Young Writers Society

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~

Rebecca:
She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoes. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine were somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.
The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.
Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:
I had my expectations.
Though they were pursed tight in my heart, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea.
The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So, was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.
From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.
Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.
But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.
Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…
As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.
Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.
It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.
My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.
His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.
The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.
Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.
“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.
He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. Just so gorgeous, I say to myself.
“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.
“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.


“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.
“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.
The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.
Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.
Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?
“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.
But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.

Hey Shrubbery!

Have you posted some of this story before? Only I swear I made a note to myself to review it but I never got around to it. But I'm here now so I'm going to try extra hard to review this for you

1. Nit-piks -

month, I sometimes

I'd change the comma to 'and' to make the sentence flow a little better

Why to lie?

You don't need 'to'

and for my surprise

'for' should be 'to'

I had lot of time

'I had a lot of time'

I took little of jam on my toasts

Try - 'I took a little amount of jam of my toast'

bought at his own

I think 'at' should be 'for'

One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it.

Try - 'One thing though, that was completely different every time I dreamed it, was the end part.'

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

You don't need 'Funny enough' both before and after the middle sentence. It loses it's effect when you use it twice. I'd just stick to the last one.

plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces.

I get what you mean by using 'plastic' as another word for fake, but here, I'm not sure if it works the way you've written it. Try something like -

'overly fake smiles sticking to their plastic like faces.' - it's a bit of a rubbish example though

They greet me, I smile shyly.

I'd use 'and' instead of a comma

I almost gambol

I had to google 'gambol' to see what it meant

Glittering eyes of her

I think this would read better as 'Her glittering eyes'

would be

'will be'

blushing rest of the way.

There should be a 'the' after 'blushing'

I wonder if I’d ever

'I'd' should be 'I'll' to keep the tenses the same throughout the sentence.

My dad pulls out his arms out of the

You don't need the first 'out'

His hair are gelled back neatly

'are' should be 'is'

Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

This will only make sense if you have 'if' after the comma.

Priest turns to me

'The priest'

moments I and Edward had spent

'Edward and I'

back of my head. My head starts spinning.

As you use 'head' twice here, I'd change the first 'head' to 'mind'

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!”

'Rush' would sound better as 'Hurry'

around me As I began

Full stop after 'me'

but till the time her

'till' should be 'by'

in all the four directions.

Why only four directions? You haven't mentioned that there are only four ways in or out. I'd scrap it so it just reads - 'in all directions.'

‘I do”.

'I do'.

2. Overall impressions -

Okay, so I think you have what appears to be a nice plot here. It's only the first part of the first chapter, so we've got a while to find out more about the characters mentioned.

The only problem I do have is the ending. It's a little confusing. Is the fire in her dream or in reality?

Nice job and I hope my review helps!

xDudettex

Hey Shubs! I'm here to do a review for you. ^___^

So first, I'm going to start off with the introduction. I'm not going to go much into the nitpicks or anything unless I see them fit but it seems like the reviewer before has pretty much covered most of them so I won't worry about it. Now, for your opener, I certainly give that a thumbs up. I liked the way it pulled the readers and through the first paragraph you were able to built a sort of connection with the reader which is awesome. I sort of didn't like how you were giving up all this information on your character's life but it was essential so it's all good. ^^

The second thing I want to mention is how your first chapter is a lot more telly than showy. If you notice, you told a lot about Alicia's life and her concerns over her wedding. I would've liked if you made her seem more real rather than the reader feeling lost in someone's paranoid thoughts. Still, it's good and I can see soooo much improvement on your writing, it's quite amazing. There were some weird wordings here and there but nothing too major that I think I should point out. In any case, maybe someone will let you know but I don't like to be too nitpicky about that so you are spared of my nitpicks, little one. :3

As far as your characters go this was quite pleasant. I liked the way you were able to make them feel like real life characters and give them personalities too. I know that before, when I read your other novel, the characters didn't feel as cleanly cut as theses, as if their thoughts and personalities were still being formed as they spoke. However, in this novel it seems like that's not a problem. I could tell that these girls have a connection and that they're fated and the plot sounds really fun and interesting so I'm quite excited to read this. Which is saying a lot for itself because it's quite hard for me to jump into something. I'm a bit of a picky person...Teehee. :3 So *claps* for you, my dear.

As far as any criticism...I'd tell you to watch out for your wording. I noticed some slight tense errors. I'm not much of a freak when it comes to present tense so it's a bit difficult to judge but I know there were one or two. I can't find them now though...ugh.

Here is an example of awkward wording in the very first paragraph:

Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love

Funnier? Think about this for a second, how would this be worded? When you say 'funnier' you're implying that her shoes are funny but Alicia's are even more funny.
So, it's either this -->
-"Her shoes were lovelier, funnier and most importantly, full of love."
or
-"Her shoes were lovely, funny and most importantly full of love."
That one shift in the word can change a sentence to sound right or wrong so be careful, I suppose.

All in all, I did enjoy this story and I think it was wonderful start. I don't have much else to say about this since it was short and only the beginning. If you have any questions, let me know. ^^

-Pink

Rebecca:

She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoes. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine were somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. What an odd, yet eye-cathing metaphor! LPR likes muchly! I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.

The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.

Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:

I had my expectations.

Though they were pursed tight in my heart, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea.

The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. (Like) That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So, was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? 'and whimper?' That seems out of place in this sentence. Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.

From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.

Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.

But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.

Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…

As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.
At this point, I feel bad for the girl! I would've just asked him and then ran on the hope and love until the two of us can be married.

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.

His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. Aww. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.

The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.

Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.

He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. Soothing seems a bit out of place in my opinion. But I love the bolded part. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. "Just so gorgeous," I say to myself.

“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.



“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.

“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.

The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.

Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.

Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. Waaaa. NOooo!!! She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me as I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.

But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.

I like it! Keep on writing, Shubs!

--LPR.

Good day, Shubhi!

I apologize in advance if ever you see this review vague since it's been a week since I last reviewed something. ^^

plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces.

The two highlighted words almost mean the same thing and it'd look a bit redundant. You might want to slash out 'fake'.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before,

Seems awkward. I don't know what is 'the one' than more delicately that her step...? I think you can just delete "than the one" for a better flow.

I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

"Shyly" is weak. You should show your readers how she bowed.

and butterflies start fluttering again.

A bit cliche'?

Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together.

"Edward and I". Always remember that. ^^

Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend.

I don't quite get what you mean here. So does it tells that the tuxedo transformed into her bestfriend? I don't know. Rephrasing this might be a good choice.

The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist.

This is long and can be shortened. I think you just lacked a period.


~

First of all, I have to agree with Pink with regards to your introductory paragraph. It's quite unique and I don't have anything negative comments to say, but I think you should try to slow it down. As far as I can see, Rebecca's thoughts are leading your readers something of your story plot. You know, Rebecca's jealous and she wants to become like Alicia, which would eventually come in my mind that they might be enemies soon or their souls are exchanged or something. And again, this sort of reveals something in your upcoming chapter. The juices seems to flow already when it should've been "later". I say if you want to motivate your readers more, I suggest keeping your chapter mysterious and understandable.

Secondly, this chapter lacks conflict because it mostly revolves around Alicia's dream. Which I'm not quite a fan of, because I don't know why she still bother narrating this when, in fact, she kept on having this weird dream. It just doesn't lead the story anywhere. Oh. I'm blabbering things again. Hope you understand anyway. ^^

Also, your characters aren't developed well, but seeing this is the first chapter, I'm going to consider it. However, since Edward and Alicia are both having this special relationship (with each other), I would just like you to expand Edward and let him stand out very well. As I can see, he seems just like a cut-out paperboard. Needs more depth.

The story plot is okay, but just like what I've said earlier, I don't like the dream. (eep >.<) It doesn't give much of a point and looks unnecessary.

Grammar wise, there's nothing much bad to say except that you should fix some punctuations and some other phrases that is read awkwardly. I also want you to show more, and try to show more emotions too. ^^

Overall, this has potential. I know you have much more up to your sleeve, and I'm proud to say that you're improving, soul sister! And if ever you see this review harsh, please don't get offended... and I apologize. But anyways, everything is entirely based on my thoughts and views. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri

Hello! Booky here to review, comments in bold!

Rebecca:

She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoesEeks! Somehow this sentence is grammatically incorrect. I might sound crazy, but I have an internall grammar-radar. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine werepast tense? somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.

The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.

Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:

I had my expectations.

Though they were pursed tight in my heartawkward maybe. i've never heard of pursed as a verb, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea. Alright so far

The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So,FANBOYS??? Distracts from writing was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.

From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.

Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.

But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.

Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…

As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.

His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.

The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.

Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.

He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. Just so gorgeous, I say to myself.

“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.



“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.

“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.

The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.

Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.

Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.

But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.
Okay, so instead of editing and being uber nitpicky, I stepped back and read the rest. In my opinion, there is mega potential, but at the same time you need to work on flow and being consistent with diction. There are some really beautiful parts, and then others that don't match up. Anyways, KEEP WRITING!!!

Hello! Booky here to review, comments in bold!

Rebecca:

She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoesEeks! Somehow this sentence is grammatically incorrect. I might sound crazy, but I have an internall grammar-radar. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine werepast tense? somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.

The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.

Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:

I had my expectations.

Though they were pursed tight in my heartawkward maybe. i've never heard of pursed as a verb, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea. Alright so far

The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So,FANBOYS??? Distracts from writing was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.

From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.

Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.

But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.

Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…

As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.

His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.

The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.

Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.

He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. Just so gorgeous, I say to myself.

“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.



“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.

“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.

The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.

Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.

Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.

But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.
Okay, so instead of editing and being uber nitpicky, I stepped back and read the rest. In my opinion, there is mega potential, but at the same time you need to work on flow and being consistent with diction. There are some really beautiful parts, and then others that don't match up. Anyways, KEEP WRITING!!!

Hello! Booky here to review, comments in bold!

Rebecca:

She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoesEeks! Somehow this sentence is grammatically incorrect. I might sound crazy, but I have an internall grammar-radar. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine werepast tense? somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.

The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.

Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:

I had my expectations.

Though they were pursed tight in my heartawkward maybe. i've never heard of pursed as a verb, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea. Alright so far

The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So,FANBOYS??? Distracts from writing was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.

From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.

Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.

But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.

Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…

As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.

His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.

The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.

Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.

He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. Just so gorgeous, I say to myself.

“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.



“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.

“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.

The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.

Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.

Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.

But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.
Okay, so instead of editing and being uber nitpicky, I stepped back and read the rest. In my opinion, there is mega potential, but at the same time you need to work on flow and being consistent with diction. There are some really beautiful parts, and then others that don't match up. Anyways, KEEP WRITING!!!

Hello! Booky here to review, comments in bold!

Rebecca:

She always said that the world looked brighter from her shoesEeks! Somehow this sentence is grammatically incorrect. I might sound crazy, but I have an internall grammar-radar. Her shoes were lovely, funnier and most importantly full of love. Mine werepast tense? somewhat antonyms of all the adjectives in her life. I never had a caring father like she did; my mother always found it tough to make her salary last till the end of the month, I sometimes was forced to wear my cousin’s hand-me-down clothes. Overall, I never had a childhood as simple as she had. And love…nothing like that, too.

The more I thought about it, the more sure I felt about this.

Maybe it was time for me to jump into her shoes. Turning the tables, maybe?

Alicia:

I had my expectations.

Though they were pursed tight in my heartawkward maybe. i've never heard of pursed as a verb, and had never rustled by anyone’s ears, I did have them. Why lie? I wanted it to be perfect. My wedding, that is. Like everyone wants it to be. I didn’t expect it to be some grand Los Angeles wedding-that was asking too much, but a nice, warm ceremony was my idea. Alright so far

The first time I met Edward, one thing was certain. I had to marry him, or live as a spinster for the rest of my life. There was a pull in him, like gravity at its best. That night, I pulled out all the money I had saved up till now, and for my surprise, it wasn’t even enough to get me a wedding cake. Let alone arrange the whole wedding. So,FANBOYS??? Distracts from writing was this the moment where my dreams were supposed to shatter and lay helplessly as broken fragments on floor, and whimper? Not at all! I knew it was going to take some time for him to come and ask me to marry him; therefore I had a lot of time on my hands. Each penny could take me there.

From the next morning, I was at my best to save every nickel and every penny. I wasn’t going to let money ruin my best day. If the distance was less, then I preferred walking than hiring a cab or sharing a bus ride. I took little of jam on my toasts every morning for two reasons. One-to make one bottle of jam last for two months. Two-to make me slim. I had to get into that gown I had been eyeing for months now.

Whenever I had to buy some clothes, I’d walk all the way to Ruby’s where they sold second hands until the occasion was pretty special. Then I had to loosen up my pocket a bit.

But anything for a big day…even it made me a miser and paranoid.

Even though I had not confessed about it, I had pictured the whole wedding scene in my dreams repeatedly several times. There was a proper sequence to it; nothing changed in it. Except for…

As far as I remember, the neon lights always started to hang from my dad’s roof and ended up at a pole that had been dug inside the luxuriant grass, surrounded by my mom’s flower beds. It was always the same three-tiered blueberry cake, with a mauve scrawl marking it. Dad wore his same red tie with the tuxedo he had bought for his own wedding. Suzie was always there standing with a yellow bouquet of flowers. One thing, though that was completely different every time I dreamed was the end to it. I never got to the ‘I do’ part.

Funny enough. For a girl who was still waiting to be asked for marriage. Funny enough.

It always seemed like I had played on the video of a fairytale wedding’s scene-the perfect Motion pictures typical wedding. I walk in the garden. Everywhere I see, my eyes meet swarming group of people, plastically fake smiles sticking to their even plastic faces. They greet me and I smile shyly. As a bride should do. My mother had told me so. Wonderful drapery of vibrant colours covers the furniture and the aisle. I almost gambol at the thought of having this for me.

My each step taken more delicately than the one before, I slowly trudge my way ahead, my arms entwined in my dad's.

His eyes are rolling, jogging around the white of his eyes. I can see something carving its way on its surface. Tears. I am sure of that. Evil little crystals ruining my dad’s looks. I look at him with deep admiration, and chuckle lightly to myself. These wet eyes are the same eyes that had often rolled to a big round ball when their owner wanted to stop me from doing something they didn’t want me to. Their spell always worked on me.

The owner has one question. Is the marriage in best interests for his daughter? Would it bring happiness to her? Answer is something no one knows just yet.

Behind all the people, people who are more interested in drinking free champagne and taunting on each other’s jewelry weight rather than bless me and Ed, comes rushing my six year old niece-wearing a pastel pink frock. Her tiara has flowers. The yellow ones. Same as her mother, Suzie, is holding in her hands. A flutter of excitement rises to my throat as I stretch my hands to hug my niece. Her glittering knock at my soul’s windows and whisper, “Everything would be all right.” I giggle, ruffling her strawberry blonde hair.

Getting up, my eyes met his. He’s standing upright, his tuxedo suiting him well. I shyly bow down my head, blushing the rest of the way.

“Ready?” Ed winks, and I nod.

He smiles, and butterflies start fluttering again. In my stomach this time. That’s the day I had been waiting for. For two years. And now that it’s finally come, I wonder if I’d ever feel the same anxiety and happiness ever. But I know happier days are yet to come. It’s just the beginning. My dad pulls out his arms out of the protective grasp he had formed. Right from my birth. Even if it was invisible, it was always there, soothing my every move. He steps back, and I face Edward. His hair is gelled back neatly, the fresh sheen of facial sprinting on his face. Just so gorgeous, I say to myself.

“You look…handsome.” He says to me, making me punch him lightly on his shoulder. One of our old jokes. Changing each other’s gender. Funny game it might have been, it was still enjoyable.

“Should we begin?” The priest coughs, and we both turn our faces to see the serene bald man staring at us. We nod.



“Do you accept Miss. Alicia Kingston to be your lawfully wedded wife?” That ones for Edward.

“Yes, I do.” His blue eyes shine perfectly.

The priest turns to me, as he flicks the page from the Bible, and clears his throat. “Do you accept Mr. Edward Brown to be your lawfully wedded husband?” That’s it.

Everything pauses. Time stops for me. It was the deciding sentence. Either it would be a yes or a no. The whole wedding was stumbling upon it. Definitely a yes. How could it be otherwise? I breathe in a bit, scrunching shut my eyes and watching the slideshow of the Kodak moments I and Edward had spent together. Right from the first time we met, to the beach party he threw for my birthday. Everything fits perfectly into my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. A smile lightens up my face.

Right after I open my eyes, something’s out of order. Edward wearing his tuxedo has been changed into my best friend. Rebecca Swift. She is there, waving her hands in front of my eyes, as my vision gets muddy and hazier each passing moment. Everything seems disoriented, with her voice trailing at the back of my mind. My head starts spinning. Where had she been all this while?

“Rush, Ali! There’s a fire!” She shouts, but till the time her voice reaches my ear, it’s been deteriorated to a muffle. The muffled voice mixes with shouts in and around me As I began realizing the fact that I’d no longer be able to stand right on my feet, I hold on to Rebecca’s wrist. I try looking around, but my vision is betraying me faster than the speed of light. Dotted figures only exist in front of my eyes, frantically running in all the directions. Why should I wait? But only if Edward was here. I don’t want to leave him alone. Not without saying ‘I do”. Not without him would I leave the place.

But it wasn’t my happy dream. It was going to end abruptly.
Okay, so instead of editing and being uber nitpicky, I stepped back and read the rest. In my opinion, there is mega potential, but at the same time you need to work on flow and being consistent with diction. There are some really beautiful parts, and then others that don't match up. Anyways, KEEP WRITING!!!