Young Writers Society

Thousands and thousands of paper cranes litter the floor, memories folded into the oragami paper. Her ratty sneakers crunch over them, like autumn leaves, shades of red and orange. She stops.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing."

"So why am I here?"

He shrugs, smiling with his eyes. She smirks. It is hard to explain what they are to each other. In one lifetime, they are best friends. In another world, they're in a relationship. In a different one, they're nothing but strangers who bumped into each other on the sidewalk. An eye through the carved sea glass, will show them as siblings, neighbors, classmates, friends and enemies. Their relationship is unending but in every universe, inevitable. They are everything and nothing to each other.

"Honestly, though. Why am I here? I thought you said I couldn't come back."

"You can't. I'm a bit bored."

"Well, how is this my problem?"

"It's not. I guess you can leave if you want,"

She bites her lip, musing the pros and cons of staying.

"Eh. I'll stay for a bit,"

She turns, faces the wall closest to her, tiny scribble scrabbles all over. She walks closer, eyes squinting to read the miniscule handwriting.

I wish Daddy would get better. I wish she loved me. I wish for a pony. I wish for a perfect score on my AP Euro exam. I wish for faith. I wish for hope. I wish for him to notice me. I wish I didn't have cancer. I wish for one more wish. I wish the world was a utopia. I wish for world domination. I wish for my dreams to come true. I wish that I wasn't so fat. I wish -

She turns her head and faces the next wall, which was covered top to bottom in expired MetroCards.

"Are those from when you went to New York?"

"Nope. A present from a friend,"

Her eyes widen and her fingers fiddle with loose threads on her Elmo skinny jeans.

"I thought you said no one else could come here?"

"They can't"

They stare at one another. She tilts her heads and narrows her muddy brown eyes, searchng for the definition of life in his ocean blue iris'. The sudden images of babies crying and children dropping vanilla ice cream and hipsters smoking their cigarettes and goths leaning on walls and cheerleaders screaming GOTEAMGO and Walmart salespeople going HelloisthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith and alcoholics taking a swig and potheads taking a hit and idiots laughing and fireworks bursting over Mickey' Mouse's head and life bloomed and blossomed all over the pages of her mind.

"Well. Okay. I'm gonna leave now."

He gets up from the worn navy couch, stretches his arms then walks to her, his pace lazy and slow.

"You might need this,"

He hands her a paper crane, her fingers passing through his like fog, smoke twining up delicately into the air.

"Make a wish,"

-----

She wakes.

Hi there!

This is a short piece, but sometimes shorter is better!

Anyway, I'd like to know where you are going with this? Surely this is just the start of something bigger, because right now is has no real plot line.

This leaves more questions than answers for me at this stage.

However, I do like the way you described the origami as "Like autumn leaves, shades of red and orange."

Terrific.

Please write more!

~ T.K

xD I think that was the point, Tommy. No point. Thanks for the review!

First of this really sounds like a book called shiver that I've read, I don't know if youve heard of it at all but your idea is basically coping it. I liked the idea but it was a bit hard to follow, I never knew who was talking or why they were talking or what the conversation was about. Some detail would really bring it together. Make sure you know that people are going to understand what your putting out before it leaves the editing stage.

Coooooool. Well, you need a question mark for that first question. There's really no excuse for that comma. Also, change the comma in the middle of the first sentence into a semicolon.
That's really all I noticed up front. Your style is pretty cool and the untold story is just bursting to get out. This is a very nice ignition piece around which the reader can build a world of possibilities.
So again, coooooool.

Hey, I didn't quite know what this was supposed to be, but I liked it. Very mysterious and all, but it was missing a plot line. There were a lot of meaningful parts where the two characters interacted, but as readers, too much is left up to us. Are they lovers? Sister and brother? Or just friends? The imagery was great, I loved the origami cranes idea. Did you know that it's an actual superstition in Japan that making a thousand cranes grants you one wish?
I practice origami, and make cranes all the time. So far I've got up to 27.
Anyway, I saw that this was entered in a contest. Good luck with that!

@mandapanda: Actually, from what Wikipedia and Amazon tells me, Shiver is about wolves. I'm not sure how a random 200 word story that never mentions wolves or even dogs is "coping" Shiver. I'll probably change it a little to make the dialogue a little easier to navigate. Thanks for the review!

@Charcoal: Thanks for the review! I didn't catch those grammar mistakes.

@tr3x: Lol, yeah, I did the "Make a wish" line because of the thousand paper cranes superstition. Thanks for the review!

Hey Jasmine!

Here as promised.

"Well, how is this my problem?"

It should be "that" because she's referring to something outside herself.

"It's not. I guess you can leave if you want,"

"Nope. A present from a friend,"

"They can't"

You only end the dialog with a comma if you're not using speech tag. So better change those commas to periods.

She turns, faces the wall closest to her, tiny scribble scrabbles all over. She walks closer, eyes squinting to read the miniscule handwriting.

There are too many commas that it makes the flow choppy. I suggest you add a conjunction. And this paragraph shows that she tends to move a lot. Why don't you make the pace slower? ^______^

She tilts her heads and narrows her muddy brown eyes, searchng for the definition of life in his ocean blue iris'.

"Head" and "searching". Watch out for your typos.

Also, the part when she looks at his eyes searching for the definition of life...? Well, it doesn't make any sense. I don't want to sound harsh at all, however, it doesn't complement the paragraph before (or even after) this. It needs more explanation and bit of a sense. I know that is a metaphorical statement but it doesn't stand well enough on its own.

The sudden images of babies crying and children dropping vanilla ice cream and hipsters smoking their cigarettes and goths leaning on walls and cheerleaders screaming GOTEAMGO and Walmart salespeople going HelloisthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith and alcoholics taking a swig and potheads taking a hit and idiots laughing and fireworks bursting over Mickey' Mouse's head and life bloomed and blossomed all over the pages of her mind.

Whoa. You need to slow down. I don't think this is even a paragraph, more like a sentence. A run-on sentence. It makes the flow run and run, making the readers read until the very last word. Remember, everyone needs to pause and breathe. xD With that being said, you should add conjunctions. I'm also intrigued of the sudden italic phrases and imagination of the girl.

"Make a wish,"

-----

She wakes.

The ending doesn't leave me interested at all. Or nothing ever crossed to my mind like, "I want another of this!" Just plainly "okay" played at the back of my mind. If this is a dream then you should have ended it nicely. The way you finished it makes me think, "where is the point of this?" >.<

~

Considering this is a flash fiction, you deserve a pat on the shoulder. It's not the best yet not the least. You have entertained me but not that great. Pfft. I don't want to sound rude but it's just how I show my honest opinions. Okay? ^^

First of all, you need a stronger character. Yes this is in a third person point of view but you seem to limit yourself on how you describe the two persons and things around them. Their relationship is a blur as what you stated. And this leaves us this kind of mystery. That's good, but it's confusing at the end. Because as I came across the last paragraph, I couldn't conclude whether they're just friends, or sharing a steady relationship.

Second thing is that I don't like how you don't add speech tags. Without it, I don't know who's talking and who's not. An action tag can be added but we need specificity in your story.

Last is that you should expand your story. You might start asking yourself, "but this is just supposed to be short?!"

Relax. I'm not only talking about the length. It's how you expand more your characters. Developing them well. Though I like how they are unnamed, and the introductory part... but it's just not enough. Why don't you build a bigger and better space for your characters? Don't tell me just because this is a flash fiction, doesn't mean you can't provide us a good and concrete story plot and relationship between the two characters.

Also I don't think there was really a conflict going on here. Even if there was, elaborate it more.

Overall, this story can be turned into something better. I hope you understand my point. I mean, you don't want your readers to be like this ---> T_T at the end of the story. ^______^

This review is based entirely on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri