Young Writers Society

The wind blows in from the little crack in the window. Its hot and stuffy inside my room and the fresh air rushes in, bringing with it the smell of the rain and and the freshly damp soil. Its beautiful and it surrounds me.
- I like how you started the story with active description of something we can feel/imagine. It's started good, however I guess you mistyped "and" two times and there's no need for the last sentence. Air naturally surrounds, beautiful is unnecessary to be repeated, since we already feel the air and its scent.

I get up from my desk and open the window as far as I could. I close my eyes and stand there. Though my eyes are closed, I am looking out. Looking out from inside my soul like a caged prisoner who has not seen the sun in ages.
- Open the window as wide as it's possible. As far as doesn't really go well with opening the window. I find the next sentences a bit awkward, you could explain the "has not seen the sun in ages" differently; you could joint the standing there with my eyes closed and the 'like a caged prisoner' better, separating looking out into two sentences is also unnecessary. In case you want that looking out two times for the depth, comma is enough . Also, Though my eyes are closed is a bit off, Even though sounds better ^^.

I feel a familiar stirring inside. I know what it is and my whole body tense. I can think of only one thing. The Rebel Monster.
- To be honest with you, this kind of doesn't really intrigue. Familiar stirring, what kind of stirring? Is it scratchy near the stomach? Or rough? 'And my whole body tense' seems to lack 'is' between 'body' and 'tense'. I'd write this sentence differently and add it to the first sentence about the feeling. 'I can think of' is not really captivating. You could go in the lines of 'There's no mistaking it, it can't be anything else but the Rebel Monster.' . There are a few other ways to make this stand out, this is just an example Right now the way it is, it's simply plain.

The wind has revived the Rebel Monster. Its waking up, its stretching its claws. I know what will happen now, the monster will try to destroy all reason in my brain. All that I have built in my life; by careful planning and "doing the right things" will come crashing down. The monster will make me throw it all away, it will make me want to fly, do as I please, be free.
- Wind doesn't revive, it causes something and you could point that out more properly The 'cause'. Reason in my brain? Unnecessary. You could substitute it with sanity and it'd sound better too. The 'by careful planning' sentence is wrong. There's no need for that ; and instead of 'careful', type 'carefuly' and you have a whole good long sentence.


But no. I will not let this happen. Did I not defeat the Monster all those years ago? I will fight again. I will fight harder.
- But no? Sounds a bit odd. Go with the definite 'No. I will not let this happen.' Can you imagine the protagonist putting importance into these words, rising her fist and her fighting spirit increasing? 'All those years ago' is grammatically wrong and there's no need for Did I not, it's not much focus anyway. 'Didn't I defeat the Monster once already?'

I brace myself and turn to face the monster within.
- 'I call forth all my courage to encounter the monster within me. I can see it. I'm scared' Now look at the commentary below, check those two lines together. It does make a lot of difference, doesn't it.

For a minute, I am scared. The Monster is looking at me with blood red fury plain in its eyes. I take deep breath and look at the monster in the eye.
- 'I'm scared; the Monster's looking at me with its blood red fury-like eyes, sending cold chills down my spine. Inhaling deeply I still dare to look into the Monster's eyes.' Do you see the difference in the feeling? Besides, 'look at the monster in the eye' is shamefully grammatically wrong.

"Hello, Monster," I say calmly. The Monster growled in response and prepared to pounce. As if I would let that happen.

"Why have you come here, Monster? Don't you remember our last time together?"

We both stare at each other, remembering our last encounter.

" I know what you want, Monster. I know you want to infiltrate my brain. You want to wipe all reason. You want me to be myself, something I have not been since the last ten years. You are not exactly my enemy, but I have to stop you. And for that, I have to hurt you."
- You have a bad habit to make a space between " and first capital word. Unnecessary. The point the story takes here is not really bad, but one thing straight - it is not intriguing. I'll explain in overall.

I could see the question plainly in the Monster's eyes. They seem to say, " Why? Why are you doing this? Don't you want to be free? Look around you, all that you have accomplished these years. Did it make you happy? No. You are miserable.
- I see the Monster's speech continues below. Cropping it into paragraphs is not a really good idea. One speech should be in one paragraph for good overview."

Every day of your life you wake up to the same routine. You make money , go out, socialize and come home. Is this the life you planned for yourself? Where is the artist who dreamed of creating a new world? Where is that girl who believed in love, hopes and dreams? It's not too late. You can still dream, you can be free. Don't you want that?"

This is too much. The monster is hypnotizing me. I feel that old self again. The girl who dreamed. But no. I could not let that happen. I had a strong secure future. I have family to think about. I will not throw it away.
- I had a strong secure future? I'm not really sure what you wanted here, you might want to change it.

I turn to the Monster. " So you want to know why I will not rebel? Well, I will tell you, Monster."
- You already said that you turnt to it before, why repeat it?
The Monster waited.
- Waited... Remained silent with its arms crossed.

" You are very strong. You nearly defeated me this time. But you know what is more terrible, more frightening than you?"

The monster looks at me mockingly as if saying, "Who could be more stronger than a Rebel Monster?"

"Yes, it is more power than you are, Monster. Its called the Great and the Terrible Fear. See who I mean now?"
- It is more powerful than.

The Monster is looking at me with horror struck eyes.

"Yes, Monster, the Fear has dominated me all my life. The Fear rules my brain with reason. It does not allow me to rebel. It has complete control. I could not fight with the Fear as I fought with you. The Fear conquered me, Monster."

The monster puts down its tail with defeat. It knows there is nothing it can do against the Fear.

I could see the Monster backing off. Its eyes are growing heavy. It gives me a last look, then closes its eyes, going in a deep slumber.

A distant sound brings me back. I open my eyes. I am breathing hard and sweating, The wind has stopped now. Complete silence surrounds me. I close the window and return to my desk.

The Monster is gone...This time, perhaps, forever.
- The fight's too short and plain. You have a monster there that the protagonist wants to push back. Protagonist says a bit about Fear and the monster just falls back? As if. Not everything just falls back so easily, there's always some resistance left. The monster backed off to soon and too simply, the whole importance of the monster immediately vanishes, its existence and mentioning in this story becomes almost worthless. Fear conquered? If somebody's conquered by fear, that person is deadly afraid of everything out of the usual. Is that the case? Fear puts restrictions and limits, you might want to point that out more.

As about the ending itself - since the monster's importance is so low and unnoticeable thanks to such a short appearance and without proper explanation, I feel nothing over 'victory', over it going away.