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Sunset



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Sun May 22, 2011 1:42 am
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cupcake says...



This poem is for a contest (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/contests/viewcontest.php?id=22) so critique it as much as you want. I'm not quite sure if the grammar/punctuation is correct, please let me know what you think. All reviews will be appreciated. :D

With the sun setting
over the ocean.
Sitting on a branch
of a palm tree.

The breeze blowing my
hair behind my head.
The small gentle waves
flowing over the sand

You look into my eyes,
I look into yours.
That very moment
seemed to last forever.

____________________________________________________________
I was told it need more imagery. Is this version any better?

The setting sun sending rays of orange,
Over the calm clear ocean.
The gentle waves quietly splashing,
Over the soft sand.

Sitting on the branch of a beautiful palm tree,
With you by my side.
The light breeze pushing my long hair,
Back behind my ears.

I gaze into your wonderfully blue eyes,
As you look into mine.
This very moment is as perfect as perfect can be,
seeming to last forever.
Last edited by cupcake on Sun May 29, 2011 3:39 am, edited 5 times in total.
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

“I’ll Surprise you, I promise”
-Adam Lambert
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 1:57 am
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Matthews says...



Well, I looked at the photo meant to inspire the stories/poems, and to me, it seems as if you are basically just TELLING the story behind the photo. Actually, you're not even doing that...you're simply...describing the picture in simple, unexciting words. It's grammatically correct as far as I can tell, but it's a rather dry read. Not to be harsh, but you really need some imagery, emotion, SOMETHING to add to this. Think up a story for this. Think up a plausible thing that could be learned from this. Or even, try to add some depth to paint a clearer picture in my mind. Make it more vivid. Make it pop! Describe the sun, describe the ocean, the palm tree. Anything to make it less of a simple description of a photo. Good luck!!! Hope this didn't sound mean or harsh.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 2:37 am
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cupcake says...



Thanks Matthews, your review wasn't harsh. It was rather helpful actually.
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

“I’ll Surprise you, I promise”
-Adam Lambert
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 8:35 pm
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silented1 says...



The only thing I can say to your edited version is that the imagery doesn't reflect what I think you're talking about. The love you share with this person.

The imagery is speaking of the scene, which is nice and all but it doesn't tell us anything or help us relate to what you're talking about. Perhaps if you mixxed the descriptions of the surroundings with the person, making some connections to it, and then letting the rest connect itself. Based on what you already connect, we could continue that.

And be careful of words like beauty. It doesn't really tell us anything because beauty is subjective. Try telling us how you think it is beautiful.
And you may wish to try some similies or metaphors perhaps to help make this stronger.

Other than that, good job.

Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

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Fri May 27, 2011 12:49 pm
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Dreamwalker says...



Hey there Cupcake! I'm am soooo sorry this is late! The notification thingy was being worked on prior this week so I kind of forgot about my forum! But heres that review you requested.

Now first off, I would like say that the first, in my opinion, is better than the second. Its sweet, simple, and to the point. Though imagery is often essential with poetry, sometimes the more simplistic works are the most powerful, especially when you are trying to put across your idea in a manner that is a little more blunt. So thumbs up for the first. It had better flow as well!

That being said, I will critique the first seeing as it was better in my books. These are things I think you should look out for with this piece.

1. The cliche.

I adore the fact that you are trying to get across that certain emotion with the idea of the sunset. It could point the thought process of being alone ending with the sunset, which is pretty in its idealism, but at the same time very overdone.

Weather is interesting. It could show a various amount of different emotions just by using its pathetic fallacy. I want to see you try and strain away from weather in this sense specifically because people tend to use it very often to explain good things. We see weather as being a sharp image, but not an original one. For that, this poem came across as trite instead of impacting and lovely.

2. Diction.

I want to say that this piece was well-rounded but from what I could tell, your vocabulary is still rather simplisitic. I want to see you start using or learning words that are a little more interesting. Colours that tell more about this piece than primary ones. Words are our greatest tools so we should constantly sharpen them. Learn all we can about them. We are, as writers, obliged to be constant.

That being said, I want you to take out a theasaurus or dictionary. When you find a word that seems boring or redundant, replace it. Keep building up your vocabulary with extensive words like exuberance and vicissitudes. You'll be the wiser for it.

Overall:

The best way to attempt poetry is to, in fact, attempt it. That being said, I was glad you tried with this piece, but it seems more like a trial effort than an actual piece of poetry. There was a lot that lacked; a lot of the same old cliched bits. We want to be original in ourselves so first we must come up with something of a more original thought-process, whether based on a picture or not. I want to see you thinking not about the situation but the emotion. Not about the facts but about the things of which could be explained in a more whimsical, enjoyable outlook.

