Young Writers Society

Hi Timmy!

Ooh a haiku. These are the hardest to review, so maybe this might end up being a comment. I have to say I like the idea here, talking about the double-sided people who feel one way inside and another outside. And it also makes me think of two-faced people, so when it comes to meaning, you've pretty much got it down to peg.

I think the first line is great, and have little suggestions for the other two.

While being weak deep inside.

The double man's here.

Hello Timmy! I hope you're having an awesome review day cos that's why I'm here.

I have a deep love for haikus, they're fun, easy to read and can provide a very powerful image.

However, this isn't really a haiku. Haiku's tend to have 5 syllables in the first line then 7 then back to 5. This has 5 then 8 then 5 so you're almost there!

Perhaps you could change 'while' to 'though' or 'but' would turn it into a real haiku.


I really liked the subject matter you picked here.

The double man's here.

I really, really like the ideas on this. The double man could mean a lot, really. He could have two sides to him--strong and weak, as you mentioned--or he could be rallying with different emotions. An internal battle, if you will. This was just how I perceived it, though, so I don't know of anyone else has the same thoughts as me.

The second line seems a little awkward. Maybe it's the wording? I think it could be changed to flow better. Here's how I would write it:

Strong on the outside,
But still weak deep inside me.
The double man's here.

Also, about haikus:
- By definition, a haiku is a three-lined poem with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third. I see you've fixed that part )
- a haiku is written about, or dealing with nature. Other topics could be a senryu, I believe. I'll have to look it up again later for confirmation.

I liked it. It doesn't provoke too much thought, but I do like it.

Always,
DarkHeart

hmm. Me gusta! ( I like it) haha. Interesting. It is small ,but refelctive and yet clever. Enjoyed your work young writer!


-Amber

Hi Timmy!

Haiku are actually usually 5-7-5 (syllables) and this is 7-10-4, so this could be a haiku's second cousin. Haiku (haikus?) are very fascinating, and I especially like them because I'm so impatient! However, they can be difficult to write because you have to be extremely concise and leave a lasting impression on your reader.

I think you did well on the whole "concise" thing, and I think this also has the sort of feeling that is typical of haiku, even though haiku are traditionally descriptions of nature and so on. However, I think you can cheat a bit on the nature part, because it's nice to break rules in writing! I think the best haiku are somehow chilling, and "the double man" definitely adds a little to the creepiness. Maybe you can try playing with the syllables so you'll actually reach the 5-7-5 construction of a haiku, if that's what you want to call this.

Demeter x

Hey there Tiny Tim! I don't think I have ever reviewed anything from you before!
I really like this haiku! I usually find them hard to review but there is a lot I like about this! My favourite bit was the last little phrase! "The double man". I think it tied up the piece very nicely! I also like how you made this into a kind of outside inside thing; two opposites. Haikus are very good for that sort of thing!
You have your punctuation in the correct place, but you did miss out one capital which is pretty obvious in haikus. It would be a good idea to change that!
Overall very good haiku! Especially for your first!
See ya Tiny Tim!