Young Writers Society

Jack had never been a patient man. Even with straight instructions to wait where he was, only thirty minutes later he found himself following a trail of blood that had been lost by his best friend.
“Damnit Nico, It’s always about your god damn kid.” Jack cursed through clenched teeth, “and on top of all this it’s raining!!!”
Small tributaries of blood began to flow from the main puddles making them harder to track, the swaying trees began to cause nausea, and the only thing Jack could think to do was curse the circumstances aloud:
“This is it!! The last time I help you out, next time why don’t you let the brat help out? He seems to cause more trouble than he’s worth!”
A shadow passed overhead and Jack nearly leapt from his boots, he quickly wrenched his sword from its sheath and lofted it defensively. No one appeared and Jack simply dropped to his knees in fear and frustration.
“Where are you Nico? Where’s Yodoke? Why all of this trouble for just some dumb kid?” But he knew the answer to that; he himself had a son about the same age as Nico’s.
Jack’s cries were suddenly drowned out by an ear-piercing shriek; he halted on the spot and stared into the clearing where the sound had emerged.
Boldly brandishing his blade, Jack advanced through the bushes.
What he saw he was never able to tell anyone; Nico Namikaze lay at the base of a large oak, blood flowing freely from the hole in his chest, still clutching his small son, barely breathing…
“Nico…”
“Hey…Jack…” Nico gasped
“Who the hell did this to you? Why?” Jack growled with less venom then he’d intended.
“It doesn’t matter Jack… my time has come…” Nico shook his head weakly.
“Don’t give me any of that bullshit, your coming with me. Leave the brat.” Jack grabbed Nico’s shoulder and tugged, he was answered with a roar of pain.
“Idiot… I’m not going anywhere, not in my condition.” Nico sighed.
“Here we’ll just get you patched up then” Jack said desperately ripping off his shirt sleeve and covering the wound with it.
“Jack you’re hurting me…”
“Almost done”
“Jack…”
“What else do I have in my bag?”
“Jack!” Nico managed to yell
“You can’t die on me!!!” Jack exclaimed
“That’s not my choice Jack…”
“Yes it is!!! You are the strongest man I’ve ever met!! Do something!!!”
“Jack, just do me a favor”
“Anything” Jack answered in resignation.
“Take him,” Nico held out his young son.
“What?”
“Protect him, raise him, be the father I can’t be”
“You’re kidding” Jack backed away
“No, I’m not”
“You’re on your deathbed!! And all you care about is this kid!!” Jack angrily retorted
“Look, at him Jack, he looks just like me. He’s already got my eyes”
“You’ve lost it.”
A silence ensued, neither spoke; the only sound was that of the storm around them.
“Oh…I see, you blame him”
“No I don’t”
“Jack please do this for me…”
Jack opened his mouth to deny when he looked into the eyes of the little boy, big and emerald shimmering in the lightning.
“Al-Alright” Jack nodded in agreement, almost mesmerized.
“Now Jack, watch out for-” and Nico breathed his last.
“Alright you little tyke, you’d better be worth all of this.” Jack gulped back his tears and set about digging a grave for his friend.
“Oh my! What possibly could have happened here?” A voice from behind Jack snickered.
Jack hefted his sword that he was using as a make-shift shovel.
“Get your scraggly face out of here Yodoke, I’m busy.”
“But that’s quite a wound there, what could have made that.”
Jack halted his work and studied Yodoke’s face, no signs of smugness, or murderous delight. It was the small cheek cut that gave him his conclusion.
“You killed him.”
“I did no such thing. But, I think I should take the boy.”
“You’re not touching him” Jack dug his blade into the ground blocking Yodoke from his quarry.
“Really Jack? You’re not fit to be a father, and besides, I have need of him”
“What do you plan on doing with him?”
“Let’s say I need him as a sort of jar, cage for a…pet of mine”
“You’ll have to go through me first” Jack shrugged
“So be it” Yodoke vanished, reappearing behind Jack, grabbing Nico’s son, and taking a swing at Jack.
Jack evaded the strike and answered by drilling Yodoke in the gut with his foot, sending the child flying into the air.
Completely forgetting Yodoke Jack dove and caught the boy. Yodoke merely walked up behind him, hand glowing.
Jack felt his insides burn, his vision flickered, and he was unable to stop Yodoke from stealing the boy from his slackening grip.
“So sad Jack, I didn’t really want to have to do that” Yodoke shook his head, almost laughing.
As Jack went under he watched Yodoke stroll away lazily. Just before he blacked out Jack muttered:
“Keitaro!”

Wow....i like where its headed because,well, i don't know exactly where it is headed. you leave me wanting to know more! so....give it to me or else. Some of it was just telling me what happened....you should show me....people probably tell you that all the time (They do with me) it simply means use storytelling not skript writing...some grammar (commas, just a few.) and some awkward sentences. sometimes i would be out of it (your story) and then you would write something and i'd get really into it....And Jack's reaction seemed too....i don't know...unreal. you got the crying, how about telling us how he feels, compare it to something...like he lost his heart as Nico took his final breath. they seemed like really good friends...and then when he asks Jack to take his son...he like, says no to his best friend...i know he accepts the kid later, but i don't know...work on it...if i don't make any sense its because i've been studying like crazy for my finals... boo finals....
~Skittles
P.S. Like i tell every writer "KEEP WRITING!" espescially you though because i really like this plot...i think....you still have to write more

Hello there Here as requested.

First thing I'd like to touch on before I begin is spacing! I think you understand what I mean by that.
So, on to the review then,

“Damnit Nico, It’s always about your god damn kid.” Jack cursed through clenched teeth, “and on top of all this, it’s raining!!!”

“Who the hell did this to you? Why?” Jack growled with less venom then he’d intended.

“Don’t give me any of that bullshit, your coming with me. Leave the brat.”

Right, as you can see, your story really needs to be proofread because there are many grammatical and spelling errors.

After reading this, I grasped what intention you may have for the story and where it's going. I like the plot so far. However, how you wrote this, I did not like. There is just too much dialogue and very little storytelling. So far all I know is what the characters were talking about and not who they were. Although it means well, too much dialogue in your case has rushed everything in your story. I want to visualise what you see as you wrote this, all of it. So describe the characters, what they look like, where they are exactly, what is going on (I didn't quite get how the other character got hurt), etc! Even though it is the beginning of what's to come, you should not deprive it of information. I would like to see more action and descriptions. So please, see into that. I think I've stressed enough on how lacking this story is.

“You’re on your deathbed!! And all you care about is this kid!!” Jack angrily retorted

One thing with speech is that you should not use adverbs because the tone of the character's voice should be clear in the spoken words themselves. Also, make a habit of using 'said' because it's the safest, hassle free word in dialogue. All these other ones really draw the attention from what the character just said. Another thing, like I've mentioned before, it's really not a good idea to have dialogue fill up the whole story.

So, I hope I could help out. Keep writing and good luck!

Hello Keitaron! Dreamwalker here with a review, as requested!

Alright so, because this is generally late, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Lets get to the nitty-gritty right away. The things you need to work on, that is!

1. Flesh

What we have here is a pretty plotline without substance. The basic 'I've got an idea and its good' but not the strongest means of putting it across. What I want you to do is try and keep with so much dialogue, but you really need to start fleshing out your descriptions and your setting. So much dialogue without real substance is quick to read but it lacks what a lot of readers search for in reading and thats character. I see nothing that would make me want to further reading this only because the character is weak.

That being said, flesh it up! Give it some substance. You'll have a hard hitting piece here if you do that.

2. The Static

A good way of getting a reader into a piece of fiction is to create dialogue that is believable, especially towards the subject matter or the time period in which it takes place. Because of the fact we don't know too much about timing here, we take it that this place is fantastical. That being said, you could go with any dialect your pretty little heart desires! The problem with this, though, is choosing.

Here we have some pretty static dialogue. The 'Why would somebody do this?' is really cliche and something you'd sort of 'expect' to be said in certain situations. Its boring and blatant and does not sculpt character in any manner. You want to take this plotline and make is sparkle. The best advice I could give you now would be that you need to really take your time and be patient. Rome was not built in a day and nor is a novel written. Just breathe, relax, make a good cup of coffee, and start writing from the heart instead of blurting out everything you can from the brain. It will come out a lot more articulate and eloquent than what we have so far.

3. Punctuation.

Now, I'm not usually one to stop and make a nit-picky section towards such topics, but in this case, I think it would be best for me to start pointing you in the right direction. You have multiple, reoccuring errors that could be easily fixed and or spotted out as long as you know what you're looking for. That being said, here's a couple rules you might want to keep in mind while you are writing;

The last time I help you out, next time why don’t you let the brat help out?

Here you have a spliced comma. This is bad. The comma you have here is put in place of a semicolon or a period which is technically wrong punctuation-wise. A comma is mean't to make a pause that is necessary in a sentence. It should not be a connector of two separate sentences of similar content, like a semicolon. Some writers forget this rule for affect. As a traditionalist, I hate spliced commas and what to destory every single one I find. Its really up to you what you would prefer.

“Damnit Nico, It’s always about your god damn kid.” Jack cursed through clenched teeth

Dialogue punctuation. A very important thing we must always remember about dialogue is that, in the case of directing dialogue description towards the person who spoke, the end of the quotations should always follow with a comma. That being said, here are examples of when it is and isn't appropriate to use commas and periods in dialogue.

"Lets go to the park," she said.

As you can tell, I used a comma instead of the period you so favour.

"Lets go to the park." She turned her eyes towards the boy expectantly.

In this case, one should remember that directing dialogue descriptions towards not what the person is saying, but doing, means that one should end quotations with a period instead. The only way one may get around this rule would be to follow up in this manner;

"Lets go to the park," she turned her eyes towards the boy expectantly, "so we can feed the ducks."

You are cutting the dialogue line in half by adding the dialogue description right in the middle of a sentence that could easily be on its own. That being said, commas are the appropriate piece of punctuation here.

“and on top of all this it’s raining!!!”

The last thing, punctuation-wise, I'm going to point out is that generally one exclamation point will get your point across. There is no need to overdue them. Use them when they are necessary but the idea gets across with just one. Adding more is just a waste of space and, quite frankly, an eyesore.

Overall:

Plot-wise, I love this piece. You have something very interesting here and I'm sure to read more if you should feel like posting any. There are some definite severe mistakes in this piece that need to be worked out, but nothing that can't be done with a little bit of patience and practice.

So PM me whenever you should update this and I'll be there in a jiffy. I can't wait to see you improve!

~Walker