Hey there sis! It's me again to continue reading :3
What a good continuation of the chapter. We can see how they recruit new Utopians. I guess this would be a plausible explanation for the amount of people that go missing all over the world as well. I liked that we mostly saw things from Aura's perspective, and that we also get to see her power in practice. At first I thought it was some of the other Utopians doing thins, so it was cool that you switched it around a bit and made it her own power that she didn't comprehend she was controlling. And ooh, what a cliffhanger ending. A war approaching
My one problem is that this mission was a little bit too... easy? I feel like you could've made this mission a bit longer, a bit more harder than them just needing to open the jar and knock Aura unconscious. What would've happened if they didn't have the jar and needed to lie or convince Aura to come with them into the chute to get her answers, and there she is unconscious and then put into the glass case. It would make the situation a bit more tricky and also give a good reasoning to explain why so many people are needed for small mission. I feel like one or two people alone could've easily done this. So, make sure everyone is needed and it's a lit bit harder.
I was also surprised that no one thought of the mind wipe as a little bit cruel. Sure, they've all undergone it themselves. But seeing it done on someone else is something else altogether. Imagine someone forgetting their past life, their interests, their friends, even their own family. Yeah, that's something hard to follow, and seeing that happen while their face and is blank and empty? Not easy. I wanted to see some of that internal struggle met here.
Likewise as I said in the previous review, use the pointer I gave about switching point of views. It is also applicable to this chapter.
Each star had a unique light depending on its size that illuminated parts of my living room.
Comma needed after the word 'size.'
I stared into two stranger’s eyes. ‘What are you-’’
Generally, when someone sees a stranger that looks like a human, they don't say what are you but who are you. I suggest you change this, or say What are these sta-- and have her cut of there instead or something.
‘Same side of what, and how did you get in here?’’
I would make that comma a question mark, and just have separate questions. For emphasis on the confusion bit of this.
so it was no surprise to me when you guys said her power was stars. The correct term is Astromagic,’’ answered Dawn.
That last sentence should really be said by someone else, because putting that at the end seemed like someone else was correcting whoever was speaking, but you've got them all in one. So, have someone else say the second sentence so that it has more of an affect.
Again sister, you've left me with so little to say. This was really good and all the major things have been covered. I can't wait to know whatever you're going to have happen next. Keep me updated, as always ^^
Deanie x
Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634
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