Young Writers Society

Rated for mild drug use and for cursing.



I followed them home, after the reception, after the ceremony at the graveside where my mother threw herself on my coffin like a cliche and the ladies from the church choir had to comfort her with empty words and baked goods. Uncle Richard finally forced Aunt Ellie to leave early, because all the sobbing she was doing couldn't be good for the baby. Angelina walked out with the still crying Ryan, whispering something about redemption and God's grace under her breath, fingering the gold cross on her neck.


Everyone went to our house, with it's navy-blue carpeted floors and worn couches, so familiar and so much like home, where millions of memories were . It was strange to see friends who once fought over the remote and had potato chip wars slouched on the sofa staring blankly at each other, unsure of what to do, what was proper to say.

Nina was sitting on the couch, leaning into Aiden as he stroked her hair and counted cracks in the ceiling. Rosie and Jainie and the rest of them were standing by the dining room table, whispering about oh how sad it is and how we'll miss her and what a shame, did you hear how she died, a nasty business, nasty things that we shouldn't be talking about, by the way, have you tried the spinach rolls, they're really good.

Tyler was in the corner, looking so much like the little boy I grew up with, scared and lost with a fading bruise on his eye and a faint red handprint still warm on his cheek. I wonder who slapped him and where the black eye came from, whether it was the same person, whether it hurt, whether he fought over me. He used to, even when we were nine, little arguments with Aiden about letting me in the Boys-Only fort, then as we got older, knocking out Jacob Henderson who had said I was a sophomore slut about as easy as opening a door. He was my super-hero, my best friend, who transformed over five months from an awkward, rail-thin, short boy, to this new creature; confident and gorgeous, lean with subtle muscles and a fantastic, dangerous smile. I knew he was thinking about two months ago, when he was gone in New York with his mother for a different sort of mourning.

Family, connected by the small resemblances in eyes and noses and hair, connected by the soft grief that encompassed them all, were in groups of two or three, mostly silent, some still crying. My father was upstairs with my mom, I assume comforting her, though I wouldn't doubt that they were both asleep, trying to deny the fact that they had just buried their eldest daughter. What a finalizing thing, to see your coffin being lowered into the ground, to see family and friends throw handfuls of dirt in the ditch; suffocating me with darkness. It had been frigid cold by the cemetery and I knew the roses and lilies and tulips that had been left for me would wilt soon, first the petals slowly turning sickly grey then the stem withering to a dry brown.

My Aunt Beth came downstairs, her black pumps clicking on the glazed wood floor as she nervously twittered around like a hummingbird, darting from the table to make sure there was refreshments, to the front of the house, to close the windows and door because rain had been forecasted and finally, going over to Nina.

She cleared her throat and when that didn't call Nina's attention, snapped her fingers twice in her face. Nina jumped, coming out of her daze, then slowly got up.

"It's, um, time for the eulogies. Are you ready?"

Nina nodded then walked over to the dining room table, where everyone had quieted down and focused their attention on her.

"I met Chloe at tennis class when we were both eleven. When Chloe d-died, I felt a part of me shatter, because I would never get one of her good morning texts again, I would never lose a tennis match 6-0 to her again, I would never wake up and think of all the things we were going to do that day. She was going to be my college roommate, my maid-of-honor and the god-mother to my children. We planned on even being in the same nursing home as batty old ladies laughing about our younger years."

She took a shaky breath and stared pointedly at the framed picture of me, her and our old coach, all smiling, slightly sweaty, young and alive. Our hair was up in matching ponytails and our hands were clasped together in a loose, natural sort of way.

"That will never happen and it kills me."

Nina, trembling, walked back to the couch, falling into Aiden's arms, resting her head on her older brother's shoulder. I was breathing heavily, even though in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't have, knew that blinking and breathing and living were all things that I would never need to do again. I stared at Nina, taking in her too-thin physique, bony arms and razor-sharp cheekbones matched with skeleton trails of tears, blackened by mascara and this haunted look in her pale green eyes. She hadn't always looked like this, like a corpse, ironic though, considering I was the dead one.

"Does anyone else want to say anything?" Aunt Beth asked, looking around as people averted their eyes and suddenly became very interested in their shoe-laces or the wallpaper.

Bethany Smith, my only competition for valedictorian, was hovering from her seat, unsure whether to get up, when Tyler stood rigidly and took long steps to the front of the table, resting his hands stiffly on the chair. I found myself loosely wandering towards him, as if he was a magnet and I was a little iron chip. He was still wearing his suit, firmly ironed and delicately pressed, even though he hated suits, hated formal things, hated funerals.

I remember once, years ago, we were in his basement, me, Tyler, Nina, Aiden and Daniel; all a bit stoned from the blunt we had been passing around. The radio was on low and we sat in a tight circle, the door locked and a table pushed in front of it.

"I had to go to my aunt's funeral last week. It really sucked. Don't come to my funeral, guys." Tyler slurred, leaning back onto the wall. His hand was resting on my leg, a light smile on his face. We had been like this all night, touches that should have felt normal and insignificant became burning and sped my heart up ten-fold.

"And why not?" I asked, wrapping my arms around my knees, subconsciously pulling my leg away as I noticed Nina glancing at us three times in two minutes. She liked him, I knew that, but flirting and actually doing something with Tyler were very separate things.

"Because, those things are depressing as shit and I'd prefer you guys celebrate my life by living yours, instead."

"Hear, hear." Aiden called, half-heartedly raising his arms up in a cheer.

"I'd love to see who'd show up at my funeral," Daniel said, laying on the maroon carpet, staring at the ceiling.

"See, that's depressing. Why would anyone want to see what happens at their funeral? Why would anyone want to die?" Tyler said.

"It's not that we want to die or that we want to see our funerals. It's that we want to see who cares enough to show up." Nina said softly, imprinting whimsical flowers and spirals onto the carpet with her fingers.

The conversation died after that and we eventually began talking about the homecoming game and how our sophomore year was going great and other miniscule, non-important things that didn't matter then and doesn't matter now.

Tyler's hands were still stiff on the back of the chair and he swallowed hard, his foot tap-tap-tapping on the floor, which he only did when he needed to calm down. He glanced around the room and I was so close to him, I could smell his cologne and a nauseuatingly fruity smell which I can only assume was Liza's perfume.

He looked like he had aged ten years in the week I hadn't seen him but he still had a lost-little-boy look on his face. His eyes were glazed as they finally rested on the general area where I was and it hurt to see him look beyond me, onto the same mantle Nina had stared at. He was looking instead at the picture of me and him as little ten year olds, our clothes covered in mud, with a bright green lizard poking out of my hand. He closed his eyes and inhaled then exhaled sharply.

"Chloe. I'm sorry. I forgive you."

Everyone stared at him, confused as he tread to the front of the house, open the door and left, slamming it shut. You couldn't see, but the door had miniscule cracks all over, a brand that Tyler had once been there, proof that sometimes you can't see the damage one has done.

He had forgiven me. He was sorry.

The room was completely full but I had never felt so alone.





Reviews and likes are appreciated!

Next chapter is a click away

This was awsome! I'll be back to review later tonight for you!

You're such a great writer, jas! It's seriously like a pleasure having to review for you! I really felt as though you stepped it up a notch in this chapter. It contained better descriptions, interesting, varied, and realistic dialogue and good narration the recipe for a great piece! Basically, I loved it. I just fell into the story, and was carried along in this sort of hypnotic way by your gorgous prose.

Right, so here's a few nitpicks for you. First off, I noted that you do use the word: 'soft' or 'softly' quite alot. It does become quite repetitive. Just to let you know

No 1

Jas wrote:I followed them home, after the reception, after the ceremony at the graveside where my mother threw herself on my coffin like a cliche and the ladies from the church choir had to comfort her with empty words and baked goods.

Right: your opening sentence. I don't think it was the best of starts, to be honest. It was a little cluttered and all over the place. So, here's how I would do it:

I followed them home after the reception; after the ceremony at the graveside, where my mother threw herself onto my coffin. -

I'll stop there. You use the word 'cliche' Why? I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't sound at all right. Maybe you could try 'where my mother threw herself uncontrollably onto my coffin' or something to that effect.

Erm...where was I? Oh yeh, after the full stop I'd continue by saying: 'The ladies from the church choir attempted to comfort her with their empty words and -

Stop again. I don't really like 'baked goods'. It sounds too formal. What about 'pastry slithers' or something like that? I'm just hilighting that I think you need to make it a bit more interesting.

No 2

Jas wrote:Angelina walked out with the still crying Ryan

Here, maybe you could try adding a bit of depth and description. Like maybe: 'Angleina walked out with Ryan clinging to her hip, tears streaming his face and sobs racking his body.'

No 3

Jas wrote:Nina, trembling, walked back to the couch, falling into Aiden's arms, breathing heavily.

This should read 'Nina, trembling, walked back to the couch and fell into Aiden's arms, breathing heavily.'

And that is seriously all I found! Great job! And remember, I have given you examples of what to write to improve, but please make sure you put them in your own words - it's your work, after all!

Have a good day, Jas

~ Amelia

Hey Jas!

Shubhi here to review. I hope I am not being totally weird while reviewing you since studying history all day long can seriously do that to my brain.

First of all, I'd start with the first paragraph. I didn't really like it. I mean, it wasn't catchy. But I wouldn't grumble about it but the fact that still the figures of Angelina and Ryan are kind of a mystery to me. Who are they? Are they the cousins? Sorry, if I am wrong, but I don't remember you mentioning about them but I do remember me being confused over who they are even before this chapter. So, you might wanna make the characters a bit more clear to the readers. I know it's kind of mysterious, and exciting to keep on guessing who is who but quite literally even that looks or reads good only for certain time.

Everyone went to our house, with it's navy-blue carpeted floors and worn couches, so familiar and so much like home, where millions of memories were .

I just didn't like this sentence. I mean, we already know it's her house, so why tell us that 'it felt like home' and blah blah? It's just cliched and boring. Also, I didn't like the way you brought in the description of the house, as if that's the only important thing her in her entire house.

Rosie and Jainie and the rest of them were standing by the dining room table, whispering about oh how sad it is and how we'll miss her and what a shame, did you hear how she died, a nasty business, nasty things that we shouldn't be talking about.

So much of and.

I wondered who slapped him and where the black eye came from, whether it was the same person, whether it hurt, whether he fought over me.

Nina nodded then walked over to the dining room table, where everyone had quieted down and focused their attention on her.

I don't think that's a proper word.

Alright, so I know you didn't want that grammar thingies, but shamelessly I still did them, so it's your choice now. Rip them, burn them or whatever. xD! Anyways, now I'd like to get to the real review.

I have said it before and would still say that from whatever I have read of yours, this ought to be the most special piece you've written. Your stories have always felt so real and so full of life to me. They were always different and innovative. I have read many stories about death and grief, and the way you've made this is actually different. Of course, it's a good thing. Of course the fact that the deceased is watching over her own funeral is deep somewhere really funny, but at the same time really touchy.

One part that actually confuses me though is that in stories like these when the deceased is still roaming, he/she tries to make themselves visible to their family, or friends. But here it's like she's totally come in terms with the very concept. I don't know, I won't be commenting on it, but if you have in mind something related to this, you could show it. Or show how it was with her when she first learnt about this. I don't know, maybe I am talking nonsense. xD!

Other than this, I found this chapter good. Not better than any of the others you have had, but the plot did move ahead which is more than enough at this point. Besides, you had a real great cliffhanger for us and I can't wait to know how exactly Chloe die. But at one point, you said Tyler to be her older little brother or something-that confused me. Aren't they supposed to be shown as romantically involved? It gives the impression, though.

Besides this, I'd like you to actually work a bit more on descriptions. Your flashbacks, FYI are great and keep them coming. They would really create an edifice for the story to move further. As for the descriptions, I found them much exciting in the earlier chapters than in this one.

Best of luck,
Mia

*arrives out of breath*

Jas, hello. No of course I didn't forget you. Onto this review!

As a general first thing to start things off, I'd like to bring up Chloe. She's the speaker in this chapter. I know you'll be telling the story from many different points of view here, but as for Chloe right now, I think it might be best to have you put in a little extra emotion toward her situation. It all seems so very nonchalant in a way. She takes in the scene of the people around her mourning, but the only one she actually shows any form of sadness toward is Tyler. Which makes sense because she cares for him, but in order to really grasp the respect for this extra attention she holds toward him, I think it'd be best if you elaborated on her feelings toward other people as well. I know you have in a sense, but I would really like to see more of it.

One thing I'm a bit worried about also is how Chloe seems to have come to terms so easily with her death. You don't reveal too much of what she thinks of her no longer being around. And if you made any attempts, it isn't very visible here. I guess this is possibly where building up her character may become a little difficult. You have to think of how you want to slowly unfold this story. Was she against her death at all from the beginning once she realized it? Had she at any point in her life felt alone? These might be reasons she'd feel slightly okay with no longer being around. There're contributing factors to every situation, you just have to be sure they're known to the reader. Also, how does she even feel about being caught up in limbo? She's not in heaven. Does she believe in heaven? What does she expect to become of her now that she's this way? I'd like to see you get into this a little bit. Delve a little deeper, don't only scratch at the surface.

Some littler things:

"That will never happen and it kills me."

This didn't feel to me like an appropriate ending to a eulogy. I can see that this person is expressing their sorrow, which suits, but ending something like this on a sour note doesn't quite fit. It feels unfinished. The eulogy itself was okay. A bit cliche, but it's hard not to get sappy and weird with words like this when you're trying to paint such a specifically emotional moment. Chloe didn't seem to quite react very deeply to this I saw. How come? o.O

I remember once, years ago, we were in his basement, me, Tyler, Nina, Aiden and Daniel; all a bit stoned from the blunt we had been passing around. The radio was on low and we sat in a tight circle, the door locked and a table pushed in front of it.

This reminds me too much of That 70's Show. xD Are you for reals? I hope your story is filled with more laid back youthfully immature parts like this. I think it could mold an interesting atmospehere for your story. You always want to focus on creating an interesting atmosphere. Just remember to be consistent about it and try not to contradict yourself when you do.

AnyHOOT, sorry for taking a cool minute to get here. I really have a bad habit of taking forever like this sometimes. Let me know when you have another chapter up though. I'll try and get to it faster. This way I won't feel like other reviewers catch and critique all the good stuff before I can get to it. I don't particularly like repeating what's been said.

H'okay bye!

-Smylin'

Hi Jas!
Yet another brilliant Chapter. I'm serious. Have you considered publishing?

Things I liked adored

1.

Jas wrote:He was my super-hero, my best friend, who transformed over five months from an awkward, rail-thin, short boy, to this new creature; confident and gorgeous, lean with subtle muscles and a fantastic, dangerous smile.

I loved this description! It's really obvious that she likes him. It's amazing. I think here though, she might feel a little bit said that she had to leave him because she died. At least he can't see her, can he?

2.

Jas wrote:nervously twittering around like a hummingbird, darting from the table to make sure there was refreshments,

Yay for great descriptions! XD

3. I love the little bits of description that hint Chloe and Tyler's crush on each other. It's nice and subtle and you didn't say "WE FANCIED EACH OTHER" XD It shows how close they are and why Tyler must be so sad that Chloe died.

4. Viewpoint for the millionth time XD I love how it's third person and first at the same time, if you know what I mean. It's very good I'd

Improvements

Jas wrote:The conversation died after that and we eventually began talking about the homecoming game and how our sophomore year was going great and other miniscule, non-important things that didn't matter then and doesn't matter now.

Tyler's hands were still stiff on the back of the chair and he swallowed hard, his foot tap-tap-tapping on the floor, which he only did when he needed to calm down. He glanced around the room and I was so close to him, I could smell his cologne and a nauseuatingly fruity smell which I can only assume was Liza's perfume.

I didn't really understand this bit. It took me a while to realise that you went back to the Eulogies ... whatever they're called XD - so is it possible to make it clearer?

2.

Jas wrote: knocking out Jacob Henderson who had said I was a sophomore slut about as easy as making cereal.

Is that an American insult? I didn't understand that insult. I have a vague idea, but I can't be sure. If it's American though, it's fine Adds to the setting. (I live in Britain).

3. As Smylin' said, do try and add a little bit of emotion into it from the narrator. Not everybody sees their own funeral everyday...


Overall, well done! I can't wait for more! Please notify me via PM or post on my wall again I'm now off to rewrite my Chapter 3. Uugh. I really hate not being bothered to write.

Keeeeeeep Writing! XD
Mac

Hey Jas, Stella here, like I said!

I. NITPICKS

coffin like a cliche

cliché. Also. Love the lampshading.

and the ladies from the church choir had to comfort her with empty words and baked goods.

OMG, I love you for this. I think these sorts of moments are the sort we forget when we consider grief.

with it's navy-blue carpeted floors and worn couches,

its

nasty things that we shouldn't be talking about.

But are they talking about it? It's a serious consideration for me- are they respectfully avoiding the subject or delving in with that intrigue in the gorey and morbid that all humans seem to share whether they like it or not?

as making cereal.

making cereal? Is that easy?

covering, suffocating me with darkness.

The covering is awkward.

Nina's discrete glare.

discreet. But how can a glare be discreet anyway? The words are contradictory.

"Chloe. I'm sorry. I forgive you."

He's both apologising and forgiving her? Did she ask for forgiveness before she died? Because I feel like, at this point, he would probably feel that she was free of all her faults. Any left over anger/resentment would come later. Just a thought... I think he would only be apologising here.

II. OVERALL

I love this. You manage grief in such a human way. I do have a couple of issues but they are really nitpicky so don't feel as if I'm contradicting myself by saying I love it and then saying everything that's wrong with it, it's just a few little things:

-Chloe herself. I feel like she's too detached at points. Now, being completely detached might be an interesting way to play it, but then at the end she's suddenly full of emotion. How would you feel listening to your best friend say that speech? I figure either blow out all the emotion, or don't have any at all. Right now you're hovering.
-the eulogy. It's very sweet but it doesn't feel natural. I know that if she's not used to public speaking the speech might come off as childish and whatever but even as it is it just doesn't run smoothly in my mind, doesn't run like someone's actually saying the words.
-the names. It was my original fear in the first part that all these names wouldn't mean anything to us later on and I'm right now. Tyler I recognise and Nina we see is her best friend. But as for the others, while I like the touch of showing just how many people make up a life, there are just too many of them and you're acting like we should remember every single one of them. Cutting down on all the names might be an idea.

But overall, I really really liked it. Lovely work

Hope I helped and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

PS- I would LOVE updates but I think I'm already on your mailing list!

Jas,

You've gotten great reviews for this and I agree with all of them. Especially about Chloe's deattachment.

I followed them home, after the reception, after the ceremony at the graveside where my mother threw herself on my coffin like a cliche

Would she really react like this towards her mother? Her mother is grieving over her eldest child... I mean, yeah it's expected for her to be a mess, but here it seems like Chloe's rolling her eyes or shrugging her shoulder saying "such a cliche"

...That's a bit cold.

So that would be my main suggestion. Really try to put yourself in Chloe's shoes to better capture the emotions. I feel you do a great job when it comes to her attention towards Tyler - but everyone else just doesn't seem to matter. You yourself point this out in your spoiler.

I do kind of wonder if Chloe wonders about her death, but to me, that's not so much jarring as her coldness towards the other characters. Several reviewers also mentioned that Chloe didn't even react towards Nina's speech.

It's kind of difficult, that I understand. You have her set up as a quiet observer, a "fly on the wall" more than a character. My suggestion for you is to pick up your favorite first-person narrative novel and really look at the writing. Pay attention to how the author is weaving character thoughts and description with the actual scene. it is a difficult thing to master.

That being said, I mean, your prose is terrific. There are lots of key descriptions, though I couldn't find one that stood out to me like I had in the other chapters.

I do love the flashbacks though. The weaving of it was smooth, very nice.

Overall - this to me seems like the building up of a good love story. You do have a good handle on Tyler and Tyler's perspective (and what he thinks of Chloe). You also do good in Chloe's perspective and how she thinks of Tyler. But I don't get much else from Chloe - and while I get a good bit from Tyler, I actually want more out of Tyler.

What I mean is, I want to see these characters as individuals. You've so far portrayed their love and history for each other, and why they love each other. And we do see more of Tyler as an individual than Chloe as an individual. (Chloe was best portrayed in Tyler's chapter interestingly enough - and that's not a bad thing, but I want to see Chloe as Chloe too!) xD

Also, note that I said you're building up to a good love story. As for a thought-provoking, life-as- living-dead story like you sort of hinted/promised the reader from the hook at the beginning of chapter one - so far, I'm getting none or very little of that. That part of this novel seems shallowly written.

This is really difficult to do though and if you want to talk about it, brainstorm ideas, you know where to find me.

~ As always Audy

Jas!

I'm finally here to review. I'm focussing mainly on the grammar and what not since I haven't read the first chapter.

Your two biggest problems are as follows: Run ons, and tense.

It seems to me that you get lost in thought a lot and go on about things forgetting to allow the reader to breathe! Here are some examples.

Bethany Hoverd, my only competition for valedictorian, was hovering from her seat, unsure whether to get up, when Tyler stood rigidly and took long steps to the front of the table, resting his hands stiffly on the chair.

Family, connected by the small resemblances in eyes and noses and hair, connected by the soft grief that encompassed them all, were in groups of two or three, mostly silent, some still crying.

It was strange to see friends who once fought over the remote and had potato chip wars slouched on the sofa staring blankly at each other, unsure of what to do, what was proper to say.

By the way, the period right before this sentence had a space before it.

I followed them home, after the reception, after the ceremony at the graveside where my mother threw herself on my coffin like a cliche and the ladies from the church choir had to comfort her with empty words and baked goods.

A lot of these could be split into multiple sentences making them much more manageable. It just gets kind of cumbersome to have to read for so long without taking a breath.

As for tenses, it wasn't bad. But from my memory (which is admittedly not great.) I seem to recall you had this same problem in a few of the other things I've reviewed.

Everyone stared at him, confused as he tread to the front of the house, opened the door and left, slamming it shut.

his foot was tap-tap-tapping on the floor,

should be past

non-important things that didn't matter then and doesn't don't matter now.

to see family and friends throws (Take out) handfuls of dirt in the ditch; covering, suffocating me with darkness.

My final general corrections:

Nina was sitting on the couch, leaning into Aiden's chest as he stroked her hair, while he counted cracks in the ceiling

. I'm suggesting you say "as he stroked her hair and counted the cracks in the ceiling." The other way is just too wordy and a little confusing.

Rosie and Jainie and the rest of them were standing by the dining room table, whispering about "oh how sad it is," and how "we'll miss her," and "what a shame, did you hear how she died, a nasty business," nasty things that we shouldn't be talking about.

You just need to make a distinction between what they are saying and what you are narating.


Hope I was of help! Sorry this took so dang long.... I've been a little busy.

-HostofHorus

That was fantastic.

I'll start this review by saying there were quite a few grammatical errors, but it looks like everyone else got them all. Or most of them.

Second, again--this was fantastic. In my opinion, it was better than the first chapter. I felt as if you showed much more of the characters here, and that you portrayed their personalities much more objectively.

SmylinG wrote:As a general first thing to start things off, I'd like to bring up Chloe. She's the speaker in this chapter. I know you'll be telling the story from many different points of view here, but as for Chloe right now, I think it might be best to have you put in a little extra emotion toward her situation. It all seems so very nonchalant in a way. She takes in the scene of the people around her mourning, but the only one she actually shows any form of sadness toward is Tyler. Which makes sense because she cares for him, but in order to really grasp the respect for this extra attention she holds toward him, I think it'd be best if you elaborated on her feelings toward other people as well. I know you have in a sense, but I would really like to see more of it.

One thing I'm a bit worried about also is how Chloe seems to have come to terms so easily with her death. You don't reveal too much of what she thinks of her no longer being around. And if you made any attempts, it isn't very visible here. I guess this is possibly where building up her character may become a little difficult. You have to think of how you want to slowly unfold this story. Was she against her death at all from the beginning once she realized it? Had she at any point in her life felt alone? These might be reasons she'd feel slightly okay with no longer being around. There're contributing factors to every situation, you just have to be sure they're known to the reader. Also, how does she even feel about being caught up in limbo? She's not in heaven. Does she believe in heaven? What does she expect to become of her now that she's this way? I'd like to see you get into this a little bit. Delve a little deeper, don't only scratch at the surface.

I second all of this. The tone in this chapter was so casual that I felt something was missing the whole time. I think you need Chloe to accept and/or deal with the knowledge that she's dead before you get to this point. The way it is right now just shows us a character that seems to be simply serving the purpose of the narrator--she exhibits a huge lack of introspection and doesn't go deeper than facial expressions when it comes to the other characters. She's simply telling about what's happening around her. As a character herself, Chloe is allowed--even expected--to make some assumptions about other characters. Not to say you're not doing a wonderful job of describing them (you are), but it feels superficial upon closer inspection.

Also, I feel that the, "Seriously, you're worried about a boy!?" feeling is gone. This

Tyler was in the corner, looking so much like the little boy I grew up with, scared and lost with a fading bruise on his eye and a faint red handprint still warm on his cheek. I wonder who slapped him and where the black eye came from, whether it was the same person, whether it hurt, whether he fought over me. He used to, even when we were nine, little arguments with Aiden about letting me in the Boys-Only fort, then as we got older, knocking out Jacob Henderson who had said I was a sophomore slut about as easy as opening a door. He was my super-hero, my best friend, who transformed over five months from an awkward, rail-thin, short boy, to this new creature; confident and gorgeous, lean with subtle muscles and a fantastic, dangerous smile.

took care of it wonderfully. Nice segue into their history together. It gave me enough information to know that some sort of relationship has been established and that she's not blindly lusting.

Other than that, the only criticism I have left is that the massive amount of supporting characters is bugging me. Not because there are a lot of them--because the majority of them don't mean anything. But I'd like to see anyone give a cast this size perfect characterizations by the second chapter. I do hope, however, that you'll quickly begin to weed out everyone that doesn't matter while advancing the characterizations of those that do. It's a challenge, but I'm pretty sure you can handle it.

In summary, you did another amazing job. I'm looking forward to reviewing the rest of this novel. I really am.

I got so behind with this, and I'm terribly sorry! I'm here now, though, and that's all that matters!

This was a really great chapter! I loved the description of everyone and the imagery of everyone gathered at Chloe's house. I particularly liked this line:

Rosie and Jainie and the rest of them were standing by the dining room table, whispering about oh how sad it is and how we'll miss her and what a shame, did you hear how she died, a nasty business, nasty things that we shouldn't be talking about, by the way, have you tried the spinach rolls, they're really good.

Of course, as much as I loved this chapter it's not helpful if I just gush So on to the rest of the review!

Tyler slurred, leaning back onto the wall. His hand was resting on my leg, a light smile on his face.

I've never been high myself, but I've been around enough people when they were high that I know that none of them really slur when they're high. It may be something you want to look into

Another thing during that flashback scene, I'm a tad confused about the relationships between Nina and Tyler and Chloe and Tyler. Maybe I'm just forgetting something from earlier, but I didn't realize Nina liked Tyler, and she was dating Aiden I thought? Was this flashback before she started dating Aiden?

You couldn't see, but the door had miniscule cracks all over, a brand that Tyler had once been there, proof that sometimes you can't see the damage one has done.

This line didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand why he said he apologized and forgave her either, but I might have forgotten something from before. Still, here I don't really under stand the "brand that Tyler had once been there" and I think brand might be the wrong word. Maybe you want sign? This sentence, and the end of this chapter, just needs more clarification for the sake of the reader.

Again, I really enjoyed this chapter! It's also nice to see that you'll be alternating chapters in the present with letters, I think that's a great idea for this story.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-