Young Writers Society

I noticed a few spelling errors. At first, you had 'al' rather than 'all'. Later on, you put 'alright'. The proper form is 'all right'. Otherwise, the story was curious enough and I'm interested, even if things jumped around a bit. I'm interested because of the mystery, which brings me to my second point:

This seems like something that should be a novel--because it just stops, leaving the reader with questions (questions drive us readers crazy). So, yes.

That's about all.

I hope you think about continuing, but if not--good luck with writing in general.

Hey There! I'm here to review for you as requested!
Your first paragraph is your hook. You need to make that interesting. At the moment, there is repetiotion of words such as 'watching' that meddles with the flow. The flow of a piece is really important, the words should just roll of your tongue. I would suggest looking for adjectives.

“Do you really think they would serve you guys?” Florence practically scoffed, annoyed at the lot of them.

Hold up, you said she was twenty six. Why wouldn't they serve them? They're not underage.

She decided to walk slower to find a note on the floor. Looking around, she picked it up and analysed the singly word written on it:
“Codra”.

Why did she pick it up? Why did she put it in her pocket? People see pieces of paper on the floor all the time. It doesn't make sense to me.

Quickly, she put the note in her pocket before hurrying back to her friends.

Overall

Well, the nitpicks above give you a general idea of what needs to be fixed, but further proof reading will also be required.
I love your MC's name and the dialogue between your characters was pretty strong too. Those were the good things.

When it comes to you actually talking about Florence's surrounding and the way she feels, I feel like that could be improved. At the moment she seems a bit flat. I feel like she needs to be further developed, and you need to breathe some life into her and make her unique. She's a bit of a cliche right now.

Also, I would consider revising it for inconsistencies, I pointed out one, if they're 26 they can obviously get into a pub and be served, so that part didn't make sense to me. Other than that, I feel that it's much too early to say what really is going to happen from now on or how the story will develop so I can't comment on plot. Work on your first chapter though! I bet this could be a really good story with some more work!

Keep Writing

Hey there, Tam darling. Here to review on request. Hope I can be of any help.

But they were the ones who brought the beer.

I like her statement here, and even the situation. But if it had been me writing this, I might have gone for a bolder expression. SO just to make it bolder, make it interrogative. When she asks herself, it might seem to the readers like she is it might seem she is confident. I am not sure if I am making sense to you, but it's just my personal opinion.

Her mother thought she wasn’t normal, and sent her to a therapist but only had one session with the therapist because he genuinely thought she wanted to clear her mind.

“Do you really think they would serve you guys?” Florence practically scoffed, annoyed at the lot of them

. Whoa, I loved how you used the word 'scoffed' here.

“Sir...Sir, are you alright?” She asked him. He threw his arms around her

As for the first paragraph. Okay, fine, the start plot wise is quite intriguing. I do like the situation here. A girl stuck in with her drunk friends. But it was just the way you introduced it to us that didn't seem to catch my interests. Seriously, the scene was good story-wise, but I could have done with more of how the friends behaved. Like they were drunk, so mostly people who are high do things which are funny, or maybe something out of ordinary. Out here, you had a lot of options to start with. They could have been looking at the star, singing weird songs, in even weirder voices. You need to stretch out your imagination on this point. It would have been fun to read about that . Personally, I do enjoy reading about things like these, and I thought the whole chapter lacked soul because you didn't bring important things like these across to us. I am trying to give you out an example on how you could have gone by doing this:

Charlie swayed like a wind, balancing the beer bottle on his nose, while a croaky sound made its way out his throat. Florence clenched her fist tight, forming a heart-like shape, and tried to cool herself down.

It's not the best example, but that's how I would have loved to read. Bring in some of your descriptions.

The next thing I would like to bring forward would be her friends. You mentioned about two. But never did we get to know more than their names. As I said earlier, if you bring in some description or how they were reacting, then it would also lead to our knowing your characters better. They might not be the core of your novel, but when we're having a scene wherein we have her friends in an important scene, we might turn curious to know a bit about them. So maybe, not how they look might come here but how their personalities are like. For me, that is important. So don't forget that. Next thing-I just felt that you could have added more to this chapter. Like how these guys walked to the pub, what all they were talking. I also felt that you were trying to wrap this up quite quickly. Your end seemed rushed. Generally, you might wanna show us something on how the pub looks from the exterior. It would be better if you do that. It was like she met him, and they went. No more emotions in between, or any action. First time, when he held her, you should have added in how startled she was. But you didn't. But you did pick up later, so it was good, but you can try it to make it better.

Also, how the man looked? I'd love to know if he's some white haired oldie or a young man. How he sat there? Whether he cried all this while, etc. It would be a pleasure to know more about him, about Florence. But I must say that you don't ever fail to surprise me with your writing considering your age. You do put up a good piece. Next thing-she had planned to go inside with her friends and see them drink, then why did she walk back? What happened? Or if she was too disturbed by the event, then you should show her emotions changing. Or else, this might end up unrealistic. Why was she thinking of Dean? Maybe about Ruth or the person he thought she was. I wouldn't be thinking about who Dean was, when I knew who he was, but maybe I might give a thought to why he was in such a weird condition, and why he was there. All that stuff. Maybe what Codra meant. But not who he was.

Overall, you did a good job, but it can be a tons time better. I have seen your work, and this is not the best. DOnt be in a hurry to finish it.

Hope this helps,
Shrubbery

Inbetweener wrote:Chapter One

Florence sat on the park bench watching her drunken friends make fools out of themselves. It’s not like anyone else saw them- due to the fact that it was 1 am and all the sane people had gone to sleep. She thought about leaving, but felt guilty leaving her friends there You don't need there seeing as she was the one who brought them there.
But they were the ones who brought the beer.
Florence, as a child, would never get bored because whenever she did run out of things to do she would sit down and just do nothing and she could do this for hours and hours. He mother thought she wasn’t normal, and sent her to a therapist but only had one session with the therapist because he genuinely thought she wanted to clear her mind.
Now, as a twenty-six year old, she still had that ability and would mostly go to the park and sit on a bench to connect with her surroundings. Unfortunately, her friends decided to follow her to the park and there she was, sober with drunken friends.
“Hey, you want to go to the pub?” Vicky asked-who only had one drink.
“Do you really think they would serve you guys?” Florence practically scoffed, annoyed at the lot of them.
“All right, all right. We can go to the pub and you can go home, Florence.” Charlie said to her, smiling the whole time.
“Y’know what? I’ll go to the pub with you, and I won’t drink, because I’ll probably have to drive the lot of you home!” Florence shouted, heading down the road. “Well, come on then.” The rest of them followed her, making inside jokes to one another.
What is wrong with them? Oh, they make me so angry sometimes. Well, all will be forgotten by tomorrow, I suppose.
Every few steps she took, she looked back to check if her friends were alright. As they reached the pub they all ran in front of her to get in first. She decided to walk slower to find a note on the floor Instead of that sentence I would say she walked slowly behind then, when she spotted a note on the ground. Looking around, she picked it up and analysed the singly word written on it,
“Codra”.
Quickly, she put the note in her pocket before hurrying back to her friend. If the note is important you should add something to show the imprtance of the note to her.
She walked up the steps as they gestured for her to come in before entering themselves. Just as she was about to enter, a drunken man scampered out; falling all over the place???? Falling all over the place, or falling on the floor. Florence quickly came to his aid, and sat him down on the steps.
“Sir...Sir, are you alright?” She asked him as he threw his arms around her
“Grace...You came back!” He cried, drooling all over the place. You said all over the place twice. It gets too repetitive.
“Umm...I think you’re mistaken,” she replied, getting up.
“Oh, don’t go!” He begged, getting on his hands and knees.
“I-I can’t, I’m sorry...”Florence reluctantly said, feeling terrible for the man.
“I never loved Ruth, I always loved you! All those years...I thought you were dead!”
“I’m truly sorry, but I must be leaving,” The frightened Florence replied.
“I’m Dean, don’t you remember me?” He asked.
“I don’t know who you are— Like I said before, you’re mistaken, now let go off me!” She screamed Too me, Florence sounds like a really nice person, not one too scream. I wouldn't say she screamed at him, but said frightented or irritated. at him. He sat back down and started to whimper.
Florence didn’t know what to do, and just decided to leg it all the way home. Her house wasn’t far at all I would add more saying Her house wasn't far at all, and it would only take ... minutes to get there. She started off into a fact stride but, as she got to the middle of the road she decided to slow down. Turning around, she saw the man still sitting there, and she heard him shouting,
“Why? Why me? What have I done to deserve this?”
What have I done to deserve this? This is why I don’t stay at places like these.
Florence couldn’t do anything This sentence seems unnecessary; as soon as she got home she went to bed immediately. She tried to clear her mind, like she sued to do so effectively before— But it now seemed that it all had gone to waste. Everything she thought of reminded her of the incident. The same question ran through her mind all night:
Who was Dean?

Tammy,

This was REALLY suspenseful and so far the story line is GREAT . The changes I would make if I were you would be the ones that I mentioned above. Also I have a quick say about the characters. If I were you I would add some physical description of Florence, and the drunk man seeing that they seemed to be major characters in the story. I also couldn't really see Florence's drunk friends, as her friends. I wouldn't think that my friends would follow me at 1 AM, and just get drunk while I sat there. Do you seem what I mean. Other than those things, once again the storyline is amazing and I can't wait to read what happens. If you need another review, just ask in my thread =]. Hope I could help.


-lilgreendots <3

I think this was pretty good. I would say, if this is going to be your entire first chapter, you should have more of a dialouge between your main character and the girl who only had one drink, to develop the personality of your main character. Otherwise,it was very good!

Hey weener. I'm laughing now. I'm sorry. That name just came to me. Forgiven? Cool.
Thanks for requesting by the way. I know my thread didn't look too dead but trust me, it was.
I haven't reviewed your work for a while have I? I thought so.
Anyway, enough babble. On to the review.

RED for mistakes.

Inbetweener wrote:
Florence sat on the park bench watching her drunken friends make fools outI think the out stands on it's on too much here. It flows better with just 'fools of' of themselves. It’s not like anyone else saw them- due to the fact that it was 1 am and all the sane people had gone to sleep. She thought about leaving,No comma. but felt guilty leaving her friends there seeing as she was the one whowho had brought them... brought them there.
But they were the ones who brought the beer.
Florence, as a child, would never get bored because whenever she did run out of things to do she would sit down and just do nothing and she could do this for hours and hours. He mother thought she wasn’t normal,No comma. and sent her to a therapist but only had one session with the therapist because he genuinely thought she wanted to clear her mind.
Now, as a twenty-six year old, she still had that ability and would mostly go to the park and sit on a bench to connect with her surroundings. Unfortunately, her friends decided to follow herFollow her? I second ago you said you brought them here. Change the follow. to the park and there she was, sober with drunken friends.
“Hey, you want to go to the pub?” Vicky asked-who only had one drink.
“Do you really think they would serve you guys?” Florence practically scoffed, annoyed at the lot of them.
“All right, all right. We can go to the pub and you can go home, Florence.” Charlie said to her, smiling the whole time.
“Y’know what? I’ll go to the pub with you, and I won’t drink, because I’ll probably have to drive the lot of you home!” Florence shouted, heading down the road. “Well, come on then.” The rest of them followed her, making inside jokes to one another.
What is wrong with them? Oh, they make me so angry sometimes. Well, all will be forgotten by tomorrow, I suppose.
Every few steps she took, she looked back to check if her friends were alright. As they reached the pub they all ran in front of her to get in first. She decided to walk slower to find a note on the floor. Looking around, she picked it up and analysed the singly wordAhem! Singly word? I'm preety sure there is no such word. It should be single word written on it,
“Codra”.
Quickly, she put the note in her pocket before hurrying back to her friend.Shouldn't this be friends? Plural?
She walked up the steps as they gestured for her to come in before entering themselves. Just as she was about to enter, a drunken man scampered out; falling all over the place. Florence quickly came to his aid, and sat him down on the steps.
“Sir...Sir, are you alright?” She asked him he threw his arms around her
“Grace...You came back!” He cried, drooling all over the place.
“Umm...I think you’re mistaken,” she replied, getting up.
“Oh, don’t go!” He begged, getting on his hands and knees.
“I-I can’t, I’m sorry...”Florence reluctantly said, feeling terrible for the man.
“I never loved Ruth, I always loved you! All those years...I thought you were dead!”
“I’m truly sorry,No comma. but I must be leavingI must be going,” The frightened Florence replied.
“I’m Dean, don’t you remember me?” He asked.
“I don’t know who you are— Like I said before, you’re mistaken, now let go off me!” She screamed at him. He sat back down and started to whimper.
Florence didn’t know what to do,No comma!! and just decided to leg it all the way home. Her house wasn’t far at all, as she got to the middle of the road she decided to slow down. Turning around, she saw the man still sitting there, and she heard him shouting,
“Why? Why me? What have I done to deserve this?”
What have I done to deserve this? This is why I don’t stay at places like these.
Florence couldn’t do anything; as soon as she got home she went to bed immediately. She tried to clear her mind, like she suedSued? I think tried would fit better. to do so effectively before— But it now seemed that it all had gone to waste. Everything she thought of reminded her of the incident. The same question ran through her mind all night:
Who was Dean?

Ok. Well about the grammar. You didn't spell loads of words wrong or anything but you had a good few typo's and your word choice was strange in places. I can't really help in this area but I think a good run over it should help. You misplaced a lot of comma's. I think, like me, that your finger might just automatically skate over the comma key? Am I right? Well, I'm like that too. It's a hard habit to break but I thinking by reading it over and pausing whenever you see a comma; ask yourself, Does it feel right to pause here? It's hard but it should help. Editing is one of the most important things to do in writing. Always check over your work, it makes all the difference.

Your plot:
In general the plot was good. You weren't too fast paced or slow for that matter which kept us interested. You had a lovely opening that drew us in and made us what to know more. By using the word 'drunken' it really emphasizes the situation the MC was in. It let's us know that she's obviously been in the same situation a good couple of times before, not meaning that she's comfortable with it, just that she's used to it. You got that across quite well. After that, your writing felt a little...crammed. Loads of words were jostled together in weird places and the plot kind of went off track. I mean that note that said Codra? The ending was so abrupt. She suddenly found a note and then we never hear anything about it again. I know it will probably come up in the next chapter or so but you defiantly need to add in at least some suspicion or your going to lose some interest.

Your detail/description:
Overall your description wasn't bad. I can't say you didn't put any in because you did use some nice vocabulary but for me...there wasn't enough. I know that sometimes too much makes the peice too long and too boring but in your case, I think more detial wouldn't hurt. Some paragraphs were cut short that could have been at least another 2 lines long. Sometimes what I do is have another tab open with a dictionary/thesauras open and I type in words like nice, to see if I can widen my vocab too. It makes you look really impressive trust me and it improves your writing.

Ok that's really all I have. You have a couple of routes you could go down with this story so I think it has potential. Keep working on it. Remember: No matter how could the peice, nothing is perfect and there's always room for improvement!

Keep writing and good luck!
Kagi xx