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Young Writers Society


12+

The Tales of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 4-2)

by ulala8


The Present

“Your topic is: animal rights,” the announcer said, “Pualani will argue the affirmative and Kenichi will argue the negative.” Pualani nodded her head to confirm this to herself before she opened her mouth to speak.

“It is generally agreed upon that an animal, like any human, has a soul. With this truth in mind, an animal should have the same rights as a human, for it has a soul and a breath like ours. An animal that is in pain cries. A dog who is happy to see his owner will wag his tail just as a person will smile. A cat who is giving birth will groan just as a person will.

“Animals are also quite intelligent. A pet will wait by its water or food dish if they are hungry or thirsty. There are pets that cry and wail when their owners are not there and there have even been some pets that have have been turned loose by their owners, yet they will go on long journeys to stay with them, or to find them.

“If animals are so like humans, then why should we treat them any different than humans? While it is not ideal for animals or humans if we put them in suits and teach them to do business,” -there was a small ripple of laughter that moved over the listeners- “but it is to harm an animal- starve and animal, abuse an animal- is to harm a person- rob a person, beat a person --kill a person.” Pualani stepped down from her podium. There was applause. Kenichi ascended to the podium, his face like steel.

“How is one to know that an animal can feel emotions? It may be only an instinctual reaction that had been triggered so as to protect the animal. If a cat is yelling, he is likely in pain. However, the reason for him to be yelling could be that he is attempting to alert others to help it. In which case, no link can be made that suggests that the animal is crying like a human does.

“There is no evidence that an animal has a soul of any sort. Allow me to ask, Pualani: can you see souls? Is that one of your mind-blowing Light powers?” there was a pause in which no one answered the question and Pualani only bowed her head in embarrassment at being called out. “I didn’t think so. You have no proof to support your argument. Animals do not have souls, therefore do not necessitate human-like treatment. It is only a burden on society to care for our animals as if they were our own children.” No one seemed to agree with this view, but Kenichi was applauded anyway and even the applauders seemed crestfallen. Pualani came back to the podium.

“Allow me to recount a tale for all of you. It is undisputed that we are the descendants of Osorezu, the first person to come into being-- even science has proved that we all date back to one male,” Pualani explained. “Osorezu and Hana- the first woman- created a son. This son birthed the God of Bravery. He earned this title by saving the human soul from ever being consumed by another Soul Stealer. What source could you imagine is that of the souls that they consume today? Why, the only living, breathing creatures left: animals.

“So regardless of whether a creature is human or animal, it has a soul. In this sense, any creature with a soul is to be treated equally as we all bear souls-- the breath of life. Imagine being beaten for a menial mistake. Imagine being tied up and allowed to starve and thirst. Imagine it! This is the pain that some animals, wild or domesticated, must face every day. They can feel just as you and I can, for they have souls just as we do. Who are we to take their lives into our hands? A person who starves an animal or abuses an animal might as well be starving a human and abusing human.”

This earned a large applause, with many people nodding in agreement to her speech. The applause lasted for a few moments (which felt like hours for the nervous debaters) before the room filled with the squealing of chairs as the people seated themselves. As the judges began to deliberate, the room became heavy in tension as if a thick soup of palpable nervousness had filled the room full. It was hot and it made the debaters sweat in anxiety as if they were simmering over a hot flame.

One of the judges stood to announce the winner. He cleared his throat before bringing the microphone to his lips, “The winner of this round will move on to debate at the semifinals on the morrow.” There was a tense pause that Pualani wished she could simply cut away. She wanted to hear the results so badly that her stomach was jumping into her throat. “The winner is…” Kenichi’s brow began to drip sweat as he brimmed with apprehension and baked under the spotlights. “Pualani Misara.”

Kenichi bowed his head in defeat, but a smile quickly found its way onto his lips. He left his podium and approached the grinning victor.

“Great debate,” He whispered as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. “Great job.”

Pualani’s trembling fingers reached up and grasped at the back of his ornamented blazer. She pressed her face into his shoulder, taking in the moment shortly before she pulled back.

“You did fabulously,” she gave him a charming grin. She could see the sorrow deep in his eyes. “It’ll be alright. You’ll still be a great Negotiator.”

“Thank you,” Kenichi responded before he patted her back and turned toward the stage where the semifinals would take place. The stage towered above the others and it curved out, framed by the seats like an amphitheatre. It was a marvel to trump all others (as far as stages went), save that of the stage where the finals would take place. The spotlights weren’t shining, but they were a great deal larger than the others. They were sure to beat down terribly hard on Pualani and her opponent tomorrow. “You’d better prepare yourself to debate there tomorrow.”


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Tue May 20, 2014 6:26 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Ulala, it's me again!

I feel sorry for Kenichi. Although Paulini did win fair and square, I can still sympathise with him taking that wistful look at the stage he hasn't earned his way on to. I am glad Paulini was the winner, and that this debate so far is over, because we wouldn't want too many same-like chapters.

Also, you should think carefully about the amount of chapters you have in between each storyline. Although you are balancing past with the present, you should also be thinking about the debate with Paulini and the battle another one of the characters was going to face. You've put so many chapters in between when it was just about to happen that we are losing that line of plot. So, either more balance is needed or you need to stick to fewer points of view to bring messages across here. Just watch out for that ;)

I did like this chapter, and it is giving us more information as to why animals are just as important in this society. But I am wondering, will these debates actually change something in this society or is it just to raise awareness and demonstrate certain points? What comes of the result of these debates?

Too, I was thinking about how it was lucky Paulini always got to argue for a case. I would like to see one where she argues against something she doesn't agree with. Because if you don't, it seems like she always has the upper hand when it comes to the choice in subject. She needs to be able to weasel her way out of a difficult point of view. A challenge we as readers would like to see!

I hope this helps. I'll keep reading :)

Deanie x




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Sun Apr 06, 2014 4:13 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review as requested!

Technical:

the announcer said,

That should be a period instead of a comma.

Pualani nodded her head to confirm this to herself

That's a really wordy segment. Perhaps give it some attention to see if you could say it differently and shorter.

“It is generally agreed upon that an animal, like any human, has a soul.

Maybe I'm missing something from previous stories, but that would be a point of contention in a normal debate. Also, give us a speaker tag really early on. Otherwise it's just a bunch of blocks of dialogue.

*Edit*
I see. It's a part of this world. Interesting.

While it is not ideal for animals or humans if we put them in suits and teach them to do business

You might want to consider rewording the ending of that portion (do business) because, when I first read it, that came across as people and animals being dressed in giant diapers to "do their business." It may just be the phrase and the way you have the sentence written, but I'd give it little more attention there.

“How is one to know that an animal can feel emotions?

Another dialogue tag please.

If a cat is yelling, he is likely in pain.

I'd recommend using "it" instead of "he," to be more scientifically accurate by not assuming the male-gender.

“You did fabulously,” she gave him a charming grin.

That should have a period instead of a comma, and "she" should be capitalized.

She could see the sorrow deep in his eyes. "It’ll be alright.

That should be "all right."

Kenichi responded before he

Don't replace "said" at every opportunity. "Said" is a word that is understood to be used a lot, and most people gloss over it, if they recognize it at all. It's like a period or a comma.

Well, you have a pretty good concept going here. (I can see why there's a following.) Nice Christian elements, too. Good job on the writing.

Hope this helps!




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Sun Apr 06, 2014 12:12 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



As requested, Buggie is here to review!
Now then, for grammar there are a few mistakes I noticed, mostly with syntax. They can be easily straightened out by a quick read-aloud.
For technique... I remember seeing this comment on one of your other pieces, but you tend to repeat yourself in descriptions.

as if a thick soup of palpable nervousness had filled the room full.
It was hot and it made the debaters sweat in anxiety as if they were simmering over a hot flame.

I'm not sure what a good way to fix this would be though... so just stay alert when re-reading.
And the other comment is that you could stand to diversify your sentence structures. I saw lots of great different sentence lengths (A+!) but try to start with a dependent clause or an adverb every so often.
Um... for characters and plot, since I haven't actually read all of it, I can't say much. I would have liked to see more of Pualani's thoughts though. In the beginning, it would be appropriate to have her gather a few ideas for the debate, and maybe throw in her own prediction for the turnout.
Well, I hope this helped!
Ciao for now!





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud