Young Writers Society

Miriam skipped along the sidewalk to Hungrim Beach. She laughed to herself as people stared at the strange little girl. A man tried to approach her, but she slipped away from his grasp, saying, "Sir, I've got some very important business to do for the lifeguards at Hungrim Beach." He backed away quickly, as if she was contagious. Miriam just kept prancing and skipping to the beach.
She finally got there and sat down on the hot sand. Miriam watched the waves crash down, like buildings collapsing. Suddenly, she ran towards the frightening waves and was engulfed by the salted water. A nearby lifeguard ran into the water and began searching for the little girl. He felt a hand and pulled on it.
Miriam came up to the surface. She was laughing. Her head was thrown back, and she was laughing. In confusion, the lifeguard almost let go of her hand. The little girl kept laughing until the two had reached the sand. A boy approached her carefully.





Miriam laughed and explained to the boy:

The little girl searched in the boy's eyes for some understanding. There was none, but she somehow brightened up with glee. Miriam stood up and began "dancing". It was weird, those tiny arms flapping up and down. She thrust her legs in front of her, one at a time. She threw her head back and forth. She wiggled her nose and fingers.







The End.

It was a fun little story to read. I'm not really sure what I should take away from the story.......maybe it is simply that dancing is fun and I can live with that. The real question becomes how interested you are in this story yourself.

Thanks for sharing

I think that was cute! I could feel the liveliness of the little girl and it made me smile. I liked this simile,"Miriam watched the waves crash down, like buildings collapsing" because I wouldn't have thought of such a lovely comparision. I can understand Miriam's point of view and I could imagine her natural dancing.

I like dancing also, in my own crazy way, perhaps it's natural dancing as well.

I really enjoyed this.

I loved the way that we could feel Miriam's joy, her energy, and perhaps her insanity. I loved her carefree attitude, and I think you did a really good job of portraying that. The story flowed well, and the imagery was nice. However, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but the way that the dialogue was centered really bothers me. It's not... natural? And speaking of natural, I don't think the very last line had as much impact as it could have.

"Not to me! It's natural dancing."

Something about the 'natural' word didn't seem to flow well to me. Maybe... real dancing? My dancing? Just plain, dancing? I'm not sure. Your choice.

So, all in all, I loved this a lot. The concept, the way you showed things more than told.
Thanks for the great read!
-Dai

Honestly, this is a beautiful & joyful story. Also, It is well-written and has got some great descriptions.

> Introduction: I consider the introduction the most important part of the story because honestly, if I didn't like the introduction, I won't continue reading. Yours grabbed my attention, for it was interesting and felt curiosity for the girl's wired actions. So well done with that.
>Body: Her head was thrown back, and she was still laughing.

The little girl kept laughing until the two had reached the sand.

I object on the word 'two' because I don't really to which you are referring. Do you mean another lifeguard?

If you're doing those flips and turns, that isn't natural.

> I would prefer to replace it with 'these aren't' since flips and turns would count as plural.

I'd love to see more of your stories. This one is simply beautiful

Hey Kat!

Interesting story you got here! Before my critique, one question : Do you have a word limit?

So, for me it started off really well, but the end, it kinda fell short. You know, like it's going up and up and then, it becomes flat and stops. I wanted more from this story, becasue it has the potential to be one of those beautiful short stories that make you think.

A man tried to approach her, but she slipped away from his grasp, saying, "Sir, I've got some very important business to do for the lifeguards at Hungrim Beach."

This confused me a lot. Somehow, it seemed like the guy was a pedo and she was in unsafe territory.
If you're not going into the background details of your MC, just try to make sure that in the story itself, there is some solidity of her presence in there. When you say little, there's ambiguity. How little is little? She speaks pretty well and philosophically ( ) for someone in the 8-10 years range. (Or that may differ from my location to yours).
But yes, character was the main thing that needs to be worked on. Because she doesn't seem so solid. Like there's hints where her character tends to veer a bit from the image in my head and then, I'm confused about her age and all that.

Who is the boy? Why is the lifeguard there in only 3 sentences? Wouldn't it make better sense to make the lifeguard ask the questions to her? This sudden character seemed vague and I wanted more.

Nevertheless, good writing!
~Lava

Hi! I don't fancy long reviews, so I'll make this nice and short for you! I've made my corrections inbold

katngo73 wrote:Miriam skipped along the sidewalk to Hungrim Beach. She laughed to herself as people stared at the strange little girl. A man tried to approach her, but she slipped away from his grasp, saying, "Sir, I've got some very important business to do for the lifeguards at Hungrim Beach." He backed away quickly, as if she was contagious. Miriam just kept prancing and skipping to the beach. What is this, a pedo and an eight-year-old? Why is she alone if this is a dangerous enviorment

She finally got there and sat down on the hot sand. Miriam watched the waves crash down, like buildings collapsing. Suddenly, she ran towards the frightening waves and was engulfed by the salted water. A nearby lifeguard ran into the water and began searching for the little girl. He felt a hand and pulled on it.
Miriam came up to the surface. She was laughing. Her head was thrown back, and she was laughing. In confusion, the lifeguard almost let go of her hand. The little girl kept laughing until the two had reached the sand. A boy approached her carefully.

Why is this centered? It's not supposed to be centered.

"What's so funny? You almost drowned!" he growled.

"I didn't! He thought I did." she laughed

"These are treacherous waters-"

"No, they're dancing!"

"What do you mean?!" the boy almost shouted.

Miriam laughed and explained to the boy:

"Dancing isn't just swaying your hips or doing flips and turns. That's robotic. Dancing's more like actually feeling the movement in your body through your mind and heart. Dancing is natural. If you're doing those flips and turns, that isn't natural. It has to be your own thing. Like these Hungrim Waves, they're doing their own movement: dancing. The Hungrim Waves aren't the same as the soft and beautiful Carmie Island Waves."

The little girl searched in the boy's eyes for some understanding. There was none, but she somehow brightened up with glee. Miriam stood up and began "dancing". It was weird, those tiny arms flapping up and down. She thrust her legs in front of her, one at a time. She threw her head back and forth. She wiggled her nose and fingers.

"That's dancing." Miriam grinned.

"That can't be dancing! It was awful!"

"Not to me! It's natural dancing."

This story was cute and childish, showing the innocence of a little girl. Well done. Keep writing.

- Ariel<3'

Hi katngo! You said you wanted this review so… well… here I am!

First of all, I have to comment on the formatting… it’s very weird. I am not quite sure what you were going for, but it kind of made me think of those chain letters that I used to get in my email which usually had bright purple text. So, I am not sure whether this formatting is a good thing or not. Like I said, it’s quite strange! I think I would rather have the reader’s attention focused first and foremost on the text, and then on the other thing.

As far as the actual story itself goes, it surprised me that the adults would treat her in this fashion. I mean, she seems to slip out of their grasps so easily when I would be all mean and horrible and stalking to make sure the little girl didn’t drown or anything horrible like that. It seems a bit weird, that’s all. The way it’s described seems more apt to a horror story than a cutesy story, that’s all. When I first read it, I was of the opinion that she was some sort of supernatural being and that she would end up being a sprite or a demon or something… but I see I was wrong!

Also, no offense, but Miriam is kind of an idiot and that seems like a quick way to drown or be swept off at sea or something. I love the ocean and everything and I like to play in the waves, when it’s good, but when you rush out to the waves and the waves slam on you… it’s like being hit. And then, if you’re knocked down, it’s relatively easy to get dragged out… I am not buying it. I mean, if this were just a mild beach and everything, then maybe this would be different, but you describe the waves as being a force to reckon with in this line:

Like these Hungrim Waves, they're doing their own movement: dancing. The Hungrim Waves aren't the same as the soft and beautiful Carmie Island Waves."

So I don’t know if that’s the best thing to be doing…

Also, the ending seems really sudden. Not sure if that seems to be the best place to end. The story seems to want to be developed just a bit more.

Anyway! Just some thoughts from a cynical beach lover who has some rather dangerous beaches nearby.

This was short, but sweet! I can't understand why you've centered it though, it doesn't seem to have a point.

katngo73 wrote:She laughed to herself as people stared at the strange little girl. A man tried to approach her, but she slipped away from his grasp, saying, "Sir, I've got some very important business to do for the lifeguards at Hungrim Beach." He backed away quickly, as if she was contagious. Miriam just kept prancing and skipping to the beach.

Okay, I may rant about this because it sounds very... sinister if I'm honest. The story itself seems pretty light but as Ignorance noted, there's something not quite right about the situation you've just placed the character in. It doesn't seem very innocent, and leaves the reader feeling very disorientated, especially when you suddenly skip onto the next part of the story without offering any explanation for how this relates to the story or making it seem like it was important. Either add as much detail to it as you feel is needed, or take it out completely because it's become more important than you want it to be.

That, and the formatting is the thing you really need to pay attention to here. But keep it up!

Here is another review for you. Sorry I won't be able to review them all today, but I'm doing my best.
This was a good story, but it seemed distracted, random. My first question is, why is she weird? On her way to the beach, why do people look at her so strangely? Is it just because she is skipping? Because I skip all the time, and I don't think it's that weird. Especially for a little girl, no one would think it was weird to see a little girl skipping. Or is it because she's alone? Make it clear.
Also, why would the lifegaurd notice so quickly that she was in the water? It's a beach, don't people usually run into the waves and swim in the water?
Another comment, who is the boy and what does he have to do with anything? You should at least make him change at the end, add some more and finish with him dancing alongside the little girl. I think that would be a good ending. As it is, your ending is not a real conclusion, it's vague, it doesn't resolve anything.
I really liked your description of Miriam's dancing. Especially the squinching her nose. It was cute, and I was able to visualizse her dancing, it made me laugh. So, good description.
All in all, this didn't sound like it had been thought through much, so maybe write out a sentence or two saying what you want to tell the reader with this story, then make sure your writing reflects that. Okay, hope that helped. Keep writing!

I thought this was a beautiful, joyful story. The introduction was good and grabbed my attention. Just a few little things I noticed though.

katngo73 wrote: "Sir, I've got some very important business to do for the lifeguards at Hungrim Beach." He backed away quickly, as if she was contagious.

Why did he back away? Is there something wrong with Hungrim Beach or is he just a pedophile?

katngo73 wrote:"Not to me! It's natural dancing."

I enjoyed this line. It was cute and it makes her seem innocent in a way.It makes so you can tell that she really is a young girl.

I also don't understand why the dialogue is centered. It doesn't really have a reason to be.... Anyway you did a good job and I liked it!

Heya

Suddenly, she ran towards the frightening waves and was engulfed by the salted salty water.

Eh, already been pointed out, but the formatting is off. The dialogue shouldn't be centered, it's kind of strange looking. Also, I didn't think the boy's reaction was realistic. He doesn't even know this girl, why is he growling at her? I think it would be more realistic if the lifeguard demanded what was wrong with her.

"What do you mean?!" the boy almost shouted.

Okay, not my kind of story, but I'll just shut up about that. The character was supposed to be cute, and everyone else liked her, but I don't know...to me, it seemed too short to actually give me that impression and make me like her and think she's adorable. *shrug* Her little speech was cute, though. Keep writing!