Young Writers Society

Chapter One

The cold night air raced past me as we moved against each other. I was falling from the menacing grey clouds that overlooked the sleeping earth which I was heading towards rapidly. A thin bolt of light pierced through the clouds threatening to hit the earth with its powerful strike and soon it was joined by a low intense rumble which grew louder promising trouble. The rain escaped from the clouds battling its way past my frail body down to earth also my tears joined them as they rolled down my face to the edge of my chin finally parting from my skin when they got too heavy, as the tears kept on falling, they blurred my vision. New flashes of light appeared in the sky; more dangerous and aggressive than ever. A louder roar boomed from above me striking fear into my heart.

My back arched high into the air, almost as if the sky was refusing my body to land. I wanted the pain to stop. Pain? I had never felt pain before but yet I could cause it so easily.

Finally my back hit the ground. A loud crack sliced through the air and the sound echoed through me. I winced in shock from the pain. I gripped at the soaked grass and screamed out, letting my eyes roll to the back at my head as the pain grew stronger fighting against my body. The rain battered me repeatedly as it continued to plunge down to earth. I let out a groan and wacked my fist against the ground, the stretching pain in my chest was unbearable.

It was then that I realized I wasn’t the only one here. His harsh tone embraced the air, rising over the commanding storm. The wind carried his words to my ears but it was all a mumble to me. I couldn’t make out where he was until I let my head fall to the side; I locked eyes with his cold blue gaze and with this the flow of unknown words from his mouth stopped. His life was mapped out by the wrinkles that travelled across his pale features, his cracked lips opened as if he wished to speak but couldn’t. His grey hair played along his forehead just above his worried looking stare as the angry wind blew it around.

As the pain grew stronger through my whole body a new flash of lightning revealed his lengthy black cloak flowing down his sides and tied around his covered neck with a straightforward bow. He stood tall in front of a small brick church which was surrounded by a moss covered wall. The church had two large colourful windows either side of the arched red door where a tower rose above it climbing like a snaking tree into the grey sky.

My breathing became heavy again as I really started to panic. Why was I here? I tried to drag my battered body away from the mysterious man trying to pay no attention to the agonising pain in my chest which was getting worse as time went by, but my attempt of getting away were useless as the old man jumped into action.

“Stop,” he commanded as he started too sprinted towards me. I turned so I was on my bare knees. I could hear the tympanic rhythm of his approaching footsteps behind me. I let out a cry knowing that soon he would catch up with me after my weak effort to get away from him…away from this nightmare.

He came from behind me and pushed me down and I yelped from the pressure of this weight on my exposed back. New tears ran freely down my cheeks from my sore eyes as my head collided into the drenched soft ground. What did he want with me?

“I’m so sorry” I heard him whisper. A thud echoed in my ears as something hit the back of my head.

****
Darkness suffocated me like a coffin. Pain bruised my entire body as I tried to move, but heavy weights pulled down on my hands and feet. I was positioned on a cold damp stone floor; I heard something scratch on the other side of the dark room. Rats?

After a while of struggling to move because of the throbbing pain around my body I slowly progressed in strength to help sit my body up against the wall. It was then that I felt the soft material on my upper body and part of my legs, I didn’t know what it was but it was keeping me warm. I let out a long sigh as a fresh tear drop ran down my cheek. My eyes were sore...I didn’t want to cry any longer, where ever I was, I had to get out and for that I knew I needed to be strong. Pain continued to pulse through my body. I could still hear the growling of the thunder and the howling wind outside.

Another noise came from across the icy cold room so I strained my aching eyes to try and see something other than the darkness around me, but it failed, I had no clue what this place was and why I was here.

Time passed by in the dismal room but the pain never went and the storm continued its powerful rage outside. My body grew colder and my eyes became heavy as I started to slip away from the dim room into my own gloomy mind.

I ran as fast as I could to get away...but it wasn’t enough. He was tracking me. The steady beat of his wings echoed in my ears as he followed my every move. My heart pounded in my chest as my feet tried to carry me away from my nightmare. The ground blurred underneath me as I dodged the bare trees. Their branches swayed in the turbulent wind as their leaves were stripped away from them. Soon enough I was out of the whispering forest and running through the open space. I now could hear the rushing river in the ditch near where I was running. I kept running but I had no idea where I was going, all I knew is that I just had to get away. The wind was stronger now I was out in the open; it pushed me forward encouraging me to run faster almost lifting me off my feet. As I rounded the bend I could now see the ferocious river. I had nowhere to go but run alongside it, I didn’t know where it leads to, but I knew that soon I would found out. My steps fell in time with the beating of my heart. Sweat beaded my forehead making my dark brown hair stick to the side of my hot head. The river next to me speeded up; I looked ahead and saw that the river was falling off the edge of path in front of me. My pace slowed as I came closer to the edge of the cliff, I had nowhere left to run and I couldn’t turn around. My breath quickened as panic rose inside me. I turned my head to see him approaching me, his magnificent white wings rose up to the clear sky. When he saw that I had stopped he leaned his defined body forward knowing that soon he would get me. I turned back to the roaring waterfall, knowing that I had two choices. I could surrender and let him capture me or I could put up a fight to escape, and jump.

I was running out of time. He was getting closer and closer to me.

I stepped closer to the edge of the waterfall, looking down to my fate. The water crashed down into a small lake, bubbling as more water joined it, with its endless rhythm.

The beat of his feet replaced the tempo of his wings as he touched down on the dry ground but he didn’t slow down. He was close now and that’s all the encouragement I needed as I leapt off the edge plummeting down toward the cold water

****

Agony greeted me as I woke from my nightmare but I squinted my eyes shut trying to ward off the real nightmare awaiting me if I open them, the inevitable dread of opening them to the dark gloomy room I was trapped in was terrifying.

I was in a living nightmare.

Here to review for you! Post on some WRFF forums to get more reviews if you want them

Chelsea4827 wrote:Chapter One

The cold night air raced past me as we moved against each other. The menacing grey clouds overlooked the sleeping earth which I was heading towards rapidly. A thin bolt of light pierced through the clouds threatening to hit the earth with its powerful strike. It was soon joined by a low intense rumble which grew louder promising trouble. The rain escaped from the clouds battling its way past my frail body down to earth. My tears joined them as they rolled down my face to the edge of my chin finally parting from my skin when they got too heavy. As the tears kept on falling, they blurred my vision. New flashes of light appeared in the sky; more dangerous and aggressive than ever. A louder roar boomed from above me striking fear into my new beating heart. * throws connectives" use them!!!

My back arched high into the air, almost as if the sky was refusing my body to land. I wanted the pain to stop. Pain? I had never felt pain before but yet I could cause it so easily.

Finally I hit the ground. A loud crack sliced through the air and the sound echoed through me. I winced in shock from the pain. I gripped at the soaked grass and screamed out letting my eyes roll to the back at my head as the pain grew stronger fighting against my body. The rain repeatedly battered me as it continued to plunge down to earth. I let out a groan and wacked my fist against the ground, the stretching pain in my chest was unbearable. I would reverse the two words I highlighted.

It was then that I realized I wasn’t the only one here. His harsh tone embraced the air, rising over the commanding storm. The wind carried his words to my ears but it’s was all a mumble to me. I couldn’t make out where he was until I let my head fall to the side; I locked eyes with his cold blue gazeand with this the flow of unknown words from his mouth stopped. His life was mapped out by the wrinkles that travelled across his pale features and his cracked lips opened as if he wished to speak but couldn’t.couldn't or wouldn't? His grey hair played along his forehead just above his worried looking stare as the angry wind blew it around. I would add more description about the way the hair moved here.

A new flash of lightning revealed his lengthy black cloak flowing down his sides and tied around his covered neck with a straightforward bow. He stood tall in front of a small brick church which was surrounded by a moss covered wall. The church had two large colourful windows either side of the arched red door where a tower rose above it climbing like a snaking tree into the grey sky.

My breathing became heavy again as I really started to panic. Why was I here? I think you should put the bit I put in italics... in italics I shuffled away from the mysterious man paying no attention to the agonising pain in my chest which was getting worse as time went by, but my attempt of getting away were useless as the old man jumped into action.

“Stop,” he commanded as he started too sprinted towards me. I turned so I was on my bare knees. I could hear the tympanic rhythm of his approaching footsteps behind me. I let out a cry knowing that soon he would catch up with me after my weak effort to get away from him…away from this nightmare.

He came from behind me and pushed me down and I yelped from the pressure of this weight on my exposed back. New tears ran freely down my cheeks from my sore eyesas he shoved my head into the drenched soft ground. What did he want with me? Into the ground as in literally like pushing her head underwater so it goes under the mud or so that it collides with it?

“I’m so sorry” I heard him whisper. A thud sound echoed in my ears as something hit the back of her head. Darkness entered my world. Darkness is already in her world, as you have pointed out with the images of the grey clouds etc. Can you find another way of saying this?

****
Darkness If you are using this word in the last sentence up there^^^ I wouldn't use it here. It sounds too... repetetive. suffocated me like a coffin. Pain bruised my entire body as I tried to move, but heavy weights pulled down on my hands and feet. I was positioned on a cold damp stone floor, I heard something starch seriously!!!!! We talked about this one :L on the other side of the dark room. Rats? Wouldn't she be more appalled by this idea especially onsidering she's a you-know-what and more used to the idea of cleanliness? Would she even be aware of what a rat is?

I finally got the strength to sit my body up against the wall and it was then that I felt the soft material on my upper body and part of my legs. I let out a long sigh as a fresh tear drop ran down my cheek. My eyes were sore...I didn’t want to cry any longer, where ever I was, I had to get out and for that I knew I needed to be strong. I could still hear the growling of the thunder and the howling wind outside. What's the material? Is it holding her there?

Another noise came from across the icy cold room so I strained my aching eyes to try and see something other than the darkness around me, but it failed, I had no clue what this place was and why I was here.

Time passed by in my dismal room but the storm continued it powerful rage outside. My body grew colder and my eyes became heavy as I started to slip away from the dark I think you need a new adjective! room into my own gloomy mind.

I ran as fast as I could to get away...but it wasn’t enough. He was tracking me. The steady beat of his wings echoed in my ears as he followed my every move. My heart pounded in my chest as my feet tried to carry me away from my nightmare. The ground blurred underneath me as I dodged the bare trees. Their branches swayed in the turbulent wind as their leaves were stripped away from them. Soon enough I was out of the whispering forest and running through the open space. I now could hear the rushing river in the ditch near where I was running. I kept running but I had no idea where I was going, all I knew is that I just had to get away. The wind was stronger now I was out in the open it pushed me forward encouraging me to run faster almost lifting me off my feet, as I rounded the bend I now could see the ferocious river. I had nowhere to go but run alongside it, I didn’t know where it lead to, but I knew that soon I would found out. My steps fell in time with the beating of my heart. Sweat beaded my forehead making my dark brown hair stick to the side of my hot head. The river next to me speeded up; I looked ahead and saw that the river was falling off the edge of path in front of me. My pace slowed as I came closer to the edge of the cliff, I had nowhere left to run and I couldn’t turn around. My breath quickened as panic rose inside me. I turned my head to see him approaching me, his magnificent white wings rose up to the clear sky. He leaned his defined body forward knowing that soon he would get me. I turned back to the roaring waterfall, knowing that I had two choices. I could surrender and let him capture me or I could put up a fight to escape, and jump. *throws even more connectives*

I was running out of time. He was getting closer and closer to me.

I stepped closer to the edge of the waterfall, she was running on water at the top? looking down on my fate. The water crashed down into a small lake, bubbling as more water joined the endless rhythm, off the edge of the lake there was a tiny strip of water calmly flowing away. I don't think you need that bit. The imagery before was lovely and that makes it less dramatic.

The beat of his feet replaced the tempo of his wings as he touched down on the dry firm ground but he didn’t slow down. He was close now and that’s all the encouragement I needed as I leapted off the edge plummeting down toward the cold water.
****
he
I squinted my eyes shut trying to ward off the real nightmare awaiting me if I opened them, the inevitable dread of opening them to the dark gloomy room I was trapped in was terrifying.

I was in a living nightmare.

You're first review!!! Hehe
It was really good, just watch the lists and some verb confusion and you'll be fine Can't wait for the next one!!!
xxx

Wow... that was awesome! I love all your descriptions, and the beginning had a nice punch to it. I'm even the kind of person who likes to skim over things that don't necessarily grab me in, but I couldn't stop reading this. I loved it, and it was the kind of thing that really made me want to keep reading, to find out more about your main character, and to find out just what happened. There were only a few grammatical errors that really stood out to me, like a run-on sentence in the first paragraph, but that's not major. Try to be a little more careful in the editing, but all in all, this was great! Great job!

Hey there Chelsea, thanks for the request!

This was interesting, really interesting. One thing I noticed that Icy did not:

“I’m so sorry” I heard him whisper. A thud sound echoed in my ears as something hit the back of her head.

I think you meant 'my'

I'm quite intrigued by the play of her feelings and the thunder, the lighting. You brought the storm alive for me, nicely done.

The thing is, as much as I was able to picture the surroundings, I have difficulty picturing her. She was flying? But . . she was in pain? Did she fall to the ground because she was battered by the storm or because of her wounds? And the way you described it, I felt the man was on the ground with her, eye level. By wasn't she like face-down?

And when she woke, she kept mentioning how sore her eyes were, and you mentioned weights on her arms. Because she felt so heavy? Then I,d like more of a struggle then simply managing to sit up. If she fell from the sky, then was knocked out, she must be feeling much more pain than simply sore eyes from crying.

A thing or two you need to tweek, other than that it was quite good and interesting.

Thanks for the read!

Tanya

wow, okay, a lot of great detail, but don't go overboard. Lighten up on the adjectives just a bit. Vary your sentence lengths: they are all very lllooooonng. Your "new beating heart"? Are you an infant? What does that mean??? Don't overuse the word pain. Find some synonyms too. Don't confuse commas and semicolons, and, wait a minute... "It was then that I realized I wasn’t the only one here." Hmm? You just realized that? But you said in the beginning you were pressed up against him? "His harsh tone embraced the air, rising over the commanding storm." Love the detail of that sentence, perfectly restrained. Just enough to tease the reader. "but it’s was all a mumble to me." AAAH! It's was??? AS in it is was? Please edit grammar... Excellent description of the man (Para. 4) "A thud sound echoed in my ears " --no need to say thud sound, thud will do nicely. Don't overdo things, remember. "Darkness suffocated me like a coffin." OOH! Love that sentence! "After a while of struggling to move because of the throbbing pain around my body I slowly progressed in strength to help sit my body up against the wall and it was then that I felt the soft material on my upper body and part of my legs, I didn’t know what it was but it was keeping me warm." Wow. That is one very long sentence. The pain is around your body? Make this two, maybe even three sentences. Wherever is one word, and again, watch the use of the word pain. Also, "and the storm continued it powerful rage outside" should be its powerful rage. "The wind was stronger now I was out in the open it pushed me forward encouraging me to run faster almost lifting me off my feet, as I rounded the bend I now could see the ferocious river". Runon!!! Reread this sentence aloud, and then see if you can rephrase it with some commas and such, maybe even split it up. Watch the verb tense near the end. Okay, overall a very good beginning: could use some editing but it's all grammar and spelling. No worries, you're doing great! Keep up the good work.

That was interesting....

However I ended up with one thought running through my mind at the end... I do not want to live in my nightmares!

Keep writing,
~FW~

"The cold night air raced past me as we moved against each other." Who's 'We'? Her and the night air, or is there another person present?

"I was falling from the menacing grey clouds that overlooked the sleeping earth which I was heading towards rapidly" This is an example of passive language. Not incorrect, exactly, but wordy. A smoother way would be to write it in a more active form. Something like, "I fell from the menacing grey clouds, heading rapidly toward the sleeping earth they overlooked." *shrug*

You've got some pretty big run-on sentences here... Places divided by a comma that should be a new sentence of their own. Wordy lines in general. Make sure to vary your sentence structure. Short sentances and long sentences, so your reader doesn't get bored.

You use the word 'pain' six times in two paragraphs. XD Careful not to be too repetitive. Is there a way you can join some of these sentences together to smooth out the paragraphs?

Make sure to proofread. I'm seeing a lot of little errors that should've been easy to spot in a read-through. These can be distracting to the reader and take them out of the story. If you're not the best with grammar, show your story to someone who rocks and let them point out the trouble spots.

I'm a bit confused about which sections were real and which were nightmares. :/ Also, I think you may have forgotten to italicize the last part of the waterfall-jumping, because when I read it I thought it had suddenly turned into real life and she'd just joined her dream. I thought that was cool! ... But apparently I was mistaken there. XD

Not bad, but I think this piece could still use a little polishing. Tighten up the words, maybe give the reader a few more hints about what's actually happening, and proofread. Try reading it out loud, and see which places sound odd. Then fix them. ^^

Keep writing!