh my gosh…’’ Teya and I exchanged glances. ‘Girls, there has been a serious development in the predicted war. Universe’s battle troops are heading for earth at top speed, for this side of the world.’’


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Sun Jul 06, 2014 9:04 pm
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there sis! It's me again to continue reading :3

What a good continuation of the chapter. We can see how they recruit new Utopians. I guess this would be a plausible explanation for the amount of people that go missing all over the world as well. I liked that we mostly saw things from Aura's perspective, and that we also get to see her power in practice. At first I thought it was some of the other Utopians doing thins, so it was cool that you switched it around a bit and made it her own power that she didn't comprehend she was controlling. And ooh, what a cliffhanger ending. A war approaching :D

My one problem is that this mission was a little bit too... easy? I feel like you could've made this mission a bit longer, a bit more harder than them just needing to open the jar and knock Aura unconscious. What would've happened if they didn't have the jar and needed to lie or convince Aura to come with them into the chute to get her answers, and there she is unconscious and then put into the glass case. It would make the situation a bit more tricky and also give a good reasoning to explain why so many people are needed for small mission. I feel like one or two people alone could've easily done this. So, make sure everyone is needed and it's a lit bit harder.

I was also surprised that no one thought of the mind wipe as a little bit cruel. Sure, they've all undergone it themselves. But seeing it done on someone else is something else altogether. Imagine someone forgetting their past life, their interests, their friends, even their own family. Yeah, that's something hard to follow, and seeing that happen while their face and is blank and empty? Not easy. I wanted to see some of that internal struggle met here.

Likewise as I said in the previous review, use the pointer I gave about switching point of views. It is also applicable to this chapter.

Each star had a unique light depending on its size that illuminated parts of my living room.


Comma needed after the word 'size.'

I stared into two stranger’s eyes. ‘What are you-’’


Generally, when someone sees a stranger that looks like a human, they don't say what are you but who are you. I suggest you change this, or say What are these sta-- and have her cut of there instead or something.

‘Same side of what, and how did you get in here?’’


I would make that comma a question mark, and just have separate questions. For emphasis on the confusion bit of this.

so it was no surprise to me when you guys said her power was stars. The correct term is Astromagic,’’ answered Dawn.


That last sentence should really be said by someone else, because putting that at the end seemed like someone else was correcting whoever was speaking, but you've got them all in one. So, have someone else say the second sentence so that it has more of an affect.

Again sister, you've left me with so little to say. This was really good and all the major things have been covered. I can't wait to know whatever you're going to have happen next. Keep me updated, as always ^^

Deanie x




Utopia says...


Thanks for the review. The part where Dawn answered herself was just a typo. Aura's memory isn't completely wiped out, she still remembers her past life. Its just the mission and the girls knocking her out that she didn't remember. But, I understand you when you say you thought the mission was to easy.



Deanie says...


Ah make sure you mention what is being wiped out from what isn't :P



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:51 am
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a reviewww!!

Okay. This chapter answered more questions of mine, in fact most of them. I was curious as to many things, but mostly my curiousity was directed towards what made them Utopians? And why were there Utopians? You answered my question in a brilliant manner, explaining why and how they were Utopians, but not making it seem like backstory or boring.

I really liked the visual of the stars in the living room, the image of the orbs that she saw. I liked how you said that, each star had its own unique light. That is a sentence that I think was amazing. It didn't only just describe the stars, in my opinion, but if you think about it the sentence also describes people--or can describe people anyway. I think that you are an amazing writer. :)

Each star had a unique light depending on its size that illuminated parts of my living room. All I could do was stare at them, my eyes wide in awe. My fingers brushed past one of the stars that were in front of me and it instantly fizzled out. I squinted down to look at the star, draining light, and the star exploded in a type of super nova that blasted my head back and sent me flying across the living room.


Okay, so while the visual and the scene here is really awesome, I did spy some redundancy floating around. You repeat "living room" twice, which isn't that big of a deal, but somewhere else you repeat "room" a few more times, making it a pretty big deal. Redundancy is the easiest writing mistake to correct, but it can also be the sneakiest. You just have to be sneakier than the redundancy. :)

Those stars you saw we can explain,


That sentence is very awkwardly phrased. With sentences like those, its always a good idea to look them over and see what you can do to rephrase them, and help them make more sense, yet giving the same message. With this sentence, its pretty simple. This right here would fix it right up: We can explain those stars you saw.

‘What is it?’’ I asked looking


Comma after "asked"

‘Just don’t hold your breath,’’ the brunette started taking a jar of something out of her pocket and opening it.


This is one sentence, but is worded as two. What you need to do here is to either reword everything to that it is actually just one sentence, with one subject and predicate, etc... or you can split them up into two sentences, replacing the comma with a period--which is what I would do.

‘Wha…’’


The three periods ... make it seem like she is thinking, not being cut short by being knocked out by the gas. So really, it should be like this: 'Wha--"

You lot can start with another week of training and after that…’’ Bridget sighed, searching for the right words, ‘You lot can go back


You say, "you lot" twice, one sentence right after the other. I would suggest changing one of them so there is no redundancy.



Okay, so after all of this, after all four chapters, I understand quite a bit about her and her kind, and what they are doing--although I don't fully understand why yet. But I think I will understand in time. :)

Next move I guess is to head back to Planet Utopia and prepare for war


Ooooh! DO I SPY A CLIFFHANGER? I love and hate cliffhangers--at the same time. Cliffhangers leave me on an empty ledge, the rest of your story behind me and the expectation of more straight ahead. Except I can't get to it. But the excitement, the wait for the next chapter. That is so much fun. Doing that left your reader on the edge of their seat, and full of questions. What is Planet Utopia? Why are they at war? So many questions, and not nearly enough answers to satisfy me... yet. The answers will come.

Lovving it so far!
~Darth Timmyjake




Utopia says...


Thanks for the review. I really need to work on those redundancies which is something I'm facing a lot in my work right now. Do you at least kind of see why I made the transition in chapter 4? Do you think I should link chapter 4 and 5 so people can understand it?



Utopia says...


Thanks for the review. I really need to work on those redundancies which is something I'm facing a lot in my work right now. Do you at least kind of see why I made the transition in chapter 4? Do you think I should link chapter 4 and 5 so people can understand it?



User avatar
351 Reviews


Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:37 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I like this chapter so far.
I haven't read the other chapters yet, but I will when I get the chance to.
Anyways, time for nitpicks:

Okay, when it comes to dialogue, you always have to put a period, or whatever punctuation is needed at the end of the speaking sentence. Like this:

"I need you to bring me a can of soda, please." He spoke softly to the...--

I've seen a couple of sentences that didn't have that, like this one:

‘This is really going to sound strange, but you’re going to have to do something for us,’’ ordered the brunette...-


A little fix wouldn't hurt, but it's only a suggestion, so you don't have to change it.

Also, I noticed your quotation marks are different...
They need to be like this "......"

Overall, this chapter is amazing, and I can't wait to read more of your work.
Keep it up c:




Utopia says...


Thanks for the review! There is something wrong with my keyboard. I don't know why it does that to my quotation marks.



Utopia says...


Thanks for the review! There is something wrong with my keyboard. I don't know why it does that to my quotation marks.



Kanome says...


Ah, okays. I understand c:



User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:10 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello again Utopia, Wolf here for a second review of your wonderful masterpiece! (I just now noticed the name of the powers is the same as your username, interesting!)

Wow, that was a seriously intense chapter. So in the beginning, I was a little bored to be honest (like the very first paragraph), and I am of course really tired. Though after reading a few paragraphs, I really got into this and was really in the moment of everything. I really, really love all the descriptions of the characters.

I do wish, however, that there would be an easier tip off that there is a perspective switch, or is it that every time there are asterisks that the perspective will change? What about if it changes at the beginning of a chapter, how will we know then? Just things to think about. I do like that you're attempting doing this, because I know it's really hard to pull off continuous perspective switches in first person. Third person it's easy since you can actually tell their names.

Enough rambling, another thing I have to point out is the genders. I don't think I've seen one male at all here, there is even a Queen instead of a King (like usual). That's a nice step away from cliche, but I'm left wondering, can males not be Utopians? (If one was mentioned earlier and I merely forgot, then excuse this xD). It's not a bad thing, its just something I want to point out and that should be considered, and even I fall victim to being a little sexist in my works.

Overall, I really loved this, and the ending really got me there. I was like, "War? Awesome!" (Don't judge). You're descriptions are really nice and I like how you fit all this information into here without straight up telling us, that's awesome! Keep me posted on this! Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Image




Utopia says...


Thanks for another great review. I find that it is hard to show feeling in third person. You're right about the males and for the next chapter, I've thought more about that.




It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.
— Neil Armstrong