I liked this short story. You followed the prompt you got well and it was easy and enjoyable to read.
I do have a few things I'd like to point out to you.
Heck your wife even managed to write off the car
This may just be my opinion, but I think you could do with a comma after 'heck'
said Matt “If only to save my sorry nerves.
You need a full stop after 'Matt'
How heartless can you get.”
The full stop here should be a question mark.
“Okay, Matt. I'll operate. “Just as soon as I've finished my sandwich.”
You don't need the speech mark before 'Just'
***
What an evil joke!
I know this contest comes with a work limit, and I don't know how close you are to the limit, but if you do have any spare words, I would like to see more emotions from Matt. I know it's a short piece, but the bit from where Fred picks the sandwich up to when he opens the theatre door is a little quick. I almost forgot where I was in the story. That can be easily fixed by more of Matt's thoughts or worrying motions. You could even just add in a short sentence about how time now seemed to have stopped. I know you had the awesome sentence about the snail pulling the carriage, but another small reference to time wouldn't hurt, I think.
I hope this helps you on your quest to shining in the contest! It really was great to read something of yours again.
Good luck
xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.
'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
Yoda! I haven't seen yu around in a while, so I thought I'd review this for you.
Like I said in the review I just gave Dudette, please try and ignore any typos or dodgy spellings you see in this review. I'm on a different computer from usual, the keyboard is tiny and I'm terrible at causing typos anyway, so there's no hope in this post having of errors at all... Please try and ignore them! Anyway, I better be geting onto the review!
I thought this was a neat little story overall, Yoda. You had uite an interesting sentence to ase your story on, and I like the way you used it. Oh, and it certainly was an evil one, haha. Even though we didn't see much of them because of the word limit in this story, I think you portrayed your characters well in such a short space of time. Like Dudette said, I would have maybe liked to have seen more of Matt's emotions, but that may be a bit of a hard thing to do because of the word limit. When it comes to grammar and all the technical side of things, you've done a good job overall, so I have nothing to eally complain about there.
The first thing I noticed after reading this has something to do with the ending where the joke is revealed. Basically, I find it really weird that Timy just, like, gets up and walks out of the door. I mean, when someone's just gone through surgery and been undr anasthetic, it's noramlly a little hard for them to get up and wander happily out of the room while fully aware of what's going on. Besides, when did Timmy get told about this joke...? He would have ben rushed into hospital, then put to sleep t be operated onstraight away, right? I mean there wouldn't have been time for Frederick to explain the joke he was planning o pulling on Timmy's father to him. I wouldn't think so, anyway.
Basically, I just think I'm a bit confused on the technicaities of the whole joke. It's obviously a struggle to explain fully because of the word limit, but if it's possible, I really would suggest maybe explaining how the joke acually worked because I didn't think a patient would be able to just get up and walk around after bein under anasthetic, plus just after being oprated on. Wouldn't it be hard for him to walk or anything after having the metal pierced into him? Then again, you don't say where the metal is actualy pierced into Timmy, but if it's anywhere like his legs or his stomach or something, chances are that he'd be struggling to walk straight away after having surgery. Just a few things to think about!
The only other critique I have for you is something to do with Matt's emotions, so this may be one that you won't be able to do much about because of that stinking word limit. As for the critique itself, I don't think Matt seems quite panicky enough when Frederick is taking ages to get to Timmy. I mean, if I thought my son as on the verge of death after being in a horific accident and the doctor who was supposed to be saving him was slacking and eating something, I would be going insane. I mean, knowing me, I'd be trying to find someone else to help my son or force Frederick into the operating room. Don't get me wrong because Matt was clearly frustrated by Frederick's behaviour, but I think you could enhance it even more.
Negatives aside, I do honestly think that this is a really neat piec of writing. With some extra bits of tweaking here and there, I think it could be even better. Once again, I apologise for all of the typos that are most likely to be in this review... I hope they're not to distracting or anything. Anyway, an overall good job, Yoda!
I was really excited to read something of yours again, and you did not disappoint. This was very well written and enjoyable. You accomplished a lot in a limited amount of words. I myself can't stand word limits. You worked everything out very well within the boundaries.
The technicality issues mentioned weren't really a problem for me. I see what Skins means about having Timmy struggling a little after the surgery. Again, not really an issue for me, but you wouldn't have to add much to appease this. Maybe something like, "He was pale and drowsy and limping a little, but he appeared to be in fairly good shape otherwise."
I do agree with the others about the way you showed Matt's feelings. It's not so much that he didn't seem stressed enough about his son being in surgery. You executed that really well. It's just that, you'd think he would be a little more angry at Dr. Smith for sitting there eating a sandwich instead of operating on his son. I think anyone in that situation would be infuriated, and I didn't really get any anger from him.
So, it seems I'm a bit late with this one, but hey, better late than never, right? 8]
I have a couple of problems with this story.
The most glaring problem is its lack of emotion, Yoda. oo It feels really flat to me, and this is supposed to be an emotionally charged story. His son's in the operating room, so what the hell is the surgeon doing talking with him? There's not enough anger, not enough anxiety, not enough fear. I don't feel it. I can tell (in a vague sort of way) that your character feels it, but our jobs as writers doesn't stop there, does it? Nope. We can't just have the characters feeling - we need the audience to feel with them.
(You also have a tendency to tell the thoughts as opposed to showing them. For example, don't tell me Matt thinks Fred is the best surgeon - show me the train of thought that goes with that line. How'd he get there? What comes after?)
The key with emotion is to have a sympathetic character, the kind your average Joe could root for. Sympathetic characters mean we have to see more traits - we have to see something we admire despite the character's flaws. I've never seen anyone rooting for cardboard cut-out or a statue, and I'm going to guess it's not an everyday sort of thing to have them root for one. oo" Your character will need to be dynamic and human, flawed and admirable at the same time. Right now, you're only showing us one side of Matt, so we can't really root for him.
Would you be able to cheer for a stranger you see yelling at the doctor? Not likely, although you might pity him.
Try to show me a little more of Frederick and Matt. I'd like to see their other sides. I have to say Frederick is several degrees more well-developed than Matt, though that's mostly because the audience is intrigued by the fact that Fred is so calm about the entire ordeal and seems to be treating it as if it's no big deal.
I guess that was more two points than one, given that I tackled characterization in the process of talking about emotions. >>" But let's move on to the rest.
Because your characterization felt kind of weak, the story fell with it. With weak characterization, the conflict will sag because we're not sure why, exactly, this is going on and why we should stick around for it. Give us a reason to stay, and present us with interesting characters. Given this prompt, the story is somewhat dramatic, but not too much. That's a good start. However, this was by various degrees overdramatic and underdramatic, the fluctuations being caused by the erratic characterization. oo
I understand that at this point it's difficult to characterize a character in so few words, and in such a situation, no less. It's not likely he'll be showing much more than his angry side, but the thing is, we reveal little bits of ourselves everyday in the smallest gestures. For example, a girl's waiting at the counter and she's impatient and she's angry, but her nails are well-manicured - that tells me something about her. Her hair is pinned up in a messy bun - another thing about her. You don't say these things outright, nor do you really mean to leak your character, but our personality bleeds into everything we do, so every single aspect of us betrays that. I want to see more of these small gestures from Frederick and Matt, and not the everyday ones like fidgeting. Maybe when Fred gets the sandwich, he nibbles all the corners off first. Or maybe when Matt gets mad, he rolls up his sleeves and runs his hands through his hair, messing up his perfect coif. Something, anything to make them feel more real.
Skins already mentioned Timmy walking and stuff being unlikely, but I do think the idea is neat. Perhaps editing the setting ever so slightly so it's science fiction instead would allow for that ending. ;] It's not plausible in our time, but perhaps if technology was slightly more advanced, they'd do things a different way.
I hope you find this helpful, Yoda (even if it came a month late >>"). You're always welcome to PM me or ask me questions in chat. ^^
Sincerely,
Jae
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“
So, this story is actually not meant to be emotionally charged and Octave's wonderful review leaves me trying to work out why it didn't come across as the piece it was meant to.
Matt is a little strange and Fredrick takes advantage of this weirdness mocking him some. The reader is meant to feel sorry for Matt for being weird while at the same time laugh at him. Anyone have any idea of how I can make this apparent without making it too obvious? The story is really an allegory to the smart and well to do taking advantage of the vulnerable and then deriving a guilty pleasure.
#TNT
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. -- Robert Frost