You have the makings of doing something interesting with your work. I see that you have the passion to do it. Just, as a fellow writer and one of which also has trouble with poetry, I will say that the best thing you can do is build on what you have. Don't think, for a second, that you're fine at the point you are. No writer, no matter how amazing they may appear, can better themselves. There are thousands of words to choose from. Choose wisely.

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Sat May 28, 2011 2:21 pm
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Rydia says...



Hey there! I'm going to give you a few comments for the first poem as I think with the second you've taken some good advice but not done it justice. The imagery you've added is cliche and instead of expanding the poem, it weighs it down and damages your flow.

The first lesson of poetry is that every word counts and has to be chosen carefully because you get so few so when you add imagery, it has to aid the poem. Your images should be fresh and imaginative so you might want to practice describing things in unique ways before editting your poem. Just take a pen and paper, pick a random object or a feeling or a scene and brainstorm on what it makes you think of. Write down everything, even those random ideas that don't seem to match up. And once you run out of obvious ways to describe it, that's when the task gets interesting ;) Alright then, the poem!

With the sun setting, [No need for a comma here. And you shouldn't capitalise all the first letters. That works well in structured poetry such as sonnets where it's pretty much a necessity but in modern poetry, it's considered old fashioned. Only capitalise as you would in prose or when you want to give a particular effect.]
Over the ocean.
Sitting on a branch, [Again, no need for the comma.]
Of a palm tree. [What you have here is two unconnected snap shots from a scene. They're fragments. They don't give the reader a thorough back-drop and as far as wording goes, they're boring.]

The breeze blowing my
Hair behind my head.
The small gentle waves, [Here is somewhere you could do something cool. Instead of cutting the line at waves, you should have cut it at 'flowing over' and then left it without a comma - we call this enjambement - so that the structure of the poem emphasised the words. In that, the words are flowing over your lines ^^]
Flowing over the sand

You look into my eyes,
I look into yours.
That very moment,
seemed to last forever. [Awwww so sweet! Yeah, this is a cliche and it's not made particularly interesting. Your reader is looking to be entertained, not to be told something they've heard a thousand times before and in better ways.]

Alright so this is probably coming across as harsh for which I apologise. You're new to poetry so it's natural that your first attempts won't be amazing and that's not something you should feel bad about! My advise is to go away, read some poetry and try a few things like the task I suggested earlier. That should get you thinking in a more poetic way. Also, I've picked out a very nicely written article. It's by a member on this site called Hannah and she gives some excellent advice about how to use literary devices in poetry. Yours could do with a few of those so check it out!

I hope this helps you a little and good luck, happy writing!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Sat May 28, 2011 8:14 pm
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tinkembell says...



Aww, I liked this, it was kind of simple, but sweet. Matthews is right though, all you've really done is describe the picture, which was great, but I think you could do with a lot more originality, maybe take some time to really look at the picture, and write down not what you see, but what you sort of see behind it, the stories and events that could play out in that scene and your feelings, and hey presto! You've got something to write about ^_^

My only nitpick that hasn't been mentioned with what you've got, is that you are looking and then suddenly it's already happened in the line 'seemed to last forever'

As for the title, if you plan on sticking with this (ultimately it's your desicion) then try using a fragment of a line in the poem, or dressing the word up, e.g 'painted sunset'

Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem :)
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Sun May 29, 2011 3:37 am
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cupcake says...



Thanks so much for your reviews! :D I really appreciate it.
Dreamwalker, I know the language I use in my poetry is rather simple, I do have a much wider vocabulary but I just have to find a way of using it in my poems.
Kitty15, the article was very helpful, I'll try using those techniques in my poetry in the future. I'll fix the punctuation in a minute.
Tinkembell, I'll try editing it again and thanks for the help with the title.
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

“I’ll Surprise you, I promise”
-Adam Lambert
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 1:20 pm
Ignatius5453 says...



The first one really conveyed a message, the edited one drew a picture where the the message was erased, it would be cool if you could find a happy medium, then the poem would be outstanding. Good job, and for a different title, I would have titled it: A Moment Like This, but that would have been if it was my poem. Excellent job! Keep Writing!
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Sun May 29, 2011 5:37 pm
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Justagirl says...



The first is great, but the second is even better.

1. (The first)
The flow of this one is very nice. But, yes, it does need more imagery. There is plenty of emotion, thought, and that almost makes up for not having the imagery.
I saw no grammatical errors.

2. (The second)
The flow of this one is definitely not as good as the first, although the imagery (especially the second line) is beautiful. The thing that interrupts the flow is how long the lines are.
In this one there are also no grammatical errors (yay).

Great job on both!

Keep writing,
Alzora
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Mon May 30, 2011 6:39 am
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cupcake says...



Thanks so much for the help guys.
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

“I’ll Surprise you, I promise”
-Adam Lambert
  








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