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Into Thin Air - Chapter One (REVISED VERSION AS OF 4/1/11)



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Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:10 pm
fearlessalways13 says...



Chapter One


I open the creaking door of the shack delicately, as if not to disturb what sits inside. I always enter this way, standing tip-toed in my satin shoes and grasping the wood with light fingers. It is like interrupting an important conversation between the King and one of his many subjects – terrifying, yet very exciting.

Morning sun streams through the cracked wood, glinting off the dank windowpanes and into my eyes. With a quickened heartbeat and a look around, just to confirm no one has followed me, I push on the door. It swings open, revealing to me the treasure, my treasure. It never gets less beautiful.

Just as I take in its full wonder, a branch snaps outside. I turn at the noise, sweat slicking my cooled neck in fear. No one, not one person, can see me here, doing this. Paranoia sweeps over me like a low-flying bird, and before I can even check to see if a follower has seen, I slam the door shut and bolt through the woods. I run, run nearly as fast as I did the night Mom died, back to the place where I belong.

I hate that place. The castle's stone walls are cold, and the paintings that line the hallways are hard-faced. Living there my entire life has not done anything to make the place more familiar, more comfortable. Walking in the front doors brings an anxious line to my lips, a cautious crease to my brow. Haunting memories linger there, and they always will, I am sure.

The castle's looming towers pierce the spring sky before me as I exit the forest, still running. I allow myself to slow to a jogging pace, and strain my ears for any noise other than the pounding in my chest. Nothing. With my luck, it probably was just a branch snapping, nothing more. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. The castle stands in its awful magnificence in front of me, and I cross the evenly cut grass lawn to the side door.

As I enter the kitchen, a stout woman with brown hair tied in a bun is making something that smells sweet and salty. It is Phale, one of the housemaids I've grown to love. It may seem strange that someone of royal heir like I should converse and even befriend the servants of her household, but I really am not a normal person of royalty. Not at all. At this thought, my mind flashes quickly to my treasure in the shack, then zips back to the present as Phale turns around. Her plump reddened cheeks fold into two cheery dimples.

“Miss Corynne, so lovely to see you awake. Though, I did not see you come down earlier.”

“Nice to see you also, Phale. Yes, I went through the parlor hall. I apologize if I alarmed you.”

“Not in the least, miss! You have been outside often in the recent weeks, and I figured so. But you must be starved!”
As if cued by the maid's words, my stomach gurgles softly. My cheeks redden like hers, but Phale does not seem to notice. She turns back around to the sizzling pan in front of her.

“Sausages are on, dear, and buns are cooling. You will also be pleased to know that the wild blackberries have ripened enough for picking, and are chilling as we speak. Shall I serve them with breakfast?”

A grin draws itself from my mouth as the thought of juicy blackberries enters my senses. I nod, a bit too enthusiastically.

“Yes, please, Phale. You know how I love them!”

She chuckles, dimples taking their rightful place once again.

“That I do, miss, that I do. Now, I laid out today's attire for you. Not to worry, it is nothing overly fancy; the blue one with lace trim, and buttons down the spine. Do you know it?”

Before I can respond, Phale keeps chattering. This is a habit of hers. So many of my questions remain unanswered, but I find it funny.

She turns again to face me.

“Yes, well, no complaining if it itches or anything of the sort. You know your father likes for you to dress properly, and I do too, if I may say so. He is the king, after all, and the ambassador of Fogsmoore is arriving on his visit today, as you may be aware.”

Without even trying, I scowl like a punished child.

“Now now, I know he is a bit – well, odd, I suppose,” says Phale in a quiet, cautious tone.

“Oh yes, just a bit,” I respond sarcastically, prying a hot bun from the cooling pan. Phale swats at my hand playfully.
“Your casual fashions just will not do for his visit, though I know you loathe me for saying it.”

“I do not loathe you, Phale! How could I? You're on of my only friends in this place,” I say. “I just do not...” I search for the word. “...enjoy the company of the ambassador. You know why, I know you do. So there is no use hiding it from me.” I bite into the hot roll in my hands and give her a smirk.

“Miss Corynne, I have no idea what you speak of,” she responds nonchalantly. But I keep my eyes on her, the grin still lying on my lips, and she turns around with two stubby fingers pinching her nose. The other hand swishes in the air around it.

