Young Writers Society

I sat quietly, typing notes as quick as my hands would allow, which was only fast enough to stay two sentences behind my professor. Those two sentences became three, then four, five and the lecture ended. I need a new computer.

My computer was a flat, clear skin that could roll up like paper or fold to slip into your pocket. Touch screen and everything. It was almost five years old and annoying to use. It was designed to look like computers from the early 21st century, very retro. What I really wanted was a v-comp, a new model of computer that you could wear over your eyes like sunglasses, albeit wrap-around ones. You could use one if you underwent a quick, five minute, operation to get new brain chip. Painless. I was one of the few who didn’t have a v-comp.

I ran out of the building as fast as possible. The sun beat down through the clear dome over the cocoon, a term coined to replace “city.” It was dangerous to leave the cocoon, the pollutants humans back in the 20th and 21st century created would take hundreds of years to be removed by workers. In the cocoon, we were safe from that sort of thing. We were self-sufficient.

I snagged the bus, hovering a few inches above the grass. Magnetic strips illuminated its underbelly. Fifty years ago, humans building the first cocoons had made grids of steel and buried them under the ground. Whatever, it made it easier to get around. The bus sped all the way to the stop a block from my house. I didn’t say a word to anyone, but I did listen into someone talking about the new VR game Universal. I felt jealous as I hopped off the bus.

The moment I returned home, my sister Dianna -two years my senior- stole my notes and began inputting typing them into her own v-comp as I lay down on my bed. The visor computer was the newest model, one only had to think and let the information record in its expansive memory. I left her to it and dug out my headset, a monstrosity that looked like something from a 21st century mecha comic. I pulled it over my head and logged into New Ages.



Online, in New Ages

I, an elfin mage, stood poised and ready to aim my newest treasure, Consuming Inferno, a mage’s staff designed to handle even high level fire attacks. It had taken much coercing on my part to influence my human husband to buy it for me. I was using said husband as my warrior shield while I leveled by attacking the hill giants surrounding us. My sister, an elfin halfling, logged on and teleported to my side.

“Really, Swan, I should have suspected as much. Immortal Fire, how long has she been using you as a meat shield?”

“I don’t really mind.” He sliced the leg off an extremely pissed off giant. “She’s my wife after all.” He ducked to avoid a fatal punch. “Mind pitching in an arrow or two Deanne?”

Deanne giggled. She strung her bow, nocked an arrow and let it fly. It struck one of the giants between the eyes and it fell, dead.

Within minutes, all the giants had been dispatched. I high-fived Deanne with a loud slap! Though this would cause pain in reality, in the game, the physical senses were numbed slightly. There was only the faintest trace of smell. It was a game with 85% realism, but 85% can seem like so little when you know there’s something better out there.

“Hurry up or the bodies are going to disappear on us,” Fire cautioned. His gray armour was splattered with blue blood, it was quite a spectacle. Deanne and I started laughing at him when everything went black.



Christen’s Room

I was ejected from the game and I jumped up from the bed with a start. Dianna lifted her own set from her face and gave me an odd look. “Hey, it wasn’t me,” I protested.

I glanced into my headset and read the notice. “This MMORPG has been hereby terminated as it not longer meets quality standards. To apologize for the short notice the company will provide the new game Universal free of charge.”

“Well, this sucks,” I muttered. I was annoyed. It had taken me ages to get to level 90 and to get Consuming Inferno! They couldn’t replace all that work…but…Universal had just hit the shelves the week before. I mean, they were giving me a free copy! Who could pass up?

Dianna shrugged, a graceful gesture. “You’ll be back online soon. Are you that eager to see Fire? You’ve been apart a whole day after all.” She winked suggestively.

“Shut up,” I groaned, but I grinned anyway. This was normal for us. We could talk for hours and say nothing. She wasn’t the nagging type.

