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Snow- chapter 2



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Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:15 pm
LadySpark says...



Here is chapter 2, I know its short, but I can't decide whats going to happen to make it twisty XD
____

Chapter II:

The cool midnight breeze blew across my face, making my hair dance. As a curl flashed past, I caught it, examining my hair for the umpteenth time. I could not know if I was pretty, having never seen another girl my age, but my Tutor says I am. My hair is as black as a midnight sky, and falls down to my knees, curling at the bottoms when it’s not in a braid. My skin is a pale as the light side of the moon and my eyes a deep violet. But here, in the castle it does not matter. I could wear rags and no one would care. I stepped back, away from the patio, where just two hours ago, my Tutor and I read Greek mythology. Greek mythology fascinates me, the way Zeus and Poseidon are always arguing, the beautiful Aphrodite and then the strong Athena. I love to; after my Tutor is gone, sing songs to the baby birds in the tree outside my window about the Greek gods and their crazy beliefs. My room is dark and cool from the breeze that is blowing around, lifting my night-shift above my knees. I walk to my four-poster bed, pulling the blue curtains back and turning up my bed. As I begin to braid my long hair on-top of my head for sleep, a knock comes to my door.
“Snow,” a rough voice, the voice of my step-mother issued from behind the oak paneled door.
“Coming,” I say, turning away from my wash basin, dropping the pins into the bowl.
I opened the door, letting my step-mother in.
She sweeps in without a hello, her long purple cloak slithering across the ground. The silk makes a sound on the stone floor like a snake. She turns to me, her black skirt billowing in the breeze. Her black hair, brittle from too many dying’s, is swept up into a pile on-top of her head. Her eyes are smeared with purple make-up and creams that make her naturally tan skin deathly pale.
“Hello Mother,” I say cordially, going back to my wash stand and continuing to pin up my hair.
She ignores me, examining my room with her eagle eye. “You’re going on a trip with Hugo tomorrow. Pack.” she left the room, her cloak still slithering like a snake over the stone flaggs.
I hurried to close the door behind her and then sank onto my bed. A trip! How many times had I wished for such a thing, an escape from this dreary dark castle? And now it was coming true? Something in that didn’t ring true to me, and I stood up, walking to the window and climbing through, sitting on the branch that scraped against the glass.
I knew deep down that my Mother was an evil person. I had always known it. But she had treated me well enough so why should I think her any harm? I liked Hugo well enough; he hunted and cooked for us, and often went into the village past the wood to buy cloth for new dresses for Mother and me.
I wondered what my tutor would do without me, and the thought of not seeing him every day made my heart pound in my chest. My dear, dear tutor…
As my heart sank lower and lower, I found myself singing the song I had made up years ago about the cherry blossom grove.

“There once was a lad,
Who had a sweet gal,
And alllll he wanted was to make her happy,
But she had demands that couldn’t be met,
So he found himself a ship,
And sailed off to sea---.
She wept a river,
And cried an ocean.
And found herself,
A way away from here.
She cried an ocean,
Sitting among the cherry trees.
She sobbed a stream,
As the blossoms fell down in her hair.
She wept a river,
Wishing she could be,
Back with him,
Under the cherrryyyy treeeeeeeeeessssssss”

I had sang that song whenever I felt heart-sick. Like when I turned sixteen and my Mother dissolved my waiting maids. When I was seven and my Mother fired my governess. It always brought me comfort, knowing so where, so how, someone knows exactly how I feel.
The little baby birds, roused from their sleep by my familiar voice, began chirping quietly, urging me to sing them their lullaby. I laughed, stroking their feathers, as the beginning of the song, a hum rose in my throat.

A bird is the gift from the sky to the land.
A nest is a gift from the land to the bird.
A song is the gift from the bird to land.
A song---- is what we wish for in our dreams---.
And the bird gives us that,
Carrying on their wings.
And we know, our fairy godmothers are there,
Flying with the blue birds,
Under the blue sky.
And we know,
We’re not alone,
When the blue bird sings its song—

The end of the song came, the low hum I had begun with reverberating through the trees. I stroked the birds one more time, then climbed back through my window, one line from the lullaby sticking in my mind as I threw my best dresses in a carpet bag.
And we know, our fairy godmothers are there,
Flying with the blue birds,
Under the blue sky.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:48 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Pointe, I'm here for chapter two!

Okay, so I'm glad you're getting the story's plot already into motion; it's good to have impending action and adventure.

Something I noticed you do a lot is switch tenses, from past to present. Like this part, for example:
“Coming,” I say, turning away from my wash basin, dropping the pins into the bowl.
I opened the door, letting my step-mother in.


See how it changes from present tense (she is doing something) to past (she did something)? Keep an eye out for it; you need to stick with one tense and fix up the inconsistencies.

“Snow,” a rough voice, the voice of my step-mother issued from behind the oak paneled door.


Sounds a bit awkward; you could reword to something like, " 'Snow.' My stepmother's rough voice issued from behind the door." Also, I hope you notice that I put a period after what she says and capitalize the next word (My) because you don't actually have a dialogue tag like "my stepmother said."

Her black hair, brittle from too many dying’s, is swept up into a pile on-top of her head.


It's "dyeing," and I'd suggest switching the wording around to something like "brittle from being dyed so many times before."

I had sang that song whenever I felt heart-sick.


This is written incorrectly; there are two ways you could word this: "I had sung," or "I sang". Generally, the form of a verb with a "u" is the one you couple with the version of "had" (like "I had drunk some," or "I have swung higher").

Like when I turned sixteen and my Mother dissolved my waiting maids.


Perhaps "dismissed"? "Dissolved" makes me think of pills in water or something.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Please PM me when you post the next chapter, and keep up the good work! Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:39 am
Piper says...



I have decided to comment on all of Snow. This one is really good too, but it seems shorter. I like the way she's not concieded, and I love greek mythology so much, I would totally sing about to birds. I also like the say she's not ditzy like Disney snow white. She has substance. I also like how she's not concieded. Snow white totally has the potential to be a narcissistic brat. I really look forward to reading more, I love this story so far, and I want to read more.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland
  





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Sun Jan 23, 2011 2:11 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Pointe,

Ok, I read the preface and first chapter. I want to comment on the preface, first. I totally agree with RH about it being superfluous and you could integrate it into the story. I found it point(haha)less. She says that her father marries a witch, and because we all know the fairy tale, we know she is. But you have to assume your readers don't know. Also, she says the step-mother is horrid, but you switch from calling her step-mother, to mother, as if suddenly, she was alright with calling her that. I believe that is it alright to call her mother, when she speaking to her directly, which is what happened in this chapter.

Now, on with the real review. I really liked the descriptions dispersed throughout these chapters you've written. The feet on the warm stone and so on. I would like for you to add more where the tutor is involved, because I get the impression that she doesn't like him, that she is bored with him, but in this chapter, she seems upset that she will leave him. Doesn't she wonder why he won't be there with her? Doesn't she wonder why suddenly now she's allowed out of the castle? These things should come to mind. Maybe cut out the song lyrics (which are beautiful, but are they necessary?) and add more thought to give her even more substance.

Well, that was it. I like it so far. Keep up the great work!

Tanya
  








#longlivebigbrother
— alliyah