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A name that means traveler: Prologue *edited*



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Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:28 pm
Piper says...



The woods seemed to embrace Anwyn as she stood in front of the small rock house with her baby daughter. The sun shone through the tree tops giving the forest a happy appearance, much different than the gloom and darkness that loomed inside the hut ahead.
She crouched to get her tall form under the low doorway and kissed the sleeping little girl's forehead, muttering a prayer.

Goose bumps rose on her pale arms as the darkness of the house surrounded them, oily light only coming from small candles and lamps on the walls. It consisted of two rooms, one completely hidden by velvet shadows. Dusty, ancient tomes filled tall bookshelves and a splinter infested table was shoved in a corner. The room had an old mildew smell that made Anwyn crinkle her nose and cough.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she kneeled and called out, "Emrys, holy seer of names, I beg thy presence.. please come forth from the shadows and prophesize."

A sunken figure fell from the darkness and stumbled on his crooked legs. His appearance was eerie and disturbing. Anwyn swallowed her nausea and forced herself to not look away. Once flaming red hair hung in dirty, snarled knots. His skin was tanned and almost leathery, though it stilled defied his ancient age. His blue eyes were almost white and filled with the pain and knowledge that comes with prophesy. Thin lips stretched themselves into a smile and revealed yellowed teeth. Anwyn felt herself shiver with fear.

Superstitions took over her mind and she repeated prayers over and over in her head, taking pains not mutter them out loud. The man was unnatural and seemed older than time itself. She remembered the stories her mother would tell her as a child. How Emrys was the favorite man of Cilero, our Heavenly God and Rosen, his Heavenly wife. Mothers traveled far across the small country so he could read their child's future and name them.

Names were sacred according the book of Our God and His Heavenly Wife. Anwyn recited the verse in her head for comfort. "Names are sacred. They are a description of the person, and a gift from the heavens. Denying thy name is a crime." In a way, he was more important than the king. The rumors said he was so old, only he knew his true age.

"Pretty Anwyn, I've wondered when you would decide to grace me with your presence. Tell me, how is your sister? Such a pretty baby she was." He murmured in a cracked voice.
Anwyn stiffened and looked away. "Alis is married and pregnant with her second child. A lady in the court of North Braanagh."

The man laughed and touched the young woman's cheek, she shuddered, but didn't pull away. She had to show respect for the old man no matter how much he repulsed her. "Her name is "noble sort", is it not? You should have known she would marry a lord, pretty one. And what about you? It has been a mere sixteen years since I named you as a newborn, and you are already here with a little girl."

She dipped her head and muttered bitterly, "I had many suitors. My father married me off for a few extra coins in his pocket. Money is hard to come by now."

"I'm not surprised, pretty one. I named you fair, and I am never wrong." He stared at the girl's grey eyes and pale brown hair.

Anwyn clenched her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again, scared Emrys could see the faint sheen of tears on her eyes.

"And whom is it to which you've been wed? My memory fails me."

"Fatmir, of Bander. He is now a blacksmith journeyman."

"And how long have you been married to Fatmir? I named him...nineteen years ago. A slight age difference in this marriage." Emrys asked as if he hadn't already known.

"Ten months. We've been married for ten months."

The old man laughed, a dry, crackling sound. "You became pregnant within one month of marriage?" He paused, considering the blushing girl before him. "Of course, I'm not surprised. With your fair face and long hair, few men would have been able to resist themselves in his situation. He, I see, could not. Does he treat you well?"

His frank stare raised more bumps on Anwyn’s arms and she straitened her back. "Yes, he....he does." Her voice was quiet and she sounded meek even to her own ears.

He laughed and walked circles around the girl and her daughter. "I'm just wondering. I am not in favor of treating women like household animals. I named Fatmir well. He is lucky. That name suits him, a pretty little daughter and a beautiful wife in his bed. 'Tis a shame you have given him no sons, but I'm sure there will be an heir for his fortune at some point."

She blushed even deeper as he took the small child from her arms. He set his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, muttering a prayer. When he pulled back, an almost amused smirk formed on his lips.

"Quite a future laid out for you, little one."

Anwyn waited humbly for Emrys to tell the name.

"You will be lady of the roads, little one. You are Peregrin, a name that means traveler.
Anwyn held the child close and bowed her head. "Thank you Emrys, may the stars watch over you."

"Thank you Anwyn, may Rosen give you and your family happiness." Emrys leaned down and place a callused hand on the child's ivory forehead and closed his eyes. "Peregrin, lady of the roads, I give thee my blessing as I blessed thy mother and father. Live as you have been destined. You may take leave, Anwyn."

Anwyn bowed once again and exited the small house. Emrys words echoed through her head as she walked and she felt uneasy. Other village women came back bragging, holding their Briallen's and their Cadell's, but she was holding Peregrin. Traveler. Emrys prophesy unnerved her, an unmanageable child was not what she needed.

Anwyn bit her lip, wondering if she was suited as a mother. She worried she wasn't going to be able to turn this rosy little baby into a polite young women. She fought a mental battle on her way home, not sure what to do. Memories of her own childhood flooded through her mind: She walked down the street warily, eying every body that passed her. Giggling came from a group of girls around her age and Anwyn sighed. She walked by fast, knowing they would never try to include her in their conversation. She broke into a run, eager to return to the safety of home. A small dip in the road caught her by surprise and she lost balance, falling onto the dirt.

"Anwyn you dizzy-eyed fool." She muttered, trying to stand up. A hand grabbed her upper arm and her eyes widened with fear. She tried to break free, but the man was strong and already had an arm tightly wound around her waist.

"Let off me, Alun, let me go!" She squirmed, but his hold around didn't loosen

"Not very nice, fair one. I just helped you, I believe you owe me." He leaned down and tried to kiss her, the other three boys laughing. She turned her head, but he grabbed her jaw and kissed her anyway. She desperately turned her head towards Fatmir, one of the other boys. She made her eyes desperate and pleading, and he looked at her with pity.

“Come now, Alun, let the girl go. You know she’s going to get married soon.”

Alun glared at him with his dark eyes. “Hush up Fatmir. Let me have my fun with this maid before then. We don’t even know which one of us it’s going to be, this girl could be my property soon.”

Fatmir looked at her sadly. Anwyn looked away and tried not to cry, that dreaded word echoing in her head. Betrothed, I’m betrothed to one of them.

Why won't they leave me alone She thought desperatly. Fatmir looked mad, and he opened his mouth to say more, but before he could she struggled against Alun's grasp and her elbow jabbed him under the ribs, knocking the breath out of him. His almost-black eyes clouded with anger and next thing Anwyn knew she was on the ground again, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to ignore the pain in the back of her head. Alun stood above her, blocking her way up.
She thought desperatly. Fatmir looked mad, and he opened his mouth to say more, but before he could she struggled more, and her elbow jabbed Alun under the ribs, knocking the breath out of him. His almost-black eyes clouded with anger and next thing Anwyn knew she was on the ground again, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to ignore the pain in the back of her head. Alun stood above her, blocking her way up.

"Do not hit me, maiden. Ever. Again."

Anwyn refused to stand up, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her, making her stumble into his chest. She noticed her bonnet had fallen off, and one of the other boys had grabbed it. Bryn, Anwyn decided. She squirmed again, trying to ignore the pain spreading through out her body. Alun tightened his grasp and whispered in her ear, "Don't try me, fair one."

He had his arms tightly wound around her body, one around her neck and the other around her waist. He was strong, and Anwyn knew she would only be released by his grace.
She stopped moving and went limp, hoping Alun would let her go once the fun of the chase was over.

He laughed crudely. "See, now this is how a women is to behave. Be obedient, Fair one. You were a wild child, playing with us boys and not learning to sew and cooklike a good lady. Soon though, you will belong to one of us." Fear pitted its self in Anwyn's stomach as she thought of marrying one of them, letting him touch her and see her body. She whimpered and Alun laughed.

"I'm scaring her, boys, see that?"

Bryn and Cefin laughed along with him, but Fatmir knit his eyebrows together and tried to say something once again.

"You boys 'ought to be asham'd o' your selves." An old women leaning on a walking stick hobbled over and hit Alun on the back of his knees with her cane. He dropped Anwyn, who collapsed. "All you, shoo, get on, go, leave this poor girl alone." Three of them ran off, but Fatmir stayed, lingering. The old woman helped Anwyn up, being much stronger than she looked. Anwyn wrapped her arms around the woman's neck. "Thank you, Althea, bless you."

"Calm yourself, child, I only did what anyone good would have." She glared at Fatmir, who was still around with a worried look on his face.

"Is she alright?" He asked, moving closer. Anwyn backed away, refusing to let him touch her.

"She'll be fine, no thanks t' you. Get on, son of Dewydd. He ran off, scared of Althea the
healer's wrath.

"C'mon, child, you're fine. Those boys can't hurt you."

Anwyn dipped her head. "One of them can. They--they've become more bold since father told them one of them can have me." Fear squeezed her heart, but her father's word was final."

Althea's pale blue eyes took on a hard edge. She walked Anwyn home faster than she had ever walked before. She took her cane and rapped on the door.

"Cadoc, Cadoc you coward open up!" A moment past and Anwyn's father opened the door, looking down harshly on Althea and Anwyn.

"What do you want, healer?"

"You will not sell this girl to one of those disrespecting boys, Cadoc. Care you not for your daughter?"

"They admire her, and they will pay for her. She is a girl, healer. She was born to be married off. Maybe she'll produce boys with her husband and then she'll be worth the money I paid for her to live here for fifteen years. The deal is done, she is gettting married tomorrow." He glared one last time at his daughter and slammed the door. She managed to glimpse inside and saw a boy, his face hidden by shadows.

Anwyn collapsed on the ground outside the house that was once her home and cried wracking sobs that shook her body and she found herself unable to stop.

"Shh, child, the time for crying is not now. Come, you will sleep at my house tonight, but I could be hanged for interfering with tomorrow.
~~~
Anwyn was brought red eyed and trembling to the ceremony, a veil masking her emotions from the public. Braanagh ceremonies were short, and before she knew it, she was Fatmir's wife. They were taken to the home they were to share, where Anwyn sat on the bed and hugged her knees. Faren sat and wrapped his arms around her. Her muscles couldn't help but tense. They were the same arms that wrapped around her waist against her will.
"I promise not to hurt you, fair one. Believe me, please."

"You won." She responded in a cracked voice. "I was only a possession you had to have, all of you. There was a time I considered you my friends, yet you betrayed that. Now you own me."

He set his head on her shoulder and she turned away. "I never hurt you. I never hit you or belittled you. I never grabbed you in front of a crowed and treated you as an object. Please, understand that I love you. I couldn't stand watching them hurt you. I could never stand it if they had you as their wife, if they...touched you.

"They are your friends." She managed with a joyless laugh.

Fatmir's voice was grim. "They do not deserve to treat you as a wife."

"And you do? Please Fatmir, I spent a year of my life being humiliated and hurt by you and your friends. True, you never hurt me physically, but the fact that you played along.." She let the sentence trail off, scared by her own impertinence.

If it were Alun I would be bruised and pregnant already She thought, flinching. It was true, of all of them, Fatmir was the best to be wed to. He would respect and love her.

He looked sad and ashamed. "I'm sorry, Anwyn, please, forgive me and I will treat you better. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated." His eyes were pleading, and Anwyn had to look away.

"I--I forgive you." Anwyn surprised herself with the truth of those words. She was married to him, and fearing her husband would do her no good.

He smiled like a little boy kissed her. Though she didn't kiss back, she didn't fight it.
~~~
Anwyn shuddered at the vivid memory, and entered her house. She set the child down in her cradle and sat on the bed, head down and one hand covering her mouth. After a minute, the door creaked open and Fatmir entered. Noticing his wife's distress, he hurried to the bed and sat next to her, taking her into his arms.

"Tell me what's wrong, dear heart." He crooned, his arms around her in the embrace that disgusted her not a year ago.

"It's--it's not-" She bit her lip, not sure how to phrase the words. "Our daughter is Peregrin."
He gave her a strange look. "Is there something wrong with that? She will wander, nothing unexpected from the daughter of you."

"I can not have a wild child Fatmir, I won't be able to handle it." Anwyn was trembling, and Fatmir tightened his hold, as if his embrace would banish her fears.

"You were not docile, my love, and our child will not be either."

"Do you remember what it was like for me? I don't want that for her." Anwyn flinched, remembering the sting that came from the willow branch her father kept at his side, solely to punish her when she came home with torn skirts and scraped arms when other girls came home with cloth or eggs for their mothers.

"I will never beat her as your father did, Anwyn. You know that."

"There will be years where she's friendless. Girls will shun her for her strange ways and boys --boys will no longer see her as a friend."

She closed her eyes and let out an involuntary sigh. Fatmir stroked her hair, murmuring, "I'm sorry, love."

"Do not feel bad, I forgave you long ago. But do you want that for her?"

"We can not change the prophesy, dear one."

"There has to be something we can do, make sure that as she grows up, she does not follow the same path as I did."

Fatmir winced. "I heard, in the north, children are sometimes betrothed very young."

Anwyn's eyes widened. "Betroth her? She will hate us."

"No boy will dare touch her if she is betrothed."

Anwyn sighed. "I--I guess it's no different than choosing her husband later in life. and she will be safer this way"

Faren closed his eyes and kissed his wife's forehead. "Then that is what we will do." He smoothed her hair back and

"Sleep, Anwyn, it’s late.”

Anwyn closed her eyes and nodded, leaning on her husband's chest. She was sure she was doing the right thing.
I'm sorry thoughts arn't in italics, but Im having trouble with this posting. I'll try to do it another time.
Last edited by Piper on Mon Jun 13, 2011 3:04 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland
  





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Sun Apr 17, 2011 9:12 pm
Masquerade says...



Hello Sakuragirl1, I'm Masque, and I shall be reviewing your work today. -puts on intelligent looking glasses-
Key:
Blue= Really like this
Purple= This sounds awkward
Red= Edits
Green= My comments
Anywen carried her small child into the rock house in front of them. We don't get a lot of knowledge about the setting from this except that there is a rock house. The reader doesn't even know how big the house is or where it is. She crouched to get her tall form under the low doorway and kissed her little girl's forehead. Anwyn took a breath and called out.
"Emrys, seer of names. Come forth from the shadows and prophisize."
A sunken figure fell from the darkness and stumbled on his crooked legs. His appearance was eerie and disturbing. Anwyn swallowed her nausea forced herself to not look away. His once flaming red hair hung in dirty, snarled knots. His skin was tanned and almost leathery, though it stilled defied his ancient age. His blue eyes were almost white and filled with pain and knowledge. His thin lips stretched into a smile, revealing yellowing teeth.
"Pretty Anwyn, I've wondered when you would decide to grace me with your presence. Tell me, how is your sister? Such a pretty baby, she was," he murmured in a cracked voice.
Anwyn stiffened. "Alis is married and pregnant with her second child. A lady in the court of Braanagh."
The man laughed and touched the young woman's cheek. "Her name is noble sort, is it not? You should have known she would marry a lord, pretty Anwyn. And what about you? It has been a mere sixteen years since I named you as a newborn, and you are already here with a little girl." So far the characterization of Emrys has been good. I get a very creepy vibe from him.
She dipped her head and muttered bitterly, "I had many suitors. My father married me off for a few extra coins in his pocket."
"I'm not suprised, pretty one. I named you fair, and I am never wrong." He stared at the girl's grey eyes and light, light I would recommend rewording this using a word that means very light, rather than saying "light, light". Perhaps "pale" or "faded." As I was reading I stumbled over the repetition. brown hair.
Anwyn clenched her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again, scared Emrys could see the faint sheen of tears on her eyes.
"Please Emrys, just name the child. Fatmir is waiting for his dinner at home and the sun is setting." Emrys smiled again, obviously delaying so he would have company for a little while longer. This sentence is interesting. It lets the reader know that he doesn't get a lot of company, which we could assume from his creepiness, but it also suggests that he wants company. I like this because it counters the cliche that the creepy man likes being creepy and doesn't care for company, although I don't know if that's how you intended it.
"How long have you been married to Fatmir? I named him...twenty and two years ago. A slight age difference in this marrige." Emrys asked as if he hadn't already known.
"Eleven months. We've been married for eleven months."
The old man laughed, a dry, crackling sound. "You became pregnant within two months of marriage?" He paused, considering the girl before him. "Of course, I'm not surprised. With your fair face and long hair, few men would have been able to resist themselves in his situation. He could not, I see. Does he treat you well?" His frank stare raised bumps on Anwyns arms and she straitened her back.
"I don't see how that is your business." She meant to sound assertive, but it came out sounding meek.
He laughed at her bravery and walked circles around the girl and her daughter.
"I'm just wondering. I am not in favor of treating women like household animals. I named Fatmir well. He is lucky. That name suits him. A pretty little daughter and a beautiful wife in his bed. 'Tis a shame you have given him no sons, but I'm sure there will be an heir for his fortune at some point."
He took the small child from Anwyn's arms. He set his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, muttering a prayer to our God and his heavenly wife. He shuddered and pulled back. Anwyn took her now crying child from the man's trembling arms. Hmm... I'm not sure if I like the "now crying" bit. I would say that the child began crying earlier, perhaps before "He shuddered and pulled back."
"Our God's heavenly wife gave me the gift of prophesy. I use it to name Braanagh's children, and have for over two thousand years. I am an old, old man, Anwyn," His pain filled eyes seemed tortured and endless. "This has only happened four times in those years. That is a very special child you hold in your arms, pretty one."
Anwyn's eyes widened and she held her baby closer, rapidly looking back and forth at Emrys and her crying baby. "What is wrong with her?"
Emrys seemed to not hear and continued mumbling.
"Normally I see a child's life until their first baby, but this girl...I don't understand. You mean he can see their lives up until their first child is born? I would reword this. I had to read it twice to understand what it meant.I can only see to age three, the rest of her life is clouded from me. Her name...."
He stared at the baby's grey eyes. Then he jerked his head back and dropped to his knees. I'm not sure what exactly is awkward about this. I guess it was just abrupt. He's talking and looking at the baby then suddenly he drops to his knees. I think it is this plus the fact that the reader doesn't know exactly why he did that, that makes it awkward.
"Peregrin."
"But, Peregrin is a boys name--"
"She has spoken!" Emrys cried out. "Our God's heavenly wife has spoken to me for the first time in two hundred years. You need to listen!"
To Anwyns shock, Emrys fell to the floor and sobbed. "Leave."
She hesitated for a moment.
"Leave!" The man threw a book and Anwyn ran out of the small hut as fast as her dress allowed her to. Wait, what? Where did the book come from? Again, the setting is not clear. She pressed Peregrin to her chest and silent tears flowed down her face until she reached home.


After reading the first paragraph my initial reaction was "oh dear, here we go." The first few sentences were short and not very descriptive. The main problem was the lack of setting. Is the house in a forest? How big is it? What does it look like on the inside? I would weave some setting into the first couple paragraphs.

From that point on the piece got much better. Apart from a few typos and grammatical errors (which I think I got most of them), the story was quite well written. I particularly liked the character of Emrys. He was interesting and creepy and it made me very curious about him and his past. I liked the way he spoke too.

So, I gather that Emrys is some sort of immortal person whose job it is to name people, and people's names are important and tell a lot about their future. What an interesting concept. I'm curious where this story will go and I hope Emrys plays more of a role in the story than naming Peregrin; I'd like to learn more about him.

So, overall, I enjoyed this piece. It was interesting and made me curious about what will happen.

Happy Writing!
Masquerade
"Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing."
-Meg Chittenden
  





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Mon Apr 18, 2011 3:13 am
Chickensandwitch says...



Okay, this is actually my first real attempt at reviewing someone's work. I usually don't read fantasy stories- ever, but I'm interested in what happens to the baby. Anyways, I'm gonna start now...

edited
my comment
Anywen carried her small child into the rock house in front of them. She crouched to get her tall form under the low doorway and kissed her little girl's forehead. Anwyn took a breath and called out.
"Emrys, seer of names. Come forth from the shadows and prophisize."
A sunken figure fell from the darkness and stumbled on his crooked legs. His appearence was eerie and disturbing. Anwyn swallowed her nausea and forced herself to not look away. His once flaming red hair hung in dirty, snarled knots. His skin was tanned and almost leathery, though it stilled defied his ancient age. His blue eyes were almost white and filled with pain and knowledge. His thin lips stretched into a smile, revealing yellowing teeth.
"Pretty Anwyn, I've wondered when you would decide to grace me with your presence. Tell me, how is your sister? Such a pretty baby, I don't think you need the commashe was." He murmered in a cracked voice.
Anwyn stiffened. "Alis is married and pregnant with her second child. A lady in the court of Braanagh."
The man laughed and touched the young woman's cheek. "Her name is noble sort, is it not? I don't really get that sentence. Do you mean "Of a noble sort"?You should have known she would marry a lord, pretty Anwyn. And what about you? It has been a mere sixteen years since I named you as a newborn, and you are already here with a little girl."
She dipped her head and muttered bitterly, "I had many suitors. My father married me off for a few extra coins in his pocket."
"I'm not suprised, pretty one. I named you fair, and I am never wrong." He stared at the girl's grey eyes and very light brown hair.
Anwyn clenched her eyes shut for a moment and thenopened them again, scared Emrys could see the faint sheen of tears on her eyes. <That sounds really good
"Please Emrys, just name the child. Fatmir is waiting for his dinner at home and the sun is setting." Emrys smiled again, obviously delaying so he would have company for a little while longer. Aw, poor Emrys! I always feel sorry for the old people :)
"How long have you been married to Fatmir? I named him...twenty and two years ago. A slight age difference in this marriage." Emrys asked as if he hadn't already known. This just sounds kind of awkward to me, although I'm not sure how you would fix it.
"Eleven months. We've been married for eleven months."
The old man laughed, a dry, crackling sound. "You became pregnant within two months of marriage?" He paused, considering the girl before him. "Of course, I'm not suprised. With your fair face and long hair, few men would have been able to resist themselves in his situation. He could not, I see. Does he treat you well?" His frank stare raised bumps on Anwyns arms and she straitened her back.
"I don't see how that is your buisness." She meant to sound assertive, but it came out sounding meek.
He laughed at her bravery and walked circles around the girl and her daughter.
"I'm just wondering. I am not in favor of treating women like household animals. I named Fatmir well. He is lucky. That name suits him. A pretty little daughter and a beautiful wife in his bed. 'Tis a shame you have given him no sons, but I'm sure there will be an heir for his fortune at some point."
He took the small child from Anwyn's arms. He set his forehead agains hers and closed his eys, muttering a prayer to our God and his heavenly wife. Are you talking about Emrys' heavenly wife of the god's heavenly wife?He shuddered and pulled back. Anwyn took her now crying child from the man's trembling arms.
"Our God's heavenly wife gave me the gift of prophesy. I use it to name Braanagh's children, and have for over two thousand years. I am an old, old man, Anwyn," His pain filled eyes seemed tortured and endless. "This has only happened four times in those years. That is a very special child you hold in your arms, pretty one"
Anwyn's eyes widened and she held her baby closer, rapidly looking back and forth between Emrys and her crying baby. "What is wrong with her?"
Emrys seemed to not hear and continued mumbling.
"Normally I see a child's life until their first baby, but this girl...I don't understand. I can only see to age three. The rest of her life is clouded from me. Her name...."
He stared into the baby's grey eyes. Then he jerked his head back and dropped to his knees.
"Peregrin." love love love that name. Like a falcon :D
"But, Peregrin is a boys name--"
"She has spoken!" Emrys cried out. "Our God's heavenly wife has spoken to me for the first time in two hundred years. You need to listen!"
To Anwyns shock, Emrys fell to the floor and sobbed. "Leave."
She hesitated for a moment.
"Leave!" The man threw a book and Anwyn ran out of the small hut as fast as her dress allowed her to. She pressed Peregrin to her chest and silent tears flowed down her face until she reached home.


Overall, quite interested and as I said before I want to know what happens to Peregrin. Good job :)
  





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Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:55 pm
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MadameLuxestrange says...



Harro Saks! Here as requested.

Alright, I say this with all the love in the world, but your spelling HAS to get better! We live in the same house-ask for help or Google it. The grammar mistakes were already pointed out above. My biggest thing with the grammar though is the way you separated the paragraphs. I don't have time to fix them now, but they're driving me nuts. I liked the story a lot- very interesting and creative. I would like to see some more background regarding the Seer... he interested me! Also, give us more on the God that you have in here. I'd like to know more about him and his wife.

Cheers,
Luxe :D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:33 pm
bluewaterlily says...



Hey Ura. Finally I'm here to review your story. Sorry for the delay, by the way.

Anwyn swallowed her nausea forced herself to not look away.
Forced should be forcing.

His thin lips stretched into a smile. revealing yellowing teeth.
Maybe it was just a typo, but that period should be a comma.

She dipped her head a muttered bitterly, "I had many suitors. My father married me off for a few extra coins in his pocket."
Did you mean to type and?

He set his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, and muttered a prayer to our God and his heavenly wife.
Could you explain who our God is? Maybe it's just me, but I found a little strange that everyone else has a name that means something but their god doesn't even have a name.

The man grabbed a heavy book [b]of the bookshelf closest to him and threw it Anwyn.[/b] Of should be off.

What I liked:

Firstly, I'd like to say the names of your characters are very original. So good job with that. Also, I love the idea of your story of the importance of names. And I loved your descriptions.

The sun shone through the tree tops giving the forest a happy appearance, much different than the gloom and darkness that loomed inside the hut. She crouched to get her tall form under the low doorway and kissed her little girl's forehead. The house consisted of two rooms, one completely hidden by shadows. Dusty, ancient tomes filled tall bookshelves and a table was shoved in a corner. The room had an old mildew smell that made Anwyn crinkle her nose.


A sunken figure fell from the darkness and stumbled on his crooked legs. His appearance was eerie and disturbing. Anwyn swallowed her nausea forced herself to not look away. His once flaming red hair hung in dirty, snarled knots. His skin was tanned and almost leathery, though it stilled defied his ancient age. His blue eyes were almost white and filled with pain and knowledge. His thin lips stretched into a smile. revealing yellowing teeth.

Very well- written vivid descriptions, way to set the story.

What Needs Improvement:

Other than a few grammar and punctuation errors, the only thing that needs improvement is the character, Anwyn. Readers get a small sense of what Anwyn is feeling but, overall we don't know much about her thoughts and emotions. Though the story is very well-written, I think it would even better if you elaborated more on Anwyn's thoughts and feelings.

Overall:

You have succeeded in writing an interesting well- written story. The setting is strong, the descriptions are vivid, and the flow is smooth. I can't wait to read more of your work. If you have any questions feel free to pm me. Hope I helped~
Lily.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 3:26 am
fireheartedkaratepup says...



Ok, first: You need to space your work. I cannot stress this enough. I'm tired now. My eyes can't follow this very well.

What you need to do is start a

new line

at the start of

each new

paragraph.

(Spaces for illustration.)

If you have any questions, pm me or a mod.
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Sun May 01, 2011 4:13 pm
TheGreatIthy says...



Hey there!

I want to start out by saying that this is a good starting point for a story in my opinion. It was descriptive without being overly so (which would bore me and I wouldn't be here in the first place, so that's a good start). It was interesting as well, but I would almost have liked to see more about Emrys. He seems to be the most interesting aspect of this entire scene and you can capitalize on that without going too far. Say more about his mannerisms since that could be an interesting look into his character. He is almost otherworldly and that is something that can work in your favour in describing him. Go over the top about how creepy he is and he could capture your audience for the rest of the story.

Another thing that is more of a nitpick or mine. You should space out your paragraphs. Right now it's a block of text and it's a little hard to read. Same with the dialogue, space them out from each other to make it clear that someone else is talking.

All in all, though it was a very good scene and I really did enjoy it. Keep it up!
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Sun May 01, 2011 7:08 pm
Crimsona says...



Red = Suggestions
Bold = Opinions
Green = Really liked this part

Sakuragirl1 wrote:The woods seemed to embrace Anwyn as she stood in front of the small rock house with her baby daughter. The sun shone through the tree tops giving the forest a happy appearance, much different than the gloom and darkness that loomed inside the hut ahead. She crouched to get her tall form under the low doorway and kissed her sleeping little girl's forehead. Goose bumps rose on her pale arms as the darkness of the house surrounded her, oily light only coming from small candles and lamps on the walls.I'm loving it so far, the description is very, very nice. It consisted of two rooms, one completely hidden by velvet shadows. Dusty, ancient tomes filled tall bookshelves and a splinter infested table was shoved in a corner. The room had an old mildew smell that made Anwyn crinkle her nose.
Anwyn took a breath and called out, "Emrys, seer of names. Come forth from the shadows and prophesize."
A sunken figure fell from the darkness and stumbled on his crooked legs. His appearance was eerie and disturbing. Anwyn swallowed her nausea and forced herself to not look away. His once flaming red hair hung in dirty, snarled knots. Wow, this part is fantastic, I can imagine him right there His skin was tanned and almost leathery, though it stilled defied his ancient age. His blue eyes were almost white and filled with the pain and knowledge that comes with prophesy. His thin lips stretched into a smile, revealing yellowing teeth.
Anwyn felt herself shiver with fear. Superstition was taking over her mind, and she repeated prayers in her head over and over. This man seemed older than time and unnatural. She remembered the stories her mother would tell her as a child. How Emry's was the favorite man of our God's Heavenly wife, Rosen. She granted him the power of prophesy and gave him to Braanagh, her chosen country. He used it to name the children of Braanagh. It was tradition. Mothers traveled far across the small country so he could read their child's future and name them. Names were sacred, it said so in the book of Our God and His Heavenly Wife. Anwyn recited the verse in her head for comfort. "Names are sacred. They are a description of the person, and a gift from the heavens. Denying thy name is a crime." Emrys was there to assign names for Our God, Cilero, and his wife, Rosen. In a way, he was more important than the king. He was so old, only he knew his true age.
"Pretty Anwyn, I've wondered when you would decide to grace me with your presence. Tell me, how is your sister? Such a pretty baby she was." He murmured in a cracked voice.
Anwyn stiffened and looked away. "Alis is married and pregnant with her second child. A lady in the court of Braanagh."
The man laughed and touched the young woman's cheek. "Her name is noble sort, is it not? You should have known she would marry a lord, pretty Anwyn. And what about you? It has been a mere sixteen years since I named you as a newborn, and you are already here with a little girl."
She dipped her head and muttered bitterly, "I had many suitors. My father married me off for a few extra coins in his pocket. Money is hard to come by now."
"I'm not surprised, pretty one. I named you fair, and I am never wrong." He stared at the girl's grey eyes and pale brown hair.
Anwyn clenched her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again, scared Emrys could see the faint sheen of tears on her eyes.
"Please Emrys, just name the child. Fatmir is waiting for his dinner at home and the sun is setting."
Emrys smiled again, his intent obvious. He was keeping her so he would have company for a little while longer. "How long have you been married to Fatmir? I named him...twenty and two years ago. A slight age difference in this marriage." Emrys asked as if he hadn't already known.
"Ten months. We've been married for ten months."
The old man laughed, a dry, crackling sound. "You became pregnant within one month of marriage?" He paused, considering the girl before him. "Of course, I'm not surprised. With your fair face and long hair, few men would have been able to resist themselves in his situation. He could not, I see. Does he treat you well?"
His frank stare raised more bumps on Anwyn’s arms and she straitened her back. "I don't see how that is your business." She meant for the statement to come out sounding assertive, but it just sounded meek.
He laughed at her bravery and walked circles around the girl and her daughter. "I'm just wondering. I am not in favour of treating women like household animals. I named Fatmir well. He is lucky. That name suits him. A pretty little daughter and a beautiful wife in his bed. 'Tis a shame you have given him no sons, but I'm sure there will be an heir for his fortune at some point."
He took the small child from Anwyn's arms. He set his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, and muttered a prayer to Cilero and Rosen. He shuddered and pulled back. Anwyn took her still sleeping child from the man's trembling arms.
"Our God's heavenly wife gave me the gift of prophesy. I use it to name Braanagh's children, and have for over two thousand years. I am an old, old man, Anwyn," His pain filled eyes seemed tortured and endless. "This has only happened four times in those years. That is a very special child you hold in your arms, pretty one"
Anwyn's eyes widened and she held her baby closer, rapidly looking back and forth at Emrys and her baby. "What is wrong with her?"
Emrys seemed to not hear and continued mumbling. "Normally I see a child’s life until their first born child, but this girl...I don't understand. Her life is clouded from me. Her name...."
He stared at the baby's grey eyes. Then he pulled back his head slightly and blinked rapidly a few times.
"Peregrin."
"But, Peregrin is a boys name--"
"She has spoken!" Emrys cried out. "Our God's heavenly wife has spoken to me for the first time in two hundred years. You need to listen!"
To Anwyns shock, Emrys fell to the floor and sobbed. "Leave."
She hesitated for a moment.
"Leave!" The man grabbed a heavy book off the bookshelf closest to him and threw it Anwyn. She ran out of the small hut as fast as her dress allowed her to. She pressed Peregrin to her chest and silent tears flowed down her face until she
reached home
.


