Young Writers Society

Hey there! I hope you're well. Here's my review for this poem :

Paths woven like Indian rugs
on dusty lanes which are lined
with twining trees.
Wild rose bushes bloom,
thorns as sharp and curved
as a freshly sharpened blade.
The flowers bright and fragranced
like a mystical perfume.
Gnarled roots snake underfoot
daring us to fall.

thorns as threatening and curved
as a freshly sharpened blade.

But we will fight our way
through the thorns of jealously
the blossoms of portrayal
and the roots of fear.

You have a great way of giving details of how the wilderness is like. The descriptions appeal to the five senses very well and the poem flowed nicely. For suggestions, I want what you think of the wilderness or a better rhythm. But overall, a very nice poem.

very nice imagination, full with emotions i think it's the best that i've read so far
i liked when you said
"Wild rose bushes bloom,

thorns as sharp and curved

as a freshly sharpened blade.

The flowers bright and fragranced

like a mystical perfume."
it give a beautifull poem, and also i liked the line
"But we will fight our way

through the thorns of jealously"
keep the good work

Hi ConverseFireGirl

Aley here for a quick review.

I really loved this poem for the most part. It sort of fell apart for me when you stopped talking about the nature as nature and started applying propositional phrases to them like "of jealousy" to "of our hearts." For me these phrases really didn't add to the poem, but brought it out of the beautiful physical reality you had created with "gnarled roots snake underfoot/daring us to fall" and some of your other lines near the top. These are so rich with things we can smell, and feel, and understand that to drop down to "roots of fear" is sort of a long ways off. For me, the best part about the poem before that line was that you did not try to beat us over the head with what this metaphor was about, just gave us the visuals of the metaphor. To me, this makes a strong poem because you allow us to work with out imaginations to determine what it is you're trying to say, and you could be saying nothing at all.

I don't know if you've read this before or not, but it's a quick read and one that you'll probably read eventually. The Road Not Taken is one of those poems that has so many adaptations to it, like All The Difference (Black Jake and the Carnies) because it has an obvious metaphor, the path is life, the life not taken, etcetera, because of just one line. It could literally be a poem about taking a hike in nature, or we can choose to interpret it differently. This duality to a poem is what creates discussion and argument, which keeps a poem alive.

While we all basically agree that "The Road Not Taken" is about life, we cannot agree whether it really made all the difference or not. That's the statement being made by the poem, that it did. That is where the discussion is.

Because of your lines "throns of jealousy" and so forth, we don't have that in this poem. You've basically outlined the creature in the dark instead of giving us that beautiful suspense of "what does it look like." It's a pretty easy fix. Just chop off all of the "of jealousy" like statements "of portrayal"[I'm not sure this is the word you were looking for[I think you were looking for betrayal] because portrayal is to show something[their portrayal of Shakespeare's "King Lear" was...]] and you're left with an end that needs a little sprucing up. "But we fight our way through the thorns/the blossoms/and the roots." ["fight our way through the thorns" is super strong, adding blossoms[easy] and roots[medium] kind of takes away from that.] "And we walk into the wilderness."[which is actually a fragment because of the "and" which claims it wants to be connected without a period, but a comma.]
This to me is a much stronger ending than the one you have even though it does have some minor issues.

Overall, I love your open, and your first several lines. I think you've got the base for a really strong poem here. Hopefully with a couple alterations, you can make it even better.

okay so,

Paths woven like Indian rugs
on dusty lanes which are lined
with twining trees.

Wild rose bushes bloom,
thorns as sharp and curved
as a freshly sharpened blade.

Hey ConverseFireGirl! Rhia here to review.

This is really well written, and I love the imagery.

I'll nitpick a few little things first:

"Paths woven like Indian rugs

on dusty lanes which are lined "

I think that this would flow a lot better if you cut the "which are". "Dusty lanes lined" sounds a lot better to me. Also, you could move the "with" from the next line up, so "twining trees" stands alone, which I think makes the alliteration more emphasized and dramatic. Plus, that way you avoid starting the line with "and", which always makes things look a little cleaner.

"But we will fight our way

through the thorns of jealously

the blossoms of portrayal

and the roots of fear."

I think that this could be improved with commas after "jealousy", after "portrayal", and after "fear", just to give it a bit more rhythm. Last thing, regarding these lines. "thorns of jealousy" and "roots of fear" both make lots of sense, it is a very clear image. However, I don't really get the same effect from "blossoms of portrayal". I think you could find a more explanatory word, it just doesn't quite fit with the other two words yet.

Otherwise, really love this! Very pretty, very nice to read. THanks for sharing!