z

Young Writers Society


The Effect



User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1335
Reviews: 16
Fri Apr 08, 2011 3:55 am
BerlynnRae says...



Beep. Beep. It was time, I had hoped they couldn't find me. I guess it was inevitable my ship had recklessly crashed into a house on Earth. I was running from the most powerful and deadly army in the universe the alarm on the monitor told me i only had seconds to hide. I scrambled down the metal stairs, "Clumsy human feet," I muttered under my breath; my body had transformed into the most intelligent form on this planet. I was an alien here, I prayed I could fool my tracker who didn't have my luxury. Soon the hard metal was replaced with soft carpet. I was in the house now, I let my eyes adjust for only a moment.

The room had a computer of a lesser quality than one that was Nybot made. A TV occupied the opposite side of the room, slightly hidden in the corner. Papers and glass were scattered all over the floor. A couch, appeared overturned but it would be difficult to conceal my body behind. My heart pounded knowing only to well that Boyer, a solider and hunter from Roitart, would come down stairs. The alarm on my ship reverberated until it was silenced by a greater sound, the throbbing hum of a Roitartian ship. I scrambled behind the TV held by a small wooden stand. I clenched my teeth to conceal my breathing and grabbed my feet to form a undetectable and awkward ball.

My feet felt wet as if I had stepped in something soft and oozing. I scraped my naked feet but the fluid kept returning. I finally squeezed my hand around the now tender skin and then pressed my fingers to my lips. The taste seemed almost metallic, I gasped. Blood. Had I left a trial? I peered around the edge of the wooden stand. Empty. Boyer must have been searching my ship for me and the information I withdrew from any Roitart. They only rule that still hung its heavy law above our heads was, eternal enemies never formed alliances and forced peace is always war. I withdrew from my hiding place and forced my uncomfortable body on its hands and knees. I searched, from what little light was provided, for the trail. Bits of glass next to me reflected red marks. I hastily overturned them; making high pitch chimes of shattered glass echo to the enemy. The light faded as Boyer walked down the metal staircase. I scurried back, behind the TV and held my breath. Boyer was here and I was unprepared.

He hissed as his heavy boots crunched the glass. I slowly exhaled and peered around the corner. I saw him standing where I had stood only moments ago. His posture was more aggressive; the faded blue color to his skin seemed alien. His hands clenched and released in a rhythmic pattern. I would not look at his eyes, cruel and sinister Roitartian eyes, I knew they would be burning coal, black and fiery as night. I shoved my body back knocking the chips of glass. I froze. It was quiet aside from the repetitious warning my ship repeated.



Boyer laughed and I inhaled. The task I had been chosen for would never be completed. I closed my eyes and waited for the worst, I imagined Boyer's slender face inches from mine, smiling cruelly. The glass snapped and became grains of painful dust as Boyer stepped closer. I listened more intently, his breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs. One other sound caught my attention, the easy hum of a weapon, a gun I knew only too well. The sound of it's propeller as it spun and a single click of the trigger made me inhale and open my eyes.

I felt the heat radiate from the couch as it sizzled and popped, flames expanded to the ceiling and transformed the white into charred black. There was only one more place to look before I was found. His shoes, matted with broken glass scraped the shards as he took very deliberate steps towards the TV, to my hiding place, to me.

"Lieutenant Boyer! Please come in!" He hesitated, his weight ground the litter as he stood, "Lieutenant Boyer!" The voice repeated more loudly this time.

"Yes?" He said, speaking into a device I couldn't see. He walked away whispering quietly into the air. His voice hissed soft words into the receiver. I closed my eyes and listened as his boots rubbed into the glass embedded carpet. His voice trailed off as he slithered to the other side of the room. I hoped that his mumbled words would create a coherent sentence. My chest rose and fell, he was the ultimate hunter, I was cornered. He knew it, I knew it, and I could not escape.

An instant crack above me caught my attention as little pellets of water pounded on the broken residence. His signal would be lost with his superior officer unless he found another form of communication. I carefully planted my palms on the wicked shards, I felt the piercing presser as the broke my thin skin, embedding themselves uncomfortably into my hands. My eyes blurred as a single drop of water spilled from them. I pushed down on the glass harder so I could look around the small feeble wooden stand to view my soon to be murderer. Boyer was seated and attempted to use the computer to pass information. His hands thrummed the desk anxiously as he waited.

