Young Writers Society

This poem has been removed.

I really like this. One major observation of mine is that I can't tell if you deliberately wanted to rhyme in some places and then didn't in others. I'm assuming that you didn't want this to be a rhyming poem, but some rhymes were coincidential. Also, I think that this poem is a little long for this feeling that you are conveying and can really be compressed so you can still say the same thing. I think a shorter version of this poem would have more power over its readers.
Great work, keep writing!
-Alex

Here comes the most suckish review... EVER.

Seriously, I've just done a poetry review and it's painful to look at, let alone read. Basically, I fail at reviewing poetry, so I apologise in advance if I'm completely useless. Like always, if you have any questions or comments about my review once I'm done, just let me know with a comment on my wall or a PM.

This is definitely an interesting poem, Kaka. I think that there are some effective lines in this, and from what I can tell of the story of it, it sounds like an interesting one. The overall flow is pretty nice and smooth, plus I think that there were a few lines that included some great imagery. I will struggle to find critiques for this because like I said before, my knowledge on poetry is horribly low. Nonetheless, this is a review, so I will at least try to find something so that I can help you out.

Okay, I think I have something. The main issue I'm having with this right now has something to do with the story behind the poem. Basically, I think it's way too vague. To begin with, why is the boy so sad? You mentioned something about his mother... Were they close? If they were, how? You keep saying that this boy is hurting, but show us how he's hurting.

But he can't change what has happened,
He can't change the fate of that night,

Okay... so what did actually happen that night? What you seem to be doing is giving us the brief details, but not going into the deeply. You mentioned a funeral at the beginning, but whose funeral is it? His mother's? As for that night, was it the night his mother died? Then you go on to describe how the boy punches his friends. That seemed to come out of nowhere, by the way, but that's not why I pointed it out. Why does he punch his friends exactly? Because he's sad? I don't know... it seems odd to me. If you described it in more detail, then it would be fine. To cut it short, I basically think that you're a bit too vague in places here.

The only other thing I noticed was something at the beginning. You mentioned a funeral, right? You said something about the boy trying to cry, but the feeling not being there. Yet he's clearly depressed, and I assume it's over who died, so the feeling of crying must be there. Does that make sense? To put it simply, that didn't make much sense to me. It came across as though he didn't care for the person who died, but then you went on and mentioned his mother being dead, describing how greatly he wished he had one... I assume it's her funeral that is described at the beginning, so I don't know... the whole not being able to cry because the feeling's not there thing is weird.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Kaka, here for a review as requested!

Okay, so I'm not sure what type of poetry you're going for: rhyming or non-rhyming. Because in some places you rhymed, and in others you didn't, and I just lost the flow of the whole thing. With the way the stanzas are set up, I'd expect it to rhyme, but you only do so in a few of the stanzas. So, I'm a little lost with the whole rhythm and what type of sound you're trying to exhibit.

The tale you're telling is sad and sweet, from what I can gather; he's a lonely boy who's going through a very tough time without anyone to help him through it. However, it felt really repetitive. Not only in the stanzas, where you start out a lot of the lines with the same wording, but also in the descriptions you use. You've painted the picture of a grieving, lonely boy; you don't have to keep repeating that description.

On the whole, though, I think this is a lovely piece with a hopeful, optimistic view of someone who's wanting to help him, and I salute you for writing the beauty that comes from pain.

Oh, and about the title -- I thought at first that it read "The boy who wants to be loved by Kaka," meaning that there's a boy who wants to be loved by you...yes, I know, I only realized what you meant at the end of the poem, as I was wondering what that had to do with romance or Valentine's day. >.< Yeah...so I'd suggest maybe changing the name to be just the poem's title.

Well, that's really all I have to review. Please remember that I'm not a poetry expert in the least, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Let me know if you have any questions or anything, and keep up the good work. (:

Wow great job! I like your work it's......................captivating. Keep writing!

Hi there! Thanks so much for requesting a review. ^_^ I'm sorry it took me a while to get to it, but now that I'm here, I shall try my best to be helpful. The thing is, I really know next to nothing about writing poetry, so you're going to have to bear with me and please excuse me if I just start going off about things that aren't relevant at all.

First, I'd just like to make a little nit-pick:

Your known as the boy with the problem.

That should be "you're," since it's an abbreviation of "you are." If you write "your," then that means that there's something that belongs to the person you're talking to (e.g. "your dog").

Okay, that said, I think this poem has a lot of potential. There is a lot of emotion behind it and I can see it peeping through in a few places... but overall, I think it feels inhibited. It feels a little bit like you're trying to be structured, or regular, or rhythmical, but that is getting in the way of what you want to say. I feel like your rhythm is inhibited by what you want to say, but what you want to say is also inhibited by your rhythm, so it ends up being sort of a compromise. I'm not really sure how you could fix this (like I said, I'm a complete newb when it comes to poetry) but I think it's something to think about.

The other point I'd like to make sort of goes along with what Skins said about the story being too vague. I had the same thought when I was reading this, but I think the problem is that it's actually not vague enough. See, I can't tell if you want it to be vague or not because on the one hand, you give us some very specific details (like the fact that his mother died) but on the other hand, you don't really give us enough details to understand completely what you're talking about (like how his mother died, or how long ago). It's not just a poem about a boy who's sad, because you tell us a little of his background, but it's not a specific poem either, because you don't tell us very much about his background. I actually think it's similar to the other point I made--you're making a compromise. You're both too vague and not vague enough.

Also, I agree completely with Ranger Hawk: you should change the title. I thought that it was going to be a romantic poem, and it was going to be about a boy who wants you to love him. >.< If I were you, I'd change it to "The Boy who Wants to be Loved." And don't worry! People will be able to tell it's by you because you posted it. ^_~

Well, that's about it. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful! Please PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or anything.

I hope this helps somewhat.

a

Kagi. I am finally here. I would have done this way early yesterday morning, but I wasn't feeling that great xD

So! You all ready have quite a few reviews here, so I don't know if I'll be able to add too much to it. Sorry in advance.

The poem wasn't too bad, but it seemed to lack depth in my opinion. It's a little too straight-to-the point-- the whole 'show don't tell' thing, but you've done it in reverse. His mother died, he's alone and afraid and lost, nobody understands... that's a good enough story to make a poem revolve around, but you need to add more emotion.

Of course, there's plenty of emotion here. It's pretty much staring you down. But I don't want it to stare me down, I want it to jump out and grab me. Take each emotion portrayed here, each bit of a story, and weave them together with a bit of imagery.

And, if you don't want to be too vague about the story, throw in tiny details that will give us a bit more of a picture, but at the same time, don't tell us everything all at once. Spread the story out throughout the poem and twine the emotion and how the boy feels in with it.

It's definitely not a bad poem, I just found it a bit dull for my tastes.

Peace out you cat lover.

~~Cass