Sure enough, within the next five minutes, an icon popped up in the right corner of my visor. Universal was now loaded into my visor and ready to play. I smiled at Dianna. She shrugged and left the room, probably to lie in her own bed to log in. It had been worth getting the brain implant necessary to use the headset. The entire gaming system was in one nearly microscopic chip, completely portable and the realism of the games could top the charts at 99% by hacking right into your mind. I smiled to myself as the game opened and sucked me into it.



Online, in Universal

Blackness and vast empty space were all I was aware of for the moment before I slammed into a relatively small white walled room with a large orb suspended in the middle. A short woman in a tight fitting gray jumpsuit stood inside. Her eyes were glassy, an NPC for character creation. Two large poles came out of the ground and slowly revolved around me, projecting a blue light onto my skin. It was all for show. The system was just loading my physical information from my implant. This way I would be recognizable in the game to other people.

The poles retracted, signaling that the loading had finished. I sighed; I almost didn’t want every character to have my face. By the game’s rules, I could only tweak it so much.

The NPC smiled and I realized how pretty she was. I was quite jealous. I would have much preferred her face on my avatar if I could have had it. She gestured vaguely towards an empty wall in the room. I blinked and where there had once been a white wall there were innumerable numbers of different species options ranging from strange elementals with half physical forms to beasts, celestials and halfings.

I stood still for a moment with my mouth hanging open. New Ages had had the largest selection of species when it had first been developed. Universal’s put it to shame. I slowly started to walk along the wall, eliminating possibilities by drawing an X across their bodies. Elementals? Gone. Beasts? Gone too. Halfings? Absolutely not! By the time I was finished the only remaining two were the Dark Elves and Celestials.

I glanced up at the NPC. “Can I see myself as both a Dark Elf and Celestial?”

“Certainly,” she replied from her perch in a high, clear voice. A second later, I watched myself open my eyes from both selections. I decided my features looked odd with dark skin and picked Celestial, I looked prettier that way. It was a change too; I had always been an elf before.

The NPC eliminated the Dark Elf and the Celestial smiled at me, as if she was happy to have been picked. I smiled back through force of habit. Her wings now splayed out, a good ten foot wingspan, and I could see they were brushed with a light purple colour.

A huge panel appeared in the air before me, asking me to proceed with her minor physical details such as hair and eye colour. I flicked though the colours carefully, selecting a gold shade for her eyes and a medium purple for her hair. I lengthened it until it reached her knees at the back and cut it so the front framed her face with long bangs and just-over-shoulder length at the sides. I adjusted my face the tiny percentage it would allow and made it somewhat cat-like.

The clothes took the longest. When I was through, she wore knee length soft black boots, a short strapless black dress with a dark blue vest-like thing over top and held together at the waist by black bodice. Covering her arms was a pair of long black sleeves that didn’t quite reach her shoulders. As an afterthought, I put two small slits in the dress to allow for more movement. The Celestial smiled at me and nodded happily as I closed the appearance interface.

The NPC nodded as well before the name selection option appeared. I pondered for a moment what my name could be before the NPC interrupted me with, “You are only allowed to have a single character. This is for the purpose of keeping the realism as high as possible. Please be certain of any of your choices as they cannot be changed later on.”

I scowled at it, but it somehow gave me an idea. I was reminded of Pandora, the mythical first woman who had opened a box made by Zeus to sabotage man. It had only been her curiosity, something the NPC lacked. I opened my mouth and spoke clearly, “Pandora.”

The NPC nodded and asked me if I wanted to make any changes. I shook my head and it smiled again before overlapping my Celestial with me and sending me out into the game world.



I hit the ground with a hard thud and stumbled. I placed my hands on my naked thighs for support as I gained my bearings. I felt a soft breeze blow through my very long hair, much longer than my real hair, but it felt real. It was real. I touched a tree and felt every ridge and break in the bark like it was a real tree. The texture and hardness was perfect. I drew my hand back in surprise as the smells began to hit my nose. Alien flowers and the scent of cooking food wafted on the breeze.

I snapped back to attention when I heard the giggling of other players. Dianna would be finishing her own character soon if she hadn’t already. I felt an instinctive desire not to be recognized by her. Almost the moment that thought surfaced, I felt a sharp pang in my chest. Immortal Fire had been my in-game-husband for more than a year but if Dianna didn’t recognize me, he certainly wouldn’t either.

I shoved my negativity out of my mind and made a mental note to buy a mask to cover the lower half of my face. I stayed away from the voices as I trekked in the direction of the newbie town, according to the starting area map. An electronic voice chirped in as I closed it that this option would only be available until I left the newbie village.

I was fishing through my vest pockets for any beginner items often handed out free to new players. I had discovered a small knife when I stumbled across a pack of giant rats. They turned to me and made strange hissing and squeaking sounds. Their fang-filled mouths dripped with saliva and their beady eyes fixated on me. I stepped back in surprise, not sure what to do. Normally I could have run and picked them off with a few spells. I couldn’t now.

They advanced slowly at first but soon I felt my back press up against a tree during my instinctual retreat. I cursed as the first rat, the size of a large dog, reared back and lunged for my throat.

I dodged right partially, enough that it only seized my left arm in its jaws. I gasped in pain. It burned right down to the bone, every nerve screaming. Somehow, my right hand found the knife hilt and slashed at the rat’s face. Reacting to its own pain it released my arm. The knife found its throat and sliced it clean open. Its blood quickly soaked its fur as it fell, dead, to the ground.

The other rats squealed but didn’t flinch in the slightest. Bad for them, I had found my fighting stomach and some inborn ability with a blade. I dispatched two by splitting open their stomachs and the last one by crushing its skull when my knife was stuck in one of the other’s ribs.

When I was finished, I was bathed in rat blood and panting. I somehow managed to yank the knife out of the one rat and wipe off the red stains before replacing it in my vest pocket. Shaking, I slowly picked up my rewards from the four kills; a hundred copper coins and their skins. I smiled; the actions had calmed me down considerably.

I almost wished for the numbness from New Ages. With 99% realism, the game would tell the chip in your brain that you had indeed been bitten and your body responded by forcing you to feel the pain. Nerves suck sometimes.

After stashing my hard won prizes in the game’s virtual backpack, I ran the rest of the way to the newbie village. Heads turned to stare at the spectacle I most certainly was as I ran towards the tannery. The NPC minding the counter stared at me as well as my nose wrinkled from the horrid stench of cured hides. I put the rat skins in the counter with a sigh, was quickly paid and I left as soon as possible.

I washed off the worst of the blood in the town’s fountain after I bought a black silk lower-face mask that hid my neck to my nose, revealing only my sharp gold eyes, which appeared amber in the sunlight. I sighed, wringing out my hair as my stomach rumbled. Another new thing in Universal, your character needed refueling when it exerted itself. A weird concept, but one that was interesting. I glanced around guiltily, hoping no one had heard. I lowered my head and half ran into a small restaurant where I could smell cooking meat. I ordered a plate of meat buns and noodles and dug in happily before I heard someone chuckling behind me.

I turned around after replacing my mask. The first thing I recognized was the eyes; a deep blue that turned violet by firelight and danced when he laughed. My gut clenched as my own eyes refocused to include his entire face…well, at least what wasn’t covered by his long shaggy brown hair. The only other things to escape were his mouth and a set of large and most certainly canine ears on the top of his head. The familiar lopsided smile appeared fierce with a few long and sharp teeth protruding.

A beast.

Beasts were the strongest of all avatar options besides stone elementals. Their brute strength was easily their best asset. They were a popular choice for men and boys in games as they could even hide the person’s identity if one chose to do so. It made finding an in-game wife much easier. Obviously, the one I had known as “Immortal Fire” hadn’t chosen for much more than a brush of bestial attributes. No one else carried himself like that, had that peculiar laugh that sounded like it was in the back of his throat, and had such an honest smile. I stopped there, before I began to wax sentimental.

