Young Writers Society

The ever so acclaimed Bloodink. I think I gave you one review before, but that one was, as I can remember, light hearted.
To start off, this is extremely dark. Now, I have an extremely dark sense of humor and this fits well. It has an enjoyable sense of humor. It is funny to see one's plans of murder. Im not that screwed up. The plot is priceless. You make the narrator takes this as all fun and games *Insert The Shining reference*
I seriously laughed out loud when I read this.
Overall, this is a great piece.
Strange gives you....
9.8/10
Great job
Stay groovy

This is truly a shocking poem, due to these points:
-It is written in red, the colour of passion and death.
-the last line leaves the reader whith a sense of disgust for the attitude.
-I don't understand why, but I liked the lack of punctuation in this piece.

However the line "But we'll escape from the roof." in my opinion doesn't scan too well. Mabey "get out through" rather than "escape from"?
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hey there, BloodInkSeesFootage,

wow, I seem to review a lot of your work, haha. That's what friends are for? I think we have that much in common. Anyway if i'm gonna do this review i better get to it.

This is really an exceptional piece, very very well written. I am always impressed with your work, but this sets a new amazing level.

However, I am slightly unimpressed by several things, which is a bit unusual for you

First off, in the very first line where you said "murder her money" did you mean 'murder for money' or even 'murder her for money'? It doesn't quite make sense the way you worded that...

Also this may be my mistake since i'm not exactly sure if it is correct as you have it but should it be "sever" like you have or should it read "severe"? again, i'm thinking this could be my mistake.

In the second stanza, I loved the Jack the Ripper reference! Very good incorporation with that.

But, in that section, i think you meant "i'm in on it on a dare" maybe? that line was fairly confusing.

the description in stanza four is wonderful. almost like i could see the girl from the few words you used to describe her. Blonde hair, blue eyes, ivory skin, and expensive fancy clothing. Very beautiful description for a very beautiful girl. Down to her attitude, "Daddy's little bitch" Language like that is sometimes frowned upon but you made it work very well.

In the fifth stanza you used onamatapoeia, and it too turned out very well. I could clearly hear the shots in my head. You also used "whilst" in this stanza, and old-english words like that can be hard to incorporate but they add such nice flair to your work, so good job there. Although, "daddy's" in that last line should have been capitalized.

The last stanza is probably my favorite. I loved how you commented how she was still pretty, even as a corpse. but the next line "this look almost funny" doesn't really make sense, maybe substitute 'they' for 'this' i love the last two lines of the poem and the meaning behind it. because if all you wanted was the money, and the girl was pretty, you got what you wanted, right? so forget her. ahh, such sad lines. Maybe should have kept her alive, after all, I'd rather marry for money, than murder for money.

congrats, keep writing!

---Cam

Hey there! I'm here to review your poem. So let's get started!

Comments

We're gonna murder her money

I'm it in on a dare

Bang bang, knock, knock

Her head's now vermillion

She makes a pretty corpse

This look almost funny

Now it doesn't matter

We're only in this for the money