Young Writers Society

School. Among the worst times of days. But then there's the morning, when I think about all the stupid things to do today, and night, where I wonder why I did all the stupid things I did that day.

"Watch where your going!" Someone shouted to me. It was a boy, small, with a wiry frame. I grabbed him by the neck and pinned him up against the hallway's wall.

"What did you say to me?!" I demanded.

"N-Nothing!" He screamed. I dropped him, walking forward. No one liked me- he was probably a stupid 9th grade kid. They needed to be taught to obey even us Juniors. Everyone else went out of their way to avoid me. Good. That's how I like it.

I slouched my backpack on my other shoulder, bored. I made sure my notepad was in there- yup. I would kill for that notepad; my story/book was in there. That's my pride and joy. I passed a bathroom, and looked at the mirror. With silver hair that reached my ears, even though I was a boy, and sparkling green eyes, I was probably a mystery to anyone who looked at me. Thick lips, a few pimples. Not the best in the bunch- but still a good catch for a girl. But, no, ever since that incident with Mindy, no one liked me.

"Hello. I'm Maxim." A girl said to me. I gave her a death glare, before walking away.

"Wait! Where are you going?" The psychotic kid asked, rushing back towards me.

'Are you new or something?" I asked. "You do not want to be seen around me, else I'll rub off on you. Scram. Go away." I commanded. She shrugged.

"I don't care. We can be friends." She pestered.

"What is your problem?" I demanded to her.

"You looked lonely."

"And?"

"I thought we could be friends... 'cause I'm lonely, too."

"Just stay away from me." I ordered, backing her against a hall wall.

She didn't even flinch.

"Why don't you like me?" She asked. She seemed so serene.

"It's not you. It's everyone at thus ruddy school!" I cried out. Some people turned to look.

Saved by the bell.

"We'd better get to class." She said. "I hope we see each other soon!" she exclaimed. I looked at her in disgust and walked away.

Math class was disgusting. I loathe math. More then school. It's just... ugh.

"Well, my class, we have a new student. What's your name?" The boring teacher drawled. The only thing that bade me look at him was the HUGE wart on his lip. I glanced up- No. No. NO. It can't be.

"Maxim Vrak." I stared at her - her purple, plastic glasses that complimented her wide, sea-foam eyes. red-brown hair that bounced at her shoulders, but not in curls. Little dimples thin lips, and a small nose. No pimples anywhere. One word- Adorable. Not hot or sexy, just adorable. Like a baby, or a puppy. Someone who could either be a fling for a jock or the perfect someone for a nerd- never really serious about relationships.

"Find a seat. Now today, we're discussing the Pythagorean Theory." he said. Maxim looked down the rows. God, there is an empty seat next to me. She's looking at me. She's coming closer.

"Isn't this a coincidence?" She asked, plopping next to me. God, I just wanted to pull her hair so hard until she screamed-

"Liyam! Eyes on the board!" He hissed. Oh, how he loved calling me out. I looked up at the board. A Squared + B Squared = C Squared. Big deal. Like I would use this as an author! I looked over at Maxim.

"Liyam? I like the name." She whispered. I shrugged.

"It's original. If I were you, I'd watch out for Joshua. He loves his pranks on the new kids." I didn't know why I was being so friendly towards this girl. She just seemed to be... nice, I guess. I cracked my knuckles. "I'll see what I can do, though." She giggled.

"Thanks- I think." I nodded. No big deal- I was meaning to have a word with him, anyways.

"We should hang out." She said.

"One favor doesn't make us friends." I hissed.

"Liyam! Shut it!" The teacher cried.I snapped my mouth closed and looked up again.

"Sorry." She whispered. I shrugged.

"Whatever."

"And now, since it's Thursday, we'll be continuing on While at St.Johns, the movie we've been watching. Maxim, just... try to watch, I guess." He called out.

"While at St.Johns." I mumbled. "It's such a corny romance movie. I don't even know why we're watching it. It has nothing to do with math."

"Probably so the class doesn't get bored." Maxim whispered back.

"Still."

"I can't do this, Bill."

"Why not? We are together. We will not have a moment like this, Katie." The rusty old VCR spat.

"Yea, you're right." Maxim whispered quickly. "This is stupid." I snorted.

"Told you so."

We suffered in silence, Maxim keeping a respectful distance form me while she watched. I shuffled away from her chair, my entire desk moving with me. With one piercing glare from Mr.Teacher, I scooted back.

The bell shocked everyone out of their engrossed silence. The room was in an uproar before a single person left.

"Hey, Liyam? I'll see you around." Maxim yelped, leaving the room. Like always, I was last out. But I quickly caught up to Joshua.

"Listen. You keep your ruddy little fingers off of Maxim, you hear?" I demanded, slamming him against a wall lined with kid's lockers; he cowered. I saw people watching from the corner of my eye. "That means no superglue to the chair, no tickling- not even a whoopee cushion. You'll listen to me-" I grabbed him by the neck and held him against the lockers. "If you know what's good for you." I dropped him as he nodded helplessly.

I could swear I saw Maxim run as I turned.

Other than a few spelling errors, I don't see anything else wrong that I can comment on. I'll wait for the next chapter!

MilkNCookies,

I like the beginning of this and I'd like to see where it goes... I found a few errors here and there which I've listed below with what you can do to fix them.

"Watch where your going!" Someone shouted to me.

It should be: "Watch where you're going!" someone shouted to (possibly at) me. After sentences and you write who said what, if you're saying "he" or something of that nature then it should remain without a capital letter. Also, if what the person says ends with a period, you should change it to a comma if you're doing that. For example: "No, I'm not gay," he said. I noticed this quite a bit in your writing. Which reminds me! Your is possessive while you're is a contraction of you are, just to let you know. =]

"What is your problem?" I demanded to her.

I believe this should be: I demanded of her.

"It's not you. It's everyone at thus ruddy school!"

Just a small spelling error, not a big deal. But the "thus" should really be "this".

The only thing that bade me look at him was the HUGE wart on his lip.

For starters, it should be made and not bade. Next, you really want to use italics instead of capitalizing things in your writing. It adds pretty much the same amount of emphasis.

I can't wait to see where this goes!

Hope I helped!

~ Moonlight

Hey! I'm back to reveiw agian! Ok, I think this is good for a story build up, a good introduction. But not as epic as the prologe. But that's ok. Your just getting yourself started. Walk before run, right?? Any ways, just a few nitpicks, then we shall get tot he stuff you want to hear:

First, this paragraph is confusing:

I slouched my backpack on my other shoulder, bored. I made sure my notepad was in there- yup. I would kill for that notepad; my story/book was in there. That's my pride and joy. I passed a bathroom, and looked at the mirror. With silver hair that reached my ears, even though I was a boy, and sparkling green eyes, I was probably a mystery to anyone who looked at me. Thick lips, a few pimples. Not the best in the bunch- but still a good catch for a girl. But, no, ever since that incident with Mindy, no one liked me.

"Hello. I'm Maxim." A girl said to me. I gave her a death glare, before walking away.

The thing is, it's like your character is in several places at once. One moment he's in a hallway, and the way you said ' passed a bathroom' and not ' went into a bathroom' makes it feel like they didn't go in there at all, but magicly see in the mirror, and with out saying ' I exited the bathroom' or something, he is agian, magicly in the hallway, or the girl is invadeing the boys' bathroom.

Next theres this sentance:

"It's not you. It's everyone at thus ruddy school!" I cried out. Some people turned to look.

Saved by the bell.

I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, because I mess up in my grammer and spelling with everyother word, ( curse of being from Rural New England, I guess) But I think the 'thus' is to be this.

Also, I understand that the bell rang, but the fact you didn't say could be comfusing at first reading.

So that's it for the bad news. Good news: I loved this! It really is incredable, and I can't wait to learn more about Maxim. So update soon! You have amazing talent!

Keep on writing!
-Ruth

Hey MC, I'm here to review!

I already read your prologue and I really like the concept. Story-wise, I think you've got the potential for a great novel that a lot of writers can relate to and enjoy.

Now, for the writing -- you've got some grammatical/punctuation/spelling errors, but with a little bit of fixing up, it'll be much easier to read. I'd like you to take a look at this link on dialogue punctuation; I noticed you capitalize a lot of letters that shouldn't be, or put some commas and periods in the wrong places. In that link, Demeter does a great job of explaining how the dialogue should look.

"Watch where your going!"

"Your" should be "you're." If you're ever not sure which spelling to use, just plug "you are" in place of it and see if it makes sense; if it does (like in "You are a good writer"), then you know to use "you're"; if it doesn't (like in "You are writing is really good") then you know to use "your."

No one liked me- he was probably a stupid 9th grade kid.

Spell out "ninth". Any number under 100 has to be written out in words.

I would kill for that notepad; my story/book was in there.

I'd choose one or the other instead of having both; it just sounds far too indecisive and casual to have a "could be this or that" type of attitude.

I passed a bathroom, and looked at the mirror.

Um...was this bathroom door open, then? Seems a bit odd that he could just pass by and conveniently catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

"Hello. I'm Maxim." A girl said to me. I gave her a death glare, before walking away.

I'm losing a visual here. At first, I thought he was lingering around a bathroom or something; now this girl's talking to him. Was she in the bathroom (ew, he's hanging around a girl's bathroom!) or was she coming up from behind? Let's have a little more description of the setting so I can have something to picture.

More then school.

"Than." You usually use "than" when you're comparing something (math to school, in this case).

I didn't know why I was being so friendly towards this girl. She just seemed to be... nice, I guess.

Um yeah, I don't know why either. What made him have such a change of heart? At first he was annoyed by her, then he wanted to avoid her when she came into the room, and now he's suddenly giving her tips and helping her out. It's very inconsistent without a good explanation, and just because she was "nice" isn't a very strong one.

With one piercing glare from Mr.Teacher, I scooted back.

Sounds a bit juvenile to say it like that. Even if he doesn't respect the teacher enough to bother mentioning his name, it still sounds like something a young boy would say, not a high schooler.

Okay, so that's all I've got to say! Keep up the good work. Cheers! (:

Hey there Cookies! Thanks for the request! I'm here to review this for you. ^^

Firstly, I'm not really going to do a whole lot of nitpicks but I will point out a few things that I noticed throughout your piece and things that I think you should pay more attention to later on or when/if you decide to revise this. So, without further ado, let's begin...

Now, starting with your introduction I noticed this:

when I think about all the stupid things to do today, and night, where I wonder why I did all the stupid things I did that day.

The way this is worded - it's incorrect. In fact, I'm quite confused on how to reword this sentence and that major problem comes from the fact that you've mixed your tenses in here. Remember to use just one tense while you're writing. Make it be either past or present. You can try future tense but that is soooo rare and I don't even think it's really done at all. So yeah, here are some examples:

Past tense: I woke up in the morning, thinking about all the stupid things that I would do today. Then at night, I wondered why I even did all those stupid things.

Present tense: I wake up in the morning thinking about all the stupid things that I plan on doing today. At night, I wonder why I even did all those stupid things.

As a heads up, Present tense is quite tricky to write in because of the reference to past events so I would recommend sticking to past tense.

Casting that aside, I think that your story is moving at a very fast pace. Slow down, girl and give us some juicy details! xD Tell me that he's in a classroom and remember to state the setting while you're writing because I wasn't sure where who was and why. It was like jumping scenes. For example, I noticed in the beginning that you had your protagonists shove a kid on to the wall and then suddenly he's sitting down in a classroom so um, whut? xD Just remember keen details of such things.

Also, I think you could have taken a little bit more time to give us more characteristics to this guy and the way he thinks. I want to know more about him but it seems like you cut us off pretty short in your descriptions. Talking about descriptions, I think you should add some more of them to brighten up your story and give it more life and more realism by explaining the actions and the characters thoughts. This way, we feel like what they're doing is believable and the readers can feel connected.

Well, overall I think you have a fairly good layout and with some more description and feeling this has potential. Keep writing and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. ^^

All the best,
-Pink

Dude. I am here, and a little late by the looks of it.

One of the first things I noticed upon reading this was the large amount of grammar mistakes. Most of those have been pointed out all ready though, so I don't think I'll go nit-pick all of them.

Just a few tips before I get onto the real review here:

1.) Your and you're. This was one mistake that I had noticed a few times upon reading this. You're shortens you are. (i.e. A kiss is one of those moments where you feel like you're [you are] elevated just slightly above everything else. Okay, it's a bad sentence and I know it, but I think it got the point across, yes? xD)
Your is possessive. (i.e. "This is your bag, isn't it?" Michael asked, pulling said bag from the shelf behind him.)
Did that make sense? O.o I hope so.

2.) Then and than. Then refers to a point in time, or a sequence. (i.e. I put down my pen and then picked up the cell phone from the coffee table. or "It was so different living back then," Nana said quietly, rocking uneasily in her chair.
Than is used for-- well, any other instance that 'than/then' is required in. Comparisons. (i.e. An apple is more red than and orange. or I can type faster than Edgar.

Anyways, I hope that made sense-- and I should actually start on the review now. xD Grammar lesson officially over! (Wow. I wasted a lot of should-have-been-review space there. o.o)

Now, the first chapter was pretty good. There was something about your character that made me think of him as a girl. Just the way his thoughts were voiced, I guess. Ever since the prologue, I had assumed that Liyam was a chick. I'm not quite sure how you would fix this, though, as I have the same problem half of the time.

Also, he's starting to come off as a bit of a Gary-Sue. Well, I suppose that he's not quite there yet, but he's treading pretty close to the line. I'd just keep a very close eye on that if I were you.

One other thing that bothered me about this chapter was how quickly Maxim took to Liyam, and then the huge shift of moods that Liyam had towards Maxim. It just seemed a little unnatural that she would automatically trust him, and he her. Sure, sitting next to each other and a few friendly comments isn't all that bad, but Liyam is seeming a little quick to protect Maxim. Especially considering they've only known each other for what? Twenty minutes or so? I would draw out the trust levels and willingness to befriend one another (Especially since Liyam is so anti-social) out a little longer than a chapter.

Otherwise, I still quite like the concept of this whole thing, and I really want you to expand on it as much as possible. (Duh.) Like I said earlier, be careful with Liyam. He's a pretty cool character, but it would suck so much to see him start to move into Gary-Sue territory.

Thanks for the read, and I can't wait till the next chapter's up.

~~Cass

This is an okay chapter. I think you do way to much telling in this chapter - it's sort of an overload for my brain, try to put it in more gradually. Say, if the character is talking about that subject to someone, or is reminded of it from someone or something then tell. Not before.
Otherwise great job, I love Liyam's personality and Maxim's name is so cool! I liked Maxim right off the bat, she's awesome and brave to try and be Liyam's friend - go Maxim!!!

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hey MilkNCookies! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

Alright, there are a few bigger things going on in this chapter that I'd like to talk about. Your grammar and spelling and such is pretty good, not much to talk about there, but I do want to talk about dialogue punctuation and showing v telling. Both are pretty big things, but so easy to fix if you've got something going wrong with them.

Showing versus Telling

"Hello. I'm Maxim." A girl said to me. I gave her a death glare, before walking away.

Where did the girl come from?

This is an example of where showing is important. It gives the sense of setting a story needs to seem realistic. It makes characters three dimensional, rather than flat. And it's really easy to do. Something to think about is to represent all the five senses; sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Show what things look like, of course, and then it helps to make things even more realistic by including details of the other senses.

Telling can make a story seem dull and full of detail. When you just tell what happens, it's not as exciting as if you were to show what happens.Here is a great article that gives even more ways to show more, and avoid the trap of telling.

Dialogue Punctuation

"Watch where your going!" Someone shouted to me.

should be: "Watch where you're going! someone shouted to me.

"N-Nothing!" He screamed.

should be: "N-Nothing!" he screamed.

You see, when it comes to dialogue, there are a few really simple rules to follow with punctuation. But it's something a lot of people don't know about, myself included when I first started seriously writing. As a basic rule, never capitalize he/she/them/etc after dialogue. Unless it's a name, it doesn't need to be capitalized. Here is a great article about punctuating dialogue that you should check out. It lays everything out really well, and is actually the article that helped me learn how to puntuate dialogue. ^.^

Other than that, this was a really interesting read! The plot itself is looking good, and well on it's way. I like your characters, and their interactions with each other and the school day. Just work on the whole showing thing, and clean up the dialogue punctuation, and you'll be well on your way to a fantastic story. Great job, and keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-