Young Writers Society

Whom did her eyes search,
in this vast ocean of vagabonds?
Travelers of desire wandering around.
The more they walked.
The more they were separated.
Dreams were their destiny and,
destiny was their dream.
Paths emerged from paths.
I do not know for what, did
travelers of desire wander.


Old memories block her way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?
Come. We shall sit, under the shade of old days.
Let’s talk about those golden moments.
When a flower had blossomed.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When a voice glistened, like moonlight on your face.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When pearls pelted down your eyes.
Old memories block her way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?

The truth is that, it’s all my fault.
I desired to touch the moon.
Asked for the sky to be on the ground.
Desired of flowers to bloom on stones.
Searched for fragrance in thorns.
Wished for the fire to be cold.
Searched for warmth in ice.
Wanted all my dreams to come true.
I had to get punished for this.
The truth is that, it’s all my fault.

Just one small thing for I am in hurry. Please forgive me for being so abrupt. I think the 'who' in the first line should be 'whom'.

Just one small thing for I am in hurry. Please forgive me for being so abrupt. I think the 'who' in the first line should be 'whom'.

Sorry I mistyped it. I will change it right away. Thanks for pointing it out.

This is a beautiful poem. From what I've read (after going over it twice ), a young woman has started life as a nomad, because she's running away from her old or being forced from it after making "mistakes". I think the strongest stanza is the third, because there the pain and emotion really shines through, y'know? Makes you stop and read again.

Nitpicks: The very first line should have a "For" before the "Whom", methinks. And the first line is a bit misleading. I didn't know that she was merely looking at the other travellers and wondering about their reasons for travelling, and it took me two reads to realize that she was not looking for a specific person amongst the travellers. But still, it's a minor nitpick.

In the second paragraph:

Old memories block my way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?
Come. We shall sit, under the shade of old days.
Let’s talk about those golden moments.
When a flower had blossomed.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When a voice glistened, like moonlight on your face.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When pearls pelted down her eyes.
Old memories block my way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?

The underlined parts I at first thought belonged to a single "voice", which was answered by a second "voice" on the next line. Then I realized both "voices" were one. So my nitpick here is, these underlines lines should run into the next line; they should be separated by a full stop but by a comma or enjambment. And:

When pearls pelted down her eyes.

If the voices are talking to the narrator, shouldn't "her" be "your"?

I think the third stanza is near-perfect. The only thing wrong with it is again, the periods at the end of each line. And again, I think using commas or enjambment to connect them would serve better than periods.

But altogether, this was a brilliant piece. I'm really looking forward to another poem of yours; great job and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P.S. There's a typo in the title. Fault, not Falult.

Hey there, ehte!

Now before I begin I must tell you first that I'm a terrible poet and poetry reviewer. However, I always do my best to provide a decent reviews so don't be bothered if I say something weird or mention something that has nothing to do with poetry because I swear, I've done that before. xD

On to the review. . .

Honestly, I really liked this poem and it was really good. I like the way you captured the emotions and the descriptions and words that you used were simple but were able to get the point across quite well which in some cases, can be difficult to do without having the poem feel 'easy'.

I agree with Tigersprite that your third stanza was the strongest stanza. It's probably because it put things together and really relished a powerful emotion and was something that you'd think about for a while after reading it.

I had one concern really, that was in the second stanza. I don't really understand why you mean by saying all that. I know that it's a connection to the next stanza but I get a distant feeling from it. Blame me and my inexperienced poetry-self. lol. One more thing, why do you say just 'a flower, a voice' instead of 'flowers, voices?" Why singular and not plural?
You then go and say 'her' eyes but we have no idea who 'she' is. The second stanza is the one that probably needs the most reworking than the others, in my opinion.

Work on the narration too, I find it quite confusing since you start off with 'whom did her eyes search' and then go and use first person and then use 'her' and then ahhhh, I just get confused to who is who and what is what. xD

However, looking past that. I find this to be a very good poem and I'm glad that I was given the chance to read this. It's quite beautiful. ^__^ The message too, of being too greedy, came out quite well. Thank you for the wonderful read!

Let me know if you have any further questions! :D
-Shear

Hi, Ninety-two!

I don't usually review poetry, so pardon me if I'm completely useless here... but I'm working on it! I will try and be as helpful as possible. Also, please excuse me if I suggest things that are completely wrong--it's all just my ever-ignorant opinion. Anyhow, first off, I'll just point out some nit-picky things:

The more they walked.
The more they were separated.

That should be a comma after "walked" instead of a period.

Dreams were their destiny and,
destiny was their dream.

It seems to me that the comma should be before the "and" rather than after it.

I do not know for what, did
travelers of desire wander.

This confuses me. :/ I think you're trying to say that you don't know why they were wandering, right? But if you're going to use that archaic sentence structure, I recommend you save the title "travelers of desire" in another spot--I love it, but it only served to confuse me here because I thought you were talking about them desiring wander... which didn't really make sense to me. Or, another thing you might try would be to say "I do not know for what,/the travelers of desire did wanter." I'm not sure if that makes more sense to you or not, but it does to me.

When a flower had blossomed.

Is there a reason that this isn't simply "When a flower blossomed."? That seems more natural to me.


Overall, I think this is a nice poem. In particular I like the second stanza, because I think you paint a beautiful emotional portrait in it--it is haunting and nostalgic and touching. You might want to put what the voices are saying in italics, because it took me a few readings to understand that they were quotes--but that's completely up to you, of course. You have some really nice imagery in this poem. It was a lot of fun to read.

That said, though, I have to admit that I was a little confused about what you meant by the poem. >.> Don't get me wrong, I love abstract things... I love reading poems that are more about the mood and the imagery than the "plot" or message. But the way that this is written makes me feel like I should be getting something that I'm not. Again, though, it might just be that this is over my head. Anyway, let's see if I can try and explain why I'm confused.

I liked the first two stanzas, and they really seemed to fit nicely together--the first was describing the freedom and the beauty and the mystery of this nomadic life, and the second was describing the less glamorous side of it. The realistic side. The painful side. Whether the nomadic imagery is metaphorical or literal, I still like this shift quite a lot.

But then the third stanza comes, and the poem changes completely. I like the writing here, but I'm just not sure how well it fits in with the rest of it. You only mentioned an "I" character once before now, and I assumed them to be an abstract figure--just a narrator. But you bring him/her back in the third stanza, and he/she is very personal, very immediate, very involved. This becomes a poem about the "I" character, and I found that shift rather jarring. I'd suggest either making them be much more prevalent, or much less prevalent, but making it a bit more consistent. I can see you not wanting the "I" character in the second stanza too much, because that (to the best of my understanding) is really a portrait of the girl. But maybe make them a bigger part of the first stanza? Either that, or tone down the last stanza so it is less of the narrator talking to the reader about themself.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if I made that point very well... and I think that's mainly because I'm not exactly sure what the point was. >.> I can't quite put my finger on it. But if you want to discuss any of this, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it! PM me or post on my wall if you feel like it.

I hope this helps somewhat.

a

Good job. Your poems are really fantastic. Very moving this piece. Good luck and Happy Writing!!! I will keep reading more of your works when I have time. Hugs* Good luck to you and your poems. Hopefully you will continue to improve and get better ^^. Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hey Ehte! Here as requested! Sorry it took me so long to get here, it's been a rough few days. >.<

Anyways - it would seem that you already have quite a few very good reviews here, so I don't know how much I'll be able to add. oo" I apologize in advance for any repetition or shortness.

Now, onto the review.

First of all, I will say that I definitely agree with the above reviewers when they say that this poem is beautiful. The emotion and imagery were captured and portrayed very well, so props on that. I won't spend too much time congratulating you for having good imagery, emotion and all of those such things, though. I did have a few bits that I just didn't like that much, so I'll move onto pointing those out.

in this vast ocean of vagabonds?

Vast ocean... I'm just not a fan of the line for one reason. Referring to a large group of people as an 'ocean' or a 'sea' of people is a bit cliche. Some cliches, I let slide - but there are some that I'm annoyingly picky about. That is one of them, I'm sorry to say. xD

Aside from that quote, I disagree that your second stanza was your weakest - I actually liked that one. It was your first stanza that I didn't like as much - more the beginning of it than the end. The first few lines just seemed... a bit... off? to me. First lines are what hook a reader in poetry - or, in most cases anyways. "Whom did her eyes search" just didn't seem... original enough to be a hook. But that's just my opinion.

Your third stanza had some beautiful imagery, but the repetition seemed like a little much to me. It was probably intentional, but I don't know, it was just a bit... annoying. "I was the one, I was the one..." There was just something I didn't really like about it. The imagery was awesome, though.

Hope this helps.

~~Ish

Great! I enjoyed it (: I felt like I was getting to know you as a writer and not just seeing the piece as just another poem. You've got a different voice.
One suggestion I have is to use more powerful verbs/adjectives. Consult a thesaurus and maybe your sky could "blanket" the ground instead of it just being. Otherwise, very nice! <3

I'm going to be completely honest right now. I didn't like it. I felt that the complex vocabulary and the amount of imagery took away from the realness of the event. I didn't believe it, because it felt very forced and fake. I liked the idea though, i just think you could have pulled it off a little differently.

if you have any questions or anything PM me.
-emily

Woah... This was really, very good. I hadn't expected this when I clicked on it and am glad I was wrong. The repetition of the second paragraph/stanza was great and it added a flow to it that isn't seen much. Kudos. I really like this!

Whom did her eyes search,
in this vast ocean of vagabonds?
Travelers of desire wandering around.
The more they walked.
The more they were separated.
Dreams were their destiny and,
destiny was their dream. <--- you give this idea of separation and then you speak of it almost being a closer knit thing than something of sparseness. I would reword this as well because the lines in themselves give off a wonky feel when itcomes to your sentence structure.
Paths emerged from paths.
I do not know for what, did
travelers of desire wander.


Old memories block her way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?
Come. We shall sit, under the shade of old days.
Let’s talk about those golden moments.
When a flower had blossomed.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When a voice glistened, like moonlight on your face. <--- you jumped from 'she' to 'you'. I'm confused as to who this poem is supposed to be directed at because of the jumping around, nor what I'm supposed to be taking from this because of that fact.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When pearls pelted down your eyes. <---... as much as pearls are pretty imagery, that just sounds like it hurts.
Old memories block her way and whisper;
For how long will you wander, in this burning heat?

The truth is that, it’s all my fault. <--- and then you jump it to yourself. You are engaging a lot of people into one poem which is ballsy to say the least, but in this case, confusing.
I desired to touch the moon. <-- what does this half to do with her or me?
Asked for the sky to be on the ground.
Desired of flowers to bloom on stones.
Searched for fragrance in thorns.
Wished for the fire to be cold.
Searched for warmth in ice. <--- this imagery is silly next to the above sentences.
Wanted all my dreams to come true.
I had to get punished for this.
The truth is that, it’s all my fault.

Okay so blue is my personal opinions of what should be changed, and the red is what needs to be changed.

Overall:

The truth is, this poem confused me.

You jump around a lot, and though I can see there is a story behind this, we, as readers, don't get it. We just get a jumble of some very lovely imagery and some very sloppy, ill-worded areas. You want to show us what she or we or you did wrong. Why is it your fault that she watches vagabonds or stares down memory's path? From what I can tell, there really isn't anything you should be blaming yourself for.

Because of this, I found your poem to be flighty and lacking in a strong basis. I can see that you want to write poetry as you flesh out imagery thats... interesting, to say the least, but without a solid sketeton to this piece, all you really have is a jumble of words.

~Walker

Hi, ehte. Sorry this took so long. >.<

Nitpicks:

Whom did her eyes search,
in this vast ocean of vagabonds?
- I don't think you need to put a comma after 'search'.

Travelers of desire wandering around.
The more they walked.
- Use a comma instead of a period after 'around'.

I do not know for what, did
travelers of desire wander.
- Perhaps, you meant: 'I do not know for where did travelers of desire wander.'?

Let’s talk about those golden moments.
When a flower had blossomed.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When a voice glistened, like moonlight on your face.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When pearls pelted down your eyes.
- Use commas instead of periods after the 'moments'.
- Also, I think it'll flow better if you didn't put the 'Let's talk about those moments'.

I desired to touch the moon.
Asked for the sky to be on the ground.
Desired of flowers to bloom on stones.
Searched for fragrance in thorns.
Wished for the fire to be cold.
Searched for warmth in ice.
Wanted all my dreams to come true.
- I think it's more appropriate to use commas instead of periods here except the last one.
- Anyway, these words are beautiful!


I like how poetic you wrote this poem, ehte. ^_^ However, my problem is I can't get the story clear. It seems like it's about love or relationship. I'm not sure. >.< It's like there was more focus in the words than the story.

Never stop writing.