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Sometimes (working title) Chapter one



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Thu Mar 17, 2011 5:57 pm
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xDudettex says...



Spoiler! :
Okay. So I posted this in general fiction short stories under the title 'Harriet' for a contest, but I've edited it since then and I'm toying with the idea of writing more of it. I'd really like to know whether it sucks or not. It's my first attempt at writing a novel where romance is more than just a sub plot. I'm sorry if it's long :/ Thanks for reading!


I’ll never forget the first time I lay eyes on him. Partly because he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen; lip ring, chestnut hair, coffee coloured eyes. But also because somehow I managed to tip my glass of orange juice all over him. I mean, yeah, great first impression. I still blamed the way my heart was hammering through my chest like it was going to explode, though. And anyway, it was his fault for walking into the kitchen looking like the image of perfection while I was minding my own business making a drink. He shouldn’t have snuck up on me. Still, I’ll never forget the way my brain was shouting one thing…

“He’s ugly.”

No. I think I remember it being something along the lines of ‘Oh my God.’

“I mean really. People like him shouldn’t be allowed out in daylight.”

Cassie’s voice brought me out of my daydream and back to the reality which was the crowded college lunchroom. I peered up from my lunch of cheese and crackers, (I had a thing for cheese at the moment) to see a guy walking past our table wearing a black t-shirt and dark jeans. His hair was long, past his shoulders, and his skin was pale.

“I mean, I’m trying to eat.”

I finally turned my gaze to the girl sitting next to me. She was frowning and her nose was scrunched up, giving off the impression that she’d just smelt something horrid. She fixed her eyes on me and waited for my response.
I sighed. I really did love Cassie, but her constant need to slag someone or something off could be a little tiring. Especially when college seemed to have dragged on this week.

“I suppose he could do with a hair cut.”

Cassie’s eyes widened. “You suppose! Guys with long hair are just gross.”

I shrugged and popped a slice of cheese into my mouth.

“Goth guys are just,” she paused, biting her lip in thought. “Wrong.”

I suddenly felt my temper rise. “Can’t we give the ripping into people a rest?”

Cassie raised her eyebrows in surprise before she pushed her half eaten salad into the centre of the table. “I’m sorry, H. I forget sometimes.” She twirled a strand of her hair around her pinkie finger. “How is Leanne anyway?”

I sat back into my chair and watched the boy Cassie had just hated on, leave the college canteen. In my opinion, he wasn’t that bad looking. Not that I’d ever tell Cassie that. She’d be on me in a second, eyes wide and tongue wagging about how I was never to say something so ridiculous again. Actually, he kind of looked like Leanne’s old boyfriend, Tom. It wasn’t though; Tom was covered in tattoos. Leanne, my older sister, is a self confessed bad boy chaser. I, however, am known for my taste in rather more plain guys. Eric from French class. Pete from English class. So why, all of a sudden, am I crushing on Sonny? The same Sonny who is my sister’s best friend and total rocker bad boy.

“Has she had her tattoo done yet?”

I stopped pondering and turned back to Cassie. She was looking into her compact while applying yet another layer of mascara. She pouted at herself before looking up at me.

“No. She can’t decide on the final design and Dad said she can only have it done if she’s one hundred percent happy with it.”

“But she’s nineteen. She shouldn‘t have to listen to your Dad.”

“Tattoos are permanent, Cassie.”

She shrugged, snapping her compact shut. “She got her nose pierced without your parents’ permission.”

“She can take it out if she wants. She can’t just wash the tattoo off when she’s bored of it.”

“Well I’m not asking my mum before I get my belly pierced this afternoon.”

I grimaced. “You’re making a big mistake there.”

“Don’t care. It’s a done deal.”

“Still a mistake.”

Cassie pinched my shoulder with her manicured nails. “Well. I can’t wait till I get it done.”

I rolled my eyes at her. Sometimes I wish she was less stubborn.

“So you’re not getting yours done then?”

I snorted into my drink. “Umm, no.”

“You don’t have to dis me.”

I gave her an apologetic smile. “It’s just not my thing.”

“But I thought you wanted it done when you saw that girl with hers done in town that time. You know, when we were in Top Shop.”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“Whatever. Your loss.”

“I just don’t fancy having my stomach clamped before having a giant needle shoved through it.”

Cassie’s face paled, even under all of the foundation she was wearing; I’m always trying to get her to cut down on the amount she uses.
“It’ll be worth it in the end.”

“If you say so,” I replied, picking up my plate and scooting back in my chair. “I’ll just put this away and then we can head to French.”

Cassie nodded, her attention back on the reflection in her compact mirror as she slavered on a layer of pink lip gloss. Sometimes I worry about her.

Tipping my rubbish into the bin, I didn’t notice someone coming up beside me until I heard a voice.
“Hey Harriet.”

I spun around to see a guy dressed in a white polo shirt and jeans smiling down at me. I smiled back when inside all my brain was telling me to do was run away. I thought I made it clear that I wasn’t interested?

“Hey Brandon.”

His smile grew at my response. “You heading to French in a bit?”

“Well, it is our next class,” I replied, immediately berating myself for being sarky towards him. He's only trying to be friendly. “I mean, I’ve just got to get my stuff.”

“Cool. Can I walk you?”

I held in a sigh. “I’m walking with Cassie. You can join us if you want?”

His smile faltered for a second. “Sure. If that’s okay?”

“Course.” I nodded, heading back to the table with Brandon following closely behind.

Cassie gave me her ‘Oh my God’ face when she saw who I’d brought back to the table with me. I just picked up my bag and tried to ignore her.

“He is so fit!” Cassie exclaimed in an excited whisper as she, like Brandon, hurried to keep up with me. I was almost running down the languages corridor. All I wanted to do was get to my seat and pretend to do some work for the next couple of hours and then I could go home.

I sank into my chair and watched with feigned interest as the teacher started explaining the work. Cassie was in the seat next to me, tapping my shoulder and whispering things that I made a point to ignore. She was only saying how cute Brandon was. How I should give him a chance, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was about to turn and hit her with my ruler when Brandon caught my eye. He was sitting a few desks away, smiling like a loon at me. I buried my face in my palm and set my eyes on the front of the classroom.

Brandon’s mop of brown hair kept bobbing about in my peripheral vision and I wanted nothing more than to concentrate on my work. My French grade wasn’t what it should be, mostly due to Cassie’s constant chatter, and I didn’t need anymore distractions. Brandon seemed like a nice guy, but he just wouldn’t quit bugging me. The crush had been cute when it had started three months ago, but now it was just darn annoying.

The bell couldn’t ring soon enough and when it finally did, I didn’t try to hide the glee from my face. I could finally escape home. Or so I thought.


“Where are you going?” Cassie asked as we reached the gates after college and, like usual, I turned left to go home.

“My house. Why?”

Cassie rolled her eyes and dropped her bag to the floor. It hit the pavement with a thud. “You’re coming to the piercing shop with me. Remember?”

Snippets of Cassie’s constant rambling from today starting replaying in my head. I sighed. “But Cass. You know I hate needles. I’ll just pass out and cause a scene. You’re better off going without me.”

“You want me to go alone?” Cassie looked hurt; her arms folded tightly over her blouse and her blue eyes wide open. “And I thought you were my best friend.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. I knew what was coming.

“Fine. Whatever. I just guess I valued our so called friendship more than you. I’ve been believing a lie for the last six years.”

“Cass.”

“No, H. It’s fine. I’ll go alone. And when I get abducted for walking the streets by myself, you can be the one to tell my mum why you weren’t with me.”

“Cassie.”

“It’s okay, H. I’m sure my mum will get over my death. She’ll only cry twice a day. Three times at the most.”
Around us, other students were leaving college for the day, stepping around the two of us to walk through the rusting green gates. Cassie stood resiliently in the middle of the gates as people pushed past her and I knew that if I didn’t back down now, we’d be here until midnight.

Noticing a gap in the throng of students, I stepped towards Cassie and hauled her bag up from the ground.

“Don’t blame me if I pass out.”

Cassie unfroze immediately, letting a grin slide over her glossy lips. “Yay! I mean, I’m sure they’ll have a bucket.”

“Great. Problem solved.”

Cassie nattered non stop about which colour gem stone she wanted in her piercing, all the way to our destination. The shop didn’t look like much from the outside. Orange paint around the windows, chipped and peeling, and a sign above the doorway that looked as if it hadn’t been updated since the eighties.

“The eighties were cool,” Cassie said as I expressed my concerns about the shops appearance.

“You weren’t around in the eighties.”

“So. Hilary Swath got hers done here so it can’t be that bad.”

“I suppose. Hilary is a hygiene freak.”

“Exactly my point,” Cassie said. “Anyway, you’re always saying how it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

I nodded just as Cassie pushed the door open. I followed her in, only to step backwards at the overpowering smell of anti-sceptic. The white walls lined with chairs reminded me of a doctor's surgery.

“I feel sick already,” I whispered to Cassie.

She patted my shoulder and pushed me down into a chair. “You’ll get used to the smell. Now, sit here while I go and speak to the receptionist.”

I began picking the remains of the nail varnish off of my fingers nails, and tried to pretend that I couldn’t feel the nauseating swirling going on in my stomach.

“Oh hello there.”

I gazed up to see Cassie over the other side of the shop, talking to a lady behind the counter, who I guessed was the receptionist. She didn’t look like the kind of receptionist you’d get in a doctors surgery though. She was young, probably early twenties, and dressed in a bright green ripped t-shirt. Her hair was black and short and she had tramlines shaved on the right side of her head. Her nose was pierced, as was her lip and eyebrow, and she had tattoos covering the whole of her left forearm.

“Yeah. That’s great.”

Realising I’d missed the conversation while observing the woman, I gave Cassie a small smile.

“How did it go?”

Cassie took the seat next to me and grinned. “Great. I’ve just got to wait five minutes and then I can go in. Room two.”

“Cool,” I replied.

The secretary got up from behind her desk and headed for the corridor leading off of the room we were in, and I saw her outfit was completed with a pair of black skinny jeans and blue daps.

Attention back on the room, I noted Cassie was flipping through a magazine.

“What are you reading about?” I asked. I wasn’t really interested, but I didn’t like the fact that the new found silence had enabled my ears to pick up on the sound of buzzing coming from one of the rooms off of the corridor, where I guessed someone was getting a tattoo.

“I was just checking up on Zelda King’s column,” she replied, pointing to a bright pink page covered in writing and pictures. “Apparently, her new boyfriend has a Ferrari.”

I nodded nonchalantly, but tried to keep my face looking interested. Cassie carried on blabbering on about Zelda King’s amazing life while I let my eyes wander around the room again. The phone on the desk was ringing and the secretary reappeared from the corridor to answer it. The wall opposite Cassie and me was blank, but the wall adjacent was covered in posters and prints of paintings. The colours stood out against the white background, and I couldn’t believe I’d missed it when I’d first walked in.

I was just about to point out to Cassie that there was a poster for ‘The Dead Atlantic’ in amongst the mass of flyers when the secretary called over to us.

“You can go in now, chick. Room two.”

Cassie practically jumped up from her chair but I moved with a lot less enthusiasm.

“Can I stay here?” I asked Cassie, feeling the nausea in my gut stir with my movement.

She sighed. “But, H. You got this far. It’ll only take five minutes.”

I saw her face start to twitch and I knew she was readying herself for round two of ‘I thought we were friends.’

I got up before she had the chance to speak and she regarded me with a smile.

“Room two,” Cassie said.

“You go, I’ll follow.”

The sound of Cassie’s boots on the laminate flooring echoed loudly in my ears as I trailed her down the longer than expected corridor. My heart was doing little drumming patterns on my ribs and I was making sure to breathe deeply and slowly. The smell of antiseptic got stronger as we reached room two and Cassie knocked. A man’s voice called out for us to enter and I hovered on the threshold before Cassie pulled me inside after her.

Room two was painted white like the lobby, except there were no flyers or posters on the walls. It was rather plain looking, except for an old fashioned fire place on the back wall that looked really out of place next to the metallic table and implements. My stomach squeezed as my eyes caught sight of what looked like a giant clamp.

“Now which one of you ladies is here for a belly button piercing?” A man was sitting on a large black swivel chair on the other side of a reclining seat. He was wearing a brace, which was rather odd, and he was pulling on a pair of medical gloves. The latex stretched over his large hands and made a snapping sound against his skin when he adjusted them.

I pointed to Cassie quickly and took a seat on a unsteady looking wooden chair.

“Can you hold this?” Cassie asked, thrusting her baby pink bag at me.

I nodded and rested it in my lap, letting my own bag slump on my shoulder.

“Take a seat,” the man, who looked to be around forty, said, gesturing to Cassie and the reclining, dentist style, chair.

Cassie did what he said.

“Good. Now, what colour piercing did you want?” He held a small case in front of her.

I saw Cassie’s eyes widen. “Ooh. Can I have the red one please?”

The man nodded and I noticed he had a tattoo of a scorpion on his neck, just where his sandy coloured hair fell to. “I won’t be a moment. I’ve just got to get things ready.”

Cassie nodded and he flipped a switch on the chair which caused it to start tilting backwards. The chair stopped once she was lying down. Cassie repositioned her hair, so that it was falling over one shoulder, before leaning back against the headrest.

With the man facing away from us, hunched over a table, Cassie caught my eye and opened her mouth as wide as she could, as if she were at the dentists. I giggled at her even though my stomach was squeezing uncomfortably at the sight of the needle that the man was holding as he twisted back around. Cassie snapped her mouth shut and smiled sweetly.

“Now, I just need to apply some disinfectant to the area and then I’ll clamp your stomach. There’s no need to worry, everything is sterile here.”

Cassie nodded the best she could while lying down and turned her head to face me. “Okay?” she mouthed.

I nodded weakly. In truth, I wasn’t. I could almost taste my cheese and crackers from lunch, but I didn’t want to leave
Cassie on her own. I gripped the sides of the wooden chair I was sitting on with both hands and focused on my breathing.

“Alright then,” the man said. “I’m going to start now. Ready?”

“Yep,” Cassie replied.
The last thing I saw was the metal clamp before I hid behind my hands.


“I mean, it did hurt, but it wasn’t the worst pain ever,” Cassie said, staring down at her stomach before looking back up at me.

We’d left the piercing shop ten minutes ago and were now, very slowly thanks to Cassie’s idleness, making our way home.
“Remember when I fell down the steps in the park and hit my funny bone on the metal railing? That was the worst pain ever.”

I doubted hitting your funny bone hurt more than having a needle thrust through your stomach, but I nodded anyway.

“Are you wishing you had yours done?”

“No! I was surprised I didn’t puke up just watching you have yours done, let alone it being me.”

“That’s because you were staring at your palms the whole time,” Cassie said, with a laugh.

I nudged her elbow with mine. “I can’t help being a wimp.”

“Well, how are you expecting to go with Leanne when she gets her tattoo done?”

“I’m not,” I replied. “I’ve told her she has to go with Sonny.”

The thought of Sonny made my heart beat faster and I almost didn’t see the lamppost in time, having been picturing his chestnut brown hair and lip ring.

“I feel sorry for you,” Cassie said suddenly and I raised my eyebrows at her. “No, really, I do. You haven’t even got your ears pierced.”

“So?” I said with a shrug. “It doesn’t make me any less of a person.”
Cassie fiddled with her earrings for a moment. “I only meant you’ll never get to wear earrings.”

“I don’t see that as being the end of the world.” I paused as we crossed the road before continuing. “But if say, I could never eat a chocolate brownie from Keke’s again, then it would be the end of the world.”

Cassie nodded dramatically. “Yum. I want one now.”

“Good job we’re walking home that way then isn’t it?”

“One of Keke’s chocolate brownies is definitely worth the detour.”
Last edited by xDudettex on Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:37 pm, edited 4 times in total.
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:50 pm
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hockeyfan87 says...



this was good, sure there were some mistakes, but you will find those when you re-read this. PM me when you post more, or just write on my wall, either is fine (:
Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Fri Mar 18, 2011 6:09 pm
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bugbug368 says...



Yeah, the first thing I found in this peice is that I got confused on who's speaking. I mean, who is saying what??? It doesn't even say anything about you is saying what half the time, which confuses me and other readers.
Anyway, I'm not to sure, mainly because I don't really like all this romancy stuff, but it's okay for something I wouldn't normally read.

Overall, it's good. But that mistake I pointed out above has to change and kind of ruined it. Anyways, well done and keep writing. Make sure you don't make the same mistake. :pirate2:

-bugbug368 :wink:
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Azila says...



Hi Dudette! Thanks for the request. I'm not really much of a Romance person, and I'm also more in to short stories than novels and I'm rather short on time just now... but I'll try and help you as much as I can. ^_^

First off, there are a few nit-picky things that I'd like to point out.

I peered up from my lunch of cheese and crackers, I’ve got a thing for cheese at the moment, to see a guy walking past our table wearing a black t-shirt and dark jeans.
I stumbled a bit on this sentence because I didn't realize that those were parenthetical commas. My suggestion would be to put "I've got a thing for cheese at the moment" inside parenthesis rather than commas. Also, though, since this is in past tense shouldn't that be "I had a thing for cheese at the moment?"

She was looking into her compact while applying yet another layer of mascara to her already impossibly long eyelashes.
Mascara doesn't make your eyelashes longer, does it? The mascara I've been acquainted with just makes your lashes thicker, and darker. Saying "already impossibly long" implies that the mascara is lengthening them.

“Well, it is our next class,” I replied, immediately berating myself for being sarky towards him.
Why does she berate herself for being sarky towards him? I'd like to see that thought process. Side note: I had to look up "sarky." I honestly thought you meant "snarky." >.> Is it a British thing?

The white walls lined with chairs reminded me of a doctors surgery.
I'm pretty sure that should be "doctor's." Also, I've never heard the phrase "doctor's surgery." Do you mean the place where surgeries are done? Maybe say "operating room?" Then again, it might just be a British thing that I'm not familiar with.

I gazed up to see Cassie over the other side of the shop, talking to a lady behind the counter, who I guessed was the receptionist.
"Gaze" seems like an odd word choice to me.

The wall opposite Cassie and I was blank, but the wall adjacent was covered in posters and prints of paintings.
*cringe* That should be "Cassie and me," unless you mean that Harriet and the wall are blank.

I got up before she had the chance to speak and she regarded me with a smile. “Room two.”
Who is talking here?

I pointed to Cassie quickly and took the only other seat in the room.
Except the "dentist's chair," right? You may want to mention that.

I nodded weakly. In truth, I wasn’t. I could almost taste my cheese and crackers from lunch, but I didn’t want to leave
Cassie on her own. I gripped the sides of the wooden chair I was sitting on with both hands and focused on my breathing.
Formatting typo: there shouldn't be a return after "leave."

“So,” I said with a shrug. “It doesn’t make me any less of a person.”
That should be a question mark after "so" rather than a comma.

"Good job we’re walking home that way then isn’t it.”
That should probably be a question mark, too, after "it."

“One of Keke’s chocolate brownies is definitely worth the fifteen minute detour.”
This is kind of a "you know, Bob" moment. They both know that the detour takes fifteen minutes, so why would she say it? The answer is, of course, to let the reader know. But there isn't a reader in real life. ^_~ Try and make it as realistic as possible. In this case, I suggest taking out the "fifteen minute."

------------------------------------------------------

Overall, good job on this. Like I say, this kind of genre isn't really my thing but you've still managed to capture my attention and hold it the whole way through. Your dialogue felt (for the most part) very real, and I feel like I'm already getting to know your characters after just one chapter. That's great. I also like your attention to detail--mentioning that it's Room Two, and having Cassie adjust her hair when she sits back on the chair, and stuff like that really make the piece come alive. I also really like the tension between Cassie and Harriet. Their friendship feels very three-dimensional and realistic. They like each other, but they don't get along perfectly. I also get the feeling that Cassie is very overpowering of Harriet and Harriet is just sort of along for the ride, but still a faithful and honest friend. Good job!

My main problem with this was the way you manage time. You have great scenes, but your transitions between scenes are a bit sloppy and confusing. For instance, did the French class ever even happen? One second they're heading off towards it and then the next second they're leaving the campus. And what happened with that Brendon guy? I suggest if you're going to switch scenes that you have some sort of marker to show that you're doing that, so people don't get confused. Or at least make a few spaces between the paragraphs to have some sort of division.

I'm also a little confused about who, exactly, Sonny is. This is a Romance novel, and Harriet appears to be in love with him, so I'm assuming they're going to end up together somehow... but it seems a little random to introduce him here because it's sort of out of context. Is he Leanne's boyfriend or something? I'm a tad confused about him.

Oh, and one more thing: I'd like to see more of a description of Room Two. You described the lobby a lot, but I don't have a sense of what the room where she got the piercing looks like. I'd also like to know more about Harriet's response to the man who gave the piercing--he feels rather bland right now.

Okay, that's about it. Overall I really think this has a lot of potential and you should definitely continue it! I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to be as to-the-point as possible. ^_~

PM me or write on my wall if you've got any questions or anything! I'm here to discuss things if you want.

a
  





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Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:54 am
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theotherone says...



Hello Dudette, I'm here as requested! :)

I still blamed the way my heart was hammering through my chest like it was going to explode, though.

“He is so fit!” Cassie exclaimed in an excited whisper as she, like Brandon, hurried to keep up with me. I was almost running down the languages corridor. All I wanted to do was get to my seat and pretend to do some work for the next couple of hours and then I could escape home. Or so I thought.

There's not nitpick in here, but there is something I want to say. It seems kind of a weird end, almost too abrupt. I would like to see a little bit more in this scene... let her go in the classroom, sit down. Maybe Brandon could sit next to her and try to make conversation, which would show a little bit deeply his crush on her. Make her try to look like she's busy, when in fact she's not doing anything, pray for the teacher to come, say one word answers... I also think that your chapter could end just there. But I'll wait until the end of the actual chapter to see if it could actually end there and the other part could do another chapter. ;)
Cassie stood resiliently in the middle of the gates as people pushed past her and I knew that if I didn’t back down now, we’d be here until midnight

My heart was doing little drumming patterns on my ribs and I was making sure to breathe deeply and slowly.

It won't be long, I’ve just got to get things ready.”

This is awkward... I changed the phrasing, but if you don't like it that way, it's okay.

Okay, so first chapter is really good. It makes me want to read more, and that's great. Your writing is good, the only thing you seem to be struggling with is your transitions. So, to help with that, you could either put a marker, like Azila said. Or you could always write a little bit more, not enough to make it in details, but just to show that time passed and they are now on the street. You seem to end your scenes like somebody would end their chapters...

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Wed Mar 23, 2011 5:49 pm
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borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Dudette!

Thank you for the request. I haven't read romance in quite some time and this piece made me want to write some. So, kudos to you for that.

I thought this was smoothly written and you managed to bring your characters alive quite well. The dialogue and interation between Harriet and Cassie was very believable.

My issues are pretty much the same as the previous reviewers: the transitions are hard to follow.

Also, who, exactly, is Sonny? You start off with quirky thoughts, and you made me smile and laugh. I couldn't wait for the orange juice scene but you don't come through with it. Then, we see the goth boy show up, then you speak of Sonny, her sister's friend. Was Sonny the goth boy? Maybe she should have a passing thought or sigh "Sonny" Or something to let us know who he is.

Other than that, I didn't notice anything. You paid good attention to tiny details that made this a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!

Tanya :D
  





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Mon May 23, 2011 6:05 am
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alwaysjustme says...



Okay let me start by saying sorry for not reviewing this sooner and I might not be the best at reviewing. Anyways, I really liked the story. I think it's very detailed and realistic. There isn't really anything that I don't like about the story. I think it's very good. Keep on writing!!
  





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Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:57 am
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KaylaCoon says...



welp Kayla here!

I really like this storyy so far :) I like the over dramaticness. Oh you described the emotions and the conections with the people how you started out just dissing that guy it really just caught my attention. It's really great so far. I'm gonna read some more, I got seven more chapters!!

--Kayla!!
The closest friends are the ones you'd take a bullet for, but they're the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well<33--Alex Gaskarth

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Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:12 pm
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Formslipper says...



I read it, and good job!

I saw Chapter Nine posted, but didn't want to start with Chapter Nine, so I'll start here.

First impression: lukewarm.

In other words, the characters had vibrant life to them, and I understood their motives. However, there wasn't much intriguing about them. Cassie seems (so far) to be a typical romance side character, one that effectively draws attention away from any flaws in the primary character (Harriet). Harriet might be a projection of you, seeing as she is so authentically-written, but I don't know you so I can't really tell. I'll leave it at this: your prose gives me enough steam and momentum to carry on into Chapter Two, but it'll take more in order to keep me hooked this time.

So I'll try it out!
  








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