Young Writers Society

Come in

Won’t you come into my parlour, says Jack Nicholson to Shelley Duvall.
No you stupid woman, don’t hit me with the baseball bat
I want to see a sexy ghost.
I want to see a sexy ghost
because they’re always very sexy;
sex and blood and coo-coo-cachoo
by the Dakota Building,
outside the Dakota Building with Lindsay Lohan.
Come in, says John.
Come in, says Jack.
Break glass in case of spousal insanity;
get away from me, Linda Blair.
If we’re mad then it’s a rainbow with all the colours running down,
colors American, colours upper-class twit.
Make me a rainbow, make me a witching.

Oh dear lord. As a reviewer, I am at a lose for words xD.

So, because of the fact that I read this over about six times and still can't discern even the slightest meaning from it (not your fault. Mine xP), I'll give my opinion on structure, flow, and what I assume to believe this piece is about.

So first off, I will say you give a ton of imagery in this piece. So much is going on that I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I get a lot of breaking and almost grotesque images swirling through my brain because of it which is interesting.

I love the fact you name dropped so much in this piece. People tend to forget that when you put a name in of someone who is known to be a bit of a rebel or diva, the piece itself can become of the same regard so as you get the feeling of something more disturbing or out of control in a controlled manner xD.

Either way, I adore the sound and flow of this poem. I love the color and imagery. You give a very interestingly worded piece of poetry here.

If anything, maybe have a spoiler explaining the madness awesomeness behind this poem? .
That and you have a ton of long lines then short lines. Maybe try to even them out a little better if possible.

Other than that, truly sorry I couldn't be of more help xP.
~Walker

Hey,

Thanks for requesting a review, but I don't think I can help much with this poem because I don't really know what it's about. I can't find any meaning to it, even literal menaing. I think it's also hard to relate to it because you throw around alot of celebrity names. I just didn't like this, sorry. I think if you reworked it, added some meaning of some sort, and put more description into it that it could be better. I know this is an awful review, but i really don't know what else to say. PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or need another review.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

There is always time for friends, my dear, particularly when that includes reviewing poetry. Yum! Let's see what you have here then...

Ah interesting. There's some great name dropping going on here and the tone itself is just splendid but the words and the way it's put together could use some help. I can see where you were going on the whole loneliness thing - TV references show that they spend more time with fictional people than real people - and the title and repeated come in added to that. However, if you had said nothing I probably wouldn't have reached that conclusion.

Won’t you come into my parlour, says Jack Nicholson to Shelley Duvall.
No you stupid woman, don’t hit me with the baseball bat [Alright so these are probably the specific events of some film or your own twist on them but it's hard for your reader to relate if they don't know the film. It's hard for them to really understand. So! What you might want to do is go into a little more detail. Instead of vague references, aim to give the reader a snap-shot of that scene so they don't need to know the context, they can just picture it. You don't need many more lines, just to fill in a few gaps. What happens between her being invited in and hitting him with a baseball bat? Is a plant knocked over? Does she smile? Know the details first and then build them into something of interest.]
I want to see a sexy ghost.
I want to see a sexy ghost
because they’re always very sexy;
sex and blood and coo-coo-cachoo
by the Dakota Building,
outside the Dakota Building with Lindsay Lohan. [I really like this section. It builds the tone really well and doesn't add much to the theme of loneliness admittedly but it's a nice little bridge of craziness.]
Come in, says John. [Wait, where has this Jack come from? You're introducing too many characters. Why not use Dakota or Lindsay here? Or even back to Shelley?]
Come in, says Jack.
Break glass in case of spousal insanity; [Maybe precede this with a line that's something like 'New rule:' simply because it would help the flow somewhat and make this insanity a little easier to follow. A crazy poem is good but either the structure has to make sense or the words have to make sense, they can't both be crazy! Give your reader something to cling on to while they puzzle out the other.]
get away from me, Linda Blair.
If we’re mad then it’s a rainbow with all the colours running down, [Nice image.]
colors American, colours upper-class twit. [If this is read too quickly, the change in spelling isn't noticed. I think you could add a few more words here, maybe even make this two line's worth of poetry and make it less abstract, less fragmented. I do like how the persona labels themself an upper-class twit though, a nice bit of characterisation there.]
Make me a rainbow, make me a witching. [I like the ending.]

Okay so I think we can both agree that the meaning is hard to get to in this piece but what's there is certainly entertaining and I'd like to see you make some of these images clearer but without losing the tone or the craziness of it. I think you need to pull your structure in and drop a few more hints, a few more references to who the persona is. Maybe a few more lines that actually have an 'I' like 'But I can't come in,/ I have to count the chimney tops' and then you can jump back to the rather nonsensical stuff but just every now and then break it up with things that sound crazy but are at least in some for answers. If you get what I mean?

Drop me a pm if you don't and I'll try harder to explain. Hope this helps!

Heather xxx