As I stared, I wondered first if he recognized me, and then if he had been looking for “Swan Princess,” the elfin mage I had been. My wings twitched nervously, I had just registered their presence, all folded in on my back. I pulled them into my body, somehow, so they were no longer out where I might accidentally break something.

“Immortal Fire” I still thought of him as. He stopped laughing and stared back with the lopsided grin on his face. He evaluated me, I could tell. The way his eyes flitted everywhere quickly told me he was scanning for the possibility of a threat. When he was done, he looked me right in the eye with absolutely no recognition in his eyes. Part of me felt incredibly disappointed and another felt relieved.

He waved me over to his table with a casual gesture that I gladly accepted. When I sat down after scarfing down the rest of my meal, he opened the conversation. “I thought you were someone else before, sorry if I bothered you.”

A lump rose in my throat. I felt guilty for fooling him, even if it was unintentional and half his fault anyway. “It’s alright,” I shrugged, trying to seem casual. With my voice slightly muffled by the mask, I barely recognized my own voice. I stretched my hand across the table. “I’m Pandora.”

He smiled. “Regis.” He accepted my handshake with a firm grasp. As he drew back his hand he asked, “What’s your job?”

My job? Oh! An in-game job was your classification. The basic ones were warrior, mage, priest, thief and archer but there were offshoots of each one. Each required very different skill sets as well. “I don’t have one yet,” I said quietly, almost disappointed with myself. I glanced up and quickly asked, “do you know where the-”

“Mage or priest churches are?” Regis finished for me as his smile faded. He sighed wearily, stirring his straw absentmindedly. That was getting to be a bad habit of his.

I blushed, the red only just reaching above my mask. “No,” I answered as though he were an idiot. “Where do you start the quest to be a warrior?”

He raised his eyebrow. He might have raised both but I couldn’t see the other. The same smile fierce lopsided smile returned. “Aren’t you a little weak looking to be a warrior?” he teased. “Girls like you are usually mages.”

He was laying the bait and it was tempting to take it. Oh…so…tempting… “I’m surprised you can see through all that hair.” I smirked. I had taken part of his bait, not enough to set off the trap but enough that he noticed. I silently cursed myself for sounding so much like…myself.

He shrugged, pushed back his seat and stood. “Well, I’ve still got to do the quest myself. I’ll take you there.” He waved the waiter over, offering to pay for my meal. I politely refused, and paid for us both instead. He gave me an odd look with a half smile. I just stared as I followed him out the door and down what I presumed was the main street.

Other people were starting to fill streets now, mostly elves and beasts. I spotted a few halflings of unidentifiable origins, a couple elementals and a single fire demon. Regis and I were the centre of attention. After remaining clueless for a moment, I realized we were the only ones whose faces were concealed. I was also quite noticeably a celestial. I felt extremely self-conscious for the half minute it took to find the armoury in which the quest was to begin.

A middle aged and brawny NPC perked up as we entered his shop. He recognized Regis obviously, asking if he had finished collecting enough rat pelts. After receiving his negative answer, the NPC turned his gaze on me. “Ah, so you’ve already got a wife have you?”

I twitched, a faint stain spreading across my cheeks. Thank the gods for my mask! Regis only laughed. “You mind starting the warrior quest for her?” he gestured at me, who was now standing beside him. “She apparently desires to be the only woman in melee.”

I narrowed my eyes at him but kept quiet. He wasn’t denying anything…but that NPC hadn’t used context for that statement either…or, could he have realized that I was Swan Princess? Whatever. I forgot he was just like that. Things such as misunderstandings never bothered him. He had always said it never mattered in the long run what was on the rumour mill that week. I believed him, most of the time.

“Eh, sure kid,” the NPC replied easily. He even gave me a knowing wink when he passed me a piece of paper with scrawling on it. “I’m gonna need everything on that list.” I glanced down at it and went bug-eyed. There were four hard-to-get items on it and I wasn’t sure a noob like me could get more than two of them without dying.



I had just sold four of those! I felt like an idiot.



I guess I had stared too long at the paper as Regis grabbed my collar and half dragged me out of the shop. When he let go I stumbled and accidentally head butted him. While I followed him out of the village I checked my stats.

My roll hadn’t been half-bad. Players were given 25 total levels placed in several different skills. I muttered “open stat menu” to display my levels in my right eye.

<| Health: 50 | Mana: 20 | Attack: 3 | Defense: 3 | Strength: 7 | Range: 4 | Agility: 1 |>

Aside from those, there were indicators for stat boosters.

<| Resistance: +0 | Attack: +0 | Defense: +0 |>

What’s resistance?

<| Level: 6 | Name: Pandora | Race: Celestial | Gender: Female | Unspent Skill Points: 0 | Luck: Unknown |>

I flicked through the menus until I reached the “Friends” menu. I opened it quickly. It displayed my current associations, just Regis. I half hoped this list would stay short. It would be much easier to remember names.

Regis smiled. His fangs pressed against the inside of his lips, the impressions very visible. He rested his hand on the hilt of a knife and I followed him into the forest. Killer rats? No problem.

I think.

Hey there! I'm here to do a review for you!

OK, first I did enjoy this story. It kept my interest all the way through and I felt it was easy to read. I also couldn't find any errors in spelling or grammar so that's a good sign as well!

The beginning however seemed a little rushed. There is an obvious difference between game and real world but you seemed to mainly focus on the game world. I do understand the reasons for this, but if you're going to start in the real world, then it should get the reader's attention. It only really started to get my attention when you got into Universal and that is a good few paragraphs in. I just would have liked to see more of the real world and New Ages world.

Another thing that was a little rushed was character introductions. I only got a quick introduction to the characters besides your main and I didn't get any time to see any relationships between them before it switched to Universal's world. If you fleshed out the section in New Ages through more dialogue or a little more description, then it should solve this problem but it shouldn't wait until you move into Universal.

Another small thing I would have liked to see more of a description of was the visor virtual reality device. I had a few questions about it I will throw out. I don't need an answer, but they are something to think about:
Is it normal to feel pain whil online?
Is the in game character's hunger and the real world person's hunger connected somehow?
How many people would have gotten this? Do they need to be well off to get it?
If you don't get it, can you still play on a computer screen?

You have a really good story here and I can see how it would be difficult to write. You have two distinct worlds that need to have completely different feels to them. The reader needs to know when they are in the real world or the game world and so far I am getting that feel. Keep writing!

I just want to get this out there before I say anything else: this story is fantastic. I've always wanted to read a fantasy gamer story like this, and I finally found one!!!

I think this is extremely well written. I read the other review, and I agree to some extent about the descriptions and pace. I think your description of the real world is fine so far--maybe a paragraph more would do. The reason I say this is because too much of same-old-same-old won't catch a reader. I got caught by this story mostly because you got right to it. I like stories that drop you off and fill in the less important details along the way. Not that the real world isn't important, but dang, the story is about Universal, so take me to Universal!

I agree with the statement about the visor. Some things about that need some answering, but overall readers can gather some info on the visors just from what you have down all ready. The hunger idea is probably something that could use more explaining, but you don't need much there. Once again, that's something that just needs a brush and go.

Oh! And I guess a little more on New Ages would do. But my theory for that one is, just throw in little comparisons between New Ages and Universal as the character learns more about Universal. Like, "In New Ages, things were like this, but in Universal this is like that...", done ten times better. You did this perfectly with Immortal Fire; giving readers a picture of what he was like before, but just a glimpse, then moving to Universal, giving Regis, but then comparing Regis to Immortal Fire (yes, they're the same but not...Lol).

Also! I think a little more explanation between the character types in Universal would be helpful--like a Celestial, well, is that like, an Angel? I'm confused, but either way I like Celestials a lot so far, mostly because I love the idea of wings but...

Watch for funky wording like this:

Immortal Fire had been my in game husband for more than a year...

. Perhaps, the part, "my in game husband" could be worded differently, or simply, my in-game-husband. I had to double take on that sentence. : )

Anyhow, that concludes my wordy response. I hope to see more soon! Like said, I love the concept, and your writing style, so I want more!

Thanks for the reviews! ^_^

I wrote most of this bit all in one shot over an afternoon. Where the world of Universal started was my main idea, the beginning was more of an afterthought. Probably could use some expansion. Okay, not probably, definitely. It was only afterward that I thought what kind of world would be needed to have this sort of VR (virtual reality) game. I settled on futuristic. Which is where the v-comp or visor computer comes in. Looks kind of like sunglasses I guess. Needs major expansion, thanks for pointing that out.

So...no, there are no "computers" as we know them in this world. Which is nice really. You get desk space now ;P.

As someone who isn't new to the gaming world, I'm going to add elements of that into this. Like the in-game-husband (thanks for pointing out that I need hyphens for that! Never noticed) and such. And the lingo, definitely the lingo. Phrases like "noob" and "mob" and "NPC" will be everywhere, I'll stick up a spoiler thing on top in case anyone needs help with that.

And yeah, a Celestial is technically an angel, but since many religions (not always still in practice) have a name for an angel that more commonly translates to "Celestial" I used that term instead. I like it better really.

Say goodbye to reality by the way, Christen won't be seeing it again for a very long time ^_^

Who needs reality anyway? ;P

Hey,

So this was pretty cool, and I enjoyed reading. Never got much into gaming myself, but I wasn't lost, and a story's a story. Getting sucked into a video game isn't the newest idea in the world, but given how far the gaming world has come, I say there's room for another. It's relevant to this day and age and relevance is good.

I agree with the reviewers above me that the beginning was a little rushed. The scene where she's in the lecture especially. I can see the point of it now--you establishing her as a college student, establishing the futuristic setting, establishing her antsiness to get home--but you can do more with that and expand it to give us an idea of who Christen is. Really build up her personality, you know? Though I'm getting a pretty good vibe from here with her choices in names and how she's crushing on this Regis guy who she's never actually met.

Which brings me to the next part, which is where you could really make a killing if you wanted. The relationships. Right now, they're flimsy. But what is her relationship like with her sister? And her relationship with this Regis guy? You're on the right track with the conversation they have in the restaurant... That was a great moment of characterization because she a) knew what she would have said as Swan Princess b) thought he would recognize her if she said it and c) said something else but d) knew that something else was still partially giving in, which lets us know who the real Christen is.

Dialogue can get wonderfully complex. A whole lot goes into just a few lines of exchange.

But, I digress. What I was trying to get at is that the relationships here are super important--and relevant given how many relationships are all online nowadays--and so explore them. The reader doesn't have to know every detail, and really, you shouldn't have to explain it. You're on the right track, so give us more!

More in the first video game would be helpful too. As someone else said, it was rushed. Given you just whipped this out, though, that's to be expected, so no worries.

Final notes...

--I'd recommend chopping the description of her outfit down. I want action and reaction and juicy layered dialogue, not descriptions of clothes. Kills your pace.

--Does she see her sister? How is it that she recognizes Regis? Neither of those were clear to me.

--How does she feel about this new world? Feel free to describe that. Was it the virtual experience she loved so much, or the world of the first game? I ask because she seems to take Universal for what it is quickly and without any criticism out of loyalty to the other one.

And, that's it. Cool work, and I hope to read more. Let me know if you have any questions.

Later,
Sock

hey i loved rading your story. ive never read anything like this before so thids was new to mw its rly good keep on writing so i can keep on reading (: this piece has alot of potential you were born to be a writer =]