z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 13

by Rook


Chapter 13

~812 words

“Well that’s a shame,” said Shep, looking at the pile of dust that once had been the dragolinx, “we never really got to know her.”

“Yeah, a real shame,” responded Fleta, rolling her eyes. “How do we get up to the sheep?” The sleeping sheep was high on a pedestal—too high to reach. “I swear, if we have to stand on each other’s backs or something, I’m going to lie down and sleep until my body stops hurthing.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem, thank ‘eavens.” Godfrey, sho had been poking around the room, had pulled back a tapestry to reveal a wooden ladder.

Shep climbed up, after the ladder had been rested against the stone pedestal. He picked up the sheep and slung it over his shoulders. The dais started sinking into the floor, and Fleta grabbed the ladder before it could fall.

As the platform got lower, sunlight peeked through a doorway like a child allowed admittance into a room previously off limits for him. When the pedestal was flesh with the floor, Jay could see the sea crashing against the rocks on the other side. The group filed out, one by one, into the setting sun.

---

Shep and Jay sat outside the inn after a long trek down the stony beach. Jay was relieved that they didn’t have to climb back up the rope. Jay sat back and enjoyed the pleasant evening and the breathtaking beauty of the island. “So which royal is this sheep?”

“This is his majesty, the king!” Shep jerked his mouth into a half-smile, and bowed a little bit. The sheep in question looked morosely at him.

“What have you named him?”

“Well now, I think I’m all out of good names. How about you name him?” His half-smile blossomed into a toothy grin.

Jay raised his eyebrows in surprise. “So the names are just that? No special meanings behind them? No magic?”

“None at all.”

“Then why not call them by their real names?”

“Do you really think I want to look at a sheep and call it the name of our king? Do you name your dog after your wife?” Shep was incredulous.

“I don’t have a wife,” Jay laughed, “but I see what you mean. How about we name him Reyus?”

The sheep looked appraisingly at Jay, then trotted off.

“Sounds pretty good. Reyus.” Shep savored the name. “You may have a talent for naming. I hear naming babies is a pretty good business in Mystor.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Jay smiled. “So where are we going next? Where’s the next sheep?”

Shep thought for a minute, but before he could say anything, the serenity of the evening was shattered with a scream. It didn’t sound human. Shep shot out of his chair and ran around the side of the inn. Jay followed close behind.

In the alley way between the inn and the tailor’s shop next door, a horrific scene was unfolding. Tart, the yellowish sheep that Shep had said was the prince, was standing over Reyus, blood dripping from his mouth. There was a gash in Reyus’s neck, looking ugly and serious. Shep wasted no time: he flung Tart aside and started tending to the wound. Tart hit the wall with a loud smack and a pitiful bleat.

Jay was sickened. He couldn’t look at Tart with the blood drying on the sheep’s lips, or at Shep and Reyus. He felt useless, and disgusted that something like this would happen. Jay looked at the ground, keeping Tart in the corner of his eye in case the sheep tried something. But Tart was looking at the ground too, if not looking ashamed at what he had done, at least looking guilty.

When Shep had finished doing all he could to stop the bleeding, he gathered Reyus up into his arms. He turned to Jay, tears in his eyes, and said, “go get the bag with the red cord on it. It has all the medical equipment. I’m going to have to take Reyus inside and stitch up the wound.”

“Yes sir.” Jay hesitated. “Will Reyus be alright?”

Shep’s face was carved from stone. “I don’t know.”

---

The process of stitching a sheep’s neck closed is not a pretty one, and Jay fervently wished he would never have to witness it again. Reyus was breathing—it sounded a bit ragged, but he was still breathing, which comforted Jay. Shep had collapsed onto a chair.

“Why did he do it?” asked Jay, gazing at the pitiful form of the sheep.

“Envy, and selfishness,” Shep responded. “Tart was the prince, Reyus was the king. I suppose Tart thought he would be king if he killed Reyus. Once the sheep are restored of course.”

“That’s horrible!”

“It’s a cruel world. Especially in politics. Even if politics involve fluffy, innocent sheep.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Mon Aug 18, 2014 4:28 am
View Likes
Wolfi wrote a review...



Wolfie is finally here to represent Team Pen during this wonderful Review Week!

“Well that’s a shame,” said Shep, looking at the pile of dust that once had been the dragolinx, “we never really got to know her.”

I love it!!! :D The only negative thing I can comment on in this part is the "said Shep" part. It's truly fine, but I'd rather read it as "Shep said."
Shep climbed up, after the ladder had been rested against the stone pedestal.

No comma.
He picked up the sheep and slung it over his shoulders. The dais started sinking into the floor, and Fleta grabbed the ladder before it could fall.

As the platform got lower, sunlight peeked through a doorway like a child allowed admittance into a room previously off limits for him. When the pedestal was flesh with the floor, Jay could see the sea crashing against the rocks on the other side. The group filed out, one by one, into the setting sun.

This part confused me a little, starting with the dias sinking. I think that you could have described what was happening a lot better.
Jay was relieved that they didn’t have to climb back up the rope.

Since the trek seemed to have already occurred, I would suggest changing it to: "Jay had been relieved..."

Wow! That twist with the sheep was certainly unexpected. It was great, though! Not that Reyus was harmed, that wasn't good at all, but the action! Nice job! Readers love action. Most of the time, anyway. I know that I'm waaayyy behind, but be sure to keep on describing those sheep and explaining their personalities.

I think that it is quite certain that everyone loves Shep. His humor is great, and his songs are gems.




User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:04 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

So this is the first time you have split scenes in one chapter, and I think you did it very well. Actually, I didn't notice the breaks. I only noticed the writing--so amazing job there. Everything new you try with this novel seems to work out just fine. The part with the sphinx (I know she is something else, but that is close enough for me right now) is a little bit more explained in this chapter, and the fact that she just melted away into rubble is a bit more elongated when you have Shep talking to whoever will listen. He is super funny, and its really just because he says it so solemnly--when in fact, he is hilarious.

until my body stops hurthing.”


"hurthing" should be "hurting"

When the pedestal was flesh with the floor, Jay could see the sea


I think you mean "flush", not "flesh"

This whole part with the sun peeking out was really neat and fun to read--I loved how you used the child peeking out as an example. That was really wonderful to read. But one thing bugs me. I had to read that part over and over and over to understand what was going on and where the chasm was going? I thought for a moment that the entire pit was toppling down, and then I though it was merely the dais coming down, but still didn't understand what was going on with the light coming into the room, and yeah. Could you maybe describe more of the passage being opened up, and Jay seeing the passage into the clean air instead of just seeing the light? It might clear things up for me.

after your wife?” Shep was incredulous.


This is telling, not showing when you tell us Shep was incredulous. Really, the dialogue in itself told us that Shep was incredulous, so that entire dialogue tag was unnecessary. Perhaps some action or whatnot instead?

I would have liked to see more of the sheep biting each other and such. I mean, this guy Reyus is a king, right? Wouldn't there be a big fight before the Prince got him? Wouldn't there be a lot of baaaing and such coming from the street so they could hear the fight and break it up? I dunno. The entire scene just seemed stifled, like you didn't want to bring attention to it and bring it out, but I think it should be made a little bigger, because it is really an important part of the chapter. Probably the most important, in fact. I thought it was really important because of the people, erm, sheep doing the fighting. The politics involved with sheep. oh my.

Especially in politics. Even if politics involve fluffy, innocent sheep.”


Shep is absolutely hilarious, especially when he is being so solemn and serious. Great job with his character! :D
~Darth Timmyjake




User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:11 am
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

“Well that’s a shame,” said Shep, looking at the pile of dust that once had been the dragolinx, “we never really got to know her.”

Shep never fails to make me laugh :)

Shep and Jay sat outside the inn after a long trek down the stony beach. Jay was relieved that they didn’t have to climb back up the rope. Jay sat back and enjoyed the pleasant evening and the breathtaking beauty of the island.

Just to point out, you said 'Jay' once in each of these sentences. I found it repetitive. Don't forget to use your pronouns!

Ack, why did Tart have to try and kill Reyus?! How mean of him!

Despite being a scene that made me want to punch out Tart (yes I wanted to punch a sheep) I enjoyed it. Not only did it create some havoc and give the characters something to do other than rest, it also gave us some insight as to how the sheep act. Despite the fact that they're sheep, they're also still very much themselves. I was having a hard time figuring that one out to be honest. Ever since we met the first sheep, I was wondering how different they were from their human selves. After watching Tart almost kill Reyus though, I think I've got it all figured out. Becoming sheep didn't change anything except their physical appearance. They are still their human selves, just in the body of a sheep. Very interesting.

I do agree with Deanie about the attack scene though. I feel like Tart would be more desperate to kill Reyus. And Tart hasn't seemed like the nicest of sheep up to this point. I definitely think that Jay or Shep would've had to pull Tart off of Reyus to break up the fight. And if Tart really wanted to be the king, wouldn't he barely feel guilt? Politics in a monarchy is quite a tricky thing. All loyalties and friendships are off when it comes to collecting the crown. Just something for you to think about.

Overall I enjoyed this chapter. It was kind of short, but there was a lot that happened. You did a good job making sure we knew everything we needed to know. And we also learn the name of this world: Mystor! Unless of course that's just another city and I'm getting way too ahead of myself. Either way, it's nice to have a name to associate with where they are. It reduces a bit of the mystery.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Rook says...


Hey, thanks for the review, wonderful as always. ^_^
So I had this picture of Shep ripping Tart off of Reyus and then Tart comically hitting the wall of the building and bouncing off. I thought I cleared this up with this line: "Shep wasted no time: he flung Tart aside..." But I guess I didn't. Now that I called your attention to it, will you tell me if it really does need more emphasis?

Also, Mystor was the land that they came from to get on the boat to get to the island. Basically, they went from Trevon, to Mystor, to the scattered isles. Mystor is a country, I suppose. ^_^
Thanks again!



Noelle says...


When Shep and Jay made it to the alleyway, you said Tart was standing over Reyus, his mouth dripping with blood. So I got the image that Tart wasn't really attacking Reyus anymore, just standing by. I think it could use a bit more emphasis personally.



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Wed Jun 25, 2014 9:36 pm
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Fortis!

Here to keep up with this story! This was, as you said, a bit of a small chapter. But that doesn't mean any less meaningful! We get to see here that Shep isn't the only person who is protecting the sheep from outside forces, but that they're also going to have to protect the sheep against each other in some cases. Politics, eh. Looks like Jay is going to end up learning a thing or two ;)

“Well that’s a shame,” said Shep, looking at the pile of dust that once had been the dragolinx, “we never really got to know her.”


I loved this, and I also really loved Fleta's immediate response. I mean, the Dragolinx didn't really come across as the nicest of people. But a small thing to add here would be to mention that Shep is saying this sincerely somewhere along the lines, so we know he genuinely means it and isn't just kidding around. Gives him some compassion as well ^.^


One thing that I felt left a little to be desired was when Tart attacked Reyus. He does it pretty soon, and I doubt Tart would go to guilt and shame so quickly. Maybe if they arrive sooner they could even catch him doing the end of it, ripping his teeth out of Reyus and looking back at him expectantly as if asking, have I done it? Is he dead? And only when Tart realizes he has been caught, maybe he feels a little bit angry but mostly guilty. Or something like that :) Don't be afraid to be too gruesome. It would fuel Jay's emotions even more.

Also, wouldn't the trolls and Fleta come running too if they heard a scream? Just a little thing to note, because they seemed a bit absent in the middle of the action. Or maybe just mention they had gone off somewhere they would be out of hearing range.

Keep going with this, and let me know when the next bit is out. Sorry for the short review, I hope it is still handy :)

Deanie x




Random avatar

Points: 3068
Reviews: 161

Donate
Tue Jun 24, 2014 12:40 am
kayfortnight wrote a review...



sho had been poking around the room
Who, not sho.

Eh, I don't really like Shep's reasoning for renaming the sheep, but I suppose he's a little crazy anyway.

Um, if Shep knew that the prince and king weren't awfully fond of one another, why did he leave them alone together? If he didn't know, he shouldn't have an easy explanation for Jay. Plus, if he did know, the prince would have to be an absolute dolt to attack the king then, because it would be obvious who did it.

That plot just happened way too quickly and was over strangely.




User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Mon Jun 23, 2014 3:46 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! Just as an innocent question, does Shep ever have to shear the sheep? Is that even the right term?

Okay, onto the real stuff.

I’m going to lie down and sleep until my body stops hurthing.”
Typo. Enough said.
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem, thank ‘eavens.” Godfrey, sho had been poking around the room, had pulled back a tapestry to reveal a wooden ladder.
I am legitimately unsure of what happened in this sentence... Did you remember to check your work?
The process of stitching a sheep’s neck closed is not a pretty one
. Past tense, please. This one was pretty hard to spot though.

And... now I can do all the fun stuff. I really love your use of poetic devices in writing! This one:
sunlight peeked through a doorway like a child allowed admittance into a room previously off limits for him
made me especially happy. It's so... alive-sounding.

Another thing I liked was the humanization of the sheep. We tend to forget that they really are royalty, but this was a huge reminder. Like, whoa, the prince wants to kill his dad in order to become king. That was huge. I'm really looking forward to seeing this plot through, especially if things stay so dramatic.

Well... I think that's it for today. Catch you later!



Random avatar
kayfortnight says...


Shear, not sheer:)



Ventomology says...


Ack! Thank you, Kayfortnight! (Maybe I should have looked that up...)




A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka