Young Writers Society

Ta. Wrote this as I was listening to Love Letter to Japan, from the Bird and the Bee. You'll see their influence.


To Buddha Land,

I hold a white canvas high above my head in hopes of flying over eastern seas,
until the wind carries me abroad to Buddha land of candy floss clouds and blossom trees.
_______________________A blank canvas ticket to deserted Keys,
________________________________________where toothless wide smiles are guaranteed.

Not a wonder my hands cling tight, knuckle-sharp, and my shoelaces dangle free
because in flight I cannot stumble, so I can make my own pictures with ease:
_______________________devoid of shadows, and plump Buddha babies
_________________________________________recurring like memories.

Much love for your taste: the yellow tang of marmalade pulp between your teeth
and voice, a ripple wheeze, like the high-hum and deep buzz of bees,
_______________________are the first thing on my mind for when we finally reconvene
_________________________________________west to east, like the rising sun, I too, will come for the deceased.

Audy.

You're most certainly not a bother, and I am more than glad to take a look at this as I was just searching for something to review!

Well, I listened to the song of course (spunky by the way) and I can definitely see your influence. Especially in the way you set the rhythm. I rather liked that about this piece. To get a little more constructive though, I can't say I'm as big a fan of the strung out message. I'm still unsure of any solid substance this holds. It's imaginative and the imagery is quite attractive to the eye, but when I think about it in whole, what is this truly in essence?

Perhaps I missed something, but your messages seem to intertwine too closely together for me to find them cohesive. The first stanza had me set in motion, and the second tossed me a bit quicker into a state where I became unsure of what meaning behind the words you were concentrating most. By the end, I was still left half-wondering. If it weren't for the delicate images you paint this piece with, I might'nt have been as impressed.

Despite this, I do think you have something here very worth being proud of indeed! I enjoy reading poetry of this style simply for its perceptive qualities. It's already something pretty, now make it shine with the brighter message it deserves. Give it some more purpose. It's there but just barely there. Align things a little more perhaps. that's the most constructive thing I have to say about it.

Hope this helps!

-Smylin'

Hullo!

First off, I'll just say that I do so love how flighty this poem feels, since you use a lovely mix of relatively unrelated nouns in it. It adds a colourful, dreamy feel.

I did have a few issues with understanding the direct message/meanind of the poem, partially because of it's spunkiness, but maybe I just need to read more poetry.

Thank yeh for sharing

-Laminated

Hey hey! Okay so I love some of the imagery in this, I just wanted to say that before I got started on ripping holes in it. As there's a lot I feel you're lacking too, but it's worth salvaging for some of those phrases. Shall we start with a few specifics?

To Buddha Land,

I'm not sure about starting with this line since it's already your title and the poem isn't very letter format. I think you should just go straight into the poem to be honest.

I hold a white canvas high above my head in hopes of flying over eastern seas,

Maybe I'm an idiot but I read canvas and thought of an artists' canvas. I realise now that you probably meant a canvas sheet, held like a sail to catch the wind, but the first couple of times I read this, I was thinking of someone standing and holding a miniature bilboard, maybe with some sort of message on for the receiver. Clarify perhaps?

until the wind carries me abroad to Buddha land of candy floss clouds and blossom trees.

This is a pretty image but also a typical one! I think you could have picked out more interesting background. That or expand the imagery or describe them in a new way. Do the blossom trees dance like skeletons? Do the candy floss clouds look like rabbits hopping in and out of each other?

The next set of lines have a nice half rhyme and the dark imagery is a good contrast to the beginning so nice work there.

because in flight I cannot stumble, so I can make my own pictures with ease:

I'm not sure about this line? I think perhaps you've forced it a bit to meet the rhyme that's coming up. I like the idea that flying might make one graceful since they can't stumble, but the making pictures with ease? You've lost me there. I really don't know how that relates to any of the rest of the poem or quite what's going on.

The two lines after that are a little bland too. I think the second stanza in general could use more direction.

Much love for your taste: the yellow tang of marmalade pulp between your teeth

I like marmalade pulp, but the start of this line is fragmented and I don't think that works. It's tricky as you're going from some pretty solid images to others that are more disconnected. Or closer somehow. Like you've zoomed in on the image before telling us what we're looking at.

The last two lines are great. You have a solid meaning to close the poem with and there's a lovely half rhyme with reconvene and deceased.

Alright then! So I think the trouble is that it's not clear until the end what the poem's about and even then it's a little tricky. This is mostly guess work, but I'm thinking the themes are death and after-life. Being re-born. I'm not entirely sure as it seems at first like it will be someone carrying their love across the world, very much like in the sun, but then it takes a turn for the darker side. Except the two parts aren't inter-woven so it feels like they're running parallel with one another; light lines and then dark lines. Light and then dark. That fits very nicely with the East to West, but I think you're losing the meaning and clarity too much by playing with imagery and fragmentation? Or maybe I'm just missing something entirely.

I don't know! Hopefully this will help you though and you can at least see what your poem provokes in a reader,

Heather xxx