“I knew you knew!” I say through laughter. The ambassador has a silent reputation of smelling like an awful cross between body odor and stale bread.

“Knew what? Like I said, miss, I do not know what you mean. Now get! My sausages will burn, and your father is coming for breakfast at exactly 10 o'clock. Wren is waiting in your bed chamber to assist you with readying yourself, and you have only twenty minutes until breakfast. Go on!”

I pop the last bite of the bun into my mouth, thank Phale, and head out of the kitchen with a smile remaining on my face.

Wren, Phale's accompanying housewife, helps me wash and dress myself for the day. I like Wren nearly as much as Phale – both have always been far more than servants to me. Breakfast is delicious, as it is each day, and my father, King Darren, is rigid and terse as always. I even spit the word father in my thoughts – it just is not at all fitting for the man. I often times call him King instead. Since Mom's death, at least.

The ambassador arrives, smelly and cold. He and the King converse as I sit uncomfortably in a chair across from them. Wren stands straight as a needle in the corner of the room, a tea tray in her hands, waiting for the appropriate moment to interrupt.

My thoughts are on nothing but the shack, my treasure. Had someone discovered my whereabouts earlier? It could not have been Phale nor Wren, because they were tidying and cooking for the morning. It could have been nearly anyone else, though. Or, hopefully, just a squirrel snapping a twig. Nevertheless, I want to get back to it. I need to --

“And you, Corynne, turning sixteen in, what is it now, a month? Two months?” a nasally voice questions.

I snap back to reality at the mention of my name. Ambassador Grimmel looks at me curiously, and the King's eyes are cool and stern.

“Uh, err, yes sir. Forty-seven days, sir.”

“Ah, look who is counting. How do you feel about that? Excited to be merely Corynne no longer? Looking forward to being called Princess Corynne, I am sure?”

“Yes, sir, looking very much forward to the change,” I respond convincingly with a tight smile. I look to Wren, who gives me a small nod as if to say, “Right answer.”

The ambassador sends a small smile my way, then returns to his conversation with the King about foreign trade. I curtsy and excuse myself “just for a moment,” I say, and stride into the parlor hallway. Before exiting the door, I notice a warning look from Wren, but do not have time to respond. Once in the hall, I do a quick sweep to make sure no one has noticed, and slip quietly out the door to the awaiting shack.

I keep a steady pace until I reach where the riverbed dips into solid earth. The water bubbles softly, echoing through the empty castle yard. Sneaking a final glance behind me to ensure no eyes see, I clench my dress in my palms and jump across the stones to the other side of the river, to my favorite place in the world.

Upon reaching the shack, I allow myself to catch the breath that comes only in spurts. I enjoy running; I find it exhilarating. It frees me as I free my crimson hair from its ribbon. This time, no twigs snap, and I enter the shack with quiet anticipation.

And there it is. It sits contently on the old, creaky floor, illuminated by the sun's gold light. It basks in its warmth, looking as though it has just woken from a long nap. I smile to myself – I created this. My treasure is the one thing that lets me escape my life, the one thing that makes me feel normal and happy and alive. My treasure is a hot air balloon.

I stroke my fingers lightly across the frayed fabrics of the balloon, each color muted from sunlight. Some areas are more faded than others, because the sun hits them more often, but I find the imperfection inspiring.

If only my life were like the balloon, patched and handmade with love, taken care of by someone, free to fly as I please. Where, though I am taken care of by housemaids and cooks and servants who care about my well-being and wardrobe, I do not have anyone who loves me unconditionally. I do not have anyone who I can talk to about anything, tell stories with, except Ryland – but Ryland is gone now. I force myself to stay out of that realm of thinking as a deep, sad longing overcomes me, but I cannot help looking to the corner of the shack.

Ryland's vase sits there. We made it together, he and I, a few days before he had to leave. That was six months ago, when the war was just beginning to get out of hand on our end.

Our country, The Realm, had two allying countries, Swiftland and Strindom, turn against us just when we needed them. King Darren was desperate, and made the cowardly decision to deploy all young men aged fourteen through forty who were physically capable of the task. Ryland, a muscular boy due to his work in the cornfields all day, was up to par for battle. However, though he tried to put on a strong face for me, I knew he was terrified.

We were best friends, he and I. And whenever I look at our vase, a determined thought comes to my mind, no matter how many times I try to shoo it away. It is nearly impossible, I know. Nearly. But I am strong enough to make it happen. The words echo in my mind every day, the ones he said to me the day before he left.[/i]I will survive, Cory. And when I come back,on your birthday, we'll run away, you and me. Forever. [/i]

I had nodded, tears flooding my emerald eyes. It was the worst day of my life, and one of the only things I remember is a heartbeat, pulsating faster than I had ever felt before. It had fear in it, fear of not seeing your best friend ever again. The heartbeat was not mine. It was Ryland's.

My birthday is forty-seven days from today. I sit in the shack, still staring longingly at Ryland's vase, my eyes going slowly back and forth between it and the hot air balloon. An idea comes upon me, a nearly impossible, probably absurd idea. Nearly. Probably. I shoo it away, but it enters again, forcing its way into my brain. What if Ryland does not return?
Last edited by fearlessalways13 on Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:25 pm, edited 6 times in total.
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid;
it's being terrified, but you jump anyway."
~Taylor Swift

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Love.Love.Love.<3
  





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Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:07 pm
IcyFlame says...



This storyline looks really interesting and I loe the way she speaks exactly like a stereotypical princess. I got confused at certain points but this usually happens at the beginning of a book, thats why it's fun!
I hope you keep writing as you've ceratinly got a talent for it.
  





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Tue Jan 18, 2011 11:36 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Hi!
Wow, this is really good!
I adore your wonderful way of writing, very creative and beautiful.
I cannot wait to read the rest!
I really enjoyed it, thanks for posting it!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:57 am
ThePenIsMyWeapon says...



I loved your story! I liked the way you discribed the general day of the princess, also added some foreshadowing factors as you did so. I loved how you went far into your discriptions, and expressing her thoughts openly. I am very anxious to read more of your tale. Please update soon! :) -Ruth
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:27 pm
fearlessalways13 says...



Thank you all for your flattering comments! Chapter 2 will be up soon, promise. (: In the meantime, check out my short story, "The Boy and His Moon" if you'd like. Thanks again!
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid;
it's being terrified, but you jump anyway."
~Taylor Swift

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Love.Love.Love.<3
  





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Mon Feb 14, 2011 12:14 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Hey, thought I'd return your favor of reading my novel for reading yours! And so far, I like it. :D

I just have a few things to pick on you about, not really things for now as much as the future. The first is that, no matter what you're writing, even historical fiction, has to be relateable to people of today. You can do this really carefully in your tone and style, and also in characters. On that subject, I think you portray a princess really well; she's nice, but also a pretty proud of herself, maybe even a little vain. She talks very old-fashioned (is this historical fiction? I forgot to look, but I know certain countries still talk like this) for a younger girl, but I like that she's planning to run away. But remember that you want us to be able to relate to her, so give her quirks, depth, and character that we can understand. I think this could unfurl into something really cool.
Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
-StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Thu Feb 17, 2011 1:17 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey there, Fearless! *waves* I am reviewing this first since you haven't got much critiques and you can use some, and the great Azila has already reviewed your short story, so that can be put up for a while.

Spoiler! :
I hear Phale singing in the kitchen, so I open the door soundlessly to let her voice surround me.
Replace it with something else, because I didn't like it here. Maybe...slowly, careful not to make a voice. Or something else...


First of all, sorry to say, I didn't find your first paragraph interesting at all. To start with, first it lacked the pull we needed, and secondly, no one is really interested to be introduced with the princess's room in the beginning. The start was totally plain, and I didn't like to read it. Sorry if I were harsh, but I'd have loved for you to start from somewhere else. Also, narrating the story seems a bit weird. Many times you said 'from outside, my room.." which I think was a bit vague since all you can see from outside is a glimpse of the room(even if it's a castle's room), and the princess won't have it open twenty-four seven. But I'd like to tell you that the Destiny line was really good and maybe if you start your story with that, then it might sound better. Also, I'd like to point out that not only where you placed the first paragraph was not right for me, even the style in which you wrote that matter didn't make me intrigued. Mainly the work of the first paragraphs is to pull in your readers into your story, and if that's not possible, then I think the novel would take time to appease your readers.

My other suggestion would be that the song could have been explained a bit more. I think you did a good job, but if you could have added in more to the musical aspect of the song, then nothing would have been like it. What I mean by this is that it would have been wonderful if you could have told a bit about the tune, or if there's some music with which it best gels. I am saying all this because The Realm doesn't seem like any place I know, and even if it's your own creation we would come to know from this fact that how it is. Something like Victorian, French or which culture influences this land. It is not necessary that it's influenced from any other culture. So it would be fine. But that's just my suggestion-nothing sort of a comment.

My other point-and this is a comment, would be that don't you think that it sounded impractical that the princess was talking to her housemaids from her room. Aren't castles supposed to be big, so won't it be weird to talk from your room to the servants working down below in the kitchen. First, there would an echo and secondly a girl of such a big household, and especially a princess have been taught well just to shout from their rooms. You could maybe show that one of the help is out and is asking her to come, and then she could reply. The other thing is also connected with this only-it's then also not possible for her to hear the ladies singing. Until yes, the ladies are singing on top of their voice, which I don't think would be done by them, given that they are merely workers there, not the owners.

Now getting onto another point. I really thought that the whole story was good, but you know I still wanted to feel the princess feeling. By the behavior of her and everything else, she seemed pretty frustrated from her life, and I think that it is because of the responsibilities she has to fulfill, and that's making her queasy. I think you didn't go on much with all that, and still managed to explain a conflict to us. But now, my one thing would be that given her frustration she is bound to hate her life, but she didn't seem to me, as in a character, to be a princess. Just some girl next door. And I don't have a valid explanation for this. I think, if you had told us the food on the menu for both the King and the princess, then it might have been much better. I am saying this because mostly people in such kind of stories tend to bring up food a lot of time, which makes the story more interesting. It would again let us know a bit of the living conditions and the culture of the place. My next thing would be that even though the father was seated there, and although she did say about the rudeness in her father, I could not feel him being there. It was like you totally sidelined him. If you want an advice, I'd like to say that you can cut down a bit from somewhere else, if you really wanna cut something down, and make this scene important. It would let us know her relationship with her father-add some talks to there meal. I know talking while eating is bad, but just adjust something. Also, when she finishes her breakfast and goes, I thought her dad would have something to say and ask, so focus on that.

Last but the most important thing is that sorry but I found the schedule or what you can say the sequence of the entire story a bit clichéd. The story is still not much known to me, so I won't comment on that, but I find this typical that a person starts a story from where the MC wakes up, takes a bath, eats and then goes out somewhere. Isn't it something many stories have in common. So if I had been you, then maybe I might have shown her sneaking out to the balloon, forgetting all her worries and anguish, and then rushing back to her princess life. It's definitely not the best idea, but it's just an advice, and once you understand the problem, then you might be able to fix up and think of something yourself. Nit-picks aside, I would like to say that I have reviewed many newbies here and so far I've really loved your grammar and descriptions. It's neat and clean, and some places you had a wonderful imagery, but I'd suggest working more on it. Some words you used were quite flattering, and bravo for that. All in all, I liked your grammar, the way you kept it simple but still managed to show us the effect it has on your MC. So, good job!

Keep up the good work, and let me know when you next need a review.

~Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:27 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Hi! I'm back!
So I really really really enjoyed reading this!
I liked this one so much and I love the way you write, the vocab and the analogies you use and the way you can put just the right amount of detail in it! The only thing you didn't put much detail into were the rooms. If she is in a palace then you should describe the white and blue kitchen cupboards and the spices sitting around or in the dining room, with magnificent gold walls and the cherry dining table, how she can see her reflection in the silverware...etc.
But that is only a suggestion, you can use it if you want to but you have it nicely the way it is.
I always need someone to tell me my misspellings, though I am not very picky about spelling and grammer, but I did notice this one thing. And because it was in the introduction I would correct it.
In Paragraph 2:
glinting off the dank windowpanes
here maybe you should put glistening and dark instead of glinting and dank.
I adore the way you write and I am very jealous of it. I love your vocab and every sentence is like inhaling the crisp air in Spring right after it rained and the flowers just began to bloom.
You did an amazing job and I will soon review the second chapter.
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  








It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire