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Buttons



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Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:53 am
mikepyro says...



Spoiler! :
A rewrite of an older piece I posted here, one that was ironically plaigerized by a writer here. This actually led me to joining this site. And yes, I realize the piece is somewhat similar to The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, but I wrote it before I'd seen either the film or book, which is of a completely different writing style as anyone who's read it would know. Not to mention the dialogue, story, ending, focus.


My father is a large man, larger than a normal man. He's very important. People say so but they don't need to. I can tell he's important. He knows so. He wears a uniform; a fancy uniform with big, brass buttons and a silver belt. The news says silver is hard to find. It also says soap and buttons are hard to find, but we have plenty of them here, plenty of soap and buttons. The buttons barely shine and the soap has an odd smell, but I'm clean.
My family lives in a small house. Not too small, but not very big. It's always cold here. Father says we are not to use the fireplace. We used to, but the trees have all been cut down. Mother can use the stove, but not for much. We eat from cans unless father comes back from hunting with food. That doesn't happen very often.
It snows a lot here. I miss Germany. I have no friends here. The sons of Father's friends are all grown or gone.

***

I woke one night and it was snowing. Across the field there stood a tiny, black building. I'd never noticed it before. It lay beyond the fences. The fences are sharp, made of wire and metal. Through the window of the building I could see an orange glow. Orange and bright. Outside there stood a line of people wearing striped clothes; like a clown's clothes but black and white. Sad colors. They marched into the building, led by a man wearing a uniform like my father. A figure passed over the light. The man in the uniform shut the door. Six soft pops rang out.
The shadow moved and the glow returned. Black smoke came out from the chimney. The door swung open and father exited the building with three other men. They spoke a few words and parted.
My father neared our house. He wore his gloves that night. There was something on them, something red. Dark red, almost black. He glanced into my bedroom window as he passed. I scrambled into bed and pulled the sheets to my chest.
I could hear my father walk through the house, his boots beating against the wooden floorboards like a drum. I opened one eye. Through the crack below the door came light from the hallway. My father's footsteps stopped. His shadow blocked the light. He stood there a long time.
I shut my eyes. I may have fallen asleep. When I opened them again, he was gone.

***

My father has a gun. A Luger, he calls it. It's very beautiful. Silver and black. He's a policeman, he says, and a guard. He carries the gun in a brown holster clipped to his belt. It's always loaded, he tells me, ready to fire.

***

I was walking in the snow one day bundled up in two coats. Mother said I should wear them both. I passed through the field towards the camp. The fence shined beneath the sunlight that made its way past the clouds. The black building stood beside the north fence. Smoke spilled from the chimney, not as strong, never as strong as when night fell. The smoke, the fires, never stopped.
On the other side of the gate a boy sat huddled in the snow, hugging himself. His striped clothes looked too big to fit him. He glanced up as I approached, just for a few seconds, then looked back down. I sat across from him with my hands resting on the fence.
"I'm Severin."
He didn't lift his head as he spoke. "Maxwell."
He shivered beneath his clothes.
"Are you cold?" I asked, removing my jacket.
"Yes."
"You can have my coat."
"Okay."
I tried to toss the coat over the fence. It was so high up. It bounced off and drifted back down twice. On my third try it landed atop the barbwire and stuck there, halfway free, halfway trapped.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's okay."
He wore a yellow star on his sleeve. "You're a Jew."
"Yes."
"My father says you're evil."
"Mine says the same about yours."
He held something in his hands. I recognized the dull shine. A button."Where did you get that?"
"It was my brother," he said, rubbing his finger across the piece.
"Your brother is a button?"
"He is now. Buttons and soap."
I shook my head, he wasn't making sense. I watched the smoke rise from the chimney of the building behind him. "What do they burn in the fires?"
He didn't speak. His arms shook.
"Where is your father?"
"They took him."
"What—" I began. There came the sound of singing.
Maxwell covered his ears, the button held between his fingers.
Across the camp, men in striped clothing emerged, ten in all, from different bunkers. From their lips came a song in a language I did not understand. The jovial song broke off as they approached their destination. They stopped in the middle of the square before a large statue of our leader. They stood side by side, like they'd rehearsed it many times before.
From a chain gate five men in uniforms like Father's approached holding rifles at their sides. They came to a halt about twenty feet away from the men and began to line up in a row. The men watched the guards. Six were Jews, their yellow stars standing out against the white snow and striped clothes. Many were scared. They had wide eyes that kept jumping from side to side. A Jew around Father's age stood still, however, with his eyes shut. He smiled. The men in uniform shot him through the head.
When the gunfire fell silent, the men lay in the snow stained red with blood, their yellow stars bright, eyes turned up towards the sky. One was still alive. He held his throat where the bullet hit. I could hear his choking. A guard crossed to where he lay, making sure to avoid stepping on the bodies. He drew his Luger and wiped the barrel with his sleeve, then shot the man two more times. The man’s struggles stopped and his arms fell.
Maxwell was screaming. He beat his hands against his head. I watched the uniformed men drag the dead into the building. The smoke that rose grew stronger.
A hand touched my shoulder. I turned. My father stood before me. I broke from his hold and ran through the snow. I could hear him calling my name but he didn't follow. I ran until the cold was too much. The camp was far behind, a dot in the distance.
I sat in the snow, my head bowed, and struggled to breathe. A shadow stretched across the ground. I looked up. A single tree rose, bare of leaves and rocking with the wind. The only one neither burned nor cut.
I crawled to the tree and huddled beneath it, my back against its thin trunk. I put my face in my hands and cried.

***

Mother wants me to wash, wash with soap. They force me now. I can't stand it. I walk the path near the fence every afternoon hoping to find Maxwell, but there's never a sign of him. He's gone. My jacket vanished as well. I hope he took it. I hope he's warm and safe.
The smoke rises from the chimney every night with that same smell. The fires have to die eventually. How much can we burn? I know it can't last forever, but everyday more buttons are sent out. So many buttons, do we really need that many?
Last edited by mikepyro on Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:08 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Wed Jul 13, 2011 2:52 pm
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Maddy says...



I'll start off by saying this is very touching. It's a heavy subject, and I like your delivery. Yes, it's extremely similar to The Boy In The Striped Pajamas, but I will keep in mind that you wrote this before you had even heard of the novel/movie.

Some things that I would like you to improve on is your vocabulary. I understand that the layout was intented to be simple as it was coming from a boy's perspective, but it's those "every now and again" words, often onomatopoeic, that really count.

For example:
I could hear my father walk through the house, his boots beating against the wooden floorboards like a drum. I opened one eye. Through the crack below the door I could see the light from the hallway. My father's footsteps stopped. His shadow blocked the light. He stood there a long time.


Becomes:

I could hear my father walk through the house, his boots thumping against the wooden floorboards like a drum. I opened one eye. Through the crack beneath the door a slice of light was shining from the hallway. My father's footsteps stopped. His shadow now blocked the light. I stared at it constantly- he stood there for a long, long time.

But in your own words, of course! Just try to freshen up the description.
I hope this review helped- and keep writing!
-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 9:37 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Reading this definitely evoked images from The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. It must’ve been a real bummer when you realized someone had already come up with the idea before x). You’re right though, this is a bit different, but the effect was pretty much the same for me. There was also one part that reminded me of Night, when you said something along the lines of how the fires always burned more at night.

Gosh I feel kind of depressed now after reading this. That’s probably what you were going for though.

I really loved some of the things you did here. The scene where the dad gets back from work and kind of stops in front of his kid’s room was really creepy to me. That was probably my favorite part. Also, the part where he throws his coat over the fence but it catches was really nice too.

If you wanted to make this a little more original and stand out from Striped Pajamas, I would suggest making a few minor changes. Like, I think if you made the main character a little girl instead of a little boy it would help throw off the images of the movie, while still keeping the story you have. That’s just a suggestion, it’s really up to you.

To be honest, the last few lines of this story didn’t really hit me like I thought they should. I thought if you would just end it with ’The fires have to die eventually’ it would be more effective. I just wasn’t a fan of the questions ’How much can we burn? Do we really need that many buttons?’. I don’t know why. It just didn’t feel like either of these were the theme of the story, so it was weird to end it on this note.

But seriously, I loved this.

I hope I helped!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
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