Young Writers Society

There's a place under my eyelids
where strangers like to drive their cars.
When I was ten,
I decided that their headlights were too bright
and when I saw flashes coming across my cheekbones
I shut my eyes as tight as I could
to keep them out.

So they brought tiny cranes and winches
and megaphones that they turned up and up
until I could only hear their cries.

"Open your eyes, or we will open them for you."

When I refused,
they shook their heads
and pulled me open by my eyelashes.

I haven't closed my eyes since,
and I've become accustomed to the lights.
But when I look in the mirror
and see the streets they paved in my veins,
the shopping malls sprawled across my chest,
I wish I had the courage to brush them away
and live on my own again.

Well. I'm confused. Good job. :p As on the grammar, spelling side, I didn't see anything. As I've seen you already had 2 likes...I wanted to give you some feedback so you don't kill yourself.

I can't say much since I myself didn't get this, but...

I'm gonna take a crack at this and probably fail! I think you were saying something along the lines of the open-your-eyes perspective and that somebody's pupetting or controlling you. Are you saying that people are taking advantage of you? You want to stop them but no you can't? They're making you see what they want you to? That's what I get from it, at least.

Haha, thanks for confusing me! :p Keep writing some more mystifying things! Good luck, and hopefully some more people review this one. Why did I have to be first? lol.

--Skis

Poetry and I don't get along... But this reminded me of a song and I'm not just going to put the song here because that's weird so I'll review this and you can listen to the song while you read this because you might as well do both at once anyway...

When I was ten,
I decided that their headlights were too bright
and when I saw flashes coming across my cheekbones

-The repetition of "when" bothers me. I think it messes with the flow. Also, "When I was ten," is a bit jarring. Maybe mess with the structure of this (sentence) to see what you come up with.

until I could only hear their cries.

-I'm not sure if by "only" you mean that you could hear nothing else but their cries, in which case you might want to switch "only" and "hear" (to make this clearer). Otherwise, "only" seems a bit unnecessary.

and pulled me open by my eyelashes.

-The use of "me" is questionable. Unless you were being metaphorical. Or you just didn't want to use "eye" twice. In my opinion, "me" sticks out, and "my eyes" would be better in its place. But that's wordy. Hmm. (and this is why I try not to review poetry...)

(Feel free to ignore any of that because I don't know what I'm talking about...)

Anyway, I love the symmetry of this poem. I mean, it even looks symmetrical (if you turn it sideways... -_-). That was great.

I got the distinct feeling that all of this poem's meaning lies in the last verse; specifically, the last line. I think this poem would be a bit more lasting if you were to show the reader what you're going to tell them instead of just telling them. When I started this poem, the first verse gave me the impression that it was just a poem, a story with some sort of insight. It wasn't until the very end that I realized it had metaphoric meaning. Because of that, the last verse pretty much got an "Oh" from me (that's not a bad thing, it's just that the change was very sudden). I think if you suggested that revelation, through foreshadowing or whatnot, the result would much more thought-provoking.

But I do really like this poem the way it is, and I don't think you can do what I said without messing with the structure completely, which I think is more prominent anyway.

Nevertheless, I liked the imagery and the way everything meshed together. Great job.

I love this. I really do. It reminds me of a metaphor; like, the narrator is Mother Nature or something. The confusion you give off is brilliant, and not like the bad kind of confusion. The confusion where you sit there and you're like, "Oh wow...what the hell does this mean?"

There's not much for me to say about this besides the beginning, where you have "when" repeated twice. The second time is not needed, I don't believe. :3

Keep it up!

"Open your eyes, or we will open them for you."
This doesn't match. Forceful people in a world where everything is just happening to you, and you reacting. I don't see this nor do I see how it adds to your poem.

Sadbox, the day has come. Let's see where you're at, moving at your own pace, time, and not listening to anyone else's demand to be surprised or impressed. I respect that about you, I always have and always will. Keep it real Sadbox and flip the bird to anyone that demands you impress them.

The poem, Urbanization, and...so I think you're such an awful hipster/indie fan. I mean you reek the smug condescension and satirical pungent musty post mortem skunk smell all over this.

I always feel like you're writing lyrics. The way you speak is meant to be sung, or spoken and with some sort of accompaniment, but hey, that's me. It's like Grounds for Divorce in some ways, I suppose I see you as a quasi/pseudo Bob Dylan Arcade Fire new world age rebirth of teen social youth vexation at the world and everything about growing up and change; namely disappointment in life and the realization we get older annnnd...where's the gold at the rainbow's bottom?

But no one likes a quitter. Not one bit. Age isn't the end all be all people make it; giving up is.

There's a place under my eyelids
where strangers like to drive their cars.

I want to like this, but I get the feeling it's pained and like pulling a tic off your skin: not getting rid of the problem. Most likely the tic has done it's job and you've got lyme sadbox.

Suddenly we get this idea of the urban world playing on the personal, the title creates the idea of the world changing from a state, maybe innocence and the title becomes a central player of the greater poem.

You know what? This isn't an awful poem, but it's stuck between being about an actual speaker and a metaphysical embodiment of some urbanized plot of land's disembodied voice.

Maybe not that, and that's too obscure. You're odd sadbox, you don't really give voice to anything in anything you write. You just create these elaborate scenarios that overlap and create themes and some interesting wordplay. What's not working right?

"There's a place"

^What?

"Where strangers like to drive their cars"

^ok, so without the literal personal inclusion, something is being over-taken by non-descript strangers. Mkay, so, this place, the only thing I have to visualize is the body of you, and the you is the only thing to visualize a body...but there's nothing to create the body. So when you start going on about veins later and stuff, I'm left thinking someone is being forced to adapt to a new culture.

I'm working way too hard to get this from the poem, and it's only two lines so far.

When I was ten,

Oh, so it's not a permanence? It's like a move. Ok, this deepens your problem: it's getting too much like a one trick body play symbolizing a metaphor; art imitating art. Yuck yuck, art for art's sake is best when it has a cleaner path of where it was derived from.

I decided that their headlights were too bright
and when I saw flashes coming across my cheekbones
I shut my eyes as tight as I could
to keep them out.

Their, headlights, I, bright, flashes, cheekbones...

And Urbanization. So where's the experience? See, this is why I say you write songs, you want to tell and show, but mainly tell orally. I need to get what urbanization is on a concrete tangible level and then introduce me to persona aspects like the next two lines:

"I shut my eyes as tight as I could
to keep them out"

But please, try to use more interesting diction? Your title is to interesting to get this sort of word choice.

So they brought tiny cranes and winches
and megaphones that they turned up and up
until I could only hear their cries.

Love the first line, and the second until the silly repetition. The last is obvious. And then this, I gotta agree with above comments.

"Open your eyes, or we will open them for you."

^Nope, too forceful without being surrounded with language that naturally creates this forced aggression. I feel too jarred with this, an unnerving senseless shove by a strange before I slap my suitcase full of bricks across their face (don't ask).

The rest of your poem then slowly concludes and leave a melancholic retreat. Come on sadbox, dig into the world of urbanization on a dynamic intertwining wired bound circulatory network of fleshy meat and brains, senseless brawn and waste filled lives, gritty runs and scoops of maggot filled happy meals.

When I refused,
they shook their heads
and pulled me open by my eyelashes.
I haven't closed my eyes since,
and I've become accustomed to the lights.
But when I look in the mirror
and see the streets they paved in my veins,
the shopping malls sprawled across my chest,
I wish I had the courage to brush them away
and live on my own again.

So, the end there.

I'm going to rewrite part your poem for you, an exercise.

Urbanization
There's a place
called a mucuous membrane,
a cell door
under my eyelids
where strangers now drive their cars.
When I was ten,
my conjunctiva flared under intrusive sun
and decided head-lights were too bright,
puffing like a marshallow full of blood
whenever I saw flashes creeping up my cheekbones;
so I shut my eyes tight
as lids on a manhole,
to keep the light out.

So we inserted a new element to the poem: make the people, the urbanization, symbolized in a disease of the eye itself. We are layering the metaphor of the eye into something with bit more depth. Specifically, pterygium is what I chose. Interesting connection there, though I'm not sure how it'll work for the rest of the poem, it becomes very inner after this stanza. Obviously what I have above isn't complete, much less whole, but it's simply an example.

Don't forget to give the full experience and really dig into it sadbox. Take a drink with friends at some coastal pub (do this sometime, nothing like it, especially in another country), and hearing the waves coming in while sipping your drink and conversing and chatting with whoever else is there, maybe even hitting on someone else for game. But it's not just that moment, these are moments in every person's life whose there, and they all occupy a space and they all carry something with them and will take something from the moment and carried something unique into it; we hope at least. The point is how we experience things and what we experience, it's always multi-layered and conflicting and multi-faceted, and probably completely erroneous later in life. Cool beans that.

Let's forget vanity and worry about substance more; I mean we're all going to lose looks one day, why not work now on being an indepth person?

K, have fun sadbox, and keep it real buddy.

Hello.
I liked this. I think you've got some great images.

There's a place under my eyelids
where strangers like to drive their cars.

While this presented an interesting image, I'm not sure how much I like it as your opening. There's an underlying angst here that I don't find particularly attractive.

I shut my eyes as tight as I could
to keep them out.

I did enjoy this bit. I can just picture a child, little 10-year-old you screwing up his face in defiance. Nicely done.

So they brought tiny cranes and winches
and megaphones that they turned up and up
until I could only hear their cries.

I won't repeat what MeanMrMustard said, but I'm in agreement with him about this entire stanza.

"Open your eyes, or we will open them for you."

I agree with silented1, this line just didn't fit in with your poem. It's too forceful and having it as it's own stanza breaks up the flow of your poem. It just doesn't do anything for me.

and pulled me open by my eyelashes.

Oh I like this image. It actually made me squirm. It's just so... uncomfortable. But it fits.

I didn't really get much from your ending. It just sort of wound down and... ended, you know? It didn't make me want to reread this. It was just angsty and regretful and it didn't do anything for this poem.
I gave you a like because some of your images were beautiful. Overall, though, I'm struggling to find what you're trying to say in this? It just left me confused...
I hope to see more from you, because it is evident that you have talent. Good luck.