Young Writers Society

I found my ghost crying
She held our diary

She did not moan
She did not whine

She was small and quiet
Her lips kissed the silence

Our breaths danced into one
Cold rested between us

She swallowed my voice
And she kept my words

She did not talk
She did not sing

I kissed her cheek
Tasted her tears

She held my hand
I felt nothing

My past is dead
I asked her to leave

My past is dead
And my ghost follows me

This is good but I feel like it should be expanded. Or keep this one short and do an expanded version. I'd like to see it were you never actually tell us she's a ghost but you describe it over the poem so the reader comes to that conclusion. Something like...

"I found her crying
Holding the diary

Our diary...."

Then you can say something like

"Her image mirroring mine"

To show she's your ghost.

Beautifully poignant. If you're going to expand it, try not to over do it because I do like it's simplicity in part. Good work, let me know if you redraft

Beautiful.
I love the simplistic imagery of this piece of poetry. It flows and it makes me smile.
It also makes me wonder and want more to read, though I like how short it is I do think maybe a bit more added would help, but I guess thats the mystery of the piece.
Overall a lovely piece and I look forward to reading more.
Well done!

Hi there

This has potential but needs a little work.

I think you need to expand on this. It has some very good lines and ideas in it but is too short to have a very moving impact on the reader. I recommend you expand on it. I also recommend you cut out the dialogue. The descriptions are the best part.

Besides that is very good. The simplicity really works with this. And if you work on it a bit it could be amazing.

And the line

"Her lips kissed the silence"

Is really good.

Hello there. I feel is poem has a lot of potential, but it needs more detail. It isn't exactly simple, it just is missing a lot. Try expanding it, and using more emotions. I didn't really feel anything when I read this, and the fact that there isn't a mood is a problem. Is it supposed to be scary because of the ghost, or pained because of what the ghost represents? Try expanding on the ideas of what this poem means to you. Put your heart into it.

--> ooh, I get it. The message says that you and the ghost were one. I guess you need to widen or expand the idea. You can also add some twist or conflict in this. You can tell here why your ghost was haunting you and maybe, you can include that you had an argument about how to solve a problem .. as for me, ghosts often symbolizes the past memories that keep on bothering us or haunting us.. There's a good idea you have in there but I think you have to add some spices in this good work.

---love,
CS

Thank you for all of your comments. I have added more to the poem. I may add more in the future as my ghost continues to follow me. I don't usually write poetry so I'm glad it sort of worked.

Beautiful. I really liked this part:

My past is dead
And my ghost follows me

You have a natural gift of writing. I can't wait to read more of your work.
Keep writing!
~DeadEnds

This was a beautiful piece of poetry you've written. And I especially loved the title! My Ghost and I. So poetic in itself. I think my favorite part would have to be when you wrote:

She was small and quiet
Her lips kissed the silence

There was something about this part here that just kept my eyes glued to your words. A sign of a great poet. Wonderful job!

Hey there, Smile. A review for a review, right?

Anyways. On to reviewing... I liked this. Really liked it. It was cute and sad, but brilliant. Wonderful flow, rythym and imagery. I could really relate to the poem, to the narrator. Beautiful, I must say. I loved how you used the words, and how you twisted the imagery. Truly beatiful. And perfectly fine how it is, which means I don't have any nitpicks. Sadly, but I don't mind.

Overall, Smile, you have a goregous little poem here. I adore it. *clicks like* I really do. Thank you for the beautifully brilliant poetry. I love it, seriously. Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. ^^

Nice piece of poetry here Smile. I really liked it. It's so simple and yet it all flows together very nicely. My favorite lines were the last four. They kinda portray a little hope for the girl. At least, that's the way it sounded for me. You could definitely add some more to it. And if you added the right things, it could make it better. Keep writing for sure, 'cause your writing is really good. Good job. I love it.

Hello Smile, I'm here to review this. ^^

First of all, I would just like to tell you that you have succeeded in creating a piece that I absolutely loved, especially near the end. There were parts in here that had me completely captivated, which I almost found strange considering that this is so simple. Don't get me wrong here, simplicity is beauty, but in poetry it can be hard to pull of correctly. You've managed it very, very well though.

In this whole thing, there was one line that I was just a bit iffy about:

SmileLikeUMeanIt wrote:Our breaths danced into one

This is probably just me being extremely picky, but I was desperate to find something worth nit-picking, so here it is. I'm not a huge fan of the word 'dancing' being used in poetry, not in the context you have it in anyways. (If somebody was actually physically and literally dancing, then that's all good. Of course.) I don't know why, but it's always seemed a bit cliche to use that word.

Otherwise, though, I absolutely adored this. It was definitely a good piece. Keep up the awesome work!

~~Cass

Hi

this is beautiful! The only thing is that I feel like their could be a story behind it that doesn't get showcased in this poem. You might consider thinking about making it a little clearer. However, I also like the vagueness....sorry if I seem kind of undecided...

The only bit I might consider changing was

"She did not moan
She did not whine"

It kind of breaks the flow because the rest of the poem is so elegant and this doesn't quite fit.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it--nice work!

Sarebear

Hi there.

I really like that you expanded this, it feels more whole and complete and a much better poem. I also like that you lost the dialogue because it now has a better flow. As I said in my first review, this is really good, and your use of language is fantastic. I love some of the new lines you added like

"Our breaths danced into one
Cold rested between us"

That's just brilliant.

In conclusion, really good job.

Wow. That is honestly all I can say right now. This was a really good poem. Actually, it sorta makes me want to write the poem that has been collecting dust in my brain for the past month. It inspired me to write, and that isn't very easy, so good job!