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Untitled Book- chapter 1.



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Wed Aug 31, 2011 8:30 pm
MilkNCookies says...



Prelude
The three people crowded around the crib, one lady gently rocking it back and forth in puppy pajamas. She had brown, soft eyes and dirty blond hair tumbling to her shoulders. Her face was riddled with worry.

“Well, My Lord?” One man asked, staring at the small two month old sleeping soundly in the crib, her thumb in her mouth. He had a light blue robe with two silver tassels.

“It is hard to say,” A man mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. He wore a blood red rose with four sleek, golden tassels. His blond hair was wild, and his black eyes seemed to be miserable. The lady’s light, icy blue eyes stared at him with hope and doubt. “And yet, it has never been so clear to me.” He finished.

“My Lord?” Asked the lady, her eyebrows knit with confusion.

“You are a Messenger, are you not?” He asked her. Slowly, she nodded, her head bowing in shame. “Go. Spread the news. It’s the time. The child we have been waiting for- we have been praying for- has been gifted to us.”
The lady, confused yet clearly excited, nodded. With a small grunt, she shrunk down. Her hair crawled back into her head, and horns emerged down her spine until her forehead in return. Her eyes turned a coal back as her skin turned a harsh red.

“It has been a while.” She said at their glares. With a nod to them and a worried look at the baby, she cranked open the rusty, huge window. With a final glance backwards, she pushed from the floor and soared into the night sky.

The creaking of the window awoke the child. She whined a tad before screaming loudly.

“M-My L-lord,” The man’s voice trembled, “T-take a look.”

The man in the red robe turn from the window to the baby, staring at it.

“Now I am certain.” He mumbled to himself, the child’s blood red eyes staring right back at him unnervingly.



Chapter 1

The girl sighed, her backpack pulling at her shoulders. Towering in front of my was her home- the Drak Cult ‘Orphanage’. It was a pale pink color that lost any color other than an off-white at least ten years ago. A simple wooden door towered at least halfway up the first floor, much like the door of a cathedral; and it stacked at least 5 stories up, titling slightly to the left. It was a very odd sight in the suburbs of the city. She groaned, internally thrice damning the cult in its entirety. Especially the way it altered its people. If only she wasn’t already 'irreversibly changed', she’d run away from this Hell!

The girl herself wasn’t at all like the building. She was short and a tad overweight, but not enough to harm her or her athletic lifestyle. Her eyes were as blue as a sapphire, and almost might be mistaken for gems in her eyes. Her nose was too small for good looks, and out of proportion with her thick shoulders, short build and large feet. Light freckles swarmed her face like a school of angry tuna, blurring and overlapping each other. And as for her most confusing feature, her hair? Let’s just say it’s naturally silver. Not like an old person, tired and worn grey; A radiating, healthy silver, which tumbled to her shoulders with small curls scattered about.

“Demoni, get you’re as-” An adult said from the door, before looking behind her to see a few children running around,
“Butt in here before I tan your hide!” She yelled, her tired black eyes piercing through the girl. Her straight, exhausted and clearly miserable black was in a bun at the back of her head, with a wooden, faded pink flower in it.

“I’m coming, Berarti.” Demoni said, trotting up to the door.

“And tie up your hideous hair.” Ber added as Demoni walked past her, inside. With a hair tie she grabbed from the table- as it was a fashion of the girls of Drak to never cut their hair, plenty of people needed them- She put it into a messy bun and glanced at herself in the mirror with a nod.

“Dem, Dem!” A little girl cried, a small leopard-like stuffed animal hanging from her hand. She was one of the only girls
in the orphanage who followed behind Dem and cut her hair, and it still fell in blond spirals to her midriff. Her brown, mud-colored eyes gleamed of excitement as she grabbed onto her adopter mother’s leg.

“Jeeze, Buruk. Give me a little leg room.” Dem chuckled at her own pun. With happiness flowing from every pore of her body, she looked up at Demoni and shook her head. “Fine. But only for a little while.” She was used to carrying the three year old around, anyways.

She limped up a whole flight of stairs before prying the child off and putting her on a hip to carry her up the next two. She turned then down a hallways with peeling beige walls, into their shared room.

Her only other roommate, Masama, was making one of her rare appearances in her room, often spending the night with friends to get away from this place.

“Dems.” She said simply, reading her paper.

“Hey, Masa.” Demoni said, huffing from the giggling three year old’s weight. Masa didn’t reply, only turn the page with a scowl on her face. Dem put her bag under her tidy back bed. There were three beds in the blue room (she had used her own money to buy new paint a few months ago, because she couldn’t stand the rosy pink, chipping walls).

One was against the left wall- Masa’s bed, where Masa herself was sprawled. It was a pink that used to match the original walls. It was disorganized and her pink school bag was against the wall in the corner. Masa’s bag and bed was a polar opposite with the girl herself. Masa was in a word, depressed. The sort of leave-me-alone-I’m-dying-in-the-corner depressed. Heavy black eye shadow and eyeliner was on her face, and her plain black clothes passed her sad feeling. Dem pitied her beyond comprehension.

The bubbly Buruk’s bed was on the back wall. On it was about ten stuffen animals, but her favorite was the spotted leopard she called Spot. Her bed was black with white circles on it. Right above her bed was the only painting in the entire room- one of a cartoon dragon with a flame coming from its mouth.

Demoni’s own bed was a placid black with white pillows. It was completely neat- except for one lizard stuffed animal tossed carelessly on her bed. With a frown, she put the stuffed animal back on Buruk’s bed.

“I’ve been looking for Lizzy!” She yelped happily, pouncing onto her bed with a huge smile.
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&
About twenty math problems and an essay later, Demoni put down her work with a sigh of relief. Tucking all of her school binders and folders back into her back pack, she put it back under her bed. Buruk, sleeping regardless of the fact it was only 3 PM, snuggled with her lizard stuffed animal and dreamed with a smile.

If only my dreams were as happy as hers, Demoni thought to herself. She was envious of the care-free Buruk, but she would never let anyone see that. She trudded out of the room and down three flights of stairs, into the main room where Ber was sitting with some sort of curb appeal magazine in her hand.

“Finally going to clean the place up?” I asked her. She peered above her crystal clear glasses at me.

“Funny joke.” She hissed back.

“Can’t say I don’t try.”

“I’d think a 14 year old would have more respect for a 6- an elder like me.” She replied.

“Then that’s your fault. I’m not the one who raised me.” I replied, my hate for Ber boiling in my heart.

“Get to your job.” She hissed. I nodded, grabbing my simple denim purse from the hook and one of the five cell phones from the table- if one of the older girls was going out, she’d take a cell phone in case of emergency.

I tucked the plain, old flip-phone into my purse, wondering if it even worked anymore. God forbid I ever needed to find out!

I strode out the massive door, back on to the cracked side walk. Sparse cars zipped past her on these back roads, and the few that did had no regard for speed limits- just like the police had no regard to enforce them.

After the sort walk, she entered her workplace- a convenience store. It was shaped sort of like a hexagon; on one wall was magazines and cigarettes, along with lighters; another was the hot dog machine and the soda fountain; the third, an assortment of candy; the next, a fridge with various drinks and beers; fifth, toys and diapers; and the last one was novelty items and souvenirs for the neighboring city- Ely, NV. In the middle was a sort of hub with forsted glass except for the one door and the counter.

The other worker came out from behind the counter in elation. He was bout sixteen, had enough pimples to spare, and
pretended she never existed, other than giving me the key ring.

She grabbed the keys from the boy as he walked out the door.

The inside of the small hub was plain and a tad claustrophobic. There was an office chair and a computer, along with about ten rolls of various lottery cards. She immediately went to the computer and typed in Drak Cult.

Demoni has always always been suspicious of her cult, and with good reason. She knew there was an irreversible change when you were sworn into the cult. She knew there was some sort of transformation. Ber had told her when she was eleven, “The cult is not one to be toyed with. We come from the Gods, and the God’s children. We are their creations. The Gods made the ultimate holy spirit- a horse, a horse with a strange… weapon. But this horse was too powerful. It almost rid the world of evil. The underlord said to himself, ‘this will simply not do. I need an evil being built to destroy this horse.’ And so, he created us. He gave us fangs as strong as diamond, so we could break the horses’ h- weapon, and he gave us wings so we could drop on them. He gave us claws to rip their hides, and the most important gift of all - fire, so we could burn the horse and kill not only it’s mortal body but it’s spirit as well.”

Ber had chosen her words carefully, but Demoni was going to find out once and for all what she was. Between her unnaturally long nails that came within minutes unbidden, and her teeth that could sharpen and stretch themselves, she was through with wondering.

Ring, ding-a-ding! The bell above the door chimed as it swung.

With a mental groan, Demoni ripped herself from the load screen to see her customer.

He was around her age, if not a tad older, and had the most beautiful hair she’s seen in her entire life. It was so strange, it was almost… gold. He was almost white, he was so pale- which was almost an impossible thing in Nevada. She made a short guess that he was visiting or perhaps just moved here from HotBoy City in Heaven, The Sky. He stared at her just as long as she stared at him- which was a long time.

“Hello.” He said ultimately.

“Hello.” She replied with wide eyes. With a jolt she remembered my line. “May I help you?” She asked as sweetly as I could- but for it came off a tad rough.

“Oh. I was.. uh…” He started. “Oh right! I was getting some snacks.” He lied. He had been told to go there by his cult’s spiritual leader about a year ago, and he had anticipated it; and now he sparsely knew why he felt such a pull to this strange, mysterious, even a bit dangerous seeming girl. He meandered to the snack wall, his eyes never really leaving the girl- and her eyes never really leaving his. Something about each other made them put their guard up, but something about each other also made them infinitely curious.

“You want to…. Hang out?” He asked clumsily, mentally scolding himself. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know you, and-”

“That sounds… great.” Demoni said with a slight smile.

Ta-Da! The new version.
Last edited by MilkNCookies on Sun Sep 04, 2011 1:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

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Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:20 pm
MonoTheElderish says...



I actually really liked this even though its not quite what I normally read. Very attention grabbing. At least to me. Very descriptive while It also doesn't over complicate.
Anyway,




Prelude
The three people crowded around the crib, one lady gently rocking it back and forth in puppy pajamas.Wait, the old was wearing like, Footy pajamas? She had brown, soft eyes and dirty blond hair tumbling to her shoulders. Her face was riddled with worry.

“Well, My Lord?” One man asked, staring at the small two month old sleeping soundly in the crib, her thumb in her mouth. He had a light blue robe with two silver tassels.

“It is hard to say,” A man mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. He wore a blood red rose with four sleek, golden tassels. His blond hair was wild, and his black eyes seemed to be miserable. The lady’s light, icy blue eyes stared at him with hope and doubt. “And yet, it has never been so clear to me.” He finished.

“My Lord?” Asked the lady, her eyebrows knit with confusion.

“You are a Messenger, are you not?” He asked her. Slowly, she nodded, her head bowing in shame. “Go. Spread the news. It’s the time. The child we have been waiting for- we have been praying for- has been gifted to us.”
The lady, confused yet clearly excited, nodded. With a small grunt, she shrunk down. Her hair crawled back into her head, and horns emerged down her spine until her forehead in return. Her eyes turned a coal back as her skin turned a harsh red. Odd. Most older women I know don't do THAT.

“It has been a while.” She said at their glares. With a nod to them and a worried look at the baby, she cranked open the rusty, huge window. With a final glance backwards, she pushed from the floor and soared into the night sky.

The creaking of the window awoke the child. She whined a tad before screaming loudly.

“M-My L-lord,” The man’s voice trembled, “T-take a look.”

The man in the red robe turn from the window to the baby, staring at it.

“Now I am certain.” He mumbled to himself, the child’s blood red eyes staring right back at him unnervingly.



Chapter 1

I held my schedule tight to my chest. Hours of looking it over and over and doing countless run-throughs of people’s reactions had done me little good as everyone stared at my eyes. They were too light to be color contact but to red to be real. I glanced around uncertainly. My schedule flashed in my mind-

Mrs. Cooper, Math, 1st hour - room 604.
Ms. Pallinto, Science, 2nd hour - room 1910
Mr. Damon, Drama, 3rd hour- room 403
Mrs. Lazure, Band, 4th hour- room 107
Ms. Morgan, Lang. Arts, 5th hour- room 1917
Mr. Leroy, History, 6th hour- room 1915

I sighed, closing my eyes. Maybe, just maybe, this nightmare will all go away. One, two, three…
I opened my eyes. Brown, hazel, and occasional blue eyes- normal eyes- stared back at mine. I pushed my generic, pink bag farther on my shoulder and began walking.

I was the new kid. The stranger. The freak. Being the only girl with her schedule- it was December, right after winter break- I was regarded as a freak. It was my first day, and if I got my way, my last one.

“Excuse me, do you need help with your classes?” Someone asked. I turned to see a boy- an utterly fascinating, curiously gorgeous boy. He was around my height, with honey colored hair swept to the side in a method I call surfer style. It covered his left eye- not enough to shield his pure, icy blue eyes. Just looking at him filled me with warmth. I wonder if he things I’m pretty? Nah. Who can think I am pretty? Blacks and reds were sort of my thing.

“Yes.” I admitted, forking over the yellow paper.

“Mrs. Cooper? I have that class.”

“Really?” I asked happily. Oops. I probably sounded a little too excited. I silently scolded myself, seeing as I had promised no to get crushes on anyone. It would never be allowed.

“It’s alright, I have that effect on people.” He said.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered.

“It’s not your fault. I hogged all the good genes in my family.” He said with a dazzling with smile. I nearly melted inside.

“I have the bad ones.”

“Aww, you can’t be all that bad. Do you want to walk with me to class?” I asked. Hesitantly I nodded.

“Yea. Yea, I would.” I replied. Something about this boy seemed innocent- almost too innocent- but I was too curious to realize.

“Let’s see. Wow. We have almost the same schedule- except for third hour. Well, it’s close.” He said. I nodded. “I can show you to your classes, if you’d like.”

“That would be awesome.”

He smiled and began walking.

“Wow. You’re eyes… color contacts?” He asked.

“No. Genetic mutation, I suppose. I’ve been inspected by so, so many doctors and scientist- it seems to just be a strange shade of brown.” I shrugged.

“That’s so cool!”

“Thanks. I’m glad someone thought so." I shrugged.

“So? What’s your name?” He asked.

“Demoni. It’s… it’s Fillipino.” I replied. “It means Demon. I was called Dem at my last school, and someone called me Oni at the one before that. As long as you don’t call me Demoni, I don’t care.”

“Woah. Why would your parents name you that?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Why don’t you ask?”

“They abandoned me.”

He faltered. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s alright. It’s custom of my cult.” I replied.

“A cult? What’s it called?”

“Drak.” I replied plainly.

“Woah.”

“Yea. It means dragon or something in some language. I’ve meant to look it up, but I’ve never remembered.”

“That’s crazy. Where do you live?”

“Oh- I live in a sort of… orphanage, I guess you’d call it. It’s where all the kids in my cult within 1,000 miles of here live, because, as they say, ‘birds of a feather fly together.’” I said, tweaking the orphanage motto.
Wierd. As it's supposed to be.
“How many kids are there?”

“Around twenty, in a single apartment building.”

“Woah!”

“Yea, it’s rough. Plus the ten adults who sleep there to keep an eye on us at night. But enough about me. What’s your name?” I asked.

“Adale. I’ve tried to look it up, but it doesn’t mean anything. I guess my parents named me that just because it sounds cool.” He said with a shrug. He glanced over at me to see if I was laughing- and laughing I was.

“I wish I had that name. Adale.”

“No- Ah-dale. A lot of people call me adal-e, but I’m a sticker for correct pronunciation.”

“A sort of pet peeve?” I asked him, worried if I offended him.

“Sort of. Most people just call me Addy, anyways.” He chuckled. “Here- Mrs. Cooper.” He said after a moment, moving towards a door. I quickly followed him.

“Ah, Adale. Just in time.” The teacher chuckled. She had brown hair, and looked around thirty. She had a worn smile on her face. “Oh, wait- who is this? Are you the new student?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I replied as she looked up.

She gasped- a reaction I was too used to.

“Genetic mutation. Let’s leave it at that.” I said. She nodded.
Eye color change?
“Demoni, right?”

“Yes- but please, just call me either Dem or Oni.”

“Which one?”

“I honestly don’t care.” I replied.

“But… Please, pick one.”

I glanced worriedly around. Dem? Oni?

“Just, call me Moni.” I said.

“I like the way you think- Moni.” She winked. “Sit… here.” She pointed to a seat in the second row, second to the back.

“Thank you.” I replied, pushing my bag farther onto my shoulder with a smile and walking back to my seat.

I sat in the placid orange seat. To my dismay, Adale- Addy- sat in the front-right corner.

“Hey! You’re that new girl, right?” The girl one seat up on the row to my left.

“Yea. That would be me.” I chuckled, turning my head away from her.

“Um… I’m the other way.”

“I’m warning you, my eyes…” I slowly turned around, and she jumped in her seat.

“Oh.” She replied. “Are you, like, a vampire?”

“You’re kidding, right?” I asked her, but her face was very solemn. “No. I am most certainly not a vampire. It’s a genetic mutation.”

“Oh.” She repeated. “What’s your name?”

“Just call me Moni.” I said.

“I’m Tia.” She retorted. She was rather lanky, with these startling, light blue eyes. Something about her eyes and perfect blond hair going to her waist gave off a sort of angelic sheen- someone who was obviously, categorically, without a shade of doubt, a cool cat. A queen bee. A popular girl. And I do not- I repeat, do not- intend to become or even affiliate with popular girls.

“I’ll talk later.” I hissed to her as a crackly sound flooded the room.

“Attention Silver Lake students and staff! It is time for the morning announcements. Please turn your TV’s to channel 3 and have a great day!” And with that, the recorded message ended and the rustic intercom turned off. Mrs. Cooper flipped her projector to the ‘video’ mode as a flashy blue and silver bobcat rushed onto a solid black screen. It roared ferociously, and ‘scratched’ the screen. Several rip marks appeared before the whole image vanished, being replaced by two neat, tidy children.
“Hello, Silver Lake Bobcats! It’s me, your host, Penelope Little.” Said the girl on the left side of the lab desk. She had stick straight unattractive brown hair and had a blue lanyard with silver edging on her neck. Her brown eyes stared at the camera eccentrically, as if morning announcements were her life in a whole.

"And along with Jack Jones,” She pointed to the small, tiny boy on her left who just stared, brushing a strip of blonde hair from his face and staring at the camera with fear-stricken hazel eyes, “We will be presenting your morning announcements. Please stand for the pledge.”

Everyone repeated the pledge- obliging but not overly happy about it.

“Thank you.” Amber said at the end.

“Now for your lunch.” Little Jack said with a tiny voice. “Chicken patty on a wheat bun served with a side of organic apple slices with 2% ‘CaliCow’ milk.”

“Thank you, Jack. Now for weather.” Ambar repeated with a smile. The camera turned to a boy standing in front of a erasable white board.

The first thing I noticed were about five girls dramatically sighing- and they had a reason to do that. The boy standing there was without a doubt the hottest man alive. He had dramatic brown hair side-swept to the side, with paralyzing, hypnotizing sky-blue eyes. He stared at the camera with confidence and a dazzling smile brighter than Addy’s. I stared at his picture in disgust. Something about him was just…not right.

“Thank you, Penny.” He said with a slight wink. Her sigh was loud enough to be heard from Alaska- which was, like, five billion miles away from our school in Deleware. Everyone erupted in simultaneous laughter.

“As you can see, it is predicted to rain around three thirty, so it is suggested to stay in the covered walkways until your parents or bus arrives. Unfortunately, the rain also cancels girl’s soccer try-outs. I apologize.” He was standing in front of a board with a picture of a cloud that had rain pouring down. Under the rain was a stick figure with a sad face.

“Thanks, Jonathan. This has been your morning announcements. Have a terrific Tuesday- and Don’t forget to wear your ID’s!”


Really liked this! No errors in punctuation that I could see. I hope you'll continue with this!
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:01 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hi MilkNCookies! :D

This is really interesting! I like the spin of the cult, not something you see a lot in fantasy stories like this and it works! I love the names, and the descriptions of the characters/setting. It's all done very well for setting the scene of the story and creating an image in the readers head.

in front of my was her home- the Drak Cult ‘Orphanage’.

There are a lot of times through this where the POV switches between first and third person. It looks like you made a switch after writing this, and just didn't catch all the first person pronouns. Read back through and you'll catch 'em. ;)

Let’s just say it’s naturally silver.

Breaking the fourth wall. While it can be done purposefully and effectively, it seems out of place here. This is the only place its done, so it sticks out. Consider rewording this bit so the "Let's" is removed.

“Butt in here before I tan your hide!” She yelled, her tired black eyes piercing through the girl. Her straight, exhausted and clearly miserable black was in a bun at the back of her head, with a wooden, faded pink flower in it.

There are two things here that confuse me:
1. The dialogue. I'm not sure what "Butt in here" means, or who "She" is. If it's the adult from the line before, then this doesn't need to be a separate paragraph because it's the same speaker.
2. The second sentence. I think you're missing hair after "miserable black", because as it is it doesn't make a lot of sense. ;)

The only other thing is the end of the chapter, where Dem and the boy decide to hang out. Their attraction comes across as really, really sudden. The whole "strange mysterious attraction out of nowhere" is a little strange and cliche, especially as it seems their in love rather than intrigued by the other. It may be interesting to play this another way, have him follow her home, have her follow him out of the store, have them awkwardly stare at each other for way too long and begin an awkward conversation. It just strikes me as odd that they don't know each other yet are going to just go hang out.

Also, it seems weird to me that she would just now be curious about her cult. She's fourteen, and has presumably been in it for most of her life. If she had concerns about the cult or what happened to her when she entered it, it seems she would have expressed these before now or have already found answers to them. I just don't know why she would wait until now to decide she was curious, unless something big has happened to make her wonder (in which case, the reader would like to know ;) )

Other than that, nice chapter! It's a interesting beginning to what seems will be a really intriguing story! Just clear up some of the little things, like the POV changes, and you'll be right on your way. Good luck!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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