Shade (working title) - Chapter 1

6 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1863
Reviews 33
I wish I could re-name the spoiler as an author's note...
Spoiler
Just so everyone knows, this is one of the few 12+ rated chapters. Most of them will be rated 16+. -nods knowingly- Another note, this story is a fantasy/romance and the fantasy in this story doesn't get introduced until chapter 3. But don't worry, it's not your typical romance... :wink:


Chapter 1

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

As he ran through the waves of the ocean, I couldn’t help but smile over the top of my manga. He was very pretty, and I didn’t think I’d ever seen anyone so graceful. He had shoulder-length pure black hair that was kind of choppy like mine and, although I couldn’t tell from this distance, I thought he had blue eyes. I noticed that he was carrying something on his back, but I didn’t know what it was with the ocean spray surrounding him.

“Copalis Beach… Ah, I love this place,” I sighed, laying down in the cold, wet sand. I didn’t care if I got it all over me, I just wanted to enjoy this moment since I’d been really stressed at school lately.

“That’s great, honey, but you have to go and get your little brother, he’s getting too close to that guy.” My mother pointed to - well, I think it’s pretty obvious. She had pointed to the guy I was staring at. I blushed slightly but jogged over after grabbing my water bottle and manga.

I grabbed Brandon’s hand and looked him in the eyes. “Brandon, you have to stay closer to Mom. She worries too-“

Hearing him laugh, I stopped and stared at the guy again. The thing I had seen him holding was another person; another guy. He had somewhat curly blond hair and brown eyes. He looks like a surfer, I thought briefly. His head was resting against the other guy’s shoulder. They looked like a perfect couple and probably were. My thoughts were confirmed a second later with a kiss. Blushing, I looked away and back at Brandon.

“Hotaru…”

Oh, I love it when he uses my real name instead of saying my name in English.

“Hotaru, listen to me!” Brandon whined.

He was only seven so I let him get away with it. “Sorry… What do you need?”

“Today is your fifteenth birthday, right? Well, you need a date!”

Most people, including myself, would find this entirely too coincidental, but I was drinking water at that point and spit it out spectacularly. Coughing, I said, “Uh… I don’t think that’s such a great idea.”

“But you’re the best brother ever, Firefly! You deserve a pretty girl!”

Ugh. He called me my translated name, which I hate. Double ugh. He said I needed a girl. Yuck. “Sorry, kid. Not gonna happen. C’mon, its time to go back to Mom.”

“Aw...” Luckily he dropped it after that.

We had walked back in silence for a bit when I realized I had forgotten my water bottle. I looked back to see the ocean lapping against it. “Oh, crap. Brandon, go back to Mom, I’ll be there in a second.” I vaguely heard him reply something like “Okay.” as I ran back. Let me tell you, running in sand isn’t fun or easy. I don’t see how those people who run miles along the beach do it. Anyway, I was running back and suddenly I trip and fall flat on my face - in front of them. I think I might die.

“Is this yours?” he asks, holding out my water bottle.

“Y-yeah, it is. Thanks.”

“No problem.” He smiled and extended a hand to help me up. His, I assume, boyfriend didn’t look too happy about the exchange.

“Thank you… Um, my name’s Hotaru. Do you mind my asking yours?” It was always weird telling people my name. They tended to stare a bit too much.

However, he didn’t. “My name is Miyako. So your name is Firefly? That seems to suit you.”

Wow, he knows his names…

“When I think of fireflies, I tend to think of autumn and in turn I think of all the leaves falling from trees. Your hair is the same red as those leaves while your eyes are the green, too. Very pretty.” He smiled.

“Um, thank you…” I mumbled. “And Miyako … that means ‘beautiful night child’ if I’m not mistaken, right?” I have to say that his name suits him much more than mine suits me.

“It does!” His eyes - turns out that they’re green - sparkled. And I have to say, they’re not just any normal green like mine. They’re that amazing cat-eye green. “Normally I have to explain it to people. It’s kind of strange that we both have Japanese names, isn’t it?”

“I suppose it is... What was your mother and father’s reasoning for giving you a Japanese name? Mine was that they were only seventeen and were obsessed with anime and manga. I got the name Hotaru because they were reading manga together at a park late at night and fireflies were circling them. My mom was pregnant at the time. They took it as some kind of weird sign.”

“That’s interesting - seriously,” he added as he saw my dubious look. “And, well, I don’t have any parents. They ... died when I was ten. I have a few memories… I think the story was about the same, minus the fireflies.” Miyako smiled sadly. Abruptly, he said, “How old are you? I’m seventeen.”

At that point his boyfriend snapped. “It’s time to go, Miyako. We’ve got to get back to the campground or my parents will realize that we snuck off to play in the ocean. C’mon. Give you a piggyback ride?” He looked hopeful.

Miyako turned slightly red and whispered, “Not in front of children, Jack.”

“You were carrying me…” he mumbled at the same time I said,

“Um… I’m not a child. I’m fifteen as of today.”

“Oh, well, otanjoubi omedetou gozaimasu!” Miyako said happily.

“Why thank you!”

Okay, so you’re probably saying, “Huh?” right? Well, let me explain. What Miyako just said was basically, “Happy birthday!” in a polite manner to me. It’s great to have a main character that knows what’s going on, right?

“Miyako… It’s time to go. Now,” Jack said.

“Oh, fine, you big jerk. It was nice to meet you, Hotaru.” He bowed slightly. “I hope to see you again.”

Yes, of course I blushed. “I do, too. Bye Miyako.” I bowed as well.

As I watched Miyako and Jack hold hands while walking back to the entrance of the beach, I was slightly sad. After a few minutes I decided, since I still had a few minutes left at the beach, to go explore some caves. First I jogged over to where my twin - but in no way identical - sister was.

“Hey, Firefly. What’s up?”

“You know I hate it when you call me that,” I said with a cross expression.

“Which is exactly why I call you it!” She grinned.

“I don’t call you Cherry Blossom…” I grumbled. “Anyway, Sakura, do you want to go explore some caves with me? I’d like to before we leave…”

“Oh, I guess so. All I was doing was unsuccessfully finding shells, anyway,” she sighed dramatically.

Right… What you were really doing was checking Jack out, probably. Typical.

“Yeah, whatever. Just follow me to that cave over there.” I pointed to the cave I wanted to go in.

“Hotaru, that cave is right next to the tide. It could come in and eat us.”

I rolled my eyes. “The tide is going out, not in, Sakura.”

“You can never be too careful!” she whined.

Ugh, will you drop it? It’s not gonna freakin’ eat us.”

“Fine, but you have to protect me.”

Like I’d do anything but…

“What was that?!”

“Nothing, nothing…”

Walking through the cave entrance, I couldn’t tell how far it went in. It was pretty dark and wet, too.

“Hotaru, it’s really wet… Like the tide was here just a second ago.”

Talk about stating the obvious. I sighed but didn’t reply. We had walked in about ten more feet when we came to a dead end of rocks. “Okay, if you hear or feel anything weird, run out of the cave as fast as you can without falling,” I told Sakura.

“What are you gonna do?” she asked cautiously.

“I’m gonna make a hole in the rocks, see if there’s a hidden passageway or something,” I said, half-joking and half-serious.

“Um, okay then…” She raised her eyebrows in the semidarkness.

I dug through the rocks. To my surprise, they crumbled away quickly and easily. What was left was actually a sturdy roof and a hole big enough for both of us to squeeze through at the same time.

I grinned. “Let’s go.”

“This is a bad idea. It’s dark and cold and there’s seaweedy stuff everywhere. A rockslide could kill us or we could slip on it and crack our heads open.”

“Will you just relax?! It’s okay. I won’t let you or myself get hurt on our birthday.”

Eventually I talked her into going through. Once I had, we climbed through the hole and stepped down onto a small ledge. What we saw inside shocked us both, I believe.

An open room laid in front of us with stalagmites and stalactites all over the ceiling and floor. There were even a few crystals around the place. It was beautiful - I hadn’t ever seen anything like it.

Sakura breathed loudly in wonder beside me.

And then suddenly I lost my footing and slid down the ledge, screaming and falling about twelve feet...

Spoiler
That spans about 5 1/2 pages on a 9x6 format with 1" margins, by the way. So... How'd you like it? Review if you have the time, please! :smt003
Last edited by MoonlightAssassin on Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Come visit the ReviewIn'!
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic75873.html

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1706
Reviews 29
Hey MoonlightAssassin,

I really like the over all narrative in this chapter. I like that you insinuate with out directly telling us that Hotaru is gay, it makes it more interesting. You've clearly foreshadowed the fact that no one knows he's gay and that this might lead to some trouble further on in the story.

I'm going to just go through the whole thing and pick out bits I like and the bits I don't and hopefully give you some suggestions to fix things or maybe just give you something to think about.

“Copalis Beach… Ah, I love this place,” I sighed, laying down in the cold, wet sand. I didn’t care if I got it all over me, I just wanted to enjoy this moment. It was the first real second of peace I’d had since we’d moved here two years ago. I might believe that if it was more like two weeks or even months. Two years just seems a bit much to have had no peace

“That’s great, honey, but you have to go and get your little brother, he’s getting too close to that guy.” My mother pointed to - well, I think it’s pretty obvious. She had pointed to the guy I was staring at. I blushed slightly but jogged over after grabbing my water bottle and manga.I know it suits because of the names BUT I don't think i would grab a manga to go fetch my little brother. Leaving this in doesn't matter I just found it a bit weird.
Hearing him laugh, I stopped and stared at the guy again. The thing I had seen him holding was another person; another guy. He had somewhat curly blond hair and brown eyes - he looked like a surfer. His head was resting against the other guy’s shoulder. They looked like a perfect couple, and probably were. My thoughts were confirmed a second later with a kiss. Blushing, I looked away and back at Brandon.


However, he didn’t. “My name is Miyako. So your name is Firefly? That seems to suit you. When I think of fireflies, I tend to think of autumn and in turn I think of all the leaves falling from trees. Your hair is the same red as those leaves. And your eyes are the green, too. Very pretty.” He smiled. Seems like he's awkwardly blurting out words. That or flirting with another guy right in front of his Boyfriend. I probably wouldn't change it because it draws a connection between the two but maybe keep an eye on this kind of thing later on. You could even break the chunk of dialogue up with reactions/thoughts from Hotaru, just so it doesn't feel so awkward to read.


“It does!” His eyes - turns out that they’re green - sparkled. And I have to say, they’re not just any normal green like mine. They’re that amazing cat-eye green. “Normally I have to explain it to people. Now that I think about it, it’s kind of strange that we both have Japanese names, isn’t it?” Here you're pointing out how obvious you as the author has made the connection between the two characters. You could probably get away with it if you didn't put it as an after though. Just get rid of the 'Now that I think about it' and it might be ok. =)


“I suppose it is. What was your mother and father’s reasoning for giving you a Japanese name? I feel like Miyako should answer and then ask the same question of Hotaru before Hotaru tells his story. What do you think? Mine was that they were only seventeen and were obsessed with anime and manga. I got the name Hotaru because they were reading manga together at a park late at night and fireflies were circling them. My mom was pregnant at the time. They took it as some kind of weird sign.”


As I watched Miyako and Jack hold hands while walking back to the entrance of the beach, I was slightly sad. After a few minutes I decided, since we still had a few minutes left at the beach,You use minutes twice in the one sentence. Change the first to 'a moment' and it should be all sweet. to go explore some caves. First I jogged over to where my twin - but in no way identical - sister was.


I'm quiet excited to keep reading this. PM me when you upload chapter two. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help and really this is only my opinion, inevitably what you think of your work is what matters so feel free to ignore what I say! :)

BeckFletch. xx
'The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, The more I will respect myself' - Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12208
Reviews 463
Hey Moonlight
I thought it was good. I liked the main character. I felt like he was realistic.
The only thing I can point out that the other reviewer hasn't, is that Sakura sounded really young for her age. It kind of seemed like you were trying to highlight their differences as twins, but I think you overshot it.
I would like a more indepth description of the cave, but some people don't write with a lot of description, so if you keep it the way you have it, it's fine.
That's all I've got. I enjoyed it thouroughly .
Megsug
Test




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3034
Reviews 34
Before I start, are your characters actually Japanese?
If no, despite the provided explanation of parents loving manga, it's not really believable.
No one gives their anglo children Japanese names, even Japanophiles, unless they're trying to be culturally insensitive. This would only be forgivable if it somehow tied into the plot. EX: Kids journey to Japan to find long lost relative, etc.
The fact that the other brother's name is Brandon just compounds the awkwardness.
I know the names are an integral part of the story to you by now and the opening dialogue, but the pointless bastardization of cultures only cheapens your work. If you want to overcome the teenage weeaboo label, you need to do one of two things.
1. Nix the Japanese aspect. I know this won't appeal to you, but just reading the intro, the crap (albeit pretty crap) about the names and constant mentioning of manga distracts from the otherwise nice writing and prevents the plot from blossoming and actually making sense.
2. Don't do it half-way. Note, this option will require intelligence, respect and a copious amount of research to be executed correctly. Make the characters Japanese. Change Brandon's name, perhaps mention in the beginning how they moved from Japan specifically and somehow infuse culture into the overall motif.
For example, if this is a coming of age story, religion, culture and family are often a big influence.
But like I said, you can't half-ass this. Unless you know about immigration and the struggles of Japanese Americans assimilating/preserving culture or just growing up away from "home" (I'm assuming the initial beach to which you refer is in Washington) this will be VERY difficult.

I'll post the actual review next. c:
I'm back!

"Breaking fixed idea!
Throw away the prejudice
that fish live in fish bowls only!"




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1863
Reviews 33
Sura wrote:Before I start, are your characters actually Japanese?

Hotaru is not but Miyako is part Japanese - technically. If you want to know the (brief version of the) story on that, you can read the spoiler I'm about to type up.
Spoiler
Miyako is a Were-panther who lives in a world called Shade. Now, Shade is a world that was created by one man - Aldridge. The world is filled with people from all different countries around the Earth. Some were born in Shade while others were not. Therefor, a lot of them have names that aren't in English... The reason I gave Hotaru a Japanese name is because it felt right. It's just how my story is gonna go, whether one person doesn't like it or not.


Sura wrote:If no, despite the provided explanation of parents loving manga, it's not really believable.
No one gives their anglo children Japanese names, even Japanophiles, unless they're trying to be culturally insensitive. This would only be forgivable if it somehow tied into the plot. EX: Kids journey to Japan to find long lost relative, etc.
The fact that the other brother's name is Brandon just compounds the awkwardness.

Not really believable? Well neither are dragons and unicorns! This is a fantasy for a reason. And Hotaru's parents weren't being insensitive at all... They were being unique. And yes, in a way, it does tie into the plot... And the reason that Brandon is named as he is? It's because his parents got older and more mature about their decisions. I'd be willing to change his name, but not Sakura's, Hotaru's, or Miyako's...

Sura wrote:I know the names are an integral part of the story to you by now

Considering that I've written 132 pages of this novel? Yeah, you'd be right about that...

Sura wrote:and the opening dialogue, but the pointless bastardization of cultures only cheapens your work. If you want to overcome the teenage weeaboo label, you need to do one of two things.

Really? That seems kind of harsh to call it "pointless bastardization". I'm not trying to offend anyone here - quite the contrary!

Sura wrote:1. Nix the Japanese aspect. I know this won't appeal to you, but just reading the intro, the crap (albeit pretty crap) about the names and constant mentioning of manga distracts from the otherwise nice writing and prevents the plot from blossoming and actually making sense.

Well, all I can really say is that I'm not trying to please everyone. If I was, my characters wouldn't be gay! There is that thing called a target audience...

Sura wrote:(I'm assuming the initial beach to which you refer is in Washington)

You're correct! :D

Now that all my - slightly frustrated - explaining is over with, I'd like to thank you for reviewing my work for me. :smt001

~ Moonlight
Come visit the ReviewIn'!
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic75873.html

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3034
Reviews 34
I just mean the explanation is not believable. You don't see kids being named after "Han Solo" just because the parents like Star Wars. (At least not enough it make it normal, and not a freak-show newsworthy case about pending child endangerment charges...)
And I don't mean to be rude, but from the outside a reader doesn't care too much about elaborate explanations, just that the names don't make sense. Aerith and Bob
Fantasy is fantasy, but fiction is not an excuse to be inconsistent and illogical.
I'm just giving you my advice, you can take it or leave it. c:

Overall:
I don't see many nitpicky grammar issues, although I noticed the main character breaks the fourth wall once or twice.
While it can add voice and charm you have to make sure it isn't just you (the author) slipping into colloquial speech, which is a very bad habit. The description could be more vivid, concerning all senses, just to immerse the reader more.
But the voice is good, and I wasn't bored. The drabble between the sisters gets tenuous in the cave, as the temperament and joking nature of the conversation has been established. It's really unnecessary for them to keep going back and forth with trite and predictable comebacks.

One thing I noticed off the bat:
"...noticed that he was carrying something on his back, but I didn’t know what it was with the ocean spray surrounding him."
The second clause is redundant, so I would simplify it to something like:
"...noticed that he was carrying something on his back, but I couldn't see through the ocean spray."

Being more effective and precise in your language will help in all areas of writing. : D
I'm back!

"Breaking fixed idea!
Throw away the prejudice
that fish live in fish bowls only!"



We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer