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Tainted-Prologue



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Wed Jan 05, 2011 4:43 am
ElementalBlood says...



This starts a few years before the story takes place. To all those starting and wishing to continue reading, Katrina's (Kenyon) use of language gets extremely colourful by Chapter 1. To all those who hate vampires, don't read this. Vampires play a central role in the story. To all those who love Twilight style vampires, don't read this. I prefer my vamp's bloodthirsty, allergic to sunlight and slightly insane. Not stalker insane but certainly a little crazy.


Prologue


I stood in front of Dan’s desk as he read my file. The black leather of my jacket creaked and nervousness crept in as I wondered whether or not I would be accepted. Most applicants are recent high school graduates who choose to believe the rumors about the secret wing of the government. I only found out about it myself by stumbling upon a case involving the murder of a family made to look accidental. A car crash caused by a drunk driver.

In the streetlight’s glow, I could see that the Tracer on one of the Shade Shifters team faintly picked up my signature and broke out in hives. The Shifters found me staring at the scene from the top of a tree. Don’t ask what I was doing up there, it would probably leave you with nightmares. Two different teams, I could tell. The way they seemed to stand apart from one another indicated that they’d much rather not be sharing the same space. I watched as they searched everywhere to find the source of their companion’s reaction.

They caught sight of me when I shifted my foot to better balance myself. I rested too much weight on a weak part of the branch. I felt it snap before I registered the loud cracking. Everyone on the ground had glanced up at where I was. A few had primal hunger twitching the muscles in their faces.

I barely had time to react before I had felt cold metal on the back of my head. I didn’t move and had followed the man’s instructions as I slowly descended from the tree.

I hadn’t felt like having a hole in my skull.

Dan had been called to the scene to decide what to do with me.

He took one look at me and asked, “You feel like joining up with the Shade Shifters?”

I don’t know why he asked me, but here I was, watching him read my application form with a critical eye. He looked up at me over the top of his thin framed glasses and spoke suddenly. “So, Kenyon, you think you’d be cut out for this job? To have to hide from society what you really do for a living?”

“I’m sure I am. I already do. I’m used to it.”

Dan took a moment to close my file and set it down neatly on his wooden desk. “Ah yes. A half vampire roaming about in society unchecked would scare most normal people enough that they would never leave their homes unless it was in a casket.” He paused for a moment, pondering a question. “Do you still drink blood?”

“I don’t need it to survive, but it helps keep my head clear.”

“Well then, we’ll add another order to the blood bank as to keep our new employee happy. I’ll set you up with Pread. Maybe he’ll give you one of his new guns. I think he calls them Vipers. They’re supposed to be the most powerful-”

I butted in, “I got the job?”

He blinked once and kept speaking. “… Guns he’s ever produced. Yes, you have the job. As you said, there isn’t much else you can do with your heritage being the way it is.”

I would have smiled if I thought my face might not crack. “Thanks Dan, but I have one more question for you before I begin my career as a Shifter.”

He blinked again, only this time he seemed surprised. “What could an eighty-one year old half vamp need to ask? Don’t answer that, but whatever it is, I can deliver.”

“Will I work alone or in a team?”

His mouth looked like an O. I was pretty sure he had never considered that option. “That’s up to you. Do you want to start a new team, in which case I’ll need a name for it and I’ll call you when rookies show up, or do you want to be a soloist like Rick?”

I considered both. Rick was a loner already. He had never liked working with anyone. He barely even wanted to talk to anyone. If I was going to be isolated from mainstream society already, I was going to do it with others. “I’ll take the team option. Solo work is a little edgy for me.”

Dan pulled out a sheet of paper with a small table on it. “Since the other teams have already decided not to take anymore rookies in, not that you’re inexperienced, you’ll be making your own team. Name?”

“Essance.”
Last edited by ElementalBlood on Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:05 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:36 am
Kafkaescence says...



ElementalBlood wrote:
Prologue


I stood in front of Dan’s desk as he read my file. The black leather of my jacket creaked and nervousness crept in Nice. as I wondered whether or not I would be accepted. Most applicants are recent high school graduates who choose to believe the rumors about the secret wing of the government. I only found out about it myself by stumbling upon a case involving the murder of a family made to look accidental. A car crash by a drunk driver.
The Tracer on one of the Shade Shifters team faintly picked up my signature and broke out in hives. The Shifters found me staring at the scene from the top of a tree. Don’t ask what I was doing up there, I would end the sentence here.it would probably leave you with nightmares. Two different teams, I could tell. I know now one Do you mean no one? was Rick, the only soloist in the whole department, and the other was Façade. Dan had been called to the scene to decide what to do with me.
He took one look at me and asked, “You feel like joining up with the Shade Shifters?”
I don’t know why he asked me, but here I was, watching him read my application form with a critical eye. He looked up at me over the top of his thin framed glasses and spoke suddenly. “So, Kenyon, you think you’d be cut out for this job? To have to hide from society what you really do for a living?”
“I’m sure I am. There isn’t much else I can do I would say "(comma) me being who I am" instead with my heritage being the way it is.”
Dan took a moment to close my file and set it down neatly on his wooden desk. “Ah yes. A half vampire roaming about in society unchecked would scare most normal people enough soCut out "so." that they ...would...never leftleave their homes unless it was in a casket. Do you need blood as a method of survival; do you need it at all?I would rework this last sentence.
“I don’t need it to survive, but it helps keep my head clear.”
“Well then, we’ll add another order to the blood bank as to keep our new employee happy. I’ll set you up with Pread. Maybe he’ll give you one of his new guns. I think he calls them Vipers. They’re supposed to be the most powerful-”
I butted in, “I got the job?”
He blinked once I can totally picture this.and kept speaking. “… Guns he’s ever produced. Yes, you have the job. As you said, there isn’t much else you can do with your heritage being the way it is.”
I almost jumped for joyTry using a different expression of happiness; "jump for joy" sounds out of place. right then but reconsidered. “Thanks Dan, but I have one more question for you before I begin my career as a Shifter.”
He blinked again, only this time he seemed surprised. “What could an eighty-one year old half vamp need to ask? Don’t answer that, but whatever it is, I can deliver.”
“Will I work alone or in a team?”
His mouth looked like an O. I was pretty sure he had never considered that option. “That’s up to you. Do you want to start a new team, in which case I’ll need a name for it and I’ll call you when rookies show up, or do you want to be a soloist like Rick?”
I considered both. Rick was a loner already. He had never liked working with anyone. He barely even wanted to talk to anyone. If I was going to be isolated from mainstream society already, I was going to do it with others. “I’ll take the team option. Solo work is a little edgy for me.”
Dan pulled out a sheet of paper with a small table on it. “Since the other teams have already decided not to take anymore rookies in, not that you’re inexperienced, you’ll be making your own team. Name?”
“Essance.” Unless this is really what you mean, the word "essence" is spelled with an E.


You did a fabulous job on this selection. I can especially visualize the conversation with Dan. Beautifully crafted.

One small quibble: The part about Kenyon in the tree I found a bit difficult to see. Perhaps you could expand on this a little?

Good luck, and welcome to YWS.
#TNT

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Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:40 am
EAThomas says...



Let’s start out with this: I don’t like vampires. They are a big turn off for me. I’m not just talking about Twilight vampires I’m talking about Dracula level vampires. I’m also willing to say that Stephanie Meyer (as bad as she is), is a better writer than Bram Stoker (my way of saying I’ve read them both). I don’t like vampires, your character being a half-vampire doesn’t kill it for me, but it’s really not my thing.

Now a few quick things to make this easier to read: 1) turn off the italics. I don’t care if that’s how it goes in the book it’s really hard to read on the forum. 2) Break up this gigantic paragraph into real paragraphs. The way you have it set up is annoying in such a way that I almost stopped reading half way through.

Next thing, I’ve basically been told that only on very rare occasion does anyone need a prologue. The thing is that this doesn’t seem like a prologue, it seems like the first part of chapter one. So here’s what I suggest: stop calling it a prologue and just attach it to the beginning of chapter 1.

Next, the story seems interesting. You have a good hook starting out, and caught my attention has a reader, but as soon as you get to the part about talking about how you discovered the group the pacing speeds up like crazy. It’s confusing and very fast, meaning that the reader doesn’t have time to get any of it. You introduce a lot of people very quickly to the point that it’s basically impossible to get names. Slow down and describe people more.

I think the premise might be interesting: A half vampire joining a secret part of the government that does… well I didn’t get that part, but what I did get sounded like it could be interesting. Unfortunately I would have stopped reading before I finished the prologue as it is. Now, again, I read vampire and was tempted to hit the back button, so that doesn’t mean that much coming from me, but the pacing was really too fast. My best advice is to modify your post so it’s more reader friendly and then put more words into this. It needs more explanation and a better pacing.
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Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:14 pm
tinkembell says...



Sounded good, like EAThomas said i think you need to take off the italics and break it up into paragraphs, other than that it was interesting and i'd love to read more :)
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Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:49 am
ElementalBlood says...



I only used italics because it takes place a while before the actual story begins. As for the "prologue" part of it, i was struggling with what to call it for a while. Originally it was part of Chapter 1 but as that chapter begins with a dream sequence where I use italics to differentiate between her thoughts and the actions going on around her I thought it would be confusing.

This was my novel for NaNoWriMo last year. I've only just started the editing process for it recently. Along with the giant paragraph bit, I didn't realize the spacing would look like that after pasting it onto the page. Sorry if this made it difficult to read. :/

(And yes, I spelled "Essance" like that on purpose. I was going to allude to it's odd spelling later.)
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.
  





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Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:51 pm
Phaix says...



This was good, I enjoyed it :) I am always a fan of kick-ass vamps, and Kenyon definitely seems like the kick-ass type. There is, however, a few problems with pacing, but this has already been picked up by a previous review so I will not labour the point. Also, as you will have probably gathered from my previous reviews, I am big on setting descriptions. I felt like it was all a little loose and skeletal, and could do with a bit more descriptive bulk. Focus on her position in the tree, and then maybe the setting for her meeting with Dan. Was it meant to take place in an office? I sort of got myself a bit lost!

I was also a little confused as to how she ended up speaking with Dan. (I also suggest that you rename this character to something a little more covert and exciting, rather than just a short first name.) She was in a tree, and then someone was behind her, and then she was talking to some dude about secret government sects? Just take your time! I know how it is with NaNo novels, but it's just a tip for future editing :)

The dialogue is really good, it all felt very natural and worked well. Well done! I am going to take a look at the following chapters, I'm looking forward to seeing what shinanigans Kenyon gets into!

Good job!
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