Young Writers Society

So, this is for two reasons. I wanted to start a fresh new novel and drop most of my old stuff, and this occured to me, and I need (another) entry for a contest. Azilla's to be exact.

I got Urban and Blue so....

Blue


Prologue:

Mother always considered me to be a child. Even as I passed my seventeenth year, she considered me five. It was quite annoying. I was a much more adept witch, and she didn't like that. So, to get me back she treated me as a child.

Well, that was over. I was running away.
I had been planning for months, hiding away my food, and collecting everything in my tiny room at the top of the house. Mother never went up there, because it hurt her knees.

And tonight was the night.

My word is my bond, and my word was that I would never set foot in this house again.

Chapter 1:
I lay, wrapped in soiled cloth underneath a bridge.
This hadn't been my plan. My plan was to run away and create an alternate universe that was mine. But when I tried, my powers were completely drained and I couldn't do it.

And now I was forced to live under a bridge with the rats. Lovely.

I hadn't taken a shower in days, hadn't eaten anything much since yesterday. Should I go back? No. That was out of the question.

I huddled underneath the bridge and prayed to the goddess, praying she would leave me somewhere safe. The gritty dirt clung to my hair, clothes and skin.

"Blue...” whispered a voice, and i sat up.
A woman with blue hair was sitting beside me, and she radiated cleanliness.
"How did you know my name?" I said, sitting up.
"Just because you hide it from others, doesn't mean I don't know. I know everything there is to know about you. Your part of me. You’re my child."

"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you being my daughter. Me, the goddess of the water. And other things."
"Your crazy lady." I said, shaking my head and turning away. Cars whizzed past, mud flicking off from their wheels.
"You think so? But didn't you just pray to me?"
I was speechless, not believing still.
"Yes ma’am" I said, my mouth moving without me meaning it.
"Hmm... And now you’re wondering how I knew that..."

I nodded, praying this was a dream.

"Oh no. This isn't a dream. More like a nightmare. You’re not going to believe what I show you about your heritage. And you'll learn your real name."

I shivered, feeling the omen her words brought. "Oh yes Blue. There is more to you than you know..."

"I want to know my real name." I said, backing away.

"Oh no. not yet. later."

She held out her hand and nodded her head. "Come take my hand."

Firstly hi and secondly scrap the prologue and mush these two together because they just sound great. Your first chapter is pretty small, I'm just going to add, and with the prologue it will not only add length but it will also give a very good insight to your MC and her story. It also is a snappy intro that drew me in like buzzards to rotting meat. Oooh, bad analogy!

In saying all that, your first chapter also needs clarification. It seems that you're writing to quickly, so you're skipping things that make us wonder...how did that happen? This is good in a way because it means you have a lot more to write about. Cool, isn't it.

Here are some questions that you can expand on:

1) How is Blue a witch? Did her 'fake' mother practice it and then Blue just followed in tune? How long has she been practicing it and why is she so good?

2) Blue ended up under a bridge; how did she get there? What was she doing before she ended up there. Yes, she was trying to create a new universe but why land under a bridge?

3) Why did she want to run away? Yes her mother was jealous but expand on it a little more. Maybe not so much, but leave snippets of it through the chapter.

4) And why was she trying to create her own universe?

There are more things that need explaining but for now those are the big four that really caught my eye. Another thing I wanted to point out was that Blue's reaction was a little weird to a woman firstly saying that she's her mother and then saying she was a water goddess. Now if you ask me, if someone told me that I'd be running as fast as I can and would not look back. It's simply human nature, no one would believe that even if they do encounter magic like she does.

Wait, maybe they wouldn't be so shocked about the goddess thing but they'd definitely be wary about some saying that they're your mother. Like I said: running for my life. Try and make her emotions a little more real-like. Ask yourself, how would you react if someone said they were your mother? Excluding the running for my life I'd feel scared, betrayed, shocked and sad. Blue should also share some of these feelings because it'll make it easier for the reader to fall into her shoes.

On a lighter note, I really like this idea, in fact it is really drawing. The title is completely different from what I thought but it really gives it a cool kind of ring, if that even makes sense. Blue seems like a strong enough character as does her real mother.

Now that I think about it, how is this sci-fi? Sorry, but now that I think about it this story doesn't really show any signs of being sci-fi, yet. It feels more like fantasy. Sci-fi is set in the future, most of the time, and this to me seems like it is set in present day. If it is supposed to be in the future then make sure you point this out because this doesn't seem any different from the city I live in. In saying this sci-fi doesn't have to take place in the future though it usually has something sciency happening in it. Am I jumping the gun and there is in fact sci-fi elements later on? Yeah, I think so.

Dramallama, you definitely have talent as a writer. Please tell me when you've posted the next chapter, I cannot wait to read more. I probably should've mentioned that I don't do spelling/grammar reviews because I feel they don't help the writer. Good look with your writing.

Ciao!

Yes! Urban fantasy! One of the least covered genres, which is unfortunate seeing as it is also one of my favourites.
First off, the prologue is incredibly good, as it gives an insight into the story. The overall concept in a modern environment is pretty original, not like those regurgitated themes that you can find in most stories, something which I am eager to find within stories. As for things to improve, I thought some lines needed to be part of the other paragraphs, though that's just me trying to find something to improve on.

thanks for your comments!

DRAMA!
I L.O.V.E. this story, I truly do, it seems epic! Just one, teensy, tiny yet kind of annoying tid bit:

"Your crazy lady."

AAAHHH! I hate that! it's You're short for You are, I'm sorry normally I wouldn't care but I haven't been normal since I joined YWS...so. Simple mistake to make but very annoying, my English teacher would have hacked you up and ate you as a meal =/

Love the story! Hurry with the second chapter PLEASE! Love you!

~~Destiny110

Hai deary.
I'm not sure I know you but 'tis always good to make new friends no? So drama, before I begin thanks for the request.
I was going to start with grammar but decided against it as there's nothing really wrong with your wrong grammar wise other then more detail. So I'll de my general run over, give a bit of advice, I might add in a bit of suggestions as to what you should change and after that, I'll probably ramble. Hope you don't mind.

So, before I bore you, I'll get on to the review itself, after all it is what you're here for right?
Right.

I read this a zillion times. Each time, I read it, I thought I got it. But I didn't. So many un-answered questions is all I can say. You threw piece after piece of information at us with absolutely no background or detail, nothing to help us understand why or what you were saying. You tolds us things, rather then showing us, you jotted down mental notes but never told us what they meant and you lathered us in confusion, therefor I am now lost. Not the kind of confsued that I don't anything at all, just the annoying confsued. Like you've kept the bits we need to know a secret. It's so important to get your point across. I think, what you've done here, is forgotton that none of us are in your head. We don't know the little idea's are thoughts in your head that makes this piece make sense. So spill the beans, let all your ideas flow and become one amazing novel and for goodness sake don't leave us here in the darkness!

Now, your MC. We have basic information, for example she's a witch. But basic information isn't enough. Far from enough. She's a witch. Why? How? Where? What? Tell it to us straight but don't leave us hanging. The worst thing you could possibly do is leave us hanging on the first couple of sentences and on the first chapter. Don't get me wrong, suspense is good. Infact, suspense is great. But what you gave us wasn't suspense, it was just lack of detail and lack description. We need to know these things, we can't be lost on the first chapter! We need to be involved and in the know to lead us on to the next chapter.

Now saying that, I still feel you've got the ingrediants. You just haven't made the bread, which isn't bad yet no very good. I think that, mainly you need to start asking you questions. Have I given enough detail, have I let them in on what I'm really talking about? All these questions are so important and thats what'll help you improve. So, go gather up the loose pieces of flour, clean up the eggs on the floor and start baking! I don't think I'm making much sense?

So, moving on. Next thing, is kind of supporting what I said about detail and all that jazz.
Your emotion. Sweet mother of writing; where is the emotion in this? Does this MC have no feelings, is she numb? If she is then I'll understadn but... Ouch. This part of your writing really needs looked at. You need to let this charchter become 3D, because right now, she's 2D and very un-imaginable. Yes, we know she hates her mother, that is an emotion but... Hate is just a word here. Is it passionate hate? Is it unknown hate? Is it i don't really like you hate or is it not hate at all? Show us how she feels and why she feels it, give us imagery and words that broaden the horizons. Emotion, is so important. To connect to a person, you need to feel what they're feeling, know what they know. We can't do that because, well... there's nothing to connect with. Do you understand? I think I migt like Blue, but how do I know? I can't because I don't know her. Do you see? We just need more, so much more then what's here to be interested.

Plot. I was pleased with this. You've set us up for something to go wrong and to be honest, I don't know where you're going with this. But in a good way. You have so many paths to go down, so many options to choose from and I think, you've done well with it. You've really got the ball rolling. Be careful though, don't make it all too obvious otherwise we might know what happens in the end before you tell us. Make sure to add in a couple of twists here and there without confusing ehh? So, plot wise I'm happy. You've set yoru pace and you look as though you know where you're going with this. Just remember not to rush. Drag everything possibly out of your writing, don't skim over places where there could be another whole paragraph, fill up the space and show us the talent. Let it shine.

Other then that, I can't really comment on anything else. As I said, you've got the ingrediants but there messy, and dirty. Tidy them up and get baking!
Remember when you're editing to;
-Watch for lack of detail and description
- add in bucket loads of emotion
- ask yourself whether or not you've made your point clear.

So, well done. All in all, its good but very vaque. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll get it.
Good luck with all the editing!

Kagi <3

Hey! I just read your chapter and firstly thought there is so much potential in this novella just waiting to be accessed!

This was a very short chapter and it moved really fast! It didnt give much back story about her life and how her "mother" really treated her, i think it would be good to put into your novella about how she tried to create her own universe and how she failed.

And i would think itd be good to put in more details about her surroundings and how she got there.

Also I think the goddess just appearing out of nowhere was a little rushed, maybe she could feel a presences about or she could hear her in her head and she opens her eyes and shes coming out of the water?

I can tell Blue is gonna be a very well rounded character, but i would think it good to put a little more about Blue's emotions and her thoughts into her situation.

I still cant wait till the next installment of Blue, I can tell its gonna be great! Keep writing and keep faith!

i like the idea but you need to clarify a few points. you just kinda dropped on us that blue was a witch all of a sudden. it seems that your prolouge should be the beginning of the first chapter and that you should explain a little bit more about blue in the prolouge.

Hey Drama! I've got nothing much to review, so I'm reading another one of your stories. First off: I like how the title itself doesn't betray anything yet fits in with the story. I also like how you set up the story- how her mother treats her, the excuse for being able to make her plans, and her determination to do it. In the first chapter, I like how you start by describing where she is now, and then what happened. I also like how she reacts when the woman appears out of nowhere, then slowly accepts what she's saying. I think you have a very good beginning that certainly makes me want to read more. Keep writing!

(Mother always considered me to be a child. Even as I passed my seventeenth year, she considered me five. It was quite annoying. I was a much more adept witch, and she didn't like that. So, to get me back she treated me as a child.) These sentences are way too repetetive. You use the word considered twice, and say your MC's mother treated her as a child twice. (This hadn't been my plan. My plan was to run away and create an alternate universe that was mine.) Again, very repetetive; try not to repeat words. Add in more details and information instead. (But when I tried, my powers were completely drained and I couldn't do it.) WHOA! Powers? What powers??? Serious back story neede here! Provide some information before this to lead up to it. Let the reader know that this girl is strange, different somehow. (I huddled underneath the bridge and prayed to the goddess) What goddess? Who? And why is this girl praying to her? Okay, I know you tell us later that she is the goddess of water, but at this point the reader needs a little more to go on. Tell us why your character is praying to her; what is her religious background, etc... (Just because you hide it from others, doesn't mean I don't know. I know everything there is to know about you. Your part of me. You’re my child.") Whoa! What now? This was way too fast. Ease into it; have your MC ask some questions of the goddess, maybe throw some hints in here and there.... Just sloooooow down. Overall, it's a very good start. You need to add more detail throughout, and some backstory. Let the reader know more about your MC's relationship with her mother and why she wants to leave so badly. "She treats me like a child" is not enough. Anyway, good job; keep writing!

before I get into the talking I just want to get some editing out of the way.

I was a much more adept witch, and she didn't like that.

This sentence is all wrong. I think you meant which not witch. Witch is like the woman that rides around on a broomstick. Also the that in this sentence isn't needed.

You used considered twice in the same paragraph. That could turn a reader off especially since it's the first one. Try

Even as I passed my seventeenth year, she still though of me as five

You also need to make the reason clearer for why she was running away, other than the fact that she was being treated like a child. It would really add depth to your story

After the prologue things got much better. I really don't like the prologue. Maybe you can fit the fact that she's just run away into the chapter.

I really liked how you introduced the fact that people in this world have powers without just saying it. When you say she wanted to open up her own dimension it did this and started the reader asking questions. I can't wait to find out how these dimension opening powers work!

Overall I actually really liked this. I was just trying to be helpful. Feel free to not listen to anything I just said