Young Writers Society

A/N: A villanelle. Views expressed therein may or may not reflect my actual opinions.

For that which lies within
of every one of us, both young and old,
will soon result in sin.

You're just like all our kin,
intently watching TV violence, sold
for that which lies within.

Scenes change beneath the skin
until you know the knife which you now hold
will soon result in sin.

Amid this monstrous din
don't hope to hear the victims, whom you mauled
for that which lies within.

Despise the room you're in.
The judge will say, "Your hatred, hot or cold,
will soon result in sin."

And now, your wicked grin
further infects us all, both young and old,
for that which lies within
will soon result in sin.

I absolutely LOVE villanelles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I LOVE VILLANELLES, they are sooooooooooooooooooooooo clever!!!!!!!!!

And I really liked this even though I can't really grasp it; you really had two strong and incredibly compatible refrains there, and that pushed the poem really well, because knowing how villanelles end, I got really exited and interested by the halfway mark.

If you love villanelles as much as I obviously do, then you should definitely read "Mad Girl's Love Song" by Sylvia Plath, which is one of my most favorite poems. And if you ever write another one again, feel free to PM me so I can drool over it!

I'm a heterosexual guy, but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gay for Villanelles.

Thank you very much.

P.S. great comment about TV violence, which is definetely having negative effects; just maybe be a bit more clear in what you are talking about, I know it's hard to find enough words that rhyme together, but they don't HAVE to rhyme, so don't be afraid to experiment.

"For that which lies within, will soon result in sin."

1000 stars!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gay for Villanelles.

Erm.

That was actually really cool. I quite enjoyed it. My favorites are the third and last stanzas. I ghink the story you held was so ensnaringvthat it was easy to let the tempo slide away. I usually hate poems that do not have a smooth constant rhythm, a stream of tempo. But this was so easily put together the lack of rhythm becomes a subtlty. The only thing that broke it up much was "young and old" but that emphasises the point of EVERYONE. Honest, brilliant job! Congrats on the featuring.

Kafkaescence wrote:

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gay for Villanelles.

Erm.

Ditto....


Anyway, this is a good villanelle. Usually they're hellish to write and even more difficult to do well. However, I think you did very well. You followed the format, had an interesting message, and it was entertaining. Do I agree with the message? Not really. But it's well executed; and overall good work.

Keep writing!

-Tori

Damnit. I thought if this was terrible I'd have an excuse to keep being lazy. No more excuses...

(P.S. Who decided villanelles are male, anyway? Or that they, you know, have a gender.)

Hi Carbon, as requested.

I dislike villanelles, or any sort of formatting really. But that's me.
This poem, regarding content and choices you made, is terribly pretentious.
The ideology you're worried you'll communicate is minute and terribly uneffective in the construction of this poem. Like after the first two lines I really didn't care much to pay attention because you've done nothing to help with poem, word choice is hard to read, the entire poem fails to read together, the rhyming is pretty basic.

One reason I dislike villanelles so much is because it's very very hard to take such a specific poetry form and make it good. Because not only have you restricted yourself so much, but if the beginning doesn't work, you'll take the rest of the poem with you.

You're just like all our kin,
intently watching TV violence, sold
for that which lies within.

Upon reading this, what does it do for you. It tells me nothing except for that he intently watched TV violence.
So, not only is there nothing for me to think about because you tell it to me straight (considering there's nothing beneath the surface of this poem, it's floating like oil on top of water) but it's also so very awkwardly worded. Changing the order of how something should be worded will do nothing for anyone, except for maybe as a nuisance for your reader's tongue.

Amid this monstrous din
don't hope to hear the victims, whom you mauled
for that which lies within.

That second line reads so weirdly and is generally an awful line. whom you mauled? Please. Have some decency and give me some depth. Tossing this on the table without cooking it, the reader can't absorb it like that. Not because it's difficult raw with emotion, rather it's blunt and uneffective in communicating ANYTHING whatsoever.

I just said this in a previous review but:

saying red isn't going to help detail to the reader what a red flower looks like, it could be any old flower. Not the specific one you want us to see.
same applies to action, I personally have never seen a mauling. But that's just me. You have to really use words well, to not only communicate the image of a mauling, but the feeling behind it. A phrase that paints a picture with punch. You haven't harnessed your words to have any impact on the reader. It's a rhyming and repititious grocery list.

Kamas

Not your best, i felt the flow intended and lack much emotions............. the rhyme with "in" in each line didn't help the mood at all.... sorry it just my opinion...
Good job and keep up