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Cat Steps (1.1)



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Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:52 pm
Rosendorn says...



Direct Continuation of 1.0

~

Aryan was watching from the sidelines. “And you wonder why nobody wants to spar with you, Cat.”

I chuckled, in part from his comment, but mostly from how light I felt without the extra energy. I could fully control my emotions, now. “You’re just scared to get a few bruises.”

He raised an eyebrow. “More like a few broken bones. Phoenix be damned, how do you do that?”

“Just a little willpower mixed with emotions in the punch,” I said, still smiling. He might be a decent passive mage, but his offensive ability was severely lacking.

He just shook his head. “You’ve gotten more powerful.”

I paused finger-combing straw out of my hair for a moment. I was afraid of that… But before he could catch on I’d paused, I simply shrugged. “Magic just grows. No other way to put it.” So long as my control grows with it, I’ll be fine.

Not wanting to linger on this topic for much longer, I turned around and began jogging to back into the palace.

“Where’re you going?”

I turned around and slowed to a walk. “Ranya’s rooms!”

He shrugged and walked in the other direction, knowing his place was just outside the inner rooms.

Pain began permeating my fisted hand as I trotted to her rooms. I’d put all my force and most of my magic into that single punch— I hadn’t done that in a long time. I hadn’t needed to. Releasing magic so completely was a last resort for working through emotions.

And I hadn’t been able to explode a punching dummy the last time.

Lais would’ve said it’s normal and so long as I could still control my powers normally, the odd outburst was to be expected and not feared.

You’ve only had your powers seven years, I told myself. You can’t expect stability until you’re twenty, at least.

I’d heard rumours of twenty-five. Which meant another five to ten years of possible sudden growth spurts in my magic.

I tried not to grumble every time I thought of that.

Thinking did lead me right to the hall in front of Ranya’s rooms. I’d picked up her stress from about thirty feet out— thanks to being connected by blood, I could sense her emotions more easily. It did mean I had more energy to feel. I would have to, this time.

Her magic responded to my presence; a small amount of joy, like always, with a prompting to come. But that was as far as her magic went. She’d had less training than I did, even though she was three years older. According to our parents, women who would eventually live at the palace had no place learning magic. And without training, she’d never have to worry about her magic getting too powerful. Which was exactly what the most powerful men in the country wanted: somebody who needed protection.

I clenched my now-bruised hand. Any excuse to drive my magic inward and direct it away from a tidal wave of grief about to overwhelm me, even though a single bruise was nothing new. The control required to heal my bruise faster calmed me down again.

I was supposed to be the one protecting her. But a noblewoman mage good enough to track a poison back to its source had no place in the palace. That’s what men were for, there.

Ranya’s door was already open as she shooed the last servant out— for now. She’d been organizing for this move for a solid month. Every item of her life had to be put away, from mementos to her sketching and poetry to spare bedsheets. Some of it was already sent, so her rooms would be ready when she arrived, travel-weary, at the palace.

I’d managed to avoid any packing rush by insisting on traveling with most of my possessions. As I began guessing about where I’d end up, it had helped keep Ranya calm about why I wasn’t packing. But I couldn’t keep her calm anymore.

“Thank the Phoenix you’re here,” she said, pushing her dark hair back. “I need to sort away more of my wardrobe to be sent early, so I don’t get asked about what goes in which shipment again!”

I chuckled. My sister’s wardrobe, including shoes, scarves and jewelry, would need a closet the size of some farm houses in the palace. “Want some help?”

Her smile was the only answer I needed. I’d miss it most.

“I’m sure you’ll love it at the palace,” I said. It was just willpower keeping my voice even. Monotone. “You’ll be a wonderful empress and mother some day.”

She was looking at a table covered with jewels and scarves from her closet. Mostly rubies set in gold, to show she was still Shira, with the scarves being of various weights. She’d need a minimum amount of both for travel, but what defined ‘minimum amount’ was very flexible when she’d be traveling from the mountains to Central Kemmer. The heat would steadily increase, with no prediction as to how she’d react. And what would be needed immediately upon arrival at the palace still needed to be predicted. I could help keep her balanced a little, or at least try, if I were there, but…

“Thank you,” she said almost as an afterthought. “And you’ll—” Ranya cut herself off as I let the ward around my sadness slip. I couldn’t hide it anymore.

It was easier to keep my back to her. “I talked to Mother and Father just now. You know how our family can be, each branch wanting more power. How difficult it is to protect against them.” I quirked a bit of a smile; we both knew why I was so good at tracking magic. “They… want me to stay here. Protect those near Father. You— you’ll be well protected at the palace. And on the trip. I’d be useless.”

“No,” she whispered, coming up. Her grip on my shoulders was almost tight enough to hurt. I tensed my muscles to try and loosen her grip, only to have her squeeze more. “No, no no. They can’t. Cat, look at me.”

I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I had to relax to speak. Her nails were starting to dig in. “What’s the point if all you’ll see is tears?”

She forced my head up, knowing full well I’d reflexively open my eyes. Letting her search them. My old teacher had taught me the importance of keeping eye contact, because it was easier to find intention with open eyes. Blurry vision was better than none.

My throat tightened. I’d already lost him to the capital city. Now I was about to lose her.

She shook her head, still not breaking eye contact. “It’s just a ten day ride. You’d be able to come. Not often, but sometimes.”

‘Just’ a ten day ride? I wanted to snap back. But I couldn’t. There was hope burning within her, helping to muffle the cracked shock both of us felt, that our family would calm down for long enough to allow me some time away so I could visit. I latched onto that feeling, absorbing it into my own emotions. I doubted she’d be able to visit her family. Once she was married, the Tijals would be her family. Not us. Not me.

She hugged me, but there was no warmth in the movement. Tears began to run down my temple as the corner of her eye pressed against my forehead. I hugged her back, the same coldness in my movements.

Her magic opened itself to mine in its entirety— she’d always had the strongest wards of all our family, making her the easiest to be around— reforming the whirlpool of grief in my chest that was only bearable because of her arms around me and our shared emotions. This. This was the closest I could ever be to anybody, with no wards between our blood-tied emotions and only physical touch keeping either of us from losing ourselves completely.

While my mind processed everything it could, I just focused on remembering her. From her magic to her smell to the way she always managed to be a bit taller than me and let me rest my head against her shoulder so I could burry my face in her hair.

Servants came back into the room. They didn’t even need a command to leave us alone.

Spoiler! :
Hopefully things are a touch clearer now. Still not sure about the training, as I'm still considering cutting it. Now that you've seen the whole scene, is it better?
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:59 am
Soulkana says...



Hey Rosey. I have to say I liked this. I was a bit confused but maybe that's because I haven't read anything else in the story or so. I couldn't find anything wrong with the grammar or the spelling. This really intrigues me and I hope to read more of this soon. I loved the emotions you showed and the setting. It was amazing. I can't find anything wrong really in my mind that should be fixed here. Good luck and keep up the good work!
Soulkana<3
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:09 am
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Dreamwalker says...



You have succeeded, Rosey.

And what did you succeed in? Well, I'll tell you. I read this without thinking about the critique at the end. I read this without really thinking about the structure nor the way in which it 'should' be, but more on the lines of simply getting lost in it. That being said, I don't suspect I can really critique you on structure at all this time around. I would have to reread it a couple times to find itty-bitty mistakes but nothing that would really make much of a difference. It was all, respectfully, quite neat and precise.

What I like about you and your writing is the patience. The way in which you can hold onto a certain aspect and expand rather than simply running through the motions. That's what makes you a fantastic first person narrative, and a believable one at that. Its all so precise.

And magic. Now I get it. I think the fighting scene helped, in a sense. It wasn't the greatest way of getting across the idea, but it definitely did so effectually and enough that I couldn't exactly tell you to cut it. Its important so, until you can find a replacement idea for it instead, I would urge you to keep it, or work on it to make it a little less confusing in the beginning. Of course, again this is all mere speculation so you'll have to take this advice with a grain of salt.

I think, what I most liked about this was that you brought back the scene with Ranya. That was my favorite part of the original, so to have it backs seems almost nostalgic, which I adore immensely. I like the idea of Ranya, mostly. The fact that she seems to be so mature and so... different than Kerani. It gives a lovely contrast in which I think is rather important to this story and the growth within it.

Now, I think the only thing that could really be worked on as a whole would be setting descriptions, or lack there of. You are flowery and interesting when it comes to scarves or the magic system, but we don't really get any good descriptions of how the character's look, or what Ranya's room looks like. These things will help us get a good image of what we're trying to see and understand. And it will set a tone or a mood, just like the scarves helped set up for a more refined mood. Its all in the way you play these things across. Adding setting description can be chunky, but most of the time its an added necessity.

Other than that, this is pretty much the review I'm sure you were expecting first and foremost. The 'I'm going to praise you to death' sort of review. If you want, I could come back later and give a line by line, but I feel that that wouldn't really show how much I liked this chapter. And it was a very, very good chapter.

Keep writing. I'll be waiting ;D

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:15 am
HomelessPorcupine says...



'Ello Rosey! I like the story you have going on here, though parts of it are confusing. I think that my favorite thing about your writing is the relationships between your characters! I was surprised at how much I could feel for both of them in such a short period of time! I mean, I wasn't sobbing my eyes out because of the sadness, but I could tell that they are ALIVE. So anyway, on to the meat of the review:

I paused finger-combing straw out of my hair for a moment. I was afraid of that… But before he could catch on I’d paused, I simply shrugged.


So funny thing: The first time I read the first sentence, I thought that it said "I paused finger-coming straw out of my hand for a moment." I thought that the mc was magically conjuring straw. Haha on to the second sentence: I knew what you meant, but this can potentially be take in one of two ways: either she had paused before he caught on, or he didn't catch on that she had paused. Do you see the difference? Message me if I'm not being clear enough, because I have a feeling that I'm not and I can't think of how to be clearer with it at the moment. :P

Not wanting to linger on this topic for much longer, I turned around and began trotting to back to the palace.


If you say 'into', it makes me imagine that she is right next to the palace. Like, right next to it. So she can get into it in a couple of steps. I don't think that that is what you mean, so I would change it to 'to'.

I clenched my now-bruised hand; Any excuse to drive my magic inward and direct it away from a tidal wave of grief about to overwhelm me, even though a single bruise was nothing new.


I added a semicolon here because I can find no clear subject in the second sentence. I honestly can't even find a subject that would make any sense. If you don't like the semicolon, then consider adding in a clear subject.

I’d miss it most.


So you can probably get by pretty well with this sentence, but it isn't clear on whether or not she's saying that "I'd would miss it most" or "I'd miss it most." With the previous sentences, the correct answer is pretty obvious. If you wanted to clean it up and make it more clear though, I think that that would be more of a benefit.

“Thank you,” she said almost as an afterthought.


I think that when you put qualifiers like "almost" in sentences, it sort of devalues it. It's almost like the reader subconsciously thinks "Well the author couldn't describe it any better, so he/she had to put something general in there." It could be just me, but it's something that I usually try to watch out for when I'm writing.

My throat tightened. I’d already lost him to the capital city. Now I was about to lose her.


This was the first time I realized what was going on! I read that and I was like BOOM! The case has been solved! Anyway, I think that you left the reader in the dark long enough that things started becoming confusing instead of just suspenseful. Maybe you could make it known a bit earlier in the piece? Once again, it could have just been my brain malfunctioning.

There was hope burning within her, helping to muffle the cracked shock both of us felt, that our family would calm down for long enough to allow me some time away so I could visit.


This sentence just seems way too long. Try breaking it up or just taking out unnecessary words.

While my mind proceeded everything it could, I just focused on remembering her.


I don't understand what you're saying. Her mind is proceeding with what? A transplant? Memorizing the Latin Monkey's alphabet?

From her magic to her smell to the way she always managed to be a bit taller than me and let me rest my head against her shoulder so I could burry my face in her hair.


I think that a comma or two would do well here. Maybe a semicolon or something else; it just seems like too much of a run-on.

I'm glad I could finally review one of your works Rosey! I did really enjoy this. Once again, my favorite thing about this is how quickly the reader develops a connection with the mc - and how I can see that they're alive with emotion! It's something that I have some difficulty with. I'm much better at writing light, humorous stories with no depth haha.
"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."


Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:37 am
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GryphonFledgling says...



Hey oh!

as I trotted to her rooms.


Slightly nitpicky, but you used the term "trotting" just a few lines beforehand. It's just uncommon enough of a word choice that I picked it out.

According to our parents, women who would eventually live at the palace had no place learning magic.

Eh?

Okay, so some of this will likely be explained when we get a better sense of Karina's magic, but why is it that her parents wouldn't want her sister learning magic? I mean, if there are indeed these random bursts of growth, wouldn't it be good for her to learn how to control it? Or does the growth only come with use and practice? I mean, how common is this magic? Is it common enough that it could be taken for granted and ignored (as seems to be the case if they can ignore Ranya's), or is it something that only a select few have and is very dangerous for that (as seems to be the case with Karina and how she doesn't seem to be getting all the training and support she would need).

A noble mage good enough to track a poison back to its source had no place in the palace.

WHY NOT? It seems to me that this would be an amazing resource for protection. Unless it's a concern that they could be bought out. But how easy is it to detect that one has magic? I mean, if it could go unnoticed, someone could totally sneak in with it and there would be no one there to stop them.

Gwah... I just don't understand this part of the social system at all. Again, still in the beginning, still have time to explain, but geez, these people are driving me to drink with their blatant suicidal tendencies. Seriously, they are just begging to get themselves killdeaded.

I’d managed to avoid any packing rush by insisting on traveling with most of my possessions.

Erm, what? If she were traveling with most of her possessions, wouldn't she have to be packing a lot? Or does she just not have many possessions? I'm just a bit confused about the scale of this thing. And she ended up not going anyway, so had she been packing at all before this? I dunno, I just found this a little confusing,

I liked this chapter as a whole a great deal. It introduced us to the character of Kerani and her situation in life fairly well, with plenty of room for expansion and explanation. It set up the magic, her living situation, her relationships to a few people, and it also gave us a first glimpse at the culture of the place.

All in all, you know I like this story. I'm excited to see where it goes from here. ;)

As always, PM/wall-spam me if you have any questions or comments!

~Gryph
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:03 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Rosey! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

He might be a decent passive mage, but his offensive ability was severely lacking.


Do you mean passive as in defensive? Only the line's not really doing anything for me.

I paused finger-combing straw out of my hair for a moment.


This is such a weird sentence because we never knew she was doing that before? If that makes sense?

Lais would’ve said it’s normal and so long


It was normal, maybe?

It did mean I had more energy to feel. I would have to, this time.


you'd have to what?

women who would eventually live at the palace had no place learning magic.


To me this doesn't quite fit because technically until today Kerani was going to end up living at the palace anyway.

Mostly rubies set in gold, to show she was still Shira, with the scarves being of various weights.


Various weights? Wot? xD

I could burry my face in her hair.


bury

II. OVERALL

Okay, so with Ranya here... tah-dah! Much stronger chapter than it was at first. Here I feel we're getting a proper idea of Kerani and it's much, much better. So good job on that.

As far as the training goes, I'm still not thoroughly convinced. Firstly, it seems like a weird thing to do, to go take anger out and then go cry to your sister. I somehow feel like the normal course of emotions would make it be the other way around. But you know I'm just uneasy about that whole deal. I think the training could wait at least until after Ranya. But yes. This was a much, much better part than the last one!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:17 pm
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Charlie II says...



Ok I've decided to review both pieces here -- I hope that's alright!

Ideas

Aha -- here's an author who has a world in her head. :wink:

I like how you've mixed the conflicts: political intrigue and family troubles. That's strong and it forms a great platform for future conflicts. Knowing you I imagine this is all plotted out well and so I've got a good feeling about the way this will continue. Unfortunately though (and I'm sorry if I'm echoing other reviewers here) it needs to be clearer, and to be clearer the reader needs a bit of a break for the first chapter at least.

Bear in mind this is just the opinion of one reader, but I've tried to identify the most important themes and things that could be omitted to help you if you decide to slim it down:

Crucial themes:
  • Magic (and how it relates to emotions)
  • Politics (the macro-conflict)
  • The sister's departure (the micro-conflict)
Parts that could wait:
  • Introducing the parents
  • Too many rules of magic
  • Too much about the guards

I'll talk about magic in a minute.

I honestly think the scene with the parents could be scrapped completely. It's good, I guess, but it tells us very little about either of Kerani's parents and it just seems to extend the time that Kerani is hanging around. If they're important characters then they deserve a better entrance, and if not then it's probably not worth giving the reader an extra two characters to think about.

Kerani's conversation with the guard Aryan is one of the nicest bits -- I like him as a character. There's something fantastically familiar about the way you write him, and it makes him immediately likeable. Still I think it would be best not to reveal too much about his connection with Kerani and their unconventional teaching arrangements. Leave it for a bit later in the novel perhaps -- I don't think the information is essential so it could be a place to slim.

The most important bits are making sure the politics are clear -- which they are, just about -- and the personal conflict -- which you've done a brilliant job on. And also, last but not least, the subject of "magic".

Magic

You'll be glad to hear I think it's great.

The system doesn't feel old or overused, which is fantastic, and I must admit that I'm a fan of the "just-about-in-control" kind of magic -- it makes it more dangerous and exciting and allows you to mould it to your motives rather than your characters'. It's important for there to be some exposition in the opening chapter -- if not then it's kind of awkward saying "Oh, by the way, MAGIC!" -- but again I think you need to be careful of how much.

I don't know whether you have written down a "Laws of Magic" for your story. I imagine you have, somewhere at least, in your plotting, and I think it would be a good idea to refer to this. From what I gathered, the most important part of magic is its connection (and interplay) with emotions. Aside from that, I'd say, choose only one or two other "fundamental rules" to mention in this chapter.

(I thought the bit about "magical growth-spurts" was just fantastic! <3 )

It's always good to have a bit of mystery surrounding magic -- you wouldn't want the reader to know all the secrets straight away, would you? :wink:

Characters

Kerani

So far, she's a little bit annoying. Clearly she's a powerful noblewoman-mage, and she's part of an influential family, but as a character she's quick to anger and full of pent-up frustration. It makes sense as we're seeing her on a pretty bad day, but it'll be interesting to see how she develops throughout the novel.

Just one question: I'm not sure how she's managing to hide any emotions from Ranya especially since her first-person-narrative is so full of them! I'd have imagined they'd be written across Kerani's face and body-language, but perhaps that's just me. I take it that magic training has something to do with emotional control, so perhaps it's related to that?

Aryan

Weirdly he's the guy I want to know more about. And because of that I don't think you should give us any more information!

I think he's one of the stronger hooking factors of the opening so far -- he seems so natural and his speech is perfect. I think it might be worth saving a bit more of his story for later, but as always that's your call. I'm not sure whether he's an important character yet, but I certainly hope he will be!

Ranya

She seems very perfect.

I don't think that's a problem, but it's just something that stood out when I read about her. She's beautiful, she's about to get married, she's got "the strongest wards", she's holding on to hope, etc. I'm sure she's not really a perfect character, and that's easy to develop in a later chapter, but just beware that she could be a potential Mary Sue if she's not careful.

Overall

I did like this chapter, and you wrote it very well. I stick by my points about information-overload and where it might be possible to slim it down, but if we disregard that for a second then I think you wrote a very engaging opening chapter. I love the way two major conflicts have become apparent -- especially the way one is macro-conflict and the other is micro-conflict.

Someone else mentioned that settings and actions and feelings were well-described, but the characters' descriptions weren't particularly memorable. I don't know if you've got a strong picture of them in your head, but I'm afraid I haven't, and that's something that you might want to address as well.

In short, great ideas -- keep working at it! It's gonna be interesting to see how this pans out.


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  








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