Young Writers Society

Hello, Chips here to review!

This was quite well written the time and thought put in certainly shows. You have an interesting concept here of Angel vs devil, good vs evil, there is also a great narrative voice to it. The devil within winning was a clever twist, rather than the usual story of the angel and good conquering all.

There is always room for improvement, so there are a few suggestions I'd like to make which may help improve your poem even further.


At times, the rhyming felt forced and hindered any powerful effect your poem could have potentially had.

"My angel wants to stay clean,
But my devil needs to be free.
The angel inside needs peace,
while my devil only makes it cease.
The angel wants to live life and succeed.
The devil strives to make my angel bleed."

I actually like the opening stanza best as the rhyming here flowed well together and it enabled the reader, to read on.

"My angel is crying, crying out for respite"

I didn't feel the need for the repetition of "crying", in my opinion.


"The goodness from the angel is now fading."

Here, I thought the line didn't quite fit, mainly due to the word choice of, "goodness", perhaps changing the word to something with similar meaning.

Overall, nice work. Keep writing!
Hope this review helped.


--Chips

Interesting...

I like the idea you have here. An unique way of capturing the battles we face with in ourselves.

The most captivating thing about this poem is the fact that the Angel/good isn't winning. The picture you paint here is actually better because of the darker turn that it take, not that I want the devil to win. I'm just saying.

That being said I felt like some of the rhyming was... I am not quite sure how to explain it, but it came across as not super original and a bit force at times.

But other than that and the fact that the last two stanzas have to be separated, good work!

Keep up the writing!

-DG

Hi! Aley here for a quick review.

First off I'd like to say that I think some of the ways you talk about this argument, devil vs angel, good vs bad, sin vs cooperation, have actually got quite a bit of merit to them and some uniqueness. For instance, while most poems in this situation argue that the angel will win out because they have the endurance of the moral high-ground, you actually have the devil winning. That's interesting to me.

Overall, I think that the rhyme scheme got in your way on a few lines, like "the angel wants to live life and succeed" and "my angel is crying, crying out for respite" which actually is a slant rhyme, so I'm happy to see you using it. Still, it's an odd word, and an odd pattern. The first one, with succeed, well, you never really tell us what they're going to succeed in doing. The devil's goal is pretty simple, kill the angel and live as they want to. How can the angel succeed completely in anything without killing the devil? Thus, how can the angel even dream of succeeding at any one point in time? It seems like the eternal fight would just always wage as long as the angel won, so there isn't even a thought of success.

Aside from that, I'd like to offer you a few suggestions for things to try as you advance forward in writing poetry. Try working without rhymes, working with internal rhymes, or working more heavily with slant rhymes. I think these things are really important to studying rhymes and working with them will give you the most help.

Also when you're working with lines, try enjambment more heavily like you do at the start of the second stanza, and the beginning of the first. Ending with a period at the end of every line can get really boring really quickly, and it doesn't leave you that much room for complex sentences, or sentence variety. Take a look at some of the more recent poems and you'll see that they utilize convoluted sentence structures to help support their main points in odd, misshapen ways that don't lend themselves well to being graphed out.

Other than that I'm glad to see you have a firm grasp on capitalization and punctuation in poetry. You have a clear sense of beat and flow.

Keep writing.