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L'Hiver Approche (1/3)



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Sat Jan 29, 2011 11:56 pm
Jagged says...



Spoiler! :
One use of the f-word, so cover your sensitive eyes. Split in parts to spare you having to read what looks like is probably going to be 5k+ words when done in one sitting. Enjoy.


Jake brings him home. Says, “Mommy, I found an angel”, and you’re not paying attention, so you make a sound like a hum, say “How nice” and when Jake asks “Can he come in?” you nod, “Of course”.

It’s only when you turn around to rid him of his scarf and jacket that you realize there’s something there by his side; hunched-up wings and bright eyes all over, and shaped like a boy as seen through a thick lens through water, standing by your son like it wants to crawl under his skin to see how the world’s like from there. Like it’s terribly cold and only the warmth of a tiny beating heart can make better, like it could at any time take Jake in its arms and fly somewhere far, far away.

You scream, of course you do; and then it’s all instinctive “Get the fuck away from my son” and “I’m calling the police right now” and “Jake come here now!”. And you must look ridiculous like this, with your rumpled clothes and messy hair and tired face, and probably not that much of a threat at all, but it works—the thing there flinches back like you’ve just slapped it, and you’re not even halfway to it yet.

And you can’t get there—because Jake’s in the way, his arms crossed over his chest in that way he has when he’s being stubborn and protective of something. His face is red, and you’re not sure if it’s because of the cold or because he’s angry. “Leave him alone,” Jake says, eyes wary; “It’s okay mom, I promise.”

“It’s okay”, he repeats, and this time he’s not looking at you but turning his head to the side, towards that winged shape that still hovers behind him, trembling feathers and wide, wide eyes.

“It’s not okay”, you tell him, but you’ve stopped moving. They’re so close, and you can see now that if it came to it the thing would get to Jake faster than you yourself would, and you don’t know what would happen then.

You don’t want to try and see.

“What did you do to him?”, you ask the thing, and Jake scowls, mouth opening to say something, when there’s a little sound behind him.

You’ve never heard anything like that before; it’s somewhere between birdsong and the rumble of an avalanche and the ticking of a clock when all is dark. Or at least, that’s how you’ll describe it later, when you have time to think about it; right then all you know is that it’s not human. It’s terrifying.

It also makes colors swim in the spaces between the three of you, in a way that’s not natural at all. It’s like all of a sudden a little hazy cloud of purple’s made its way in your kitchen, fuzzy at the edges and streaked with jagged lines of sick yellow, like a strange curtain fell across the divide.

Inside your head, you’re kind of freaking out.

Meanwhile Jake looks at it, frowns, and taps his foot. Gives you a disapproving look. “You’re scaring him,” he says.

“I scared it?”

“He’s not an it,” Jake protests. “He’s an angel. His name’s Alan.”

Your heart does something funny at that. It’s been years. You thought you were over it by now, but apparently not. “Did you give it that name?”

Jake shakes his head, no. He’s still too close to the thing, and you don't dare move too quick. “Show her, Alan.”

The wings—the biggest pair, that lie high on the thing’s back—winch back, in a hushed rustle of cloth and feathers. Three of those alien eyes glow, though there is no new light that could have come to reflect itself in them.

Somehow, you do not recoil back. Possibly it has to do with the fact that at least now the pair of eyes that had been staring at you from the hollow of that almost-boy’s neck, under the clumsily-made knot of the scarf, has now closed shut.

In front of you purple shifts to a dark, dark green, while the yellow lightens to the shade of sunlight through summer leaves. You stare.

Jake nudges the thing. “Sound, remember? It’s freaky when you do it like this.”

It makes a little trilling noise. It sounds sheepish, if sheepishness could be conveyed through the sounds of wind rushing through grass-whistles and dragonflies in flight, and the strange music of it makes the colors shimmer like sunset on turtle shells.

Your eyes try to make sense of it. Your ears give up the fight, and roll along with it, and after some sensory acrobatics you force yourself not to follow, come up with Alan. Except with a couple more vowels, and some strange tilts to the sounds that you’re pretty sure are impossible to get right with human vocal chords.

“What the hell was that?”

No lie, you’re kind of hoping for “April’s fool” and “oh hey, you’re terribly, terribly drunk right now, so please ignore everything”, or even for someone with a camera to pop out of the living room and shout “GOT YOU”.

“Don’t swear in front of him,” Jake says. And then, like it’s obvious, “It’s just how he speaks.”

Behind him, the thing slowly blinks all of its eyes. It’s got a wing half-open, curving over Jake’s shoulders. The primaries brush against the high collar of his jacket, and hover just a breath away from the wild spikes of his hair.

You don’t know what to do.

“Jake,” you try, very softly, very warily. “We’re going to be late. Can you go up and see if Claire’s ready?”

He looks between you and his angel. “You’ll be nice to him?”

“I promise,” you lie, and he thinks about it before nodding.

“And don’t run up the stairs!” you remind him, automatically, before realizing that now it’s just you in the room with it. It hasn’t moved from where it was standing, just tilted its head in the direction Jake went, half of its eyes following the dull sound of his feet on the floorboards.

The rest of them are on you.

“I don’t know what you are, or what want with my son,” you say, and hope the trembling in your voice isn’t too clear “but I don’t want to see you get near him ever again.”

Around it the air takes on a pale pink shade, like roses that have forgotten what they should look like. It reads a bit like sorry, your eyes tell you, but mostly it reads like sad.

“Get out of my house,” you tell it, and it gives a slow nod, hesitant as though it is the first time it has ever had to make such a gesture.

Then there is a sound of great wings, though the ones it wears like a cloak only tremble and resonate with the sound, otherwise still and shut; then light flashes bright and burning, and when you can see again you are alone in the kitchen.

Jake’d left the door open when he’d come in. It’s closed now.

“Of course it had to be polite about it,” you grumble, and do not let yourself think too much about it.

“Ready to go, kids?” It sounds like a herd of elephants up there, so you guess it’s an ‘almost’. You should get changed too. Make a note to remember to buy flowers on the way, and maybe check the locks on the doors when you get back.

Through the glass panes in the door you can see the sky.

Something dark and metallic flies across, a soundless blur that does. You blink. It’s gone.

What the hell?

*

Claire very gently puts the white roses across the worn grey stone, and steps back. The winter sun catches in her hair, and plays over the zipper of Jake’s new jacket.

The headstone reads ALAN BAUER, 1975-2007. That’s it.

Back then he’d said “I don’t want anything else,” and that was the one time you couldn’t refuse him anything (except the sketchbook; it’d gone something like this:

“I’m dying. I want my sketchbook.”

“You’re also blind. No.”

“Beethoven was deaf. Didn't stop him from playing the piano.”

“And your point is?”

“You’re obstructing art itself!” Accusatory finger-pointing. “Barbarian!”

Eyeroll. “No sketchbook for you, Artist McArtsypants, and that’s final.”

“I demand you entertain me. Sing something.”

“Will that shut you up?” Nod. “Fine.”

He’d made a grab for it later, but you’d known to watch out for it. Dumb predictable perfectionist that he was—to let him scribble would be to let him realize completely, fully, that this was it, and you couldn’t let that happen. Not to him.).

But anyway. Alan’d always been a stubborn idiot. Tried to get her to promise to forget him, which is pretty much all there needs to be said on that subject.

Possibly the biannual visits to his grave are partly due to spite.

But mostly?

“I miss you, you idiot.”

Yeah, that. You wave the kids off to play around in the snow after the first couple minutes of fidgeting at your side, with the sole conditions of not stepping on graves and keeping the noise low. You almost envy the lightness of their laughter, the ease with which it rises in-between monuments to the dead.

“Jake brought something back home today. He’s a lot like you, keeps picking up strays. This one says his name’s the same as yours.”

The cold catches the breath out of your mouth. The breeze catches at the rose petals, and they rustle against the stone.

“I don’t know what it was. Jake says it’s an angel, but it had eyes like... like too many spiders, and wings like sparrows and falcons, and when it spoke it made the world change color.”

The stone’s cold. Your fingers might be colder still.

“All I know is—it doesn’t belong here.’

You breathe. Remember pink and summer-bright green, and the protective arch of wings.

“I’m afraid it’ll want to.”

Your sudden laughter skitters across the frozen puddle on the path, slips and tumbles like a startled animal.

“I’m not sure why I’m not more panicked about it right now. I think it reminds me of you. That’s dumb, isn’t it? I’m not calling the cops about the weird-ass alien thing that came home with my son, not because I’m worried they’ll think I’m crazy but because said weird-ass alien thing reminds me of my dead big brother.”

If you close your eyes you think you could almost see him, even after all this time. Leaning against the cypress that stands just by his grave, his hands in his pockets and his head tilted back, his eyes raised. Looking at you sideways, and smiling a crooked smile.

He still looks as young as he did before he died.

The wings are new though.

“Huh. Either you really are trying to tell me something, or I’ve gone completely mad.”

You’d like to think you’re still holding on to your sanity. Even if you’re apparently relying on a delusion your stupid sentimental mind came up with to make you feel better about not being freaked out enough. That leaves the first option. You’ve never been superstitious, but this is Alan, and he’d lived for that sort of things.

“Think I should give it a chance?”

Wait and see, whispers an echo of his voice (first one to say auditory hallucination gets thwacked, thank you very much) through the leaves, and then he leaves you alone. Again.

“Typical”, you smile, and pat the stone. Turn, and walk away to find the children.

They’re not far away. There’s a wide open space by the edge of the cemetery, unpunctuated by markers and crosses, and the kids are lying there, smiling through their scarves. They’re making snow angels.

It figures.
Last edited by Jagged on Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:07 am
borntobeawriter says...



Jagged - I'm speechless.

Well, not really because I don't think that would be possible for me *smiles*.

The detail and the imagery - époustouflant. Très bien fait.

I loved it. I could really picture the scene, the protectiveness in Alan's motions. I wasn't even put off a bit that this was in second person.

I don't have any nitpicks: I didn't notice, but maybe I was too into the chapter to notice. I'm sorry I don't have anything more profound to say, but I loved this. Simplement.

Tanya
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:57 am
Lavvie says...



Hi Jagped...Lavvi in to review.

I liked this. It was interesting and I rarely ever read something in second-person narrative. It was a nice break from the more commonly used narratives. However, second-person narrative is tough to pull off, especially in fiction. But I think you did a nice job with it :)

I found few spelling errors, which is always wonderful. Nonetheless, there were some problems with the dialogue punctuation.

“Mommy, I found an angel.”,


The comma after the quotation is not needed and the period before the quotation should be a comma. I suggest simply running through your dialogue and fixing up the minor things like that.

Overall, as I mentioned above, I found this was very refreshing from the other pieces (narrative). The imagery was just beautiful and I thought it was great with the second-person because you felt like you were actually seeing it. If you know what I mean XD

I'm looking forward to the other two parts :)

Lavvi


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Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:17 am
Lava says...



So, Jag. :D

I'm always astounded by what you put up. I like this, sort of dark and beautiful.

I've read one of your works in second person and your poetry too. But my head, doesn't really think the second person narrative is doing justice to your story. For me, it doesn't seem to give the effect. The rest of the story - dialogue, imagery, is very good, but the second person narrative throws me off track everytime I'm reminded of it.

Besides that, this is beautiful Waiting for the next parts.

Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:25 pm
Kaitlin says...



This is absolutely gorgeous/stunning/beautiful, but if I went through and told you everything I liked about it, then this review would be longer than the story itself. So. Quickly, then:

1. Your description of the angel was the best part of this entire thing. I loved how you branched off from the traditional angel and went with the ones described in the Bible, kind of, but made it terrifying and vulnerable at the same time. Wasn't sure I believed its name is 'Alan' (just doesn't seem like an angel name!) but that's a mystery for parts 2 and 3!

2. I loved the use of second person in this particular story, except you slipped once when you were describing her with her brother:
He’d made a grab for it later, but you’d known to watch out for it. Dumb predictable perfectionist that he was—to let him scribble would be to let him realize completely, fully, that this was it, and she couldn’t let that happen. Not to him.).

I'm not sure if you slipped up anywhere else, but I don't think so--this was the only one I caught.

3. On that same note, I loved the dialogue between the brother and sister. I really hope there's more of it in 2 and 3, because I think it adds this melancholy note, that they had such a rapport and now he's gone. Brilliantly done.

4. Still kind of on the same note, I love the way your character speaks except for two things. First: if she's really a good, protective mom who wants to keep her kid from all harm, including angels, then I'm thinking there'd be no way she'd say "fuck" in front of her son. Everything else I'm willing to believe--hey, she's stressed! But unless that was a thought in her head, like she was thinking, "Stay the fuck away from my son!", I don't think she'd say that, no matter how alarmed she was. Not in front of her innocent kid. But that's just my experience with parents and their little kids.

And second: There's this scene, gorgeously constructed, where she's talking to her brother's grave, and she says:

“I don’t know what it was. Jake says it’s an angel, but it had eyes like too many spiders and wings like sparrows and falcons, and when it spoke it made the world change color.”


Now, this is a beautiful way of describing the angel, definitely, and if this had come up in a description I wouldn't have batted an eye. But your character is all, "You idiot" and "weird-ass alien thing" and really normal, typical human-speech. And this descriptive sentence seems out of place, because, really, I don't know a lot of people--normal, typical people--who talk like this. And the vibe I'm getting from your character is she's all normal, no dark past except for her dead brother, no habit of meeting angels or other holy deities--but I do love this sentence. So if there's any way for you to keep it in without making it dialogue, I'd recommend it. Otherwise, find a more believable way to describe the angel.

This was a brilliant story. Your dialogue and description and plot flowed incredibly--you're an amazing writer, but I hope you know that. I'm looking forward to part 2.

Thanks for sharing!
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:44 am
BondGirl007 says...



Jaggs can you just stop being so darn good already? Kthxbai.

Mkay so you really have great imagery, and description that creates a really fantastic picture in my head. Which is really what I look for when I'm reading. The one thing is I really had a hard time picturing Alan, and I'm still not quite sure what exactly he was? But I'm guessing you'll explain that later?

And you must look ridiculous like this, with your rumpled clothes and messy hair and tired face, and probably not that much of a threat at all, but it works—the thing there flinches back like you’ve just slapped it, and you’re not even halfway to it yet.
Love this bit, but the part in red I think needs to be reworded.

But besides those two little things, I really enjoyed this. It's really like nothing I've read before, and that's what I like about it, it's original. I think the second person narrative fits it perfectly, and I know how insanely hard it is to write in second person so mega kudos to you.

Anywho, great job love! <3

~Hope
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Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:21 pm
sargsauce says...



The opening paragraph is great. Hook line and sinker.

Present tense, second person narrative. You're tiptoeing a fine line between bold/daring and making me annoyed. For the most part, it works decently. I'll get to the parts where I disagreed with your choice of tense.

They’re so close, and you can see now that if it came to it the thing would get to Jake faster than you yourself would, and you don’t know what would happen then.

It feels like you have too many words and too few punctuation marks here. It's a headlong fall into a sentence that doesn't seem to end when it should. I think, maybe "...if it came to it, the thing would get to Jake faster than you, and you don't know..." would clean it up some.

“What did you do to him?”,

Remove comma. And I'm not sure what you're referring to. Was something wrong with Jake?

a little hazy cloud of purple’s made its way in your kitchen, fuzzy at the edges

The "fuzzy at the edges" is unnecessary, since that's how we imagine hazy clouds, anyway.

Inside your head, you’re kind of freaking out.

Ahaha. Great.

Three of those alien eyes glow, though there is no new light that could have come to reflect itself in them.

The "...though there is no new light...in them" is unnecessary. It crowds up the text. We understand what's going on from "those alien eyes glow."

Possibly it has to do with the fact that at least now the pair of eyes that had been staring at you from the hollow of that almost-boy’s neck, under the clumsily-made knot of the scarf, has now closed shut.

Something about that syntax is terribly awkward to navigate. I think there are just too many words and clauses. [Possibly] [it has to do with the fact that] [at least now] [the pair of eyes that had been staring] [under the scarf] [has shut]

You don’t know what to do.

This line is immediately followed by the mother knowing what to do. Just saying.

Jake’d left the door open when he’d come in.

Just say "Jake had," without the contraction. And the "when he'd come in" feels funny. I think you only need one past perfect here. "Jake had left the door open when he came in." Because then everything that follows the first "had" is supposed to be in past tense. The past perfect tense should usually rear its ugly head only when you're explicitly telling how one event existed in time relative to another event (usually the present). That is "I had eaten before now" or "He had left the door open before now." So to bury another "had" in "when he'd come in," is useless, because we have already established the time-relationship.
I don't know, it's complicated. Safest bet is to avoid unusual forms when you can.

What the hell.

Question mark, maybe? Just a statement of "What the hell" is like, "What the hell, let's give it a shot."

He’d made a grab for it later, but you’d known to watch out for it. Dumb predictable perfectionist that he was—to let him scribble would be to let him realize completely, fully, that this was it, and she couldn’t let that happen. Not to him.).

Like here. Using the past perfect tense was weird. Repeatedly using "had" makes reading clunky, when we already understand we're in a flashback. I would have preferred just "He made a grab for it later, but you knew to watch out for it."
Also, I think you could elaborate one more phrase on the "this was it." Like "...this was it, [he had lost everything or some such thing]..." Because without it, it takes a little inferring and rereading to figure out what you meant.

But anyway. Alan’d always been a stubborn idiot.

You're always contracting the "[noun] had." It sounds weird. Imagine if you had to read this out loud to someone. It would sound like: "But anyway. Aland always been a stubborn idiot."

...weird-ass alien thing reminds me of my dead big brother.”

It took way too long for us to learn that they're siblings. I had already set in my mind that Alan was her husband and father of Jake. Especially because of the preceding line that went like this: "[Jake is] a lot like you, keeps picking up strays" Such things usually infer that father-son relationship.

You’d like to think you’re still holding on to your sanity. Even if you’re apparently relying on a delusion your stupid sentimental mind came up with to make you feel better about not being freaked out enough. That leaves the first option.

There are no options. It essentially reads: "She wants to think she's sane, even if she needs delusions. That leaves the first option."

Wait and see, whispers an echo of his voice through the leaves, and then he leaves you alone.

The ghost whisper through the trees telling someone to have faith feels a little trite.

But I really must commend the voice of the story--it's fantastic. The descriptions of the angel that keep popping up like little, lovely jewels. I'm just looking for a little more clarity (in syntax and story) and straight-forwardness, I guess. Some sentences need more rhythm to them--punctuation, if you will--instead of rolling on and on.

I'm looking forward to the next bit!
  





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Mon Feb 14, 2011 5:16 pm
MeanMrMustard says...



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