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Citrus [working title]



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Fri May 12, 2006 9:37 am
tinny says...



Enary. Lime had grown up in the city all his life. From what he’d been taught in his few years at school he knew that there were other towns and cities, though on the continent Enary was the largest and most productive of them all. And it was his home. Deep in his heart, Lime believed that he would never leave this place, that there was nowhere else that could ever compare. He loved every part of Enary.

The way that the royal palace that sat upon its own private ledge and shone whiter than any other thing in the entire city. Its pale marbled walls and pillars only dulling later in the evening after the factories had been working at their fullest. Once Lime had been to watch them clean it. An army of servants scrubbing and polishing away the dirt that had collected during the day. Soapy foam drifting over the concrete yard, catching on the iron-wrought sculptures that proudly stood there.
He admired the factories. The life force of Enary. Lime knew that without them the city would never be able to support itself. Most people old enough worked there. Enough to mean that they never had to close, a constant stream of people flowing in and out. In a few months Lime would start working in them. He knew that. For there was no other real source of income in Enary, not unless you were one of the rich folk with connections top the crown.

But the thing Lime loved most about Enary was always there, always surrounding him, always comforting him. The city walls. Ever since he was small they had captivated him. They were so high, it was often said that for Enary the sun set a whole two hours earlier than anywhere else on the continent. When he was still very young Lime had believed that they were so tall that they reached the sky itself, and that if you somehow managed to climb up you could blow the smoky clouds around. He had felt crushed when he’d seen people walking along its rim. Guards with guns. Protecting Enary from fourpaws and the dangers that always followed them.

There were more guards along the rim now than there ever had been Lime noted, watching them warily as he made his way to his sister’s school. And more guards could only mean that there were more fourpaws on the prowl. He didn’t dare even to dream what they did once they got their claws around a person, no doubt something horrific. Swinging open the rusted school gate he tried to shake the thought away. It wouldn’t do his sister any good if she came out and saw him shaken like this.

Despite the fact that Kelca was full five years older than her brother, Lime had gone through all his schooling before she had even begun. He had never managed to get his head round the system that deemed boys must be educated before girls. It was this system that meant it was eighteen year-old Kelca’s first day of school. Lime had promised her that he would meet her outside the school as soon as her day was over; it had been the only way he’d managed to persuade her to go in the first place. She’d been fretting over this day for weeks now, and that very morning she’d managed to make herself sick with worry.

In the schoolyard were parents waiting for their own children. They huddled together in small groups of people they knew, much like the students that would have been there but a few hours earlier. Looking around, Lime realised that he didn’t know anyone else there, and that there weren’t any other people his age here. A few of the adults gave him dark looks. As if to ask why he wasn’t out working in the factories like every healthy man should.

Within the decaying brick walls, Lime heard a chime ring. Signaling to pupils and teachers that the day was now over and they could leave. Little by little, young women, all around the same age as Kelca, began to filter out through the school doors. He craned his head around, trying to spot his sister amongst the uniform clad girls. They all met their parents and left, leaving Lime standing in the yard all alone. Then he saw a brown haired head peer out around the door and grin sheepishly. She smiled and waved to him, slowly tiptoeing her way down the steps.

“Did you have a nice day?” Kelca nodded slightly “What happened to your dress?” Lime asked. Kelca was wearing her uniform, a simple gray dress that went down just below her knees with a black bow tied around her midriff. Today was the first time she’d worn it properly, and it had been fine when she had left for school. Yet there now was a large gash on the dress that hung near her hip, damp with the colour of blood.

“Oh,” Her face flushed red, “well that was why I was late out, they were cleaning it up for me.”

“That still doesn’t explain why it’s torn and bloody.” He said as he closed the gates behind him. She silently stared at her feet as they walked back home. “Oh come on Kelca, it can’t have been that bad.” He chuckled. She looked up at him slowly, her lower lip quivering slightly.

“Well,” she began, “we were doing some co-ordination tests, you know, the kind where you walk around. And well, I tripped over and fell onto the stuffed fourpaw. It was small, and dead, and it still managed to hurt me.” She shuddered.

“I guess just because they aren’t alive anymore doesn’t mean that they still aren’t dangerous.” Lime sighed, and then wished he hadn’t as Kelca’s face drooped sadly. “But hey!” He grinned, “You still survived your first day at school, so I think that means you get to choose what we eat tonight!”

By the time they got home, Kelca had cheered up no end. She skipped along carrying a small tub of her favorite food – soup. Their house was somewhat small and draughty, but it was solid, dry and always kept the rain out, and that was what really mattered. Lime fished the key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, letting Kelca go in first. Yet there was something disturbing that caught his eye. On the slab of stone that lay in front of the door, amongst all the wet shoe marks, was a perfectly formed paw print. Fear gripped him in the stomach and he smeared the shape away with his foot before stepping inside and locking the door behind him.


With the fire roaring brightly in the stove, Lime sipped up the last of his nourishing soup and slipped his bowl into the sink. Kelca pulled her blanket tighter around herself, curling up in its wooly warmth, the flames of the fire reflecting in her soft hazel eyes. Lime watched her quietly as she chewed on the end of her thumb. She had been like this for three years now, ever since their mother had been killed in an ‘accident’ whilst she was working in the one of the factories
But the incident had had a dramatic effect on Kelca. Their father disappeared soon after Lime had been born, he’d stuck around long enough to name his son, but that was about it. So Kelca, being the oldest living relative, had been the one that had to go and identify what remained of her mother’s broken body. They were too poor to afford her a piece of land for a grave so she had been carted off. Neither of them were ever told what happened to the body of Leins Lensguard.



Rays of light shone onto Lime’s face, rousing him from his blissful slumber. He yawned and sat up, rubbing away the sleep that had collected in the corners of his eyes. No sign of Kelca, he guessed that she’d already headed out to school no doubt a lot calmer than yesterday. Lime threw off his blankets and shivered as the cold air wrapped around his frail body. He rubbed his eyes again and sleepily staggered over to the table.

There was a bowl with a little of last nights left over soup and a small pile of neatly folded clothes. There were still a few trails of thread mazing around on the table, Lime scooped them up into a small pile for Kelca to reuse. As neither of them were able to work yet, they made ends meet by selling clothes. Kelca was deft with a needle, a skill that Leins had taught her whilst Lime was still a baby. And after she had made them, Lime would go door to door asking if anyone would like to buy any.

Lime swallowed his soup in one gulp and licked out the last few drops, then let the bowl slip out of his fingers and roll onto the floor. He was too tired to concentrate on anything; Lime had never really been an early morning person. He packed the clothes into his satchel and balanced it against a table leg as he pulled his boots on; key in hand he opened the front door
and kicked it shut behind him.

There was a jangle when Lime’s keys hit the floor. Terror seized him again; sheer panic rousing him from his walking slumber. There were more paw prints, countless wet marks and muddy imprints. They were all half formed, smudged and smeared, none had the sharp shape or clarity of the single one he’d seen yesterday, no wonder there were more guards on the patrol. Lime picked up his keys, locked the door and slung the satchel over his shoulder. This was going too fat, it wasn’t safe, and he and Kelca were in danger. Lime stared at the mass of prints for a while longer before deciding to go and do something about it.

The city’s guards were also the city’s police force. The barracks reception was a cluttered place. Aged posters pinned to the dusty walls, piles of stamped and signed papers and documents stacked up in the corners.

“Look I’m sorry kid, but it’s probably just some cruel prank.” The guard told him, eyes never leaving the paperwork he was filling in.

“But why would anyone do that?” Lime asked, leaning. Creeping up onto his tiptoes so that he could see what was on top of the counter.

“Well it can’t be the real thing,” the guard replied, becoming irritable, “because I’ve been stuck here at reception for the past eighteen months, and I’ve never seen a single report about a wall crossing pass though my hands.” He leaned forward, so close that Lime could smell the faint scent of smoking weed that clung to his breath. “And I promise you kid, all forms would pass through this here reception. So if you don’t have anymore business I suggest you beat it before I crack out a gun.” Lime wasn’t happy with the answer, but with many of the guards having very short tempers and few morals, he muttered something about cleaning tea towels and left in an even worse state of mind than when he’d come in the first place.


As he left the barracks, the sun was beginning to rise high to the centre of the sky. The brightly coloured market stalls would be opening and Kelca would be outside in the schoolyard with all her classmates. Lime decided that he may as well waste the rest of the day since he’d already squandered the morning. At the moment going back to his nice warm bed and catching up on some sleep seemed like the best idea. He turned onto his street and for the second time in the space of a few hours, he was frozen with fear. Sitting in front if his house, staring at his door, tail twitching irritably, was a large, slender, amber eyed, spotted fourpaw. Lime racked his brains trying to think what he should do, he knew that fourpaws had exceptional hearing, but this one didn’t seem to have noticed him. He shuffled backwards, eyes fixated on it when he felt something push him back forwards.

“I wouldn’t try that if I were you.” It said darkly, another one seemingly identical to the other except for the long pink scar that reached from above his eye to the corner of his mouth. “Saleh! He’s over here!” it called to the other. It’s eyes slowly slid to the side and met Lime’s, body twisting so that it was facing him, it began to pad over to the fear filed boy.
“Are you sure that’s him?” she asked dryly, “Last time you said that Lenard, I ended up with a bullet through my tail.” They were both much larger than Lime had expected, shoulders about the same level as his elbows, though the one named Saleh was even bigger.

“C’mon, he looks like Iko doesn’t he, he has the same coloured eyes.”

“And I sure murky grey is really unusual.”

“But he does, he really does look like Iko. You can’t deny it.” Saleh pulled herself up onto her hind legs and surveyed Lime’s face.

“It’s true, there is a resemblance, a similarity.” She went back down onto all four paws and began to pace around him, tail twitching in his face.

“What are you going to do with me?” Lime asked quietly. Lenard opened his mouth to speak, but Saleh glared at him and he closed it again.

“What do you mean? If you thought we were going to do anything why didn’t you run away?”

“Fourpaws can outrun anything.” He said, staring at his feet to avoid the gaze of those bright amber eyes.

“At least they’ve started teaching them something!” Lenard snorted, “Not like those ignorant fools that just run off screaming and swearing.” Saleh batted him on the head with a paw.

“Do you want him running off screaming and swearing?” He muttered a reply that sounded a lot like ‘course not’ before his ears pricked upwards, Saleh’s did the same. They both stared off at some distant point along the street. Lime hoped that he could sneak off during the distracted silence, a smile twisted onto his face as it was broken as the sounds of gunshot ricochet towards them; the guards were coming to save him, he could see the olive grey smudges of their uniforms. Yet his face fell flat, something narrowly missed his ear and shattered into the building behind him.

“They’re going to shoot at you as much as they are at us.” Saleh said quietly, her eyes never moving “God knows why. But I suppose it means that if you don’t want to become a bloody mess-“ She paused and nudged the terrified Lime to one side as a flurry of bullets hit the air, “-I suggest you come with us.”

“But what are yo-“

“Questions can wait!” she snapped, “You wouldn’t believe any of the answers anyway.” Tearing her eyes away from the guards that were rapidly approaching, she turned around, “Get on. But if you pull my ears I’ll throw you off and let your skull crack open on the floor.” Lime did as he was bid, though the whole time he felt he was walking into a death trap, it just seemed like a better option than if he didn’t. “Be thankful boy!” Saleh cried out over the roar of guns that grew louder and louder, “There’s not many folk alive that can say they’ve ridden on cheetah back!”


Lime tried to keep track of where they were in the city but the pair ran over rooftops and down side streets that he’d never known existed, they seemed to know the city better than anyone else he’d ever known. The wind whipped past his ears and pulled himself closer to the fourpaw’s back. The buildings they were passing all began to blur into a single grey roofed mess. They slowed down and when Lime opened his eyes he saw that they were at the base of the wall, at one of the many stairwells that corkscrewed up onto the rim.

“Let me off!” He cried, wondering why he’d done this in the first place. Saleh didn’t reply, she leapt over the railing and began to dart up the steps, Lenard following her close behind. Lime looked out at the city from his point above it, the palace still seemed as beautiful as ever, sitting on its lone ledge that jutted out from the wall and permanently shadowed the chunk of the city that lay beneath it.

“I’ll miss it when I’m dead.” He said sadly to himself.

“Well today ain't the day you’re gonna die!” Lenard called out from behind him. Lime sighed quietly and looked up at the wall with mild surprise.

He’d never seen what the rim of the wall was like before, only ever seeing the olive grey shapes drifting across it like absent minded ghosts. It was about as wide as a road, and he’d never even heard about the huge railings that prevented people from falling into the Enary, or those smaller ones that lined the edge that dropped into the outside. They were coated in something that reflected the colour of the sky and the bright sun above them. Looking ahead he could see that the steps ran up to a gap in the railings, one that was beginning to attract the attention of the guard

Saleh swore under her breath and put all her might into running faster so that she could clear them. But it wasn’t enough. As soon as she erupted from the stairs, the butt of a gun cracked against the side of her face sending her to the floor, Lime fell off and tumbled along, grabbing a rail to stop himself. Before he could catch his breath back, Saleh was already on her paws again, though he couldn’t see where Lenard was amongst the crowd. Lime pulled himself back onto his feet and leaned against the shorter railings, rubbing his bruised arm. What would he do now? As far as he could see there weren’t anymore guards behind him, and the others were preoccupied with the fourpaws. Saleh pulled herself away from the riot and ran towards Lime, she leapt up, twisted, and pushed him with every ounce of strength she could muster. Lime felt his grip of the rails slip and stared into Saleh’s tired amber eyes in disbelief as he felt himself fall. Outside of Enary.

((O_o I know there are a few stupid mistakes in there, I'd circled them all out on a printed copy but my pal Frank swiped it....))
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Mon May 15, 2006 12:20 am
Jiggity says...



Okay. This is very well written, exceedingly so in fact. There are a cople of stupid mistakes, as you've already pointed out. The length of this is kinda daunting, but once you get into it, it's quite good. Had me hooked. So, congratulations on writing a fanatasic piece, an industrial city guarding against talking cheetah's--it's unusual and in fantasy writing, thats the highest accolade, the most wanted achievement to make.

Now, to the mistakes:

The way that the royal palace that sat upon its own private ledge and shone whiter than any other thing in the entire city.


What the??

rich folk with connections top the crown


to

beginning to attract the attention of the guard


Full stop.

There are other mistakes, small, but there nonetheless. Otherwise; I liked this and am awaiting the next piece.Although, the title does seem weird, calling it Enary, would seem to be more appropriate. This is the first chapter?
Cheers,
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

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Fri May 19, 2006 9:13 am
tinny says...



It's only called Citrus because that's what it's saved as, I havn't really given much thought into a title yet...
But I suppose it is the first chapter. I'm not very good at sorting things out into sections like that, but it seems to work... hmmm...

More will come once my exams are over and done with.
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Mon Dec 18, 2006 11:55 am
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
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*

Lime had grown up in the city all his life.


A little awkward at first, I think you meant he had lived there all his life rather than ‘grown up’.

The way that the royal palace that sat upon its own private ledge and shone whiter than any other thing in the entire city.


Like Jig, I was a little confused here. Did you mean he loved how the palace stood apart from other buildings, etc?

Its pale marbled walls and pillars only dulling later in the evening after the factories had been working at their fullest. Once Lime had been to watch them clean it. An army of servants scrubbing and polishing away the dirt that had collected during the day. Soapy foam drifting over the concrete yard, catching on the iron-wrought sculptures that proudly stood there.


I can’t explain it but I loved this, I can just about image the bubbly foam and the servants working away.

There was a jangle when Lime’s keys hit the floor.


‘floor’ would be ‘ground’ as he is outside his house.

This was going too fat, it wasn’t safe, and he and Kelca were in danger.


‘fat’ = far

The [s]city’s[/s] guards were also the city’s police force.


^^^ Consider taking out the first ‘city’s’.

He shuffled backwards, eyes fixated on it when he felt something push him back forwards.


Back or forwards, pick one.

It’s eyes slowly slid to the side and met Lime’s, body twisting so that it was facing him, it began to pad over to the fear filed boy.


‘fear filed’ = fear-filled/fearful?

“And I sure murky grey is really unusual.”


What does that mean?

Saleh said quietly, her eyes never moving, “God knows why. But I suppose it means that if you don’t want to become a bloody mess-“ (wrong speech mark) She paused and nudged the terrified Lime to one side as a flurry of bullets hit the air, “-I suggest you come with us.”


^^^ See quote.

“But what are yo-


Again, wrong speech mark.

I read this from beginning to end with pleasure, and I love the whole cheetahs against Man plus they talk (which is even better)!

I found it was really easy to get into the story and the world of Enary, the factories and girls having to start school late.

1) Characters

Lime – I usually like the main characters, here I did too. Although he is younger than his sister, Kelca, he seems to be the one taking care of her—he worries about her cut—and that was a little odd but it is realistic as I’ve known people to be like that.

Kelca – Her behaviour is like a child’s probably because she looked after her brother from an early age or maybe the loss of her mother (perhaps seeing her dead body?) is the cause of this.

Saleh/Lenard – I already like these two without really knowing much about them—Saleh shows responsibility while Lenard appears to make jokes out of the humans. I would have liked for you to have given an impression of what the voices sounded like, was it human-like or a mix of growl-speech?

2) Dialogue

The conversation between Lime and Kelca is, in part, what people would say to one another so it is perfectly normal and shows up their relationship—Lime asking after his sister, Kelca a little conscious of what happened on her first day.

Then, with the cheetahs arrival, it is a little more mystifying as we don’t know why Saleh and Lenard are interested in Lime (though they do mention a similarity between him and someone) which rouses my curiosity.

3) Description

As I mentioned in the earlier paragraphs, I loved the description of the palace but it was very minimal and I can’t really see much of the city as, I think, it was just grey. You could have added a little detail to what the streets looked like, were they wide or narrow?

And Lime and Kelca didn’t get much either, I remember Kelca has hazel eyes and that is about it. This is something you can work on during this part or in the next chapter (if you happen to be still working on this piece).

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Mon Dec 18, 2006 12:23 pm
tinny says...



Wrong speech marks are the current bane of my life, our version of MS word at home is set on 'autocorrect smart quotes', and if you put a dash or a hyphen before the ending mark it always puts the wrong one. I only realised this the other day so I'll have to remember to fix that up in things I've already written.

The way that the royal palace that sat upon its own private ledge and shone whiter than any other thing in the entire city.

Like Jig, I was a little confused here. Did you mean he loved how the palace stood apart from other buildings, etc?


I hate the palace -_-" It's kinda like Enary is in a tube, and there's a ledge sticking out of one of the walls above the rest of the city and the palace sits on that. I can see it in my head but can't seem to put it down on paper. Lime likes the palace because it's the only clean thing around. I should probably mention that... Hmm...

I'll have a sort out of this over chirstmas.

Thankyou! *brings cookies and fruit juice*
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