Young Writers Society

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UPDATE: Now available on iTunes!



IF I WERE A DC WRITER
(Melancholy Tune)

There are things in this world that a smile can’t push away
You thought you’d still be here by my side to get everything straight
But now there’s a candle in the corner of your room being lit by a sinister smile
You’re waiting for the light to slowly fade
‘Cause you know I’ll never be with you tonight
We’re both locking up all the pain inside


Oh, you can’t save me from my misery
Just like you can’t save yourself from yours
I am steady
Standing breathlessly
Fighting against the floor
The sky is pretty gloomy even with its design of a silver crescent moon
We’re like a thousand miles apart but I can still hear your heart cry that melancholy tune
And we both don’t have the guts to be together


The question in your mind:
“Is she a mistake that can never be undone?”
Now, look closely at that miracle as she plays underneath the sun
One of the best things that you’ll ever have is all that she is – all her love
So show her how important it is to care, be grateful for everything
That’s enough…
Look at yourself,
Pretended to be strong,
Well, now you ain’t so tough


‘Cause you can’t save me from my misery
Just like you can’t save yourself from yours
I am steady
Standing breathlessly
Fighting against the floor
The sky is pretty gloomy even with its design of a silver crescent moon
We’re like a thousand miles apart but I can still hear your heart cry that melancholy tune
And you know perfectly that we’ll never be together


I’m not crossing this line
Must stay under this gray sky for awhile
All past hopes have drifted into the dark
Is fate simply keeping us apart?
Do you know how it feels when a face so innocent is staring you down?
– telling you to never come around till you’ve opened up your mind?
And I tell you, even if you’ve spared millions of lives...


You’ll never save me from my misery
Just like you can never save yourself from yours
I am steady
Crying breathlessly
A dream is a dream in this crazy world
Look at the sky sprinkled with glittering stars…
You walked in and gave us a start
But I’m sure my heart won’t be failed to be found,
and someone else will stick with it – love me till the end
Though destiny seems to be saying, “Never”
And a piece from the past might stick with me forever
Like this melancholy tune I wrote for her…


You can’t save me from my misery,
Just like you can’t save yourself from yours


---------------------------

Are you kidding me? 2 people already liked this and no comments? *frowns... May I please know at least why you liked it? Haha... kidding. Thank you sooooo much! -- to whoever you are. =))

Awesome! I love the lyrics, but the song will take a while before I can listen to you. Remember, Youtube hates me.

Anyways, great work! *like*

Thanks so much Jen!

That is really a great song! (I didn't read the lyrics though xD. I just watched the vid) The video is great too! There's so much effort that's put into it. It's like everything was scripted! xD The song can just end up on radios right now!! *thumbs up*

Thanks so much, Twin! Gah... I hope so, I hope so. LOL

I'm pretty sure that you're amazing.

I love the tone of your voice! It's really very special; PLEASE KEEP WRITING AND SINGING.

DON'T YOU DARE EVER STOP. Your lyrics feel real and I can tell you know what you're singing about. If you don't, well, you're just a really good actress(:

I liked the way that the vid was set up... who videotaped/edited/captured all of those cool angles? If it was a friend or relative, give 'em a shout-out! If it was you... then, ugh. Talllllllllllllent. ;D

Damn girl I love this song!

~Taylor

I directed my Dad and my best friend with the angles. But my Dad said I don't need to shout it out. xD

Bubbles, thank you so much. I am a good actress. (LOL) kidding. Aww... ='> I'm so touched. Thanks! I won't... I won't stop.

Heyo!

Woah Jash. You have an incredible voice. It's all softlile and brilliant sounding. Never stop singing. Also, those lyrics are amazing. It reminded me of poetry in a good way. You told a story- got it across well and sounded great. Lucky you!

Amazing!

P.s sorry for the short review, on an iPhone now and it's kind of annoying.

~Jas

Nah, it's OK! I'm glad you liked it and got the time to check it out. Thanks! ;**

Favorited on youtube. absolutely beautiful.

I haven't been able to listen yet, but the lyrics are great. I like word packed songs.

I don't have much else to say, too!

--Skis

I adored this! I am so jealous of how great you are! keep up the awesomeness!

Amazing, Your very talented you remind me of a girl in my school who's a professional songwriter.

This is just an opinion, don't over use your high notes you lower register is fantastic just put some force behind your voice like in the 'open up the mind ' bit. I'm no expert on music, although i should able to compose ( i can't... ) but the piano is amazing. To me it's a little to word packed sometimes the words dont really go with the beat ( can't really explain) just to much at once. But then again this is just an opinion!

Keep up the great work! (clicks like)

WELL, Jashy, it's time this happen. I knew it would. Hell, we all knew it would happen one day. As I said, this was my job for a while, reviewing albums and listening to the tracks, and I was forced to send out little snippets and opinions. Never did I have this much freedom to express my opinion. Let's have fun : )

For kicks here's an aside: one of the albums I reviewed was Weezer's Hurley. I gave them a maliciously pedantic review, for a nonsensical piece of junk. There are some decent things on it, but in all, I was annoyed Weezer wasted my time after making such good use of it before. I'm used to the attention you get on here, being featured, Youtube, and what not. So like my job before, I am expecting a lot and giving the blunt honest truth.

There's no turning back now~(by the way, the giant font at the beginning of your post is annoying. You aren't selling me anything, just give a clear link, and don't beg for a like. If it deserves one, I'll actually remember to like it. I almost never do because the "like" system is completely broken. So PLEASE highlight the actual thing that should be payed attention, your lyrics. Not the video. Not the view count. Thanks.)

jashbagabaldo wrote:

.○o IF I WERE A DC WRITER o○.

(Melancholy Tune)

The title is nebulous and really doesn't mean a thing. Also, melancholy tune? Well thanks, I guess it wasn't obvious that poetry is typically emotional and has imagery or that photography takes pictures of....things?!(photo of something besides paint). Get my point? Why bother listing that? No one does that, for good reason (if you keep tacking things on, we start wondering if you don't trust us, yourself, or are just insecure; you need a damn good reason, this isn't one). I would toss this it into the burn pile if I had just received it, seeing the title, in order to help myself make the best use of my time. I'm looking for what will have potential and won't be laughed at or make me look dumb (or p-o my editor). The obvious is an insult to me and the listener.

There are things in this world that a smile
----------can’t push away
You thought you’d still be here by my side
----------to get everything straight
But now there’s a candle in the corner of your room
----------being lit by a sinister smile
You’re waiting for the light to slowly fade
‘Cause you know I’ll never be with you tonight
We’re both locking up all the pain inside

Jashy, jashy. ditch the cute lines. You're telling me you realize that your lines, phrasing, and rhythm aren't very good (why else space them over but to make it look like it fits?). And since you gave me a video, I can tell very well. These lines are full of consonants, and a complete mess to sing. Do you hear your voice go "hiiiiiiiiiiiigh" and then back down? It's like you can't quit puberty. Also, why reverse the use of smile? That's confusing and completely bothersome for a listener. Look at the stress here (bold is stressed, non is not): 'Cause you know I'll never be with you tonight/". That's god awful and impossible to sing with a rhythm. Were you writing a poem?

Really, why are you saying you wrote this back then? You were 14? OK. Why record this and post it for people to see? I mean surely, you're not saying your creative genius has been that long, right? You do realize if you told me that, I'd think you were an arrogant cuss? I hope you don't tell people that if you send this to their recording companies. Save face, good god, and don't be honest. Honesty can make you look like crap.

THIS understands how to use rhythm and flow like you clearly don't. It doesn't need a video. Listen to Paul's voice, he isn't FORcing THE issuE. OK? He's chilling and be natural with the music; he gets that he isn't the focal point! Novel concept (another bad idea with video's, I see your intentions) You really are belting out sound without considering my poor ears who have no choice but to hear you.

Oh, you can’t save me from my misery

What? OH? "Oh?" who uses oh? OH, for a nightingale come and peck this line out of my eyes. This song is incredibly self-centric, self-concerned, self-obsessed. Is that all this is about?

Just like you can’t save yourself from yours
I am steady
Standing breathlessly
Fighting against the floor
The sky is pretty gloomy even with its design
----------of a silver crescent moon
We’re like a thousand miles apart
----------but I can still hear your heart cry
----------that melancholy tune
And we both don’t have the guts to be together

Great, so we're screwed? God, get yourself together. I really don't care how you end this. You voice doesn't add anything to this song. And the song is a poor pony ridden to a broken back. How much time did you waste on the video? And "yours---floor" is a terrible rhyme. So is moon with tune. And the counter image of apart and together.

Really, is this about Internet love? Or long distance love? And you really did reference the sub-title of this? Jashy that's mindbogglingly amateur. I know, or knew thankfully and no longer, drugged up indie bands that understood that their titles were loosely tied to the song and never referenced them without a good reason.

And really, the self-hate in this is skin deep. Just start singing about getting a room. Why am I listening to you sing about this tosh? I hardly have any feeling to you or this person. Hell, no feeling. I don't feel this at all. And by the way, this is too long to establish a song.

This is precisely what you should have captured. Why didn't you? Because sappy, dramatic, superficial "Waaaaaaah" is easy to write? Be honest, because I can't cope for us both.

The question in your mind:
“Is she a mistake that can never be undone?”

And at this point I toss the track in the trash and put you on the blacklist. Fourth wall, bad, even in song. I've given up on your rhythm and pace, the writing is full of holes. And the dumb colored lines. Look. You have bad spacing, bad pauses, you breathe oddly, it's an assault on ears.

Now, look closely at that miracle
----------as she plays underneath the sun
One of the best things that you’ll ever have
----------is all that she is – all her love
So show her how important it is to care,
----------be grateful for everything
That’s enough…
Look at yourself,
Pretended to be strong,
Well, now you ain’t so tough

What? where did this sudden twist come from? I finally get some drama and you slap me in the face?

‘Cause you can’t save me from my misery
Just like you can’t save yourself from yours
I am steady
Standing breathlessly
Fighting against the floor
The sky is pretty gloomy even with its design
----------of a silver crescent moon
We’re like a thousand miles apart
----------but I can still hear your heart cry
----------that melancholy tune
And you know perfectly that we’ll never be together


I’m not crossing this line
Must stay under this gray sky for awhile
All past hopes have drifted into the dark
Is fate simply keeping us apart?
Do you know how it feels when
----------a face so innocent
----------is staring you down? – telling you
--------------------to never come around
----------till you’ve opened up your mind?
And I tell you, even if you’ve spared millions of lives...


You’ll never save me from my misery
Just like you can never save yourself from yours
I am steady
Crying breathlessly
A dream is a dream in this crazy world
Look at the sky sprinkled with glittering stars…
You walked in and gave us a start
But I’m sure
----------my heart won’t be failed
----------to be found, and someone else
--------------------will stick with it –
--------------------love me till the end
Though destiny seems to be saying, “Never”
And a piece from the past might stick with me forever
Like this melancholy tune I wrote for her…


Still…
You can’t save me from my misery,
Just like you can’t save yourself from yours

Um. Right. This was a path down "what not to do in a song" memory lane. There's simply too much to wade through in streams of pre-pubescent sugar candy junk. Your formatting is dumb. This is purely spoken, sung word. It doesn't need you to push it over.
Stop pushing your video and likes (I wish I could dislike this, it deserves about 24 dislikes). Your lyrics need to be emphasized. They're a mess and generally, poorly executed and not thought out. Where is any of this going? just general longing? Hey There Delilah does this much better, Plain White Tees is from my area, and I hate their garbage. I think did something for them once. Never again.

You need to figure out how to present an idea and develop it with understandable relations and stop relying on your voice. By the way, you're off pitch often and miss notes. You're forcing it and I can tell. It's painful.

Just forget this. The video, the lyrics, the lack of real input. The lyrics don't communicate. They whine and express selfish sentimental pre-teen angst. This understands everything I've said and executes perfectly. Those lyrics are simple, clear, concise, and incredibly gut-wretching.

You use no imagery. So your song/problem lies in whining. Get over yourself is what I want to say. As a music critic, I'd just laugh and move on.

Hope this helps and does something useful for you Jashy.

-MMM