We are weak in the morning,
Our lives bound to another's fate.
Our fragile presence is held together,
Not kept alive by our will, but by another’s.
We see the world as a child.
The rock is a ball, the stick a bat.
The world is a playground we frolic in,
Not caring nor knowing why we live… or die.
Between morning and noon is a different time,
When we begin to push away.
When we want to become our own person,
And we begin to live, not just breathe.
We see the world in a different time,
A time of doubt, a time of change.
When the rock and stick are things unknown,
And we find why we live... And die.
During the day, we become strong,
Becoming our own person at last.
Our entire existence now rides on our shoulders,
Kept alive by our will, and not another’s.
We see the world as an adult sees it.
The rock is a missile, the stick a club.
The world is no longer a playground,
but has turned into a battlefield.
Then night comes upon us,
And our lives become dependent once more.
Our existence now rides on other shoulders,
Just as it did once before.
We see the world as an elder,
Looking from a life of many years.
A rock is a rock and a stick a stick,
And nothing is like it was before.
We see things in a new light,
And the world a tale long past.
Of our lives tucked back in shadow,
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I really liked this poem. Great job. Suppose to be doing schoolwork, eh?
Yeaaah, most of my poetry back then came from that. xD
Thank youuu
You're welcome.
Its always the best thinking time for anything but school.
Hey Timmy!
I am going to try this for one of your stanzas, randomly chosen.
I must've been a little bit weird back then because I have liked all these poems and not bothered to review a single one of them O.o I guess it's time I correct this and review it right now!
What an intriguing message. In one poem you manage to take us from a child to an adult and then an elder, seeing the world through their eyes. And even though at each age we are being presented with the same image, they are seeing things slightly differently depending on what they perceive. I think I liked the adults viewpoint the least
One thing I noticed about your poetry is the tendency to write it as it is. Which is useful because it is clear and brings across your message perfectly as well! You've always got a story to tell and something as a symbol in there as well, this case being the rock and stick and how they see it. But one thing that would be nice to do once in your poetry is lean more on the poetic devices. Maybe make the meaning a little bit harder to decipher so the reader has to go look got it, and more importantly, think about it. Having the reader think about he poem is one way to make it more memorable
My version:
The night comes upon us, as dark as the coal
we light for a fire. To feed us with its warmth
and focus on the heat settling on others shoulders.
Just as it did once before.
As Timmy-tradition the last line is perfect. But there we put a simile, had a small bit of alliteration with the letter 'f' and managed to add a lot more symbolism in there. Yes, it is now harder to understand, but this is something you'd have to take a chance with. I advise you try and do it, if only once, to see what it's like, whether it's for you or not. It's really up to you.
So, this was short, but I didn't want to go through this stanza. I wanted to help you with the big picture, because this is then one of the things you can take with you when it comes to writing future poetry as well. ^.^
Deanie x
I missed this. >> Sowwwyyy.
And almost a year ago. xd
Well, um, thank you <3
Are you just randomly looking back on year old works?
Ew a year old review.
Hello again! *another wave*
I liked this poem, for the following reasons;
The rhythm was fine, I could find no fault with it. Each line ends on a natural break and scan well.
The message was amazing! I liked particularly the last "a rock is a rock, a stick is a stick", simply perfect!
You used one of my favorite poetic techniques, that is having an non rhyming poem ended by a final rhyming like.
I would however remove the ... ellipsis ... before the "and/or die", because in my opinion it ruins the flow to an extent.
Other than that, well done!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
thanks!
Hello TJ! Sis here for a review! I don't know if you're familiar with the way I review poems so here's a quick overview. Okay, so I'm going to start with a list of cons, then move on to the pros. From there I'll tell you my favorite part followed by overall thoughts. Let's go!
Cons:
1. I noticed that you switched on and off rhyming. Perhaps this was unintentional but for me, when you're reading a poem I like it to be rhyming all the way or not rhyming at all.
2. In the second stanza:
Having the three dots there before or die messed up the flow for me. Maybe you can find a way to say that differently.
Pros:
1. Amazing, as usual.
2. I loved the idea. It took a bit of thinking to work it out and I like that.
Favorite part:
This is a beautiful way to end this lovely poem! Amazing!
Overall, I think this is a wonderful piece. (Not that I expected it to be bad.) As usual, you incorporated it beautifully and helped it make sense. Great job! Keep writing and as always, keep smiling! See ya in the reviews and around the site!
-Sis
Thanks for your review! I will work on that!
No prob!
Hey there! Here to review this poem for you!
Let me know if you have any questions or comments! Keep writing.
So I really like the way you cover all of life in just this poem. And while that is something that's been done before, and I know I've read at least one poem comparing life to a day, the way that you do this is truly unique. I think my favorite thing was the way you carried the stick and stone through the piece, giving perspective from each stage of life and explaining how the perspectives change. I thought that was really neat. In fact, I liked that aspect of your poem so much that I think you should consider making the title something about the stick and stone rather than the day of life. It's just something that makes your poem stand out even more from other life poems.
One thing I think you could add, going with the stages compared to times during the day, is maybe add a teenager stage? It seems like in today's society the teenage years are a pretty big deal, when we don't see the world as a playground anymore, but we aren't quite adults, either. Maybe you could have noon and evening or something? Anyway, just a thought.
Also, the flow is a little bit forced in some lines, so maybe if you read this out loud to yourself a couple of times you could catch those lines and try to make them fit the rhythm a little bit more.
And I do think you could find even more imagery to add into this piece. Details and description can really help a poem stand out and make the reader be able to put themselves into the situation described in the poem.
Otherwise, I don't have anything to say. This was really good and I'm glad I decided to read it.
Thanks for your review! I will work on it!
Well, I did some editing, but I can't seem to get the formatting right!!
Better now?
Yes! I like the changes a lot!
Wow, this left me breathless. You have a knack for writing poetry with huge, powerful messages, and this one is no exception.
Nitpicks
(If I bold a word, that means that I feel it disrupts the flow of that stanza, and would be better off removed.)
*there's an extra space before the comma after missile, which I bet is a typo
*I have a feeling you meant to put the word "as" there but left it out by accident.
~~
My absolute favorite part is the last line. I think the only problem with this poem is that in some places it feels choppy. I'm not sure how to explain this, considering everyone has a different style and all, but just try shifting around syllables and commas and things until it feels smooth when read aloud.
I love the way you use simple words to carry dramatic images. Well done
Thanks for the review. Advice taken. I will edit it now.
Thanks for the review. Advice taken. I will edit it now.