Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I am a victim of ambition
Tailored by religion.
No! Not religion
Love still in its cradle.
I am born in the wrong time
A time where the romance
Of the subtle things that makes us human
Is scorned by the boredom of today’s lust.
Wait! How can one crafted by providence
Be born in the wrong time?
Please forgive my foolishness.
After all, that love is still in its cradle.
Where was I? Yes! Time.
I am clay created by a potter
To show beauty’s innocence
In a time where beauty is found
Between the legs of a woman.
So, I am born in the right time!
Time, time, time!
I have said that a lot.
Well don’t blame me
It’s still that love in its cradle.
I write not to hear your boring reviews
Filled with bigotry and hypocrisy.
Your useless attempt to edify each other. Pathetic!
No! I don’t want to hear your lectures
Of what you think is right or wrong.
What should be amended or not.
I am a depraved mind
Do not take offence.
Ok... It’s the end of the poem
It must be dramatic.
Let’s see what have got here
Ending:
If you find beauty in the breasts of desire
Then, you phony poets,
You must be the long lost sons
Of perdition.
Hey! Look around, I hear the demons await you
Somewhere in hell.
And the world comments....
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137,729 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
I would say indecision is a major theme of this work:
-thumbs up-
'Tailored by religion.
No! Not religion'
And it's very satirical which I like.
'Ending:
If you find beauty in the breasts of desire
Then, you phony poets,' - this shows just how distinctive your voice is and I love that.
This work is bold and brave and works for itself really well. I enjoyed reading this a lot.
I also love this: 'And the world comments...' as an ending line, because it made me think. And I still haven't decided what my mind is going to say about it yet.
Kudos.
Hello!
First impressions-this is a bit of a crazy poem, and I like it for that. At first I was slightly put of by the title, as I was afraid it would be rather moody, but I was glad at the outcome. Perhaps you could include something in the description to prevent further mistakes like this.
This really is very nice, and I enjoyed the humourous aspect, especially towards the end. However I think you could create a slightly more jaunty rhythm if you were to add a little more punctuation. (I feel a jaunty rhythm would be beneficial to the humour) for instance " Wait! How can one crafted by providence
Be born in the wrong time?" Would be "Wait! How can one, crafted by providence, be born in the wrong time?" Sorry if I got the meaning confused.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hello, Temi!
RachelLeeAnn here to review.
I'm kind of unsure where you stand morally here.. I got the feeling that this was from the perspective of a new Christian, but I could be wrong about that. However, I as a Christian can relate to several lines you've used.
I like this. It shows that it is so hard to remain "pure" in a culture and society that glorifies sexuality.
I have a couple nitpicks:
I feel like this stanza isn't completely necessary. Readers obviously know they're reading a poem, and that it's a dramatic one. We don't need to be told that.
Going along with this stanza here, I think it's a little distracting how our narrator keeps seeming to go off-topic, just rambling the thoughts filtering through his/her head.
These sentences here, and a couple others tend to do that:
Also, I was a little confused by the "love in the cradle" phrase. Does this mean a new love?
Overall, great theme. Great style, tone, etc. I love the poem.
Good job!
-Rae
Awesome!!!!!!
Tell them oooo!
OK, should I just comment or review, I don't know. Well crafted, perfect work in progress. You just taught me the best lesson ever, in a very twisted humorous way: talk, they will, listen, will you? It's your Choice. Love this!!!!!
Hey Temi!
I was drawn in by the title, and the theme is pretty good. It's an interesting way to look at the issues of today's romance. But then the actual execution of it is strange. Half of the poem is about the romance that's lost in lust, and the other half seems to be an attack on the reader.
"I am a victim of ambition / Tailored by religion. /No! Not religion"
The opening lines make it seem like you wanted to start the poem one way but changed your mind and forgot to scribble the first part out. It's not a bad technique, but to pull off that change of heart you need a bit more substance before it. Like with any literature, you need to hook the reader before you add the twist otherwise you're going to loose them.
"Time, time, time! / I have said that a lot."
This would be interesting in a reflective piece, but again you move on so swiftly that it seems more like you're trying to think of what to write next.
"I write not to hear your boring reviews / Filled with bigotry and hypocrisy. / Your useless attempt to edify each other. Pathetic!"
Remember that when you put something on paper, you're writing to an audience. This is a website that functions by reviewing and nurturing each other, so this is quite offensive to anyone who comes along with a genuine interest in your work. If you were to write a poem about a world abandoned by god, you wouldn't then go and read it in a church- that's just rude.
"Ok... It’s the end of the poem / It must be dramatic."
You don't need to tell this to your reader ;]
On the positive, I like some of the stuff in here. Like the way you described the distortion of beauty's innocence, with the clay, that was really effective. The idea of being born in the wrong time is good, too.
Overall I think maybe you should decide first on what subject and impression you want your poem to give before you write it; whether it's some beautiful imagery about a broken idea of romance, or whether it's an attitudic piece about the dislike of critique. The two don't fit too well together and rather than boosting each other, they kind of drown out the impact.