Young Writers Society

My name is Clara Stevenson. On April 14, 2001 I crashed into this nameless lake. Somehow, I dragged myself out of the wrecked plane and swam to shore. I am alone. My legs are broken. Since I cannot see how to survive here, my only hope is to write what's happened, so that someday, someone will remember me.

Today I drank the last drops of water from mud at the bottom of a puddle. It wasn't enough.

Waves lap the shoreline behind me. Water. I would give anything to dip my face in it, let it run down my throat... I must get there, even if I have to drag myself on my stomach.
______________________

I lost consciousness pulling myself to the lake, and only feet from the water. It might as well be miles. I tell myself it is better this way, with less suffering. I will die in half a week without water. But oh, how my throat aches! My tongue is swollen and cottony between my cracked lips. My hands shake and I can't hold the pen. I won't write again.
______________________

The sky is light again. I am still alive. This morning I dragged myself, through the pain, to water. And it was good. No, it was the best thing I've ever done. My entire body is alive with moisture.

My legs hurt. I think they're getting worse. Tiny movements send excruciating bolts of pain spiraling through my body. I lie, drenched in sweat, huddled uncomfortably on my side, but not daring to move away from the water.

There isn't much paper left. Won't last me long.
_____________________

Another daybreak. I can hear the birds singing. The bugs buzzing. My neck and face are covered in mosquito bites. First, I ignored them. Then they were welcome distractions. Now they are driving me insane. They crawl over my hands, my arms, my face. Every time I try to flick them off, the pain knocks me down. Now I only move when thirst becomes unbearable.

My hand clenches the small coin I found in my pocket, and I take comfort in the familiar shape. The coin, paper, and an empty, reeking sandwich bag: My only possessions. Turning the coin, I watch it reflect the light, and try not to think about the bag. But I do anyway.

I'm in the shining, clean kitchen, humming as I lay a piece of bologna on the bread, and...

And I am hungry. Hungrier than I have ever been in my life. I've missed meals. Gone all day, even. But it has never, ever, been like this.

All day ants have crawled down my arms, while I wished I dared move enough to get them off. Their tiny black bodies taunt me. But even the tiny, rhythmic scratching of my pen sends spasms of pain down my legs.

Ants are edible. People in other countries eat them. I don't. But I am so hungry. Without thinking, I grabbed one, shoved it in my mouth and swallowed. It was sour and stuck to my tongue. Nearly retching, I grabbed another. And another. Soon I was tearing up the leaf mold with my hands. There were grubs too. I ate them, and still more ants, but it was not enough. I will never, ever be full.
______________________

The sun is sinking. The pain is a little better now, and for the first time I can think; not of my body, but of other people. If I can just stay alive for a few days, maybe...

I should know better. I know what these woods look like from the sky. There are millions of lakes, my plane is completely submerged, and I am invisible. I will not be found, even if I wait months.

Earlier, I forced myself to look, at my torn jeans, thighs muddy from when I dragged myself from the plane. At my legs, sticking out at the wrong angles.

Before I didn't want to die. Now, I would give anything not to die alone.

The sky looks dark with rain, so I'm sealing these pages in my empty sandwich bag to protect them.

----------------------------------

A golden lab bounded in front as two hikers trudged through the brush. The girl clutched at her father's hand, eyes unseeing as she turned her head to catch sounds and scents.

“You said it was close! I wanna go back to camp.”

“Oh, come on! We didn't come this far for nothing. I loved this lake as a kid.”

Breaking through the brush, he helped her over a fallen log into the open.

“Gosh, it's exactly how I remember it!” He slapped a mosquito, taking her arm again and guiding her towards the water. “The water is blue against the trees.”

She stumbled on the rocks, smiling as the light fell on her cheek.

“Should I call Sam?” The dog, after slurping noisily at the lake water, shook himself enthusiastically, spraying them with water.

“Ah! I thought you said he was trained already!” she winced, wiping her face.

“He is fully certified,” he answered testily. “Just needs more socialization.”

“He's eating something, I can hear it. Can't we leave now?”

“I guess so. I just wanted to see it.”

“Wait, Dad. What does he have?”

“Nothing—he's dug up someone's trash. Odd. Nobody comes up here.”

Moving forward, he pulled the plastic bag from the rocks, dusting off the clay.

“It's a.... letter, or something.” He opened it. The words had blurred in places, blue ink spreading and dissolving where years of rain had worked their way inside.

Slowly, he read it aloud. Silence fell on the woods around them, the bird song muted, the wind dying in the pines.

Finishing, he dropped his hands. “The rest is gone.” He looked around at the empty shore.

She nodded. “But she isn't alone. Because of us.”

I really liked this story!! I feel like scratching my arms when you talk about the ants... gross!! Still, I thought it was very skillfully written, and I love the twist at the end. Somehow, though, I think it belongs in Mystery Shortstories, with the was it was written, and what not...

Canis! Why didn't you tell me you'd posted something?! Well, I've found it and to show you how useless secrecy is, I shall proceed to rip it to shreds. With my bare hands! Muahaha.

*Ehem*

I wrote this letter so that someone, anyone, would know what happened to me, sometime, even if no one I knew was still alive.

These parenthetical comma interjections felt a little redundant. Not that they're saying the same thing, it just feels like a repetitive sentence structure. I would suggest changing it so that it only has one. In other words, either have the "someone, anyone," or have "me, sometime, even..." but not both. For example, either: "I wrote this letter so that someone, anyone, would know what happened to me, even if no one I knew was still alive." OR "I wrote this letter so that someone would know what happened to me, sometime, even if no one I knew was still alive." Yeah, I know it's nit-picky, but I'm allowed to have some fun with the first sentence, right? >.<

I didn't notice them at first, and then they were welcome distractions.

Maybe it's just me being daft, but when I first read this, I thought you were saying "I didn't notice them at first, and at that time they were welcome distractions," which (obviously) doesn't make sense. It wasn't until like the fourth time I read through the passage that I realized what you mean. Here's one suggestion--you could make it sort of list-ish, like so: "At first I didn't notice them. Then, they were welcome distractions." But, of course, it's completely up to you how (and even if) you change it.

I flick them of my hands, but every time I try to move, to rise, the pain knocks me out again.

Off?

The pain is making me dizzy just lying here—I can't make my eyes focus on the dirt in front of my eyes.

Need I say anything? ^.~

There was also an empty plastic bag, still reeking of my lunch.

Shouldn't this be in present tense?

Their tiny black bodies taunt me, but even the tiny, rhythmic motion of my pen sends spasms of pain down my legs.

I'm not sure if this repetition is intentional or not, but I actually think it's kind of nice...

I didn't realize what was happening until there it was.

Until where what was? :/ Again, it might just be me, but I've read over this bit several times and can't get it to make sense.

The second slapped at a mosquito.

The second what? I assume it's the second person, but which person is that? The second one to speak was the man (I assume he's Alice's dad?), but he was also the last one to speak before this line, so you could just say "he slapped at a mosquito," couldn't you?

“He is fully certified.” she answered testily.

That should be a comma after "certified."

Finally, he looked up and around.

This just sounds really awkward to me. Maybe try "Finally, he stood up and looked around," or something like that? "Up and around" makes me think of "up and away!" for some reason. >.<
-------------------------

Good news! Yes, this story is unpolished, and it will take some (maybe even quite a bit of) editing, but I don't think it's nearly as bad as you think it is. I see a lot of potential here. The writing in the first part was a little rough, but I actually think that's a good thing, considering the narrator's situation. Also, if I didn't already know about the required elements, I definitely wouldn't have noticed them--especially the coin and the sandwich (which makes sense). The seeing-eye dog trainer was a little iffy, but more about that later. ^.~ My favorite part about this piece is something that I can't quite put my finger on. It's the mood. You've always been good at the emotional aspects of setting a scene, but I think this piece is a particularly good example. I'm not sure what you do technically to achieve this, but I really felt Clara's frustration and loneliness and desperation (if not her pain) and when the people in the end found the plastic bag I got goosebumps.

Okay, gushing aside, this piece definitely does have room for improvement. One thing that I was a little confused about is the format of the first section. It's supposed to be a letter, right? From what I can tell, those words that I just read are supposed to be the same words as what Alice and her father (?) read on the paper in the plastic bag. If I'm right, then I think you might want to work on the tone of the letter. Firstly, I'm a little confused by the present tense. It's hard for me to imagine her, picking bugs off her own body and eating them... while writing a letter. This isn't a huge issue, (I can imagine being in her situation and writing in present tense about things that just happened to me) but it's something to think about. Secondly, there's the ending (of Clara's section). I think she's supposed to be dieing. But if you were dieing of hunger in the mud, in tremendous pain, would you bother writing an ellipses? That seemed a little strange to me.

I'm also not sure about her situation. If it was a plane crash, then why is she the only one? The only thing I can think of is that she was the pilot--but she seems a bit young. Or, of course, there's the possibility that there were other people on the plane but they all died. If that's the case, though, I would think she'd mention it. And to answer your question: yes, the first paragraph did feel a little... odd. But I think it's because you're trying too hard not to make it sound list-y. Maybe go ahead and make it very info-dumpy and direct. Something like: "My name is Clara Stevenson. I am seventeen years old. A plane crash stranded me here in 1987. I'm writing this because I want someone to know the last things that went through my head before I died." (And yes, I know I changed the sentiment a little bit in that suggestion. I did it because I'm confused about the whole "I want someone to remember me" thing. Wouldn't there be friends/relatives/loved ones back home who would remember her?) I'm also a little confused about a technical point: Clara says she's near a creek, but Alice and co are near a lake. I assume they're supposed to be in the same place, but I'm not sure.

Okay, here's another issue I had: this might be because you started realizing you were over the word limit, but the part with Alice feels a little... sparse. It's mostly dialogue. We're told that the lake is beautiful, but we aren't shown it. It's hard to tell which character is which and who is doing what. I also didn't get that it was a seeing-eye dog until I saw your note--I assumed it was just a pet. I think this is partially because the first part was so wordy and descriptive. I understand wanting to have there be a change of tone between the first part and the second part, but I still don't like it. >.<

I'm also confused about the end. The last line makes it seem like you're saying something really profound. It makes me feel like I should be having an "ah ha!" moment. But instead I just felt confused. Is there supposed to be some supernatural connection between Clara and Alice? Is the line about the lake shore being empty supposed to mean that there isn't a body, thus signifying that the whole thing is a hoax? I feel like maybe I'm supposed to have picked up on something which I didn't...

Anyway, enough rambling. I should make some suggestions. I realize that in order to "fix" pretty much all these things I've talked about, you would would have to make the piece longer, which isn't what you need to do. I'm not very good at fitting everything I want to say into a little amount of space (as demonstrated by this review, I think >.<) but I'll do my best to help you out here. For flash fiction I think you need to know what it is that you want to say with your piece, and put your energy in that thing. One thing. All the other things you want to say will have to be secondary. For example, it seems to me that the main purpose of this story is to portray the haunted, mysterious, creepy feeling. So maybe make the second part be a little less about Alice and the man's conversation and more about their emotion. Emphasize that they're walking over smooth stones, just like the ones on which (presumably) Clara died. Emphasize whatever it was you were trying to say with the last line. I still think you'll have a hard time fitting in the seeing-eye dog trainer, though... so maybe make Alice a blind woman with a new dog who is still being trained and make the man the trainer? It might add a nice level if Alice, who can't see, feels a connection of some sort to Clara even though she can't read her letter...

*ehem* ButI'llstopbeforeIstarttakingoveryourstory. *ehem*

I'm sorry about how rambly this review is, but I just feel like there are so many things to discuss/wonder about in this story! Please please feel free to write me an even more rambly PM or email or wall post if you feel like it. ^.^ I'll be happy to help you out as much as you need.

I definitely think you should enter this into the contest! With a little editing, I wouldn't be surprised at all if it got first.

I hope this helps somewhat.
a

Hi! Sorry I didn't tell you about this. I just felt sortof inspired after taling to you last night, and... voila! Anyway, that was a very, very helpful review and I agree with just about everything you're saying.

It's supposed to be a letter, right? From what I can tell, those words that I just read are supposed to be the same words as what Alice and her father (?) read on the paper in the plastic bag. If I'm right, then I think you might want to work on the tone of the letter. Firstly, I'm a little confused by the present tense. It's hard for me to imagine her, picking bugs off her own body and eating them... while writing a letter. This isn't a huge issue, (I can imagine being in her situation and writing in present tense about things that just happened to me) but it's something to think about. Secondly, there's the ending (of Clara's section). I think she's supposed to be dieing. But if you were dieing of hunger in the mud, in tremendous pain, would you bother writing an ellipses? That seemed a little strange to me.

Definitely agree with this. I got this idea thinking of another survival story I read a few years ago in which the MC had a sheaf of paper. I think she ended up using it for a fire, but anyway, I started thinking about, for all the stories of people rescued, lots have probably died, and what if someone left something behind? However, it is awkward to write about and I was having trouble imagining myself writing in that situation (I have trouble staying motivated as it is). Anyway, do you think it would be better in past tense, or would that ruin the immediacy?

I'm also not sure about her situation. If it was a plane crash, then why is she the only one? The only thing I can think of is that she was the pilot--but she seems a bit young.

Yes. I'm having problems with this as well. My original idea (which doesn't really work either) is that, since this is theoretically pretty far north, she'd be in a bush plane, with only one or two other passengers. Otherwise I can't think how she'd happen to be in the middle of nowhere by herself with broken legs. But, where did the plane go? Suggestions for this would be helpful.

I'm also confused about the end. The last line makes it seem like you're saying something really profound. It makes me feel like I should be having an "ah ha!" moment. But instead I just felt confused. Is there supposed to be some supernatural connection between Clara and Alice? Is the line about the lake shore being empty supposed to mean that there isn't a body, thus signifying that the whole thing is a hoax? I feel like maybe I'm supposed to have picked up on something which I didn't...

Love, love, love the blind idea. (Hey, why don't I enter my own contest?)

We're told that the lake is beautiful, but we aren't shown it. It's hard to tell which character is which and who is doing what. I also didn't get that it was a seeing-eye dog until I saw your note--I assumed it was just a pet. I think this is partially because the first part was so wordy and descriptive. I understand wanting to have there be a change of tone between the first part and the second part, but I still don't like it. >.<

Hmm... ok. Yes, I did add this after I decided to enter the contest. What I'll probably have to do is write it all out the way I want it, and then pare it down again (not fun)

About the lake/stream--I changed it halfway through. I think I like lake better, though...

Yeah, this response has been really rambly too. Oh well, thank you so much again for that review! It was really very helpful.

Oh, one last question: Should Clara act like she knows she's going to die, or like she wants to live but doesn't think she can?

Alright. To continue this rambly tradition...

I just felt sortof inspired after taling to you last night, and... voila!

Yay! I'm proud to have inspired you, Monkeybug. ^.^

Yes. I'm having problems with this as well. My original idea (which doesn't really work either) is that, since this is theoretically pretty far north, she'd be in a bush plane, with only one or two other passengers. Otherwise I can't think how she'd happen to be in the middle of nowhere by herself with broken legs. But, where did the plane go? Suggestions for this would be helpful.

Hm. That's really tough, isn't it? I suppose she could have been camping by herself and fallen down a cliff or something (though that sounds suspiciously like a certain two-person-writing project I know of...). Or I guess she could have been parachuting or hang-gliding or something, and crashed? Then people would probably have looked for her, though... Or maybe you could make her a little older and she could be an airplane/helicopter pilot? Hm... I'll ruminate and get back to you if I come up with anything.

Anyway, do you think it would be better in past tense, or would that ruin the immediacy?

The thing is, I love the parts where Clara is describing how she feels. That stuff is great in present tense, because it's like she's writing down her feelings as a way to vent since she has nobody to talk to. I really like that idea. But the "action" parts don't really work in present, I think. So here's my suggestion: mix it up! This is one of those times that a mix of past and present would work really well, in my opinion. For example, you could have it all like it is now, but for the eating bugs part say something like "earlier today, I saw an and crawling down my arm and something occurred to me: ants are...edible. (etc)" So the letter could sort of be like a journal--a mix of "this is what I'm feeling right now" and "this is what I did today." I think that might work. Also, maybe you could have the letter end in the middle of a word/sentence, with no punctuation? That might be a little confusing but it seems realistic to me.

Love, love, love the blind idea. (Hey, why don't I enter my own contest?)

Firstly, yay! Secondly, I know exactly what you mean. >.< In the first draft of my entry for Skins's contest, I kept having to force myself not to sneak disabilities onto my character...

What I'll probably have to do is write it all out the way I want it, and then pare it down again (not fun)

Yeah, that might be the best idea. Once you write it all out you'll have a better idea of what aspects you wouldn't mind eliminating. It is an unpleasant process, but I think it would be worth it!

Oh, one last question: Should Clara act like she knows she's going to die, or like she wants to live but doesn't think she can?

Interesting question! From what I read, it seemed to me that she knew she was going to die. She didn't seem to have much will to live beyond a sort of animalistic instinct. I had actually liked that about her, because it had made her story more haunting--it was like she was writing because she didn't want to die alone. She wanted someone to be there with her, and in the end they were... only they were several years (I presume) too late. It depends on her personality, of course, but also her situation. If she was flying her plane alone then she probably wouldn't have any hope, because nobody would even know she was there. If, on the other hand, she was parachuting or something, then there would probably be a search team that she could be hoping to find her. But it's really up to you.

Let me know if I haven't answered anything or if you want more opinions. Also let me know when you post an edited version so I can ramble about it for a bit. ^.^

a

Hey Canis! Tiger here to review per request. Comments will be in bold within quotes, longer, more detailed or more important comments will be outside the quotes.

canislupis wrote:My name is Clara Stevenson. I am seventeen years old. In the year 1987, a plane crash landed me here, in these woods.I am alone—the pilot is dead Was it a private plane or something, seeing as there's no mention of any other passengers?. My legs are broken. I do not think I can survive very long here, and so my only option is to tell you, whoever you are, what has happened, so you can remember my name when it has been forgotten... If you are reading this, then I suppose it is already too late.

Today I drank the last of the water, in a puddle by my head.

This part leaves me confused and raised too many questions. Are you saying she spilt the water or something? And then wouldn't it have been absorbed by the ground or something before she could drink it? Or is it rainwater? But then it can't be, because then it wouldn't be the last of the water...Basically, this part adds and does nothing to the sentence other than confuse the reader. Perhaps you should just get rid of it.

There hasn't been food since I left the plane.

The way you've put this sounds a little off. Perhaps: I haven't eaten since I left the plane or I haven't eaten since the plane food ran out. Because currently, it merely sounds like Clara has left the plane despite there being food there, and that she hasn't found any outside it (which might make the reader wonder why she hasn't returned to the plane). If this is the case, then: There's no food in this place or Outside of the plane, there's no food might fit better.

But I can hear the lake, waves lapping on the shore. Water. I would give anything to be there,

Simply writing this, you've now pointed out: 1) That she's in some sort-of forest, which you may want to describe a little. 2) That she is in a particularly barren part of the forest (there's no water, no fruits or anything she could eat, etc.). You should describe where she is somewhat before you mention that there is a lake somewhere nearby. If we understand what her environment is like, we can get a better idea of why she hasn't gone to the lake yet, after all, despite her broken legs she managed to drag herself out of the plane.

to dip my face in it, feel it roll down my throat... When I inch my weight forward crawl forward? my ankle catches on one of the smooth round stones.

1) Are you implying that she is at the lake, what with the smooth round stones? Doesn't that contradict the fact of her not being there? And what does her catching her ankle on a stone have to do with anything? 2) Seeing as this is supposed to be a diary, this isn't really an entry that would be made. Especially when, as I've read below, it caused her to pass into unconsciousness. 3) If her legs were broken, wouldn't that mean she would have to drag herself along with her hands? So even if she caught her ankle on a stone as she was doing this, she wouldn't exactly trip, so how would she pass into unconsciousness?

* * *

I am conscious again now. My ankle had caught on one of the smooth round stones It's a little odd that you wrote this in the paragraph above and then here again. I do not know how long I was out. I cannot go to the water now. Why? Maybe it is better, for this way it will be over soon. But oh, how my throat aches! My tongue has swollen in my mouth, cottony and dry as my lips crack, but do not bleed. My hands are shaking and I cannot hold the pen. I will write no more.

* * *

It has been three days now. I am alive. This morning I dragged myself down to the water on my elbows. And it was good. No, it was the best thing I've ever done. The water was muddy and the leaves on the shore stuck to my face. But it was sweet and my entire body is alive with it.

My legs hurt. It's gotten so that I can barely breathe without a blast of pain spiraling Spiraling doesn't sound quite right here. Shooting maybe? through my whole body. I think it's they're getting worse. I'm drenched in sweat, and hunched uncomfortably on my side by the shore, but I don't dare move off the round lake rocks It's simpler and less confusing to just substitute this for away. Using the underlined part, it makes it sounds as if there is something specifically important about the rocks. I took the paper with me—it isn't much.

I'm guessing this is the paper she is writing on to tell the story? If so, there's not much point mentioning it. It's fairly obvious from the fact that the story is being read that she must have taken paper with her to write.

Won't last me long. I don't dare look at my legs.

Hurt. Pain. I think I will die now.


* * *


It is day now If it was night-time in the previous paragraph, how was she able to write anything in the darkness? —I can hear the birds singing. Hear the bugs buzzing. My neck and face are covered in mosquito bites. I didn't notice them at first, and then they were welcome distractions. But now they are driving me insane, and my skin in blistering.

So she has plane-crashed in a warm climate. So most likely, she's in some sort-of tropical rainforest? But then there would be water, wouldn't there? It would rain often, and she wouldn't have needed to drag herself to the lake, and she could have even stayed in the plane, just collecting water when she needed it.

There are bugs in the soil here. They crawl over my hands, down my back, over my face. I flick them off with my hands, but every time I try to move, to rise, the pain knocks me down again. I watch them, on and off, for hours, moving only to get more water or to add another sentence. The pain is making me dizzy just lying here—I can't make my eyes focus on the dirt inches in front of my face. I need something, anything, to keep my mind away from them... from the pain.... my hands clench into fists, over the tiny coin I found wedged in the bottom of my pocket. The cool metal pushes into my palm, and I take comfort in it, in the familiar shape and reminder of where I came from. Also, I found an empty plastic bag In her pocket? , still reeking of my lunch. I turn the coin over and over in my fingers, watching it glint in the light, and try not to think about the bag. But I do anyway.

I am making a sandwich in the kitchen. Everything is clean, and white, and smells of home. I am excited for the trip that lies ahead, I lay a piece of bologna on the bread, and... Again, is a flashback the sort-of thing that would be mentioned in a diary, especially when the writer is starving, weak and slightly delirious?

And I am hungry. Hungrier than I have ever been in my life. Even if I missed a meal once or twice, felt hungry maybe, had stomach pangs. Didn't eat all day, even. It has never, ever, been like this.

You should combine these into a single sentence. They simply sound strange and incomplete as separate ones.

I watch the ants crawling down my arms and wish I dared move enough to get them off. Their tiny black bodies taunt me, but even the tiny, rhythmic motion of my pen sends spasms of pain down my legs. My stomach growls. Ants are... edible. People in other countries eat them. I don't. But I am so hungry. I grab one without thinking, shoving it in my mouth and swallowing. It tastes sour (half-reviewer, half-reader comment: Ants taste sour? I ate a few when I was little; they didn't taste sour, really. Actual comment: Those ants might have been poisonous) and sticks to my tongue. I want to retch. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. I want to cry. Instead I grab another, and another, and soon I am tearing up the leaf mold with my hands. There are grubs here too. I eat them as well, and still more ants, but it is not enough. I will never, ever be full.


* * *

It gets dark fast up north Does this mean she's somewhere north?. I didn't realize what was happening until the sky was suddenly empty of light. The nights before I was unconscious, or in too much pain to notice the noises of the woods at night. As I lay there, completely helpless, I could only listen to the branches rustling as things moved through the brush. Big things. Sometimes I saw them as well, as indistinct black shapes in the light of the moon reflected off the water. There is nothing to describe the primeval terror of being alone and helpless in the dark, when every shadow could turn out to be something—anything—trying to kill you. But I am alive. And still on the lake shore. Today I will find more food. My legs don't hurt as much. I am sealing the pages I have already written in the empty sandwich bag, thankful for it even if the odor of bologna is making me almost nauseous with hunger.

I made myself look at my legs, today. On the outside, they aren't that bad—dirty converse patched with duck-tape, torn jeans, and muddy thighs. But the angles they're laying at aren't right.

I...
-----------------------

A golden labrador, red harness standing out against the trees, bounded in front as two hikers, in single file, trudged along a narrow path through the trees. A girl, trailing behind the man in front of her, clutched at his hand, eyes closed and feet fumbling over the uneven ground. behind clutched at the hand of the man in front of her, eyes closed. Is this a part you forgot to edit out?

“I thought you said this would be a short hike! I wanna go back to camp.”

“Oh come on, we didn't come this far for nothing! I used to come to this lake as a kid.”

Breaking through the brush with some difficulty, he helped her over a fallen log, and they emerged on a rocky lake shore.

“Isn't it pretty? Gosh, it's exactly how I remember it!” He slapped at a mosquito, taking her arm again to guide her towards the water. “The water is very blue against the trees,” he whispered. She stumbled a bit on the smooth rocks, smiling as she felt the light on her closed eyelids.

“Do you want me to call Sam?” The dog, after slurping noisily at the lake water, shook himself, green harness you said the harness was red earlier a blur as he sprayed the two of them with water.

“Ahh! I thought you said this one was trained already!” she winced, wiping her face.

“He is fully certified,” he answered testily. “I told you he just needs more socialization.”

“He's eating something; I can hear it. Can't we just leave now?”

“Yeah, yeah. Fine. I just wanted to see it.”

“Wait, Dad. What does he have?”

“Nothing. Just some trash. Odd, I thought nobody ever came up here.”

Moving forward, he pulled the plastic bag from under the rocks, dusting the clay off and turning it over.

From where she stood, a few yards behind, she whispered, “Open it.”

He did. “It's a.... letter, or something.” The words at the end had blurred, blue ink spreading in water color patterns over the corner of the papers where years of rain had worked their way inside. But they were still readable, and slowly, he began to read them aloud, as a silence fell on the woods around them, the bird song muted, the insects merely background noise.

“Is that all?” she asked.

“The rest is washed off.” He looked around. “Where did she go?”

“I haven't heard of anyone found here.”

“But this was years ago.... she might have gotten out.”

The girl, silent, stared out over the water. She knew better. But for them, the lake shore was empty.

Well, let me break this down as you've asked.

Clara's Narrative

In some parts it was okay, in others it was strange. For instance, you sometimes wrote as you'd forgotten it was a diary you were depicting, like when you mentioned the flashback. In a diary, as Clara was basically writing, flashbacks would not be written down. You also describe things too much, when they shouldn't be described in so much detail, like when you were writing about Clara eating the ants. No-one would do such a thing and then later describe it in such detail in a diary, almost as if they had watched themselves do it.

The problem is basically that instead of writing as if the MC is writing a diary, you're writing as if they are currently experiencing the event instead. How do I say it more clearly...You write in present perfect and occasionally in continuous, as you should:

I watch the ants crawling down my arms and wish I dared move enough to get them off.

My legs hurt. My stomach hurts.

But sometimes you lapse into past tense:

I didn't realize what was happening until the sky was suddenly empty of light.

I lay there, completely helpless, I could only listen to the branches rustling as things moved through the brush.

It's confusing, and I think that's something that could be fixed.

Realism of the Situation

Hmm. Well, let me point out some things that might not be too realistic:

-It is implied, what with the fact that only she and the pilot were on the plane, that it was a private jet. If so, she must be rather rich. And if someone with a lot of money goes missing, of course people are going to notice. When it was discovered that she didn't reach her destination, there would have been some sort-of search. So even if she wasn't found, she would definitely be noted as missing or something.

-Is there some reason that Clara survived and the pilot did not? A private jet wouldn't be very big, so the impact would have had nearly the same effect on her as it did on him.

-Why did they crash? Was it major winds? Or something wrong with the engines? If so, the crash would probably have caused some sort-of fire. That should have caused a forest fire or something, or at the very least have attracted hunters, hikers, etc. in or near the forest.

-Where did they crash? Clara mentioned something about the north, but then that means cold. This contradicts with you talking about mosquitoes, seeing as they can only exist in warm climates. And throughout the time she was in the forest, no hikers or hunters, or even park rangers or something (who knows? Maybe she crashed in a reserve) found her or the plane? And no animals, like mountain cats or bears, were attracted by the smell of her blood? I'm not saying they have to eat her, but still.

Cutting Down

The best part to cut down would be the last part. By changing it slightly, you could make it a lot shorter, like this for example:

He turned the paper over, but there was no more. He turned around, his daughter still stood there with the dog, eyes closed.

"Dad?" she said. The dog barked, walking over to him. The girl trailed after it slowly, her hand clutching the strap connected to it's harness tight.

"It's nothing he said. Nothing we need to worry about." He looked at the dog. "I need to train you better. Not to bound up to me every time you hear my name. What if you're leading someone who truly is blind through traffic?" He ruffled its hair. "Let's go."

But that's rough. Just work on the last part, give yourself a word limit for it and try to see how your writing can conform to fit it. After all, there's not much to this last part.

All in All

This was okay. There are some questions I have about it, as evidenced in my review and then in the Realism section, but it's okay. Something I feel that's slightly lacking is emotion though. Why should we, the readers, care for Clara? Yes, she is the lone survivor of a plane crash. Yes, she might die. But who is she? What has she done? Where was she going; is there someone who was waiting for her? Someone who she'll never see again, and someone she dreams of or something? I know this needs to be short, but try and add something in that could help us connect with the MC better. So good job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P.S. Hope this helped, and good luck in the contest!

Hi Tiger! Thanks so much. I have edited since then, and am now down to 1992 words. So thanks! That was very helpful.

Just a few things:

Clara's Narrative

In some parts it was okay, in others it was strange. For instance, you sometimes wrote as you'd forgotten it was a diary you were depicting, like when you mentioned the flashback. In a diary, as Clara was basically writing, flashbacks would not be written down. You also describe things too much, when they shouldn't be described in so much detail, like when you were writing about Clara eating the ants. No-one would do such a thing and then later describe it in such detail in a diary, almost as if they had watched themselves do it.

The problem is basically that instead of writing as if the MC is writing a diary, you're writing as if they are currently experiencing the event instead. How do I say it more clearly...You write in present perfect and occasionally in continuous, as you should:

I watch the ants crawling down my arms and wish I dared move enough to get them off.

My legs hurt. My stomach hurts.

But sometimes you lapse into past tense:

I didn't realize what was happening until the sky was suddenly empty of light.

I lay there, completely helpless, I could only listen to the branches rustling as things moved through the brush.

It's confusing, and I think that's something that could be fixed.

Realism of the Situation

Hmm. Well, let me point out some things that might not be too realistic:

-It is implied, what with the fact that only she and the pilot were on the plane, that it was a private jet. If so, she must be rather rich. And if someone with a lot of money goes missing, of course people are going to notice. When it was discovered that she didn't reach her destination, there would have been some sort-of search. So even if she wasn't found, she would definitely be noted as missing or something.

-Is there some reason that Clara survived and the pilot did not? A private jet wouldn't be very big, so the impact would have had nearly the same effect on her as it did on him.

-Why did they crash? Was it major winds? Or something wrong with the engines? If so, the crash would probably have caused some sort-of fire. That should have caused a forest fire or something, or at the very least have attracted hunters, hikers, etc. in or near the forest.

-Where did they crash? Clara mentioned something about the north, but then that means cold. This contradicts with you talking about mosquitoes, seeing as they can only exist in warm climates. And throughout the time she was in the forest, no hikers or hunters, or even park rangers or something (who knows? Maybe she crashed in a reserve) found her or the plane? And no animals, like mountain cats or bears, were attracted by the smell of her blood? I'm not saying they have to eat her, but still.

Just to answer some of these:

Up north, one and two seater bush planes are used quite extensively. (And they go down ALL the time. ) Clara is the pilot. The summers, while short, are very warm, and the bugs are worse here than almost anywhere else on the planet.

She also crashed in the lake. Hopefully all of this will be clear in the edited version.

She's lying on the shore, on the rocks. She has to drag herself to the water to drink (there was a puddle nearby that got her through the first day or so, but maybe I'll take that out). When she catches her ankle on a stone while dragging herself, it knocks her out from the pain.

In the narrative, I had to switch to past and present tense because, obviously, she can't write at night or when she's unconscious. I have cleaned it up a bit in the edits (which I'll post soon) so hopefully it'll be better.

Ok, that's all. Thanks again, and let me know if you ever need a review.

Lupis

My name is Clara Stevenson.

Normally I hate this kind of opening sentence, but I think it works in this context.

I lost consciousness pulling myself to the lake, only feet from the water. It might as well be miles. I tell myself it is better this way.

I was really confused by this. Why would it be better that way? :S

I am still alive.

When I read this part I kind of went "no, really?" Obviously she's alive if she's writing it. In my opinion, you should either get rid of this or change it a bit: "I am still alive, but I feel dead" or "I'm still alive, but barely" or something similar.

This morning I dragged myself, through the pain, to water.

It may just be me, but the last part feels kind of awkward. :/ I can't put a finger on it, there's just something ... I feel like it would sound better as "this morning I dragged myself, through the pain, to the water's edge".

Tiny movements send excruciating bolts of pain spiraling through my body.

Again, this is probably just me, but I don't think 'spiraling' works here. I've always imagined 'bolt' to be a word to describe pain that is blunt and direct; it makes me think of straight lines, and then thinking of spirals messes it up.

First I ignored them. Then they were welcome distractions. Now they are driving me insane.

I love this bit. Just saying.

Just lying here makes me dizzy; My eyes won't focus on the dirt inches in front of my face.

Two things - one, shouldn't the M in 'my' be lower case? And two, I feel like 'before my face' would sound better than 'in front of', but it's just a suggestion.

All day ants crawled down my arms and I wished I dared move enough to get them off.

Shouldn't it be 'crawl'?

Before I didn't want to die. Now, I just don't want to die alone.

I love this part - so powerful.

A golden lab bounded in front as two hikers trudged through the brush.

I think it would sound better as: A golden lab bounded in front of the two hikers as they trudged through the brush.

Breaking through the brush, he helped her over a fallen log into the open.

I think it should be "he helped her over a fallen log and out into the open", but if you're short on words it probably isn't worth changing it.

“The water is blue against the trees.”

I was a little confused by this. Is the girl blind? If he was making an observation, I feel like he should say "The water is so blue against the trees", but it's up to you.

“It's a.... letter, or something.”

This is super nit-picky, in fact it's ridiculously nit-picky, but aren't there only supposed to be three periods when using ellipses?

“But she isn't alone. Because of us.”[/i]

Just an error with the italics.

---------

Wow! I really, really liked this. The descriptions were wonderful and like someone said, I almost felt the ants crawling on my skin. Clara's narrative, in my opinion, was really well done. I was just confused by one thing - if I were in her position, I think I would entertain the possibility of rescue at least once. I would hope for it, think about it. I think you could make it a bit more realistic by adding a bit where, for example, Clara thinks about rescue and realizes that the chances are slim to none, comes to terms with the fact that she most likely won't be rescued, etc.

The part at the end was quite well-done, too. I was a little surprised that the girl's dad didn't seem sort of sad after reading it, since I know I was, but that could just be me.

Overall, this is really good. Definitely deserving of a 'like' (where did that come from? I thought it was gold stars!) and good luck in the contest!

- Wolf

PS.

canislupus wrote:I'm still not sure whether to give up on this or not.

No no no no no!

Hullo again!

I'm not going to do the line-by line stuff right now because 1) Wolf and Tiger have covered most of them. 2) you're not really done messing with the plot yet, so I don't think you need to worry about awkward sentences and typos and such quite yet. 3) becuase I just got through nit-picking Skins's new chapter and, frankly, the nit-pick part of my brain is the consistency of day-old pudding right now (you know, soft and oozy but also unpleasantly lumpy). >.< Anyway...

Wow! This version is much different! For a moment, when I was reading it, I was like "where did it all go?!" but my shock aside, I think I like this version better. It's more to-the-point, and the part with the seeing-eye dog is much more clear. That said, there are still issues.

--Clara's bit--
This section was, obviously, the most changed by your attempts to improve the word count. But it's definitely better this way, methinks, because cutting out words forced you to make her voice more choppy, more pithy. As lovely as the writing was in the original version, it did feel slightly purple and wordy for someone in her situation. So this way is much improved on that front. However, I still think it can get better. It feels a bit too spaced out, I think. There are seven sections, and four of them are very, very short. And there's a lot of space between them. Quite frankly, it feels like there's a lot of scrolling for not much real reading. I know that sounds like a stupidly minor issue, but I think it is a real concern. The layout of something can (for me, anyway) have a huge impact on my impression of the writing. On the one hand, I prefer the longer sections because they're more involved. On the other hand, the short ones are probably more realistic. It's up to you whether you want to combine two or more of the short sections into one bigger one, but I suggest you consider it. If you don't want to do that, you could even try playing with the formatting a little bit, so the sections are a little closer to each other. I'm showing one possible "solution" in the spoiler. Another issue I have with the layout is: why isn't there one of those lines of dashes between Clara's bit and the seeing-eye dog bit?
Or you could take out a section (painful thought, I know--but it would help you cut down on word-count so you could elaborate more on other bits.

My other issue with Clara's bit is the ending. I feel bad, because you've already changed it to something that I suggested in the first place but... it still doesn't make sense to me. If it cut off mid-sentence, that implies she died/passed out while writing. But then she wouldn't have had time to seal the bag, would she? Maybe you could end with something to the effect of, "I'm sealing these papers inside the empty lunch bag, because I doubt I will live long enough to write any more."

I also agree with Tiger in that we need to know Clara (couldn't you have given her another name?! I've just gotten over my Nutcracker nightmares! ) a little better. I think her whole situation would be a little more heart-wrenching if you told us a bit about her past... maybe had her remember (a) loved one(s) or recollect something of her old life--other than making a bologna sandwich, that is. ^.~ You may have to remove a section for word-cound purposes, but I think it would be worth it.

--Seeing-eye bit--
This also feels a little sparse right now, which is natural of course. I think the problem is that you've put the priority on keeping the dialogue the same while reducing the total word count. It ends up sort of like a script. I'd rather have less conversation and more description. More emotion. Especially after the heart-wrenching-ness of Clara's bit, it feels a little numb. Also, I don't feel like you're really using the blindness to your advantage. It still feels like you wrote the story, then decided to add in a seeing-eye dog trainer afterwards--which, of course, you did. ^.^ This might sound painful, but I think the best thing for you to do at this point would be delete that whole part and rewrite it. Not that it's unbearably terrible or anything, I just think it's one of those things that if you work with it more you'll get sentimental and want to keep certain sections and it will end up getting overworked and awkward. So rather than trying to make the version that you had at first fit with your new characters, just rewrite it all. It may sound like some elaborate form of torture, but I just like to watch you suffer honestly think it would help. ^.~

--Overall--
All in all, I like the new version, but it feels spare. It feels like a skeleton. My advise would be this: rather than try to say the same thing with fewer words, I think you should modify what you're saying. Maybe cut out a section (by which I mean one "journal entry") from Clara's bit, and get rid of some dialogue in the seeing-eye bit, then focus on fleshing out what's left over--that is, the important parts.

Another thing I'd like to bring up is that right now, I'm confused about which part is more important. Before, it was really about Clara, and then the last bit felt like a little conclusion. But in order to explain the seeing-eye dog, you have to make the second part longer, which means that you had to make Clara's bit shorter--in effect making the two more equal in length. So it's unclear to me where the emphasis is in the story. Is the main focus supposed to be Clara's suffering and her eagerness to be remembered after death, or the eerie discovery made by a blind girl and her father? When you're writing something so short, you have to prioritize (that'y my opinion, anyway) so I suggest you make that a little clearer.

Ooh! I just had an idea that might fix a few things I've talked about! I'm really really sorry to be taking over your story, and you don't need to listen to me at all, (plus it might end up not making any sense at all) but please allow me to tell you because I just got really excited. ^.^ Okay, so here it goes: What if Clara used to live with/be in love with/be friends with/know/etc. a seeing-eye dog trainer? She can be remembering this person as she is dieing and be thinking that they are the person she wished she was with when she was dieing. Then, a blind girl will be walking alone in the woods with her seeing-eye dog (which the reader can wonder if/assume was trained by Clara's friend) and she will hear her dog chewing on something. She will bend down, feel that the dog was chewing on a plastic bag with a piece of paper in it, and then... well, what she does could be one of a few different things. She could hold onto the bag tightly, feeling some sort of sentimental connection to it. Or she could toss it into the lake, not wanting it to harm her dog, or she could take it back so that one of her sighted friends could read it to her... I don't know. Maybe that's an awful idea--just something I thought of as I was writing the paragraph before it. ^.^

Anyway, I hope this helps somewhat! I'll come back and give you more opinions when/if you edit more. I'm determined for you to win this contest, no matter how much you want to give up on this story. ^.^

xoxo
a

Hi Azila!

Thank you so much--now you've given me three reviews. >.< I feel bad now. Anyway, again, I agree--and I did try to keep everything the same while cutting individual words, which might not have been a good idea.

My other issue with Clara's bit is the ending. I feel bad, because you've already changed it to something that I suggested in the first place but... it still doesn't make sense to me. If it cut off mid-sentence, that implies she died/passed out while writing. But then she wouldn't have had time to seal the bag, would she? Maybe you could end with something to the effect of, "I'm sealing these papers inside the empty lunch bag, because I doubt I will live long enough to write any more."

Actually I was thinking that the rest would be blurred/illegible, but I can see the logic issue. I guess I'll have to change it.

The flashback also doesn't really work, but I can't think how to make it differently since the action needs to be performed in the story.

Also, I really, really like the idea of her knowing a trainer and having the girl discover it. But. Since the girl is blind, I find it very unrealistic that she's alone in the middle of the woods. Then there's the fact that she has to be able to read. Normally I would let all this stew for a day or two, but the deadline is today. (Ahhh! Panic face)!!!! So I think what I'm going to do is add a bit about Clara's past/have her think about rescue, and rewrite the ending if I have time. Which is unlikely, as this is our last day in Florence and we have a ton of things to tie up. Ah well. Happy New Years, and thanks for the review.

Maybe the girl won't be blind at all... that would make more sense. But how to make the trainer part clearer.....hmmmm. Akk, but I can't think about it or I'll start coming up with more ideas.

Lupis