I love this. I really, really love it. You /need/ to write more. The description is superb, it's interesting and exciting, but it's not overkill, which is key. There's only one thing that would make this story better, and that's if you split the paragraphs, one big chunk makes it daunting for the reader, and can put them off reading it at all. Personally I don't have a huge problem with it, but there are a few people I know who would.

Keep writing,

~Crimsona
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Fri May 06, 2011 11:54 am
Ruth says...



Hey there! Here as requested to do whatever I can. :D

Okay. Well, first things first, you're setting up a fascinating plot here. I'm very interested to see where it goes. Your characters are very original, and your description in some places is lovely. However, I did have a problem with it from very early on. You tend to write in short, simple sentences. This is fine or even good in small quantities, but it gets rather tiresome very quickly. It also means you're doing a lot of telling the reader what's going on, but it's very hard to visualise. You had a lot of interesting things to say, but as you can see, they naturally become harder to read and appreciate because the structure feels very repetetive. Using a mixture of short and simple, and long and complex sentences makes a huge difference, helping the reader to understand what's going on and follow the passage without getting fed up with it, so that your description is able to make its fullest impact.

There are a handful of spelling and grammar mistakes, but I won't go through and nitpick. Instead, if your word processor doesn't have a spellchecker, you can use an online one such as this one, but I'd always recommend proofreading it very carefully yourself, and possibly getting a beta-reader for a second pair of eyes.

I'd love to see you build more on the characterisation, too. You present Emrys as the authority figure, highly revered, and Anwyn as the meek and lowly mortal, but you open their interaction with Anwen summoning Emrys with authority, which doesn't sit quite right. There are quite a few places in which Anwen seems too bold or disrespectful for this sort of situation, and I'd like to see the inconsistency a little more thoroughly dealt with.

I hope we're going to see more of Emrys and Anwyn in future! I'm expecting the novel to be focused on Peregrin, but you've given the reader some very interesting characters and it would be a shame to waste the opportunity. I did really enjoy this, and I'm looking forward to reading more of the novel.

Well, I hope I helped! If there's anything more I can do, or anything I've said that could be further explained, please let me know. I'd be glad to help in any way I can.

~ Ruth
"Ruth.
She's alive because she is not dead,
and junk."
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