Young Writers Society

Hey Renard!

So I really like the title of this piece. I didn't even think of it as sweat or blood or anything before I read the poem. So I'm just going to point out a little word changes that might give this poem a more emotional feel. (I'll also be adding punctuation, if you don't mind.)

"I can feel heat dripping *down* the back of my neck,

*into* my eyes,

and it burns my throat."

I think that if you give the heat a path, the imagery will be great! Show us the slow exhaustion or pain that the narrator is feeling.

"The desire to quench the prolonged thirst

of the red lacquer,

dripping onto metal;

of my mental little quivers"

So here, the red lacquer is blood, right? And you, the narrator, wants to stop bleeding, "the desire to quench" its "thirst". But what does the metal stand for? What is it symbolizing? That confuses me a little bit. Are the "mental little quivers" like slivers of memories between you and a partner? So the narrator is broken hearted, and it's like shes constantly bleeding and she wants this sort of nightmare to end. Correct me if I didn't interpret this the way you imagined.

A little grammar quirk here: "Him and me". This should be "He and I". All up to you if you want to change that, I suppose.

"I know where I am but I want to flee *where*

juicy apples mark my way *and*

inhibit motives of goldust"

I also got confused here, I just think that the first sentence is worded a little awkwardly. I think that using 'where' instead of 'there' would make more sense. I don't understand what the last line means either. I just think that you should add an 'and' after 'way' in the second line. Again, all up to you. I just think if would make everything flow a lot easier and be able for the readers to interpret the poem better.

The ending, is perfect. Don't change it. I love is just the way it is.

So in general, I think that this poem has a lot of potential. I believe that if you just spruce it up a little, just by adding punctuation or anything, it would even make a difference. But really, keep writing, I do like the message that this poem delivers, good job.

Keep expressing.

-Percybeth

Hello Renard~

First thing first, I'd like to show you this: How to format your poetry on YWS because it can help with getting the stanzas right.

I think that you've got a good sense of imagery here. The way you use words like "burning" and "dripping" shows an understanding of giving a poem a textile feel to it, as well as smell and sight.

I feel like this poem needs some improvements overall. First off, the idea of heat dripping is unique, but because you don't have any periods but at the end, it sort of gets well overdone. Also you use dripping twice in this, which makes it lose some of its glory. I think if you worked in the punctuation to this poem, you'd have a lot better chance here. If you'd like, you can read Pray Perpetuate Poetry Punctuation to get a better idea of what punctuation might be better for this poem.

Basically what the article says is to punctuate it like you would any other sentence for prose. It's not always the best way to punctuate poetry, because sometimes you want to punctuate it for how you read, but most of the time, this is how it works best. Lacking punctuation takes a lot of work and clear defined sentences instead of things like "my neck/my eyes/and it burns my throat" because while this may be good if we say "I can feel heat dripping through the back of my neck, my eyes, and it burns my throat; the desire to quench..." this is not the only way we can punctuate the part.

Speaking of grammar, I really don't like the structure of your sentences. "it burns" should naturally start a new sentence because we're talking about "heat dripping" not how it burns for the first two examples. Dripping and burning are polar opposites. One is water, one is fire. Including them in one sentence isn't the best idea.

Having the capitalization for "The" only minimizes this somewhat, but it makes you look as though you've forgotten the punctuation when the sentence structure needs edits.

Moreover with this first couple lines, how does heat drip /through/ something? The denotation of the sentence doesn't make much sense. "through the back of my neck" makes it sound as though heat can not only penetrate through skin and the spine, but also bone, and crawl into the throat. This is rather unrealistic considering our bodies regulate their own temperature, but on top of that to just arbitrarily have "my eyes" on it's own line makes it appear as though they are somehow special when really you're just continuing with a list.

In other words, I'd strongly suggest cleaning up the punctuation and syntax. Think about how you would actually say this if you were talking to someone. Take these things, pretend you're the narrator, and describe it as you would to a doctor, the entire thing. After you've done that, go through, leaving the punctuation in place, and make line breaks so that the lines each have something unique and important to them. Do not put weak words like "as" at the end of lines, but at the front of them. After you've decided what you'd like to work on in the poem, I'd suggest editing it on here, and bumping it for new reviews. ^^

Good luck~
-Aley

I get it, but I feel like it would make more sense if you added commas. I might be wrong, but the person's a vampire, right? Or at least she is in the metaphorical sense. Her turning into a vampire, and new dependency on blood as a food source, have caused some rifts between her and the object of he affections. Finally the split at "I know where I am, but I want to flee there". Judging by that and the "juicy apples mark my way" part it's safe to assume it didn't end well and the girl left a path of bodies through her heart ache. After she comes off her blood high or "goldust" she realizes what she's done and feels like she should stay dead like the corpse she is. Anyways, great poem! =^_^=