I looked up the stairs, which served as an exit in the middle of the room for both him and me. I stared at the ground now as the rain beat fists of water on the remains of the roof and the fire crackled next to me, there was no place for the bare feet to find relief. I glanced at a larger piece of glass, the fires bright light burned back to me, it was the only way. I decided. As soon as the material I saw in the large shard ignited, I would run. I would flee to my ship and lock the door. The blaze seemed to dance around the cotton pattern, avoiding the very spot that would launch me into flight. Ash floated around the light, lading softly, like downy.

I stole a glance at Boyer, who was still gazing into the labyrinth of the monitor. I reassessed how I was going to run without being heard, he was only a few feet at most from me. The rain would not allow me to speak, it was not loud enough. Looking down at the mirror, the reflected image of the cloth began to spark, and the fire drank the color of the couch. One last glance at Boyer's still face I ran, ignoring the fact that if I was heard he would kill me. I was surprised how light on my feet I was, the glass hadn't moved beneath me.

I reached the first step and was abducted by fear, my heart pounded loudly as I pivoted on the carpet to confirm my safety. I sighed, he was still staring at the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of eyes I knew only to well staring back at me. My stomach dropped. I licked my dry lips. Starting at those vile eyes I ran. I could hear him pursuing me. I tripped on the wet, slick, floor scraping the top of my foot and falling on my hands, almost hitting my head on the elaborate staircase. The wood railing next to me transformed into charcoal black with a a gaping cavity. The bullets rapidly embedding themselves on the banister i covered my head and sprinted. My lungs seemed always empty, legs unrested. I looked back at my hunter as I rounded a corner to my ship, his flaming eyes were to close, his fingers were too happy on the trigger. I saw patience in his wicked smile; I knew he would wait until he was close enough to strike.

I scurried into my ships cabin, diving on the metallic floor and reaching my arms out until I slid next to my chair. I grabbed the gun and shot back. He dodged into the hall. The open door was vacant. It stood menacingly almost beckoning me to it. Desiring me to peer around the edge of the frame and find my greatest fear. A Roitartian hunter. I scrambled onto the chair, and turned my ship on, typing foreign keys on a computer pad. Placing my gun on the counter I listened closely as iron bullet castings fell to the ground, his gun was loaded. I heard the shot but did not feel the impact, my leg gave way and I toppled to the ground. Boyer stood in the middle of the door way, his eyes set on me and gun facing the floor.

"I'm sorry Reva," he mocked. He stepped forward, as if he wanted to see my face at a closer distance when he shot. I reached back where I left my gun and fired. He lunged back and screeched, clutching his left eye. I fired again, this time at the key pad next to the door. It shut and loud banging from the other side echoed, as if he was pounding on the door. Lighting cracked, and Boyer's wails shattered through the door to my ears making my hair stand on end.

"Computer!" I shouted, "Take us as far as we can go!" I sat at my desk, my ship hummed as it detached from the broken house. I examined my leg. "Just a graze..." I mumbled. Beams crashed onto my ship as I attempted to free myself from what would be a very unfamiliar grave.

"Ship power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere." The computer stated. The sky outside screamed and streams of hard water whipped my broken ship. My glorious ship finally rose above the roof, into the stormy night. Boyer's ship was casually sprawled on the lawn. The feared Roitartian symbol pasted on his ship told me I could not hide, but I would try running.

"Computer!" I ordered, my last plan stirring in my head, "Fire!"

I knew that would completely drain all of my ships energy. I felt it pulling back, sucking any form of power; from the lights, the medical unit, and the excess oxygen. The artificial lights flickered as I ran through a narrow hall until I reached a pod. I was cramped and not meant for a human body. My ship lurched as Boyer fought back, I fell into the wall. My nose bled. The lights flickered again until the remaining bulbs were dim, it started draining energy again. Preparing for what would be the final shot; I buckled myself in and grabbed the pod door.

"Computer! Self destruct!" I commanded, slamming the door. My last escape and chance to destroy Boyer had become my last mission. My secret would die with me. I heard the count down and inhaled as his rapid fire rocked what was left of my protection. Three. The bullets blended in sync with the thunder creating a perfect symphony of chaos. Two. The rain pounded and I could not tell if it was my heart....my mind, raging or the storm outside tossing my body. One. I pressed the escape button in my small unusual pod. Then the world went black.
Last edited by BerlynnRae on Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1335
Reviews: 16
Fri Apr 08, 2011 3:59 am
BerlynnRae says...



This is a sci-fi I'm writing for a friend. I have to hand it to him by May 5th which means that it has to be edited before then. PLEASE YWS I need this to spic and span for this *cough* special someone's *cough cough* birthday. I will try posting the rest no later than the 22nd of this month. That should give *crosses fingers* hopefully enough editing time. Thank you.
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1335
Reviews: 16
Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:01 am
BerlynnRae says...



P.S. This is my first sci-fi ever. so please be nice about the technical things. :) thanks again!
  





User avatar
32 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1509
Reviews: 32
Sat Apr 09, 2011 6:15 pm
fire_of_dawn says...



Right away I can see you have a lot of run-on sentences. Those are when you string together several sentences.

I was running from the most powerful and deadly army in the universe. The alarm on the monitor told me i only had seconds to hide.


Right here, for instance, you could easily change the sentence into two.

The room had a computer of a lesser quality than one that was Nybot made.


What are you trying to say here? Is it simply that Nybot computers are superior?

I notice you have a setting that's not far from today technology-wise, except for the spaceships. I was very confused about the fire; was it burning the whole time? Why didn't the rain put it out?
"Do? I'll tell you what we'll do! We'll be ready!"
Matthias, from Redwall

"Life consists of doing the impossible."
Brother Fir, The Heir of Mistmantle
  





User avatar
1487 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 154417
Reviews: 1487
Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:32 pm
IcyFlame says...



I'm going to quote a whole chunk but as of yet I'm not sure if I have time or the patience to do the whole thing. Let's wait and see...

Nb: Np- new paragraph
fs- fullstop



BerlynnRae wrote:Beep. Beep. npIt was timefsI had hoped they couldn't find me. I guess it was inevitable my ship had recklessly crashed into a house on Earth. I was running from the most powerful and deadly army in the universe the alarm on the monitor told me ishould be a capital only had seconds to hide. I scrambled down the metal stairs, "Clumsy human feet," I muttered under my breath. Soon the hard metal was replaced with soft carpet. I was in the house now and I let my eyes adjust for only a moment.

The room had a computer of a lesser quality than one that was Nybot made. A TV occupied the opposite side of the room, slightly hidden in the corner. Papers and glass were scattered all over the floor. A couch, appeared overturned but it would be difficult to conceal my body behind. My heart pounded knowing only to well that Boyer, a solider and hunter from Roitart, would come down stairs. The alarm on my ship reverberated until it was silenced by a greater sound, the throbbing hum of a Roitartian ship. I scrambled behind the TV held by a small wooden stand. I clenched my teeth to conceal my breathing and grabbed my feet to form a undetectable and awkward ball. This paragraph is very list-like. I would suggest adding some connectives inbetween your sentences.

My feet felt wet as if I had stepped in something. I would then describe what it felt like. e.g. the squelch and the oozing sensation (you get the idea)I scraped my naked feet but the fluid kept returning. I finally squeezed my hand around the now tender skin of your hand or foot?and then pressed my fingers to my lips. The taste seemed almost metallic and I gasped. Blood. Had I left a trial? I peered around the edge of the wooden stand. Empty. Boyer must have been searching my ship for me and the information I withdrew from any Roitart. They only rule that still hung its heavy law above our heads was, eternal enemies never formed alliances and forced peace is always war. I withdrew from my hiding place and forced my uncomfortable body on its hands and knees. I searched, from what little light was provided, for the trail. Bits of glass next to me reflected red marks. I hastily overturned them; making high pitch chimes of shattered glass echo to the enemy. The light faded as Boyer walked down the metal staircase. I scurried back, behind the TV and held my breath. Boyer was here and I was unprepared.

He hissed as his heavy boots crunched the glass. I slowly exhaled and peered around the corner. I saw him standing where I had stood only moments ago. His posture was more aggressive; the faded blue color to his skin seemed alien. His hands clenched and released in a rhythmic pattern. I would not look at his eyes, cruel and sinister Roitartian eyes, I knew they would be burning coal, black and fiery as night. I shoved my body back knocking the chips of glass. I froze. It was quitewith the exception quiet aside from the eternal eternal? I don't think you have made this word choice correctly warning my ship repeated.


Boyer laughed and I inhaled [color=#FF4000]deeply[/color]. The task I had been chosen for would never be completed. I closed my eyes and waited for the worstcomma imagineding Boyer's slender face inches from mine, smiling cruelly. The glass snapped and became grains of painful dust as Boyer stepped closer. I listened more intently, his breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs. One other sound caught my attention, the easy hum of a weapon, a gun I knew only too well. The sound of it squealing 'hum and 'squealing' do not complement each other. You need to change one of them so that the descriptions match. as it spun and a single click of the trigger made me inhale and open my eyes.

I felt the heat radiate from the couch as it sizzled and popped, flames expanded to the ceiling and transformed the white into charred black. There was only one more place to look before I was found. His shoes, matted with broken glass scrapped the shards was he took very deliberate steps towards the TV, to my hiding place, to me.

"Lieutenant Boyer! Please come in!" He hesitated, his weight ground the litter as he stood, "Lieutenant Boyer!" The voice repeated more loudly this time.

"Yes?" He saidcomma speaking into a device I couldn't see. He walked away whispering quietly into the air. His voice hissed soft words into the receiver. I closed my eyes and listened as his boots rubbed into the glass embedded carpet. His voice trailed off as he slithered to the other side of the room. I hoped that his mumbled words would create a coherent sentence. Why not? My chest rose and fell, he was the ultimate hunter, I was cornered. He knew it, I knew it, and I could not escape.

An instant crack above me caught my attention as little pellets of water pounded on the broken residence. His signal would be lost with his superior officer unless he found another form of communication. I carefully planted my palms on the wicked shards, I felt the piercing presser as the broke my thin skin, embedding themselves comfortably why on earth would this bee comfortable? into my hands. My eyes blurred as a single drop of water spilled from them. I pushed down on the glass harder so I could look around the small feeble wood These last three words don't make any sense!. Boyer was seated and attempted to use the computer to pass information. His hands thrummed the desk anxiously as he waited.

I looked up the stairs, which served as an exit in the middle of the room for both him and me. I stared at the ground now as the rain beat fists of water on the remains of the roof and the fire crackled next to me, there was no place for the bare feet to find relief. I glanced at a larger piece of glass, the fires bright light burned back to me, it was the only way. I decided. You're listing again - 'I looked' 'I stared' 'I glanced'As soon as the material I saw in the large shard ignited, I would run. I would flee to my ship and lock the door. The blaze seemed to dance around the cotton pattern, avoiding the very spot that would launch me into flight. Ash floated around the light, lading softly, like downy.

I stole a glance at Boyer, who was still gazing into the labyrinth of the monitor. I reassessed how I was going to run without being heard, he was only a few feet at most from me or seen perhaps?. The rain would not allow me to speak, it was not loud enough. Looking down at the mirror, the reflected image of the cloth began to spark, and the fire drank the color of the couch. One last glance at Boyer's still face I ran, ignoring the fact that if I was heard he would kill me. I was surprised how light on my feet I was, the glass hadn't moved beneath me.

I reached the first step and was abducted by fear, my heart pounded loudly as I pivoted on the carpet to confirm my safety. I sighed, he was still staring at the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of eyes I knew only to well staring back at me. My stomach dropped. I licked my dry lips. Starting at those vile eyes I ran. I could hear him pursuing me. I tripped on the wet, slick, floor scraping the top of my foot and falling on my hands, almost hitting my head on the elaborate staircase. The wood railing next to me transformed into charcoal black with a a gaping cavity. The bullets rapidly embedding themselves on the banister i covered my head and sprinted. My lungs seemed always empty, legs unrested. I looked back at my hunter as I rounded a corner to my ship, his flaming eyes were to close, his fingers were too happy on the trigger. I saw patience in his wicked smile; I knew he would wait until he was close enough to strike. You have used a lot of description in this paragraph and while it is really good it can become overwhelming. Try to spread your adjectives out through the whole story and not just throw them all in at this point.

I shuffled not the right word if the MC is about to dive into my ships cabin, diving on the metallic floor and reaching my arms out until I slid next to my chair. I grabbed the gun and shot back. He dodged into the hall. The open door was vacant. It stood menacingly almost beckoning me to it. Desiring me to peer around the edge of the frame and find my greatest fear. A Roitartian hunter. starting to become list like again - watch it! I scrambled onto the chair, and turned my ship on, typing foreign keys on a computer pad. Placing my gun on the counter I listened closely as iron bullet castings fell to the ground, his gun was loaded. I heard the shot but did not feel the impact, my leg gave way and I toppled to the ground. Boyer stood in the middle of the door way, his eyes set on me and gun facing the floor.

"I'm sorry Revacomma" Hhe mocked. He stepped forward, as if he didn't want to miss.It wouldn't be 'as if he didn't want to miss' because as I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to miss. I hope this makes sense? The way ou have structured it implies that not wanting to be off target was not the reason he moved forward; yet I'm assuming it was the reason? I reached back where I left my gun and fired. He lunged back and screeched, clutching his left eye. I fired again, this time at the key pad next to the door. It shut and loud banging from the other side echoed, as if he was pounding on the doorFor me this doesn't seem right either. It might be the layout. Try reading it through and see if you can change it.. Lighting cracked, and Boyer's wails shattered this would be the time to use 'echoed'through the door to my ears making my hair stand on end.

"Computer!" I shouted, "Take us as far as we can go!" I sat at my desk, my ship hummed as it detached from the broken house. I examined my leg. "Just a graze..." I mumbled. Beams crashed onto my ship as I attempted to free myself from what would be a very unfamiliar grave.

"Ships power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere." The computer stated. The sky outside screamed and streams of hard water whipped my broken ship. My glorious ship finally rose above the roof, into the stormy night. Boyer's ship was casually sprawled on the lawn. The feared Roitartian symbol pasted on his ship told me I could not hide, but I would try running. You have repeated the word 'ship' very often in ths paragraph.

"Computer!" I ordered, the ultimate plan I'm not sure 'ultimate' is the right word here stirring in my head, "Fire!"

I knew that would completely drain all of my ships energy. I felt it pulling back, sucking any form of powerfrom where?. The artificial lights flickered as I ran through a narrow hall until I reached a pod. It was cramped and not meant for a human body. My ship lurched as Boyer fought back, I fell into the wall. My nose bled. The lights flickered again until the remaining bulbs were dim, it started draining energy again. Preparing for what would be the final shotsemi colon I buckled myself in and grabbed the pod door.

"Computer! Self destruct!" I commanded, slamming the door. My last escape and chance to destroy Boyer had become my last mission. My secret would die with me. I heard the count down and inhaled as his rapid fire rocked what was left of my protection. npThree. The bullets blended in sync with the thunder creating a perfect symphony of chaos. npTwo. The rain pounded and I could not tell if it was my heart....my mind, raging or the storm outside tossing my body. npOne. I pressed the escape button in my small unusual pod. npThen the world went black.



I liked the ending but you have a lot of improvements to make. You have many run-on sentences and ideas that do not fit together properly. You as the author obviously know the reasons behind certain things that happen but the reader does not. Although the suspense is a ke part of the plot you do not answer any questions and yet continue to pose more. On the other hand the MC's thinking leaves us no time to wonder what will happen. Their thought processes need to be elongated more. A final note is that we don't know if the MC is male or femle; it is not reflected in their thoughts or personality and this is a key part to the story as it afeects how it is read.
Feel free to ask me if you have any questions and I hope this didnt seem to harsh, I was just giving as much feedback as possible :)
  





User avatar
66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2947
Reviews: 66
Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:40 pm
HorsebackWriter says...



Ok, I see a lot of grammar mistakes here. But, I read Icyflame's review, and she seemed to have pointed out every thing that I saw. With a little work, this piece could rock!
"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter
  





User avatar
350 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 13307
Reviews: 350
Sat Apr 09, 2011 11:55 pm
Jenthura says...



I would review the technical side, but you said no technical nitpicks. However, one technical input that I had to make was that you never tell us he's an alien in a human body. It's hard to pick up on that without a single clue, but I got it anyways. You should mention early on that he's in a human avatar, that he can hardly feel pain (he sucks blood off his foot and the first thing he thinks about is if he left a trail) and that he's being pursued.
The first paragraph, the introduction, should explain and set up most of the elements in your story. I think that you should explain more, but remember to avoid info-dumping.
That's not my only review, but I haven't got a lot of time now, can I come back later?
Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-
  





User avatar
106 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3649
Reviews: 106
Sun Apr 10, 2011 12:33 am
View Likes
IgnisandGlacialis says...



Hiya! I noticed you requested a review on my wall, and as I haven't been particularly review-busy lately, I decided I'd oblige. I generally do in-depth reviews with (being a perfectionist) a lot on grammar as well as story, but I'm not sure if I have the time today, so bear with me if it isn't in-depth enough. :)
First off, I must say the story has promise. It's looking like a great, typical sort of sci-fi plot. There are a few things I'd like to point out, however, this standing.
The main character. Unless I missed it somewhere, you didn't give any indication as to whether they are male or female. My general impression is that they are female. Maybe it's the way they talk, or something, I don't know. You tell me if I am wrong.
Is this a first chapter or something? Or a short story? Because it isn't entirely clear what happens at the end. Does he/she die? Is Boyer destroyed? What happens? And the first time you mention that his/her mission is to destroy Boyer is at the very end. You might want to consider revising that.
There isn't a lot of background information. Where did they come from? What are they trying to do? Who are they, actually? Maybe you could fit some answers in subtly somewhere, I dunno.
Now, I did notice quite a few grammatical and structural errors. My custom is to go through this sort of thing sentence by sentence, but I know people don't like that, so I'll - er, try - not to do that. Please bear with me.
1.
Beep. Beep. It was time, I had hoped they couldn't find me. I guess it was inevitable my ship had recklessly crashed into a house on Earth.

You definitely need a new line after the "Beep. Beep." And a full stop would be more appropriate after "It was time" than a comma. And this last sentence - there is something that bugs me here, but I'm not sure what it is. Structure, I think - maybe it would be better phrased as something like this: "I guess it was inevitable that my ship would recklessly crash into a house on earth." Although of course now you need to answer the question: why was it inevitable?
2.
I was running from the most powerful and deadly army in the universe full stop here The alarm on the monitor told me i make that upper-case only had seconds to hide. I scrambled down the metal stairs, full stop "Clumsy human feet," I muttered under my breath. Soon the hard metal was replaced with soft carpet. I was in the house now, another full stop I let my eyes adjust for only a moment.

3. (Sorry, I might be doing this sentence by sentence anyway. :? )
A couch, appeared overturned but it would be difficult to conceal my body behind. This sentence is confusing. Do you mean that even though the couch was overturned it would be hard to hide behind? Consider revising the struture.My heart pounded knowing only too well that Boyer, a solider and hunter from Roitart, would come down the stairs.

" ... would come down the stairs." Somehow the usage of 'would' here seems a little weird. I don't know how you could change it though, so maybe you should leave it.
4.
They delete the 'y'. only rule that still hung its heavy law above our heads was, (you should probably delete 'its' and 'law')eternal enemies never formed alliances and forced peace is always war.

Good quote here, but still a little confusing. What's the relevance?
5.
It was quite with the exception of the eternal warning my ship repeated.

I am very much NOT getting this sentence here. Oh, wait - do you mean: "It was QUIET" rather than "quite"? I assume you do. Oh, and I think the usage of 'kept repeating' would be more apt than 'repeated' here, as 'repeated' suggests that the signal was repeated only once. But then, you did also use the word 'eternal' ... maybe you should delete it?
6.
I listened more intently, full stop. his breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs.

"His breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs". WHAT? Do you mean AS the poison oxygen filled his lungs? Why is the oxygen poison?
7.
... a single click of the trigger made me inhale and open my eyes.
But they've already inhaled.
8.
His shoes, matted with broken glass, scrapped scraped, I think the shards was what's up with the 'was'? he took very deliberate steps towards the TV, to my hiding place, to me.

9.
"Lieutenant Boyer! Please come in!" New line here. He hesitated, his weight ground the litter as he stood, full stop and another new line. "Lieutenant Boyer!" The voice repeated more loudly this time.

10.
the fire's bright light burned back to me.

11.
Ash floated around the light, landing softly, like downy.
Downy? Do you mean like bird's down?
12.
One last glance at Boyer's still face I ran, ignoring the fact that if I was heard he would kill me.
I think 'with' would be a good starter to this sentence.
13.
I sighed, he was still staring at the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of eyes I knew only to well staring back at me.
The conjunction for the last phrase here is insufficient, I think.
14.
Starting at those vile eyes I ran.
Do you mean 'starting', or do you mean 'staring'?
15.
The wood railing next to me transformed into charcoal black with a a an extra 'a' heregaping cavity. The bullets rapidly embedded themselves on the banister full stop i upper case covered my head and sprinted. My lungs seemed always empty, legs unrested.

16.
his flaming eyes were too close

17.
I shuffled really? Shuffled? In such an urgent situation? into my ship's cabin, diving on the metallic floor and reaching my arms out until I slid next to my chair. I grabbed the gun and shot back. He dodged into the hall. The open door was vacant. It stood menacingly comma almost beckoning me to it.

18.
"I'm sorry Reva" He mocked. Grammatically correct, this would be: "I'm sorry, Reva," he mocked.He stepped forward, as if he didn't want to miss. I reached back where I left my gun and fired.

19.
Beams crashed onto my ship as I attempted to free myself from what would be a very unfamiliar grave.
'Unfamiliar grave' is a strange sort of phrase, a little confusing.
20.
"Ships power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere." The computer stated.

Rather, "Ship's power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere," the computer stated.
21.
My last escape and chance to destroy Boyer could as become my last mission.
'Could as'? Delete 'as', do you think?
22.
I heard the count down and inhaled as his rapid fire rocked what was left of my protection.
You're using the word 'inhaled' too much. The reader notices things like this. Or at least I do.

OVERALL:
I really liked this. I think it has potential. You use really great figurative language, I noticed that. Combined with better grammar and more background, this could turn out to be a really neat story.
I'm sorry if I sounded negative for the large part of this review. I actually like your story a lot.
Thanks for the request, anyway (I need to get back into reviewing) and keep writing, whatever you do!
:D
- Ignis
The POTATO of DOOM

A thousand times it calls your name
A thousand times you hear it
And fools are those who heed its call
But fools are those who fear it.


The Interesting Thoughts of Edward Monkton
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1104
Reviews: 12
Sun Apr 10, 2011 1:55 am
synismysyn3 says...



First of all, very good piece over all. A few grammer mistakes and a fw spelling mistakes but other than that, you have a plot (:

Very good. I was holding my breath the entire beginning of it. Very good. But explain a little bit more about wbhy your character is running from Death and the people she grew up with. Other than that, you have a very good piece of your hands. Happy writing!!! Keep going with it, Chica!!!
  





User avatar
138 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3277
Reviews: 138
Sun Apr 10, 2011 4:37 am
MadameLuxestrange says...



Luxe here, as requested. Okay, this was a good piece and it has so much potential to be great. I do agree with the grammar mistakes that were pointed out by others. There were a lot of run on sentences that are easy fixes. For your plot, I thought that it was pretty cool. I was a little confused about what she was doing at the house on Earth in the first place, but I kind of guessed that it was hunting Boyer. The world that you created was interesting and with a little bit more work, you could get a very successful piece!
Cheers,
Luxe
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





User avatar
82 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1817
Reviews: 82
Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:24 pm
ErBear says...



I came to review your piece and saw that everything I was going to say was already said by the other reviewers. Overall I like your piece. Make sure to read the reviews and add accordingly so your piece can improve from there on!

(:

~Taylor
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.
  





User avatar
98 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2367
Reviews: 98
Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:34 am
Qoh16 says...



Ok so everyone else has said what I was thinking or going to say. I honestly think your friend will LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I do :D. But is Boyer a last name?
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  





User avatar
86 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3699
Reviews: 86
Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:14 am
charcoalspacewolfman says...



As per your request, I'm here reviewing your story.
There's a lot of grammatical errors and spelling errors you need to work on. Others have already pointed this out, I'm just saying you need to go back and correct obvious stuff.
Now, as for the story itself, I kinda wanted to get to know the main character more and sympathize with his/her situation. I kinda got a good feel for the fear and suspense, though, so that helped a lot. You had some good action going on here and I thought it was all in all a pretty decent piece.
HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!
  





User avatar
72 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1931
Reviews: 72
Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:16 am
ShadowKnight155 says...



Hm. I liked it. At times it's a little hard to understand and such. Clarification would be nice, but I think you can retain a good amount of mystery in the beginning. As someone else said, avoid Info dumping. I'm not a grammar person, but I can tell you've got some mistakes. I'll make the assumption Icy Flame got it all, ;D.

I think you should keep expanding. And, if this is for a special someone, make sure they're a reader, and they don't think your creepy. You guys should also be friends. A person getting this from a random person would probably feel a little creeped out(I know from similar experience, :/).

Good work, room for improvement, and made my night. *Liked*

Sorry I don't have more to say... :(

--Skis
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 1245
Reviews: 142
Mon Apr 11, 2011 2:27 pm
lele253isme says...



It was good, the things that I noticed were already pointed out. Other than that it is good, I think this is the first science fiction that I have read. Good job!!
  








Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon