z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Prakfura Raiders: Chapter Two: Part Two

by PiesAreSquared


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

“Come on! Let’s go already!” I said, still laughing. I reached forward and grabbed his shoulder, then shouted into his ear. “Go!”

Hopping and propelling him out the door with both hands on his shoulders, I directed him back the way I’d come. The road was a jumble of ruts and cobbled stone. I jiggled forward to grab Jale’s hand.

"When I use this," I smiled at him, twirling the blade clumsily. "I want you to be there."

"I don't want to be there." He declared, pulling his hand free and holding them in surrender. "I want to go to the glass castles my father always talks about."

"We could go there. Also?" I creased my brows at him.

He huffed a breath. "Alright, you win this one. Ah!" He stopped me just as I was about to dash away in victory. "You could finally learn to walk. Besides, we need to figure out where to find those pepper seeds in time for Old Dwinny's morning loaves."

It was my turn to puff at him as I scowled. "I thought we already decided on the bushes near the castle?" So we had always referred to the mayor's residence.

"So did I, but then that's too far away for today. It will be noon by the time we get to your mother's shop, and beyond that when we cut up that dumb wood of yours. By the time we reach the castle, it will be time for the Iggy." He aped the dance again.

"Well, you can get prakfuras in your legs and run to the castle for the peppers now if you like. And then come back and help saw the wood.” The words tumbled from me without second thought.

"Ha!" He laughed in my face. “Never! I prefer to take things easy. Why are we planning on taking fresh seeds anyway?”

I crumpled my face at him. “You said to take those. Besides, that’s the easiest place to get peppers. We don’t actually have to steal it from the spicers.”

“That’s interesting.” He put on a sagely face. “I never thought of that. Why didn’t I think of that? We could totally steal from the spicers!”

My hand came up, a finger outstretched. I put on Madam Dwinfer’s angry voice. “We are not totally going to steal anything from them, you rascal.”

He ducked the poke, and dashed down the road. I followed. He laughed when I panted up to my Mom’s shop door, leaning on the beams with his arms crossed over his chest. “Slowley! Slowley!” He mocked. I headbutted him onto the floor and hammered up the stairs, racing past my mother, intent on a piece of work

My hands reached for the large gnarl of wood standing by my straw. I winced as I recalled having to clean it out. Save that for later, knucklebrain. I told myself. I backed to the door and shouted. “Are you just going to lie on the floor or what?”

“Al, sweetheart, don’t holler through the cracks.” Mom spoke up, her eyes leaving the shirt she had been working on.

“If you can call this thing a crack!” I hollered, kicking the door planks. “Jale, hurry.”

“You’re always impatient.” He got up from the floor with exaggerated slowness. Mom laughed.

“Go on, Jale. Don’t tax her patience. You’re not the one living with her.” Mom had put down the shirt and was now helping Jale to his feet. She shoved him a little, towards the stairs. “Don’t make too much noise, I’m working.”

“Well Aley, you heard your mom. Don’t make too much noise. We need to put oil on the saw and go really slow.” He winked up at me as I glared down through the door. Then he held out his hands in apology as he climbed up the stairs.

“This.” I huffed, lugging the wood closer to where he stood. “And this.” I swivelled on my heels, my brows furrowed as I scanned the room. My face contorted in puzzlement. “Where did that unicorned saw get to.”

Jale rubbed his hands together gleefully. “A ghost took it.” He whispered mysteriously. Drawling out his words, he added. “Or maybe, just, maybe. Someone decided that children should not play with dangerous things. Huh?”

“Shut up. I’m thinking.” I pointed a knowing finger at him and shut my eyes. My mind whizzed through the past day and beyond, looking for the latest memory of the saw. Under the straw. I dropped to my knees and lifted up the pile. There was no saw. Instead, a small boxy brown package sat near the wall.

I gingerly lifted it up. It felt rather heavy in my hands. “Pretty saw.” Jale laughed at me. He had crossed the short distance to stand in front of me. His eyes were fixed on the object in my hand. “Well, aren’t you going to open it? Or do you feel the awe seeping from brown paper?”

My fingers tore off the wrapping. Inside, a small bronze figurine unveiled itself. It had two whip like tails, long protruding fangs. And eyes glossing with red paint. Jale and I locked our eyes, our jaws hanging open.


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667 Reviews


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Wed Jun 04, 2014 5:05 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hi Pies! I saw that this was a pretty short chapter, so I think I have the time to review it for you! I saw you say something about fragment sentences down in the reviews, but I will side wit you on this. I think fragments in writing can be very effective depending on where you place it. Also, I don't think you need to rate each chapter the same level, although if you are just gonna do it for the whole, that is your choice, not mine.

I jiggled forward to grab Jale’s hand.

I know someone already mentioned this, but it just made me smile so hard. I imagine her like flopping as if she were a fish out of water xDDD

"We could go there. Also?" I creased my brows at him.

Speaking of fragments. I feel that although you CAN do this in dialogue, it looks really awkward here. It doesn't look like how someone would talk.

I headbutted him onto the floor and hammered up the stairs, racing past my mother, intent on a piece of work

Ouch! Poor kid xDD anyway, you are missing a period at the end of this sentence.

Save that for later, knucklebrain. I told myself.

I don't think the period is necessary since it is a thought. Replace it with a comma maybe? Also, if you have it in italics, there is no reason to say she thought. We know she thought it.

“Or maybe, just, maybe. Someone decided that children should not play with dangerous things. Huh?”

What is that period doing before "Someone"?

Well those are the nitpicks. I really loved this chapter, and your building up Aley and Jale's characters! This chapter perfectly captured two kid's relationships I think, and it was a pleasure to read. Now that ending completely confused me, but we shall find out in the next chapter, I am sure!

~Messenger




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Sun May 25, 2014 7:27 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Pies, Wolf here for a review.
I have a few little nit-picks:

I jiggled forward to grab Jale’s hand.

I don't feel 'jiggled' is the right word to use here. Usually I associate jiggling with some object being moved back and forth very quickly.
"We could go there. Also?"

I don't see why this is a question. Is it supposed to be "We could go there, also."?
So we had always referred to the mayor's residence.

This seems like a strange interjection. It is just slightly mentioned and never picked up again. It seems more distracting than anything, maybe you could make this sentence's purpose more clear?

Other than that, I really like this chapter. I have not read the other parts, but I do intend to after seeing how amazing this was. These characters were believable and I'm under the impression that they are kind of young, like fifteen maybe? They interactions were very we done.

I would like to point out, that I don't see many descriptions of their surrounds. In the beginning you pointed out the walkway, and I had an idea of what the shop may have looked like, but the rest I'm in the dark. I guess a lot of this stuff could have been mentioned in other chapters though.

For not having read the other parts, I was able to follow along this plot very well, for the most part. I must applaud you with that. I cannot wait to see more, Keep Writing,
~Wolfare






Thank you Wolfare. Will edit those parts ASAP!

For there being a question mark after also, what I was trying to do is to add hesitation and the feel of Should we should we not..


Thanks again!



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Mon May 12, 2014 7:58 pm
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kayfortnight wrote a review...



Nitpicks:

“Never! I prefer to take things easy. Why are we planning on taking fresh seeds anyway.”
?, not .

[/quote]And eyes glossing with red paint. [/quote] Sentence fragment, which is okay in dialogue but not in the actual writing.

There were a few spots that were worded strangely and just didn't feel "right" to me but I won't point them out as I can't pinpoint what's wrong.


Very interesting chapter. I like the interplay between Jale and Aley-it feels right, like they've known each other forever.

Sorry the review is short, but I really can't find much to complain about in this chapter and it's always easier to write about the complaints.






These things will be edited. Although I like sentence fragments in the actual writing, when it's purposeful, so I'm keeping that.




Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer