z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Blood Bath

by BrumalHunter


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

District Two has never been my favourite place. Since I could walk, I have been meaning to escape the confines of its grey walls and drab society. Sure, our architects are the best in all of the districts and yes, their designs are masterpieces worthy of hanging in exhibitions in the galleries of the Capitol, but that is exactly what makes our lot so sad. While the Capitol gets to enjoy our district’s brilliance, we who live in the place where these geniuses are born, we must, like mangy street cats, be content with the scraps that are thrown to us, seeing as any architect who shows promise is always spirited away.

Alas, it seemed my dream would forever remain unfulfilled, as one is destined to remain in the same district from the moment one is born to the moment one dies. I could not even relate with the others from my district, as I have always been scrawny and preferred nature’s elegance to man’s “civilisation”. For this, I was often mocked.

And so, I trudged through the miserable streets as always I did, but for once, I noticed something odd: A fine young lady was pinning something to the wooden notice board in front of the dreary city hall. She clearly did not belong in District Two, for she was beauty incarnate; everything about her, from her beautiful dark brown hair to her skin, white and delicate as alabaster, transfixed me. Only after she had left did I emerge from my reverie and hasten to discover the reason behind her visit.

It was as if she was heaven-sent. Like a true angel, she had come as an answer to my prayers, for what she had pinned onto the notice board was an announcement – it read that the land’s first ever Hunger Games would be held at the beginning of the following month. What did it matter that the name was ominous? The opportunity of finally going on my very own adventure had at last presented itself! Needless to say, my name was the first to appear on the list of people who wished to contest.

More mockery, even more spiteful than usual, ensued, but nothing could quench my optimism, especially when I was selected as one of my district’s four tributes! I had, of course, entered not knowing what would be demanded of me were I to be selected. A month later, standing on my platform, I knew exactly what would be demanded of me.

Upon emerging from the holding chambers beneath the Arena, I was slightly confused. The whole time I had been preparing for what I would do once the Games had begun, and yet, when the time for action was upon me, there I stood, like a deer in a car’s spotlights. That thought sped me to action. Without further delay, I sprinted towards the centre of the Arena – towards the Cornucopia.

I am not the best of athletes, so how I had managed to reach that metal saviour and simultaneous death-bringer before anyone else, still boggles me. I did not reflect upon the idea for long though; a second thereafter, the others had joined me.

I ducked just in time to miss the swing of an axe, and I countered by kicking my assailant in the groin. While he was recovering, I glanced at the five objects of variable use in front of me: the lamp of what appeared to be a food genie, an unknown, lavishly dressed person, twelve inches of rope, a black cloak and a tan and black German Shepherd.

I spoke to the dog, but not in English, lest the other tributes have the ability to confuse him, at least to some extent. No, instead, I spoke to him in a different language. Later that day, I dubbed him Daniël (pronounced Daar’–knee–uhl), but at that moment, I simply ordered him to “Kom!”

I poked the same tribute which had previously attempted to decapitate me, in the eyes, stunning him once more, and, among screams of assailants and victims alike, I sprinted back to from whence I had came. The violence of the Blood Bath was only the beginning of everyone’s fight for survival, and I knew I had to prepare.

I ran deeper into the temperate forest which was the Arena, until the only sounds I could hear were my own and Daniël’s breathing and footfalls. Hardly taking the time to catch my breath, I collected a suitable rock and some branches.

With the rock, I peeled off the bark from one of the branches and sharpened the end of it. Meanwhile, I tossed the other branches into the brush for Daniël to fetch. It was not casual playing, no; German Shepherds are the third most intelligent dogs in the world, and the most aggressive to boot.

It was training.

Daniël instinctively ran after the branches, but I told him, “Bly!” He would then sit down and look at me until I said, “Gaan haal,” after which he would return the thrown branch. I repeated the process several times until he automatically sat and awaited my command.

I then threw the branch once more, but this time I threw my makeshift spear in the opposite direction as well. I pointed at the spear and issued the command. Daniël quickly mastered that exercise too, so I exchanged my spear for the rock. Soon, Daniël was fetching anything at which I pointed, even when I had not thrown it. I was amazed at the speed at which he learned my commands – he must have been one of the finest dogs the Capitol had ever produced.

My next task was teaching him to attack. I happened upon a cluster of birch saplings while I was searching for a suitable target – fortunate for me, but not so much for the saplings.

Animals are very sensitive to body language, so I adopted a pose of aggression towards one of the saplings. Adding my intention to the tone of my voice, I hissed, “Val aan!” and pointed at the unlucky birch.

Daniël met the slender sapling with vehemence, easily snapping it in half and then still ravaging the remnants.

Eventually, I needed only whisper the command for Daniël to come down upon whatever was misfortunate enough to be at the end of my gaze. I affectionately stroked Daniël as I viewed the ruined and bleeding birches.

It was then that hunger gnawed at me, so I decided to forage, cautiously, mind you. I came upon some nightshade. Completely aware of the toxicity of its berries, I plucked some of the glistening fruit and made as if I intended to eat it. Daniël growled at me softly, but averted his gaze and whined when I looked at him. In a fit of ecstasy, I praised him – I had a dog which could smell poison! After that, I ate some blackberries, feeding Daniël some as well, and pocketed the rest for later. The deadly nightshade I placed on a stump in the middle of a clearing, in full view of any unwitting tribute.

It is very important for one to stay hydrated, so I retraced my steps back towards the pool I had seen earlier. The water was safe to drink, so drink it I did. I then peeled off the bark of an ash and chewed it to a pulp. The pulp I then mixed with water and smeared it all over the parts of my skin someone was most likely to notice, providing me not only with camouflage, but also masking my scent from any other animals that could have smelled me. Bark-pulp is also mild enough not to be too obtrusive, like wolverine-scat would have been. In addition, I smeared my clothing with mud and moss, so as to further improve my camouflage, but as I am not an expert on the topic, I could not do much more. I also had to besmirch Daniël, though he did not like it much.

The light was beginning to wane, so I searched for a suitable shelter. Before long, I spotted cluster upon cluster of alders. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw it was a bog. I searched out a shallow bank and, hoping the Capitol had excluded any leeches from the Arena, buried myself in the filthy sludge, making sure my head was in such a position that it would not be noticed, but that I could still breathe.

I gave Daniël the order to keep guard, “Hou wag,” which I had taught him earlier that day; in doing so, I could get as much sleep as I could whilst having muck invade every inch of my body, without having to worry about being killed in my sleep. Luckily, I am a light sleeper, so if anyone were foolish enough to wander about during the night, Daniël would pick up his or her scent, alert me, and together, we’d dispatch the unwitting tribute.

While I was lying there, drifting away despite the mire, I realised how attached I had become to Daniël. Without him by my side, I would surely not have survived as long I have, not only because of his steadfast watch, but also because of the comfort his loyal companionship provides.

He is the only soul I can trust.


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Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:08 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review a fellow Tribute's entry! (Go D.2!!!)

Alas, it seemed my dream would forever remain unfulfilled

You mention a dream first here, but never really explain it. Is this a dream to leave your district? Become something great? What? You could explain a little more.

The only thing about your dog that's confusing is how he understood Afrikaans (thanks, WanderingWizard).

I could get as much sleep as I could whilst having muck invade every inch of my body

Um, two things. One, how does the command to guard apply to having muck invade you? And two, why would you want that? What is that supposed to do?

we’d dispatch the boob.

...
Um...
What is that supposed to mean? Why not just say "Tribute"? It'd be a lot simpler.

And I'm not entirely convince that
Without him by my side, I would surely not have survived as long I have
, since you (supposedly) beat me to the Cornucopia and got in and out all right.
But hey. It's just a story.

Hope this helps!




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Mon Jun 02, 2014 2:26 pm
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ThePatchworkPilgrims wrote a review...



Greetings James!
Let's keep this short and sweet.
Your vocabulary and grammar are still up to scratch (not that ever wasn't, of course), and I like your descriptive talents. my friend. You placed me in your shoes every step of the way (even though it was kind of uncomfortable {the shoes, by the way}).
I liked the German Shepherd's name and the fact that you added a bit of Afrikaans just to spice things up a notch.
This is an exceptional piece of work and I like it a lot. Therefore I am rating it a 9.0 out of ten. Bravo!!
Sincerely
The Wandering Wizard




BrumalHunter says...


Why thank you! And congratulations on correctly identifying the second language.



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:17 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Wonderful! It is a lot better. Thirty-six times better, to be exact.

While the Capitol gets to enjoy our district’s brilliance, but we who live in the place where these geniuses are born, we must, like mangy street cats, be content with the scraps that are thrown to us, seeing as any architect which shows promise is always spirited away.

Splendid sentence, but I would suggest removing the first "but."
he must have been one of the finest dogs the Capitol had ever produced.

Perfect!
It was a joy reading through the story again. Your writing style is beautiful and you fixed everything perfectly. Excellent job, my friend!




BrumalHunter says...


Aww, thank you! *wipes away a tear*



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:50 pm
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BrumalHunter says...



Thank you to everyone who has replied so far; you have been an immense help! I now present to you The Blood Bath, version 1.2! Enjoy, and once again, I should very much appreciate your responses!

~JamesHunt




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Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:35 pm
Caitlyn says...



Just one little thing I want to mention. You spelled Shepard wrong. No biggie, but I just wanted to let you know.




BrumalHunter says...


Actually, we both did. The correct spelling is "Shepherd".



Wolfi says...


No way! I've spelled it wrong my entire life, then! :(



Caitlyn says...


Ack! And I always prided myself on my spelling abilities...



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:48 pm
Ventomology says...



Since anything that looks remotely German always intrigues me, what was that second language you used here?




BrumalHunter says...


Das ist nicht deutsch, der ist sicher ;)

Anyway, you have to guess first! It is Germanic, though. :D



Ventomology says...


It's probably not Dutch... Is it Swedish or Norwegian?



BrumalHunter says...


Nope - one guess left. :)



Ventomology says...


Is it Danish?



BrumalHunter says...


Nay. I shall now reveal the language to you. It is: ... (check your inbox)



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:47 pm
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FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Sis here, as promised.

I'm going to jump right in to criticism (sorry) because we don't have a lot of time.

Okay, so first off. Your opening.

I was strolling through the city one day when I noticed a fine young lady pin an announcement to the wooden notice board in front of the city hall. I hastened to read it, and fancy that! It read that the land’s first ever Hunger Games would be held at the beginning of the following month.

This opening seems a bit weak to me. You are part of the districts and to me (yes I know it's District 2) it seems too happy. You say "fine young lady." Would that be like Effie? Make it more detailed and not as...kiddy...

Not knowing what would be demanded of me were I to be selected, I entered. A month later, I knew exactly what would be demanded of me.

This part was really good. Intriguing and very well written.

The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs were okay...parts were really good but some of it could've been written better.

Throughout the rest, I really liked it. I'm not the best at picking out grammatical mistakes...so I can't help you there.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. It isn't meant that way, promise. This is really good, and you did a great job writing it.

Keep writing, my friend. And keep smiling too. Screw odds. When are they ever in our favor? Make your own destiny.

Lata'

-Sis




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your advice; I shall take it to heart.



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:39 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Hi JamesHunt!
As your first work published on here (I think), you did a great job! It was written really well and I was intruiged from beginning to end.
I absolutely loved Daniël. Who would have thought of offering a dog companion in the cornucopia? At times I thought that the narrator trained him too easily, however. German Shepards are very intelligent, yes, but no dog is that smart. Training dogs is one of my little hobbies, so I am aware of the difficulties. But I assume that Daniël must have been trained before by someone in the Capitol and all the narrator had to do was retrain him in a different language. Either way, the narrator should have been presented with more difficulties in this area.
Speaking of difficulties, the narrator hardly seemed to have any at all. There wasn't any interaction with the other tributes at the bloodbath, for instance. He just dashed to the cornucopia, called Daniël, and ran off without any issues. When there's twenty-three other kids fighting for a chance to grap something from the cornucopia, you're going to run into some conflict. It is good, though, that the narrator expressed his confusion about reaching it without troubles.
There is one other thing I'd like to point out.

Daniël met the slender sapling with vehemence.

There are some areas in the story such as this where the action is not described. Here, explain how Daniël attacked the tree. Did he fasten his massive jaws around the sapling's narrow trunk? Did he tear off the bark and rip off the leaves?
Overall, you did a very nice job on this. I love the affection that is blooming between the main character and Daniël. I see that this is a draft so you will be able to fix the little issues and make this story even better. Great job! I can't wait to read more! :D




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your input, my friend, I really do appreciate it! I shall be sure to consider the matters you have pointed out to me and improve on them post-haste! :D



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 11:24 am
BrumalHunter says...



To all who read this, take note: This is NOT my final draft, which means it can still undergo changes. I shall post another comment when I am ready to submit my short story as final.

For the moment, I ask that you point out any mistakes I may have made, as well as any other objections you may have, but feel free to criticise or praise my work as much as you like, as long as you remain civil.

~JamesHunt





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