Young Writers Society

Legend has it that long ago, Paul was a lost spirit of the Internet, and not the amazing, animated yellow thing we all love today. Back then he was known as Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm, the strange yellow avatar who kept to himself. He wandered the realms of mighty Google alone and ashamed, until one day, he came upon YWS...

Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm looked up at the great wonders of YWS. It was a mass of spiralling words and creativity, of strange people who liked to call themselves writers, and of hundreds of avatars. Soon Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm became lost. He travelled far and wide, through mazes of forums and works - some with one review, some with none - then finally, he reached the gleaming Information Desk.

"Please...I-I'm lost" Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm said shyly.
"Try going to the Welcome Mat and introducing yourself, then the other avatars will help you." a monkey avatar suggested.

The other avatars seemed to wait on his hand and foot, act as if he was king, but Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm had heard the whispers, he had seen the statues. It was SKINS they all worshipped, a great and mighty writer, a worthy god.

In that moment Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm realised his purpose, it was to be SKINS' avatar, it was to be Paul; the (sexy) yellow thing. It was to be recognised from all around, to be envied.

Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm decided to abandon the monkey's suggestion and requested the whereabouts of SKINS. He was told he had to journey to The Profile, a perilous road, a dangerous risk. For around The Profile was My YWS, a place where he discovered thieving members attempting to copy his link, to use variations of him, of his family.

He crossed his legs and tried to hide his dignity, no YWS user could find that URL, if they did he would become a shambles, nothing more than a worthless clone. Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm ran through the crowd desperately, hoping he could reach SKINS before she was offline, before she was gone. That July there were so many members online that he began to worry whether he would even find SKINS at all, let alone become her avatar.

Eventually through all the hullaballoo, he made it to SKINS' Wall. Quickly he bared his link to all, hoping that SKINS would snaffle it up quickly like a rabid racoon. She did, and it was even better, this racoon was high on sugar.

Through the bright light of YWS came a vision so beautiful, so awe-worthy it made Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm's mouth hang open...


It was a gypsy. Dancing on sugar lumps.


SKINS tossed aside the ginger cheese Jenthura had offered her, he could have it back for all she cared, Paul - yes, that would be his name now she mused, Paul is a very... EPIC name - could be cheese if he wanted to. For days she had been searching for an animated avatar, one good enough for YWS, and now she had found it. She was in love. Other users were envious, words floated around ShadowKnight155; "If I saw that insane, idiotic, and slightly disturbing creature somewhere else, how could I not want it?" SKINS didn't listen, and absent-mindedly patted Paul's head.

From that day on Paul became famous, the animated yellow thing he'd always dreamed he'd be. Yes, other users became jealous of his amazing looks and eventually found his brothers and sisters, there was one called MilkNCookies, she stole Paulina, a close lookalike. Funkymomo took Paulette, his cousin, a spy from an unkmown land. Paul didn't mind, and even if he did he had too low self-esteem to say so. SKINS didn't worry either, even though she kept telling everybody, only she knew his true capability - HE COULD KILL THEM ALL.

Hi, I'm Nike! I actually joined Skins' contest as well, by PMing her. This is really cool, I like the whole story! Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm is a very long name ha-ha but awesome idea!

Keep Writing!

Nike

Hello, tinkembell! I'm here as requested.
I've never come across a story like this and I'm glad that you wrote this. Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm was an interesting character to read about and I found it very enjoyable. I enjoyed this part most of all:

He crossed his legs and tried to hide his dignity, no YWS user could find that URL, if they did he would become a shambles, nothing more than a worthless clone.

It makes me smile at the sort of cuteness I picture him when "he crossed his legs and tried to hide his diginity". Great job.

Overall, this is a short story that I'll probably read again in the future for fun. I like how your imaginative and make Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm's story into an enjoyable, unique and nice short story.

I know this is a bit short review, but I can't say anything bad about it. It's really a great short story and I can't wait to read more of your work.

Two thumbs up!

~DeadEnds

Here be mine review!

Legend has it that long ago, Paul was a lost spirit of the Internet, and not the amazing, animated yellow thing we all love today.

Hmm, I’m not quite sure how to approach this. I hate clichés, and always suggest to writers to avoid them, but here it seems to fit very well. I suppose I’ll have to leave the choice up to you (Ultimately, the choice is yours anyways).

Back then he was known as Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm, the strange yellow avatar who kept to himself.

This name is just far too long. You repeat it throughout the story, which could be funny if we didn’t have to drag our eyes over that mass of dashes, slashes and numbers every time.
Try to shorten it a little.

He wandered the realms of mighty Google alone and ashamed, until one day, he came upon YWS...

‘Until’

It was a mass of spiralling words and creativity, of strange people who liked to call themselves writers, and of hundreds of avatars.Soon Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm became lost.

Ha, I like that: “…people who liked to call themselves writers…”
Anyways, ‘hundreds’ is misspelled. Plus, you need a space before ‘Soon’ because it is a new sentence.
“…avatars. Soon…”

He travelled far and wide, through mazes of forums and works - some with one review, some with none - then finally; he reached the gleaming Information Desk.

‘Finally’ is misspelled.
Also, you should replace that semicolon with a comma.

"Please, I, I'm lost" Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm said shyly.

The way Paul speaks here is not quite right. When hesitating or stuttering, a character’s dialogue is generally interspersed with ellipses (…) or dashes. It should look like this: “Please...I-I’m lost.” See?

"Try going to the Welcome Mat and introducing yourself; then the other avatars will help you." a monkey avatar suggested.

You use a semicolon incorrectly here. A semicolon removes the need for a conjunction; you don’t need the ‘then’.

Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm decided to abandon the monkey's suggestion and requested the whereabouts of SKINS.He was told he had to journey to The Profile, a perilous road, a dangerous risk.

You need a space between ‘SKINS’ and ‘He’.

Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies-little-crest/001.htm ran through the crowd desperately, hoping he could reach SKINS before she was offline, before she was gone.

‘Desperately’ is misspelled.

That July there were so many members online that he began to worry wether he would even find SKINS at all, let alone become her avatar.

‘Whether’ is misspelled.

It was a gypsy. Dancing on sugarlumps.

IT WAS SKINS!!

SKINS didn't worry either, even though she kept telling everybody, only she knew his true capability - HE COULD KILL THEM ALL.

I saw that on Skins’ wall too.

Okay, you got a great story idea. It’s crazy, wild, gingery and imaginative: everything a story about Paul and SKINS should be. You made a few errors, but each is easily correctable.
I think you should bring Skins into the story a little more, her reason for choosing Paul, her emotions over finding such a find and so on. She seems to be a faceless, emotionless lump…most unlike our real Skins.
Okay, I’m done.
Jenth

Hey!

I'm afraid I'm laughing to hard for you to give this a proper review! It was hilarious and truely ingenius! I entered SKINS contest aswell buyt I gave up...writerz block chewed me up and spat me out leaving me idealess. More to the point, I really enjoyed this idea. Iwas original and I'm sure SKINS well love this. I liked how you used the linkn of SKINS avatar as the name, that made me laugh. Its weird the way you come up with things isn't it? I think you deserve a like for this. It was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing and I'm sorry I couldn't review better then this. I think it's too un-serious for me to review properly. Haha

Good luck
Kaka xo

Hi there!

So, I think it's a great contest idea and your story has potential.
First thing use the giant name only once/twice. Otherwise it pains the reader's eyes. And maybe tweak the title so that it's easy on the eyes.
IMHO.

On the plot, I love the craziness of it all, but as Jeth said, play more with Skins and her emotions with Paul.

mouth hang open...

I loved this.
Try to create more using the avatars Skinsy has used so far. If you develop this more and put more of Skinsy, it would be good.
Though I like the end, I think you can spend a while to construct it and give it a good flow instead of just dropping it on us.

Good luck!
~Lava

Heyaaa!

This review will only be a brief one because, well, I've got a lot of these to get to. Also, I don't want to make it obvious how much I like or dislike this piece compared to others, so the more brief I am, the less likely that is to happen. Don't worry though, I will still try to make this critique helpful!

In that moment Paul0003/avatars-100x100-smilies/001.htm realised his purpose, it was to be SKINS' avatar, it was to be Paul; the (sexy) yellow thing.

Amen.

It was a gypsy. Dancing on sugar lumps.

You know me so well.

Okay, so I really liked this! I adored the ending. The last line was epic. One thing I think you did well was actually the fact that you captured Paul's personality. I got a sense of low self-esteem--which he certainly does have--but there was that hint of Paul will kill everyone feeling at the same time, especially at the end. So yeah, kudos for you on that. Your grammar and all of that was great, and the general plot of this was really interesting and entertaining too. It was funny, plus as well as capturing Paul's personality, you described me in a way that sounded like, well, me. xD

One critique I have for you is that I would have liked for you to have maybe showed us more of the last few paragraphs. Expanded on them, I guess. I would have liked to have seen at least a little bit of Paul's life after I took him in. You gave some brief descriptions, but some more details would have been awesome.You could have even just written a short scene where Paul got, like, a coronation or something, then go on to mention the other YWSers using his family as avatars. That could have been really funny. Just something after the Skins takes Paul in thing would have worked well, basically.

Overall, you've done a great job!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, tink! Here to review for the contest.

This was an interesting concept. And then there's this line:

She did, and it was even better, this racoon was high on sugar.

That brings back memories.

Paul's name being a URL was a neat idea, as was the avatars taking the place of YWS members (until Paul becomes one). How he became Skins's avatar was also rather funny, as was Skins's reaction (why was Jenthura offering her cheese? ). My only critique is more of a question: did Paulette join Paul in killing everyone? And more importantly, why am I asking this question? This was a great piece and I've got nothing bad to say about it, so KEEP WRITING!